Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I am a 29 year old virgin. LOL. Well okay, not a virgin in the traditional sense, especially since I have 2 kids. But in my mind I am a virgin again. As of December 28, 2010, I officially have not had sex in 1 year. Willingly not had sex in 1 year. Yes, I made a vow to myself not to have sex anymore until I was married. That vow was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.

Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.

So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.

A Date With My Father

So I needed to keep a record of what happened last night that I just think was really cool. I spent the evening allowing God to just speak to me though Youtube. Crazy huh?!

Well, Aiden went to spend the weekend with his grandmother so I figured I would find something to do with my semi child free evening. I had actually made plans to go see Takers with Diana, Clarissa and Snono but God kinda changed all that. I was actually down to my last $15 and knew I would be getting paid today, but still decided to do the right thing and not spend my last on a movie.

So I was sitting on the couch watching TV and decided to check out some Youtube videos from the P4CM channel. I listened to the poetry and heard the testimonies of teens who turned away from secular music, turned away from sinful lives. I was so moved from the poetry testimony of an ex-stud that I was near tears. God is so power and amazing and can literally do ANYTHING. The ex stud, Jackie, kept saying that she "chose to choose" that lifestyle. She wasn't born gay but had always been attracted to girls and chose to give into those desires instead of presenting her sin to God. POWERFUL stuff.

People don't ever admit that they are simply giving into their own carnal desires. God didn't die on the cross to free us from those sins for us to choose to live those very sins out daily. The two teens that denounced secular music explained how they both realized that they were accepting sins that God hates by listening to music like Jay-Z and Kanye. Beyonce isn't edifying or glorifying God in any of her songs, but she dresses provocatively and does talk about pre-marital sex and greed, all sins that Christ died for. Why make His Crucifixion in vain when we decide to continue on with this Jezebel spirit of living. No amount of justification can make it right. Just like in 2 Kings, Jezebel made herself pretty before she was thrown out of the window. I, too, have given into sin thinking it wasn't really hurting anyone or anything. But it was. Every time I had sex outside of marriage,it hurt Jesus. Every time I watched sex on TV or listened to sexual lyrics, I hurt Jesus. Every time I am more focused on money that on serving the Kingdom of Heaven, I am hurting Jesus. Every lie I told, thing I stole, prideful act I committed, it hurt Jesus. Every time I justify sin or become accepting of sin in my life or others, I am hurting Jesus.

The body of Christ is full of lukewarm Christians. Plenty of people pray and attend church, serve, do outreaches, etc but still are accepting of the sinful nature. They still watch sex on TV and in movies. They still listen to music by artist that denounce Christ and promote the sinful lifestyle. They still hit the club every Saturday and make it to church on Sunday. They still drink past moderation and shout His praises when in need. That is not pleasing to God! Matthew 6:24 says “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other." Can't say you are devoted to Christ and still have one foot in the world. God is a jealous God, an all or nothing God. Real talk.

Last night was a night that was meant to play out like it did. I was supposed to be smart and save my last few dollars and let God pour into my heart and renew my waning spirit. I literally sat up until 3 AM listening to Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baraka and watching the P4CM poetry. I was loving it and the messages pierced my heart. Even today, I felt different. I spent the day watching Sister, Sister and the 3 Left Behind movies. Didn't want to pollute my mind and eyes with filth and foolishness. A shift is happening in me. My spirit is being renewed and my sinful desires cast down. I know I have to continually be cautious of my surroundings but I am so thankful my awakening last night. One of the best dates I've had in years!