A question has been in the back of my mind for days now. A question that is making me take a hard look at my life as well as my spiritual life. "How many people am I sending to Hell because I didn't share my faith with them?" How many? If I think about all the people I encounter in a day, seven days a week, it adds up to be a lot. People that I pass in the street, at work, at my kid's school, in the grocery store, at the bank, in a restaurant, everywhere. Opportunities to share the Gospel that I pass up on a daily basis. Yeah, I know people have to atone for their own sin but if I am not sharing with them the power of forgiveness, grace, and redemption that Jesus provides, I might as well be pushing them into the Lake of Fire myself.
I am realizing I am not that good of a disciple as I thought I was.
I have found myself stuck in a rut of lukewarmness and complacency. Sure, I talk about Jesus and all the amazing things happening in my life but I tell those things to my circle of friends. I put it on Facebook for the random masses to see, but I don't share it with people that I KNOW are far from Christ. I know most days I am not always diligently seeking Him, yet the moment I am in need, I call on Him. I have developed a rather unfair relationship with my Savior. He is always there, unchanging, just waiting anxiously to pour out His blessings over me, but I treat Him like an after thought, a get out of jail free card. I have become comfortable in my regular ways that don't always glorify God or bring people to the Kingdom of Heaven.
But why? How did I get to this place?
Just like the breakdown of any relationship, it isn't one event that happened that put me in the place I am in. It's a series of events or incidents that got me here. Unfortunately, since God never changes His ways, the blame is on me. I stopped making Him my first thoughts. I stopped being diligent and intentional about seeking Him. I slacked up in my prayer time. I stopped expecting Him to do amazing things in my life because I began to get consumed with trivial things around me. I started to let my faith wane because I began to focus more on my own wants and desires than God's will for me. I stopped having that crazy hunger for His presence and His living word. I became regular, average, lukewarm, conformed.
God's timing in perfect...like for real. I have been aware of my present state of mind for a while now, but never really knew what to do about it. But God decided to show me what to do. Fusion kicked back off last week with a new series called unNormal. Basically stepping out of our comfort zone and being radical for Christ. This past Sunday Pastor D talked about making our desire to share our faith with others an urgent matter. This past Wednesday at our monthly leadership meeting after Fusion, Pastor Johnson gave all of us leaders a book to read to help strengthen us. The is called Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From The American Dream by David Platt. I haven't even opened the book yet, but I know it going to challenge my thinking and push me out of my comfort zone.
I need that. For real. I want to be radical. I want to be unNormal.
"How many people am I sending to Hell because I didn't share my faith with them?" Think about it.
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Blog Snob
I have become quite the lover of blogs. Not just my own blog but searching the net for other blogs. I am quite picky of the ones I decide to follow. Yes, I am a blog snob. I prefer to steer clear of the typical gossip and fashion blogs. I prefer blogs that are simple musings of some one's everyday life. Nothing fancy or riddled with ads. Just the day in the life of...
I have found a couple of relationship blogs, single mom blogs, local Atlantans blogs, a blog on budgeting, and a couple blogs from guys. Everyone has a different angle, a different vision for their blog, everyone giving a glimpse into their life according to, well them. The one thing I don't see much of are blogs from Christians. Sure there are plenty that proclaim to be God loving Christians but after reading a few posts...I am starting to wonder what God they serve.
I hate to say this but sometimes, being a Christian in every sense of the word, makes you a bit judgmental. Yes, Christians are judgmental despite the Bible being rather clear on not judging people. But we do. I have a problem with people that profess to be Christians, praising God when the situation deem fit, yet living their life by their own rules. Not saying I am a saint, very much far from it, but I have lived my life by my own rules for the majority of my life. I've known of Christ but it has only been in the past couple of years where I have really had a relationship with Him. It's this new found love and appreciation for the mere fact that Christ died so that I can have a life filled with blessings and joy that makes me turn away from living by my own rules. Yet, there are so many people that have an audience, claim to love God, yet still indulge in the very things that Christ died for and condemns to this day. No conviction, lukewarm "christians" seriously bother me. I am reading blogs by people that shout how much they love God, yet have a porn pick of the week and give instructions on how to give oral sex properly. One blog praises teeny bopper rapper Teyanna Taylor's purity ring, yet doesn't discourage pre-martial sex with couples.
I have a problem with people that can call themselves Christians, yet don't even live their lives as such. These are the very people that make many fall away from the church. I was having a joking conversation with a friend about going to church and she was quite honest about the fact that she doesn't attend because of the hypocrites that flock to church every Sunday. She is well aware that your own personal relationship with Christ is important but she doesn't realize that God wants us to worship together corporately with other believers who encompass the church. I have heard that very same reason from many people and unfortunately, there is not much you can do about the hypocrites that live behind the name of Christ. They will have their day of judgement and unfortunately many will hear "I never knew you."
Matthew 7:21-23 says “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" I wish everyone that professes to follow Christ would take heed to what that means and act accordingly. Life is so short and truth be told, there are many people that are close to me that would not go to Heaven. No one wants to give up what feels good and all that comes with that in order to truly follow Christ. Few wants to stop having sex before marriage, feed the homeless, love others more than yourself, preach the gospel to those that probably wont listen, serve others, be apart of the church, or turn away from a host of other sins. The fun that people have now could quite possibly send them straight to Hell. Real talk.
I have found a couple of relationship blogs, single mom blogs, local Atlantans blogs, a blog on budgeting, and a couple blogs from guys. Everyone has a different angle, a different vision for their blog, everyone giving a glimpse into their life according to, well them. The one thing I don't see much of are blogs from Christians. Sure there are plenty that proclaim to be God loving Christians but after reading a few posts...I am starting to wonder what God they serve.
I hate to say this but sometimes, being a Christian in every sense of the word, makes you a bit judgmental. Yes, Christians are judgmental despite the Bible being rather clear on not judging people. But we do. I have a problem with people that profess to be Christians, praising God when the situation deem fit, yet living their life by their own rules. Not saying I am a saint, very much far from it, but I have lived my life by my own rules for the majority of my life. I've known of Christ but it has only been in the past couple of years where I have really had a relationship with Him. It's this new found love and appreciation for the mere fact that Christ died so that I can have a life filled with blessings and joy that makes me turn away from living by my own rules. Yet, there are so many people that have an audience, claim to love God, yet still indulge in the very things that Christ died for and condemns to this day. No conviction, lukewarm "christians" seriously bother me. I am reading blogs by people that shout how much they love God, yet have a porn pick of the week and give instructions on how to give oral sex properly. One blog praises teeny bopper rapper Teyanna Taylor's purity ring, yet doesn't discourage pre-martial sex with couples.
I have a problem with people that can call themselves Christians, yet don't even live their lives as such. These are the very people that make many fall away from the church. I was having a joking conversation with a friend about going to church and she was quite honest about the fact that she doesn't attend because of the hypocrites that flock to church every Sunday. She is well aware that your own personal relationship with Christ is important but she doesn't realize that God wants us to worship together corporately with other believers who encompass the church. I have heard that very same reason from many people and unfortunately, there is not much you can do about the hypocrites that live behind the name of Christ. They will have their day of judgement and unfortunately many will hear "I never knew you."
Matthew 7:21-23 says “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" I wish everyone that professes to follow Christ would take heed to what that means and act accordingly. Life is so short and truth be told, there are many people that are close to me that would not go to Heaven. No one wants to give up what feels good and all that comes with that in order to truly follow Christ. Few wants to stop having sex before marriage, feed the homeless, love others more than yourself, preach the gospel to those that probably wont listen, serve others, be apart of the church, or turn away from a host of other sins. The fun that people have now could quite possibly send them straight to Hell. Real talk.
Get It Together
Christina and I made and failed at our cleverly devised plan to try to make it to work this morning. Unfortunately Gwinnett County Police decided to block my street and part of her street so there was no way she could reach me or even make it to the interstate herself. Tried but failed.
So here I am. Day 3 of Snow Storm 2011. Day 5 of the fast. I do admit in a fit of rebellion, I made pancakes and eggs and had coffee with milk. Totally broke my fast and felt like crap afterwards. I am usually good about keeping to my fasts. I stuck with it last year for the 21 days and when I fasted for 3 days with Veronica. I usually try to be obedient and diligent when making commitments to God but this time, I totally flaked. I wanted to rebel because I kept telling myself my heart wasn't in it. I am not sure if that was totally true but part of me wanted to give in. Not sure why but even in my rebellion, God still saw fit to reveal the hurt behind my rebellion.
I am so far from having it all together, it's almost laughable. Most days I am good. Honestly. But behind it all, I know I am falling short of where I want to be and where God is calling me to be. I am my own worst enemy and I stand in my own way more than anyone or anything else. I have learned to conquer things with mind over matter, faith and prayer, but just like any other living, breathing, and honest Christian, there are times when we don't completely trust God and allow Him to really be my everything. Sounds good when we say it, but we really are fooling ourselves.
I know my words sound a bit taboo for someone who professes to be a follower of Christ but I have learned that people prefer honesty over sugar coated lies. So me saying I am a rebellious kid who hasn't prayed, hasn't cracked open the Bible, or hasn't heard a worship song in 3 days may come as a shock. I am going through one of my impatient, I can't see the bigger picture, temper tantrums right now. And you know what? It's okay. Seriously, it's okay because My Father gets me. If I could see Him in His earthly form, He would be standing in the corner of my room, tapping His foot saying "Seriously, get it together. I'm right here, not going anywhere, waiting on you to let go and come to me." He and I are in a tug of war match and I am rather stubborn, not ready to let go of the rope and fall flat on my face. I'm not ready. But I know I need to hit the ground. And that's okay too.
I asked Him to peel back the layers and expose any areas of my heart that needs mending. I asked for that and now I am a little afraid of what I might find. So I am grinding my feet in sand and closing my eyes, but my resolve is starting to weaken. My convictions for breaking my fast were evident, my emotional state yesterday got the best of me and I know there is more to come. I can only hold on for so long before My Father, in His ever loving way, forces me to get it together and stop being a whiny brat. He knows me so well, flaws and all, yet He loves and delights in me anyway.
"He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." Yeah, He does....
So here I am. Day 3 of Snow Storm 2011. Day 5 of the fast. I do admit in a fit of rebellion, I made pancakes and eggs and had coffee with milk. Totally broke my fast and felt like crap afterwards. I am usually good about keeping to my fasts. I stuck with it last year for the 21 days and when I fasted for 3 days with Veronica. I usually try to be obedient and diligent when making commitments to God but this time, I totally flaked. I wanted to rebel because I kept telling myself my heart wasn't in it. I am not sure if that was totally true but part of me wanted to give in. Not sure why but even in my rebellion, God still saw fit to reveal the hurt behind my rebellion.
I am so far from having it all together, it's almost laughable. Most days I am good. Honestly. But behind it all, I know I am falling short of where I want to be and where God is calling me to be. I am my own worst enemy and I stand in my own way more than anyone or anything else. I have learned to conquer things with mind over matter, faith and prayer, but just like any other living, breathing, and honest Christian, there are times when we don't completely trust God and allow Him to really be my everything. Sounds good when we say it, but we really are fooling ourselves.
I know my words sound a bit taboo for someone who professes to be a follower of Christ but I have learned that people prefer honesty over sugar coated lies. So me saying I am a rebellious kid who hasn't prayed, hasn't cracked open the Bible, or hasn't heard a worship song in 3 days may come as a shock. I am going through one of my impatient, I can't see the bigger picture, temper tantrums right now. And you know what? It's okay. Seriously, it's okay because My Father gets me. If I could see Him in His earthly form, He would be standing in the corner of my room, tapping His foot saying "Seriously, get it together. I'm right here, not going anywhere, waiting on you to let go and come to me." He and I are in a tug of war match and I am rather stubborn, not ready to let go of the rope and fall flat on my face. I'm not ready. But I know I need to hit the ground. And that's okay too.
I asked Him to peel back the layers and expose any areas of my heart that needs mending. I asked for that and now I am a little afraid of what I might find. So I am grinding my feet in sand and closing my eyes, but my resolve is starting to weaken. My convictions for breaking my fast were evident, my emotional state yesterday got the best of me and I know there is more to come. I can only hold on for so long before My Father, in His ever loving way, forces me to get it together and stop being a whiny brat. He knows me so well, flaws and all, yet He loves and delights in me anyway.
"He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." Yeah, He does....
Friday, December 31, 2010
Danny and Annie- A Love Story
Tonight, I had one of my regular conversations with my friend Kisha. She updated me on the marital problems of her god-sister and I was hoping for good news. Her god-sister and husband had been having some difficulties this year and my heart always aches for Christian couples that are struggling to find their way back to the happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, this latest update included an unexpected baby due to the husband's infidelity. Though they were working on getting past the affair, neither knew that the birth of a baby would be added into the mix. I have never met this woman but I sincerely admire her. She is a Christian wife and she takes her vows seriously. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. Through sickness and in health. This couple, married 11 years, have been through all of the above.
I kept asking myself, "What would I do if I were this wife?" Being a single person, it's hard to think about having to deal with something like that in a marriage that hasn't even happened. But, it makes me wonder if that's something that should be looming in the back of my mind. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity happens everyday. For this couple, infidelity has been a spirit that they carried around for years, lying dormant, and it has found a season to rear its deceitful head.
Stories like this and many others that I have heard or seen first hand from friends is enough to make me completely jaded and fearful of marriage. Infidelity is real. Even Christian couples are not immune to devastation like this. But at the end of the day, both the husband and wife have a choice. They have a choice to honor their vows and commitment to each other and God. They have a choice to deal with problems head on and not let them grow out of control. They have a choice to respect each other and their marriage. They have a choice to flee from temptation. They have a choice to be diligent and intentional about keeping God and His word in the center of their marriage. They have a choice to cherish the good times and fight through the rough patches. They have a choice.
I hate when issues like this cause me to feel weary of this amazing thing called marriage but I am human. Thankfully, God gave me a little heads up in the form of a YouTube clip to remind me that true love and devotion does still exist. It's funny that during my conversation with Kisha, I was trying to watch this clip but held off until I could give it my undivided attention. I was so distracted that I was certain I was gonna forget about the clip and probably never see it. Glad I did because it was just the spark of hope that I needed to be reminded that there are still magical love stories that God Himself pens. This is the story of Danny and Annie from Brooklyn, NY. This is by far the most inspiration and touching story of everlasting love that I have ever seen.
Enjoy
I kept asking myself, "What would I do if I were this wife?" Being a single person, it's hard to think about having to deal with something like that in a marriage that hasn't even happened. But, it makes me wonder if that's something that should be looming in the back of my mind. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity happens everyday. For this couple, infidelity has been a spirit that they carried around for years, lying dormant, and it has found a season to rear its deceitful head.
Stories like this and many others that I have heard or seen first hand from friends is enough to make me completely jaded and fearful of marriage. Infidelity is real. Even Christian couples are not immune to devastation like this. But at the end of the day, both the husband and wife have a choice. They have a choice to honor their vows and commitment to each other and God. They have a choice to deal with problems head on and not let them grow out of control. They have a choice to respect each other and their marriage. They have a choice to flee from temptation. They have a choice to be diligent and intentional about keeping God and His word in the center of their marriage. They have a choice to cherish the good times and fight through the rough patches. They have a choice.
I hate when issues like this cause me to feel weary of this amazing thing called marriage but I am human. Thankfully, God gave me a little heads up in the form of a YouTube clip to remind me that true love and devotion does still exist. It's funny that during my conversation with Kisha, I was trying to watch this clip but held off until I could give it my undivided attention. I was so distracted that I was certain I was gonna forget about the clip and probably never see it. Glad I did because it was just the spark of hope that I needed to be reminded that there are still magical love stories that God Himself pens. This is the story of Danny and Annie from Brooklyn, NY. This is by far the most inspiration and touching story of everlasting love that I have ever seen.
Enjoy
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hardest Thing I've Ever Done
I am a 29 year old virgin. LOL. Well okay, not a virgin in the traditional sense, especially since I have 2 kids. But in my mind I am a virgin again. As of December 28, 2010, I officially have not had sex in 1 year. Willingly not had sex in 1 year. Yes, I made a vow to myself not to have sex anymore until I was married. That vow was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.
I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.
Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.
So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.
I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.
Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.
So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Celebrate Jesus
It has been quite a crazy couple of weeks since I last posted because I have been crazy busy. I decided to take on a donation drive for Wellspring Living, a local non profit that helps former sex trafficking victims get the help they need. I thought of this earlier in the year but never did anything with it. After seeing The Candy Shop documentary, I was compelled to do something, anything.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Helpless...
Some days I have to remind myself that I don't have a huge S on my chest, nor do I don a cape when I leave the house. I do not possess super human strength or can leap tall building in a single bound. I cannot solve every crisis in 22 minutes on a TV show and there are not always happy endings. I'm just one person, standing with my faith in My Father and the promise that He makes all things work together for our good.
I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.
You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.
1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.
I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.
I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.
You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.
1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.
I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.
Desires of My Heart
I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thank You
It's the day after Thanksgiving and I am sitting in bed nursing a cold and about to prepare to head out for the day. I decided to take a moment and reflect on this incredible year and all the things that I am grateful for. Yeah, its cliche' but that's what happens around the holidays. My life has gone from one extreme to the next over the past year and there is so much to truly be thankful for because of God's amazing grace and mercy on my life.
1. I am thankful for the amazing gift of salvation. Above all else, just knowing that my personal commitment to follow Jesus has saved me from a life of condemnation has changed my life completely. I was absolutely consumed my sin, guilt and shame until coming back to Christ and now I can't imagine my life without His presence.
2. I am thankful for my boys. I have been a mom for so long, I really don't know what life is like to be kid free but I don't think I would change a thing. Gavin is growing up to be such an amazing kid and warrior for God that it blows my mind. We've had our run ins due to growing pains and both of us trying to figure out this thing called life, but I believe calmer days are ahead. He is finding his way in life, making mistakes in the process, but is growing and flourishing with the guidance of the Spirit and I couldn't be more proud. Aiden is my fearless side-kick. He is a child with his own mind and own way of doing things. He can be stubborn like his mom but at the end of the day, he requires extra attention and affirmation just like his dad. He reminds me that even in the hustle and bustle of the day, that coming home and watching Transformers with him for the millionth time is better than any night out. These kids have saved my life in more ways than I could ever express.
3. I am thankful for my family. I come from a rather dysfunctional family full of emotional scars, mistakes, regrets, and a host of other things. But they are my family and I love them dearly. I hold nothing but crazy good time memories of growing up in a house that seemed to be on the go 24/7. From setting picnic tables on fires, countless ER visits, jalapeno pepper pies, to us all gathering to bury my great grandmother Elizabeth, they are my family. My brothers are my protectors and my sister is the little rebel that truly wants to be free to do life her way.
4. I am thankful for Victory World Church, Fusion and my community. I often blog about how much I love my community so of course they would make the countdown. Coming to Victory LITERALLY saved my life. I think if I had continued down the path that I was on, I would be lost forever. Finding myself in that hotel room in Kansas City, MO was the turning point that I needed to make a change but I needed some major support to keep me off the path of destruction. It took a minute to work the kinks out and my final encounter with Maurice the married man sealed the deal. It was on that day that I knew I needed to be serious about turning my life around and thank goodness for free will. God allowed me to hit rock bottom so that I could truly come to Him humble and broken.
5. I am thankful for my mistakes. I have made more mistakes than anyone in life should. Stupid mistakes that have lead to pregnancies outside of wedlock, a couple of abortions, sexual assault at the hands of someone I thought could trust, broke hearts, debt, damaged friendships, suicidal thoughts, depression and near catastrophic meltdowns. I look back at all that and laugh because my past is dead. I have been made new because He calls me His beloved. I am a TOTALLY different person than I was a year and a half ago and I mean the transformation has been miraculous. I am a reformed sex addict, porn addict, liar, broken hearted, emotional basket case who has found her worth and value. I am no longer bound by sexual sin, a spirit that ruled my life since childhood. I no longer seek the approval of men to determine my value. I laugh with no restraint, I dream beyond the natural, and my potential is endless all because I let Christ mend my broken pieces. I am free.
I could go on and on about all that I am thankful for but I think you get the point. I am loving the place of freedom that I am in and wouldn't change a thing. I am learning how to do life the right way. I have learned to guard my heart and value my relationship with my creator. I have learned to embrace people, all people, broken and whole, and love them all the same. I have learned to share my story with others to show of God's amazing redeeming power. I have learned to love those who curse me and watch God totally change their hearts. I have learned the value of community and accountability, the value of true friendships, and the value of being patient when it comes to desires of the heart. He knows me, flaws and all, and yet He still sees fit to create a new day just for me to enjoy. Life is good.
1. I am thankful for the amazing gift of salvation. Above all else, just knowing that my personal commitment to follow Jesus has saved me from a life of condemnation has changed my life completely. I was absolutely consumed my sin, guilt and shame until coming back to Christ and now I can't imagine my life without His presence.
2. I am thankful for my boys. I have been a mom for so long, I really don't know what life is like to be kid free but I don't think I would change a thing. Gavin is growing up to be such an amazing kid and warrior for God that it blows my mind. We've had our run ins due to growing pains and both of us trying to figure out this thing called life, but I believe calmer days are ahead. He is finding his way in life, making mistakes in the process, but is growing and flourishing with the guidance of the Spirit and I couldn't be more proud. Aiden is my fearless side-kick. He is a child with his own mind and own way of doing things. He can be stubborn like his mom but at the end of the day, he requires extra attention and affirmation just like his dad. He reminds me that even in the hustle and bustle of the day, that coming home and watching Transformers with him for the millionth time is better than any night out. These kids have saved my life in more ways than I could ever express.
3. I am thankful for my family. I come from a rather dysfunctional family full of emotional scars, mistakes, regrets, and a host of other things. But they are my family and I love them dearly. I hold nothing but crazy good time memories of growing up in a house that seemed to be on the go 24/7. From setting picnic tables on fires, countless ER visits, jalapeno pepper pies, to us all gathering to bury my great grandmother Elizabeth, they are my family. My brothers are my protectors and my sister is the little rebel that truly wants to be free to do life her way.
4. I am thankful for Victory World Church, Fusion and my community. I often blog about how much I love my community so of course they would make the countdown. Coming to Victory LITERALLY saved my life. I think if I had continued down the path that I was on, I would be lost forever. Finding myself in that hotel room in Kansas City, MO was the turning point that I needed to make a change but I needed some major support to keep me off the path of destruction. It took a minute to work the kinks out and my final encounter with Maurice the married man sealed the deal. It was on that day that I knew I needed to be serious about turning my life around and thank goodness for free will. God allowed me to hit rock bottom so that I could truly come to Him humble and broken.
5. I am thankful for my mistakes. I have made more mistakes than anyone in life should. Stupid mistakes that have lead to pregnancies outside of wedlock, a couple of abortions, sexual assault at the hands of someone I thought could trust, broke hearts, debt, damaged friendships, suicidal thoughts, depression and near catastrophic meltdowns. I look back at all that and laugh because my past is dead. I have been made new because He calls me His beloved. I am a TOTALLY different person than I was a year and a half ago and I mean the transformation has been miraculous. I am a reformed sex addict, porn addict, liar, broken hearted, emotional basket case who has found her worth and value. I am no longer bound by sexual sin, a spirit that ruled my life since childhood. I no longer seek the approval of men to determine my value. I laugh with no restraint, I dream beyond the natural, and my potential is endless all because I let Christ mend my broken pieces. I am free.
I could go on and on about all that I am thankful for but I think you get the point. I am loving the place of freedom that I am in and wouldn't change a thing. I am learning how to do life the right way. I have learned to guard my heart and value my relationship with my creator. I have learned to embrace people, all people, broken and whole, and love them all the same. I have learned to share my story with others to show of God's amazing redeeming power. I have learned to love those who curse me and watch God totally change their hearts. I have learned the value of community and accountability, the value of true friendships, and the value of being patient when it comes to desires of the heart. He knows me, flaws and all, and yet He still sees fit to create a new day just for me to enjoy. Life is good.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Seasons Change
It's been over a week since I have posted and this past week has been non stop crazy. Been mapping out some ideas and suggestions for Fusion service teams as I transition from service teams to small group apprentice next year. That was totally God ordained and timely because the desire had been there and I was surprised that Avery, Taina, and Liz McVicker were all in agreement that it is time for me to step into that new role. I've also decided to step out on faith and take on this project of collecting donations for the women at Wellsprings Living. God put the idea on my heart earlier this year and it wasn't until seeing the Candy Shop documentary at the Fox that I decided to act on it. So far so good and luckily I am friends with enough small group leaders to help spread the word. Planning and organizing has been time consuming but so worth it if my vision comes to past. Thank you for community.
I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.
There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.
So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.
He is good.
I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.
There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.
So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.
He is good.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Accountability
Accountability equals life saver. Seriously. Since being back into the folds of Christianity after straying for YEARS, the concept of accountability has been discussed about a million times. "Get an accountability partner!" Hmm, that was always a head scratcher in the beginning because I had never heard of accountability before. Now, I don't know what I would do without it.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
So In Love...
I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.
Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.
He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.
I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.
Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.
He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.
I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A Date With My Father
So I needed to keep a record of what happened last night that I just think was really cool. I spent the evening allowing God to just speak to me though Youtube. Crazy huh?!
Well, Aiden went to spend the weekend with his grandmother so I figured I would find something to do with my semi child free evening. I had actually made plans to go see Takers with Diana, Clarissa and Snono but God kinda changed all that. I was actually down to my last $15 and knew I would be getting paid today, but still decided to do the right thing and not spend my last on a movie.
So I was sitting on the couch watching TV and decided to check out some Youtube videos from the P4CM channel. I listened to the poetry and heard the testimonies of teens who turned away from secular music, turned away from sinful lives. I was so moved from the poetry testimony of an ex-stud that I was near tears. God is so power and amazing and can literally do ANYTHING. The ex stud, Jackie, kept saying that she "chose to choose" that lifestyle. She wasn't born gay but had always been attracted to girls and chose to give into those desires instead of presenting her sin to God. POWERFUL stuff.
People don't ever admit that they are simply giving into their own carnal desires. God didn't die on the cross to free us from those sins for us to choose to live those very sins out daily. The two teens that denounced secular music explained how they both realized that they were accepting sins that God hates by listening to music like Jay-Z and Kanye. Beyonce isn't edifying or glorifying God in any of her songs, but she dresses provocatively and does talk about pre-marital sex and greed, all sins that Christ died for. Why make His Crucifixion in vain when we decide to continue on with this Jezebel spirit of living. No amount of justification can make it right. Just like in 2 Kings, Jezebel made herself pretty before she was thrown out of the window. I, too, have given into sin thinking it wasn't really hurting anyone or anything. But it was. Every time I had sex outside of marriage,it hurt Jesus. Every time I watched sex on TV or listened to sexual lyrics, I hurt Jesus. Every time I am more focused on money that on serving the Kingdom of Heaven, I am hurting Jesus. Every lie I told, thing I stole, prideful act I committed, it hurt Jesus. Every time I justify sin or become accepting of sin in my life or others, I am hurting Jesus.
The body of Christ is full of lukewarm Christians. Plenty of people pray and attend church, serve, do outreaches, etc but still are accepting of the sinful nature. They still watch sex on TV and in movies. They still listen to music by artist that denounce Christ and promote the sinful lifestyle. They still hit the club every Saturday and make it to church on Sunday. They still drink past moderation and shout His praises when in need. That is not pleasing to God! Matthew 6:24 says “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other." Can't say you are devoted to Christ and still have one foot in the world. God is a jealous God, an all or nothing God. Real talk.
Last night was a night that was meant to play out like it did. I was supposed to be smart and save my last few dollars and let God pour into my heart and renew my waning spirit. I literally sat up until 3 AM listening to Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baraka and watching the P4CM poetry. I was loving it and the messages pierced my heart. Even today, I felt different. I spent the day watching Sister, Sister and the 3 Left Behind movies. Didn't want to pollute my mind and eyes with filth and foolishness. A shift is happening in me. My spirit is being renewed and my sinful desires cast down. I know I have to continually be cautious of my surroundings but I am so thankful my awakening last night. One of the best dates I've had in years!
Well, Aiden went to spend the weekend with his grandmother so I figured I would find something to do with my semi child free evening. I had actually made plans to go see Takers with Diana, Clarissa and Snono but God kinda changed all that. I was actually down to my last $15 and knew I would be getting paid today, but still decided to do the right thing and not spend my last on a movie.
So I was sitting on the couch watching TV and decided to check out some Youtube videos from the P4CM channel. I listened to the poetry and heard the testimonies of teens who turned away from secular music, turned away from sinful lives. I was so moved from the poetry testimony of an ex-stud that I was near tears. God is so power and amazing and can literally do ANYTHING. The ex stud, Jackie, kept saying that she "chose to choose" that lifestyle. She wasn't born gay but had always been attracted to girls and chose to give into those desires instead of presenting her sin to God. POWERFUL stuff.
People don't ever admit that they are simply giving into their own carnal desires. God didn't die on the cross to free us from those sins for us to choose to live those very sins out daily. The two teens that denounced secular music explained how they both realized that they were accepting sins that God hates by listening to music like Jay-Z and Kanye. Beyonce isn't edifying or glorifying God in any of her songs, but she dresses provocatively and does talk about pre-marital sex and greed, all sins that Christ died for. Why make His Crucifixion in vain when we decide to continue on with this Jezebel spirit of living. No amount of justification can make it right. Just like in 2 Kings, Jezebel made herself pretty before she was thrown out of the window. I, too, have given into sin thinking it wasn't really hurting anyone or anything. But it was. Every time I had sex outside of marriage,it hurt Jesus. Every time I watched sex on TV or listened to sexual lyrics, I hurt Jesus. Every time I am more focused on money that on serving the Kingdom of Heaven, I am hurting Jesus. Every lie I told, thing I stole, prideful act I committed, it hurt Jesus. Every time I justify sin or become accepting of sin in my life or others, I am hurting Jesus.
The body of Christ is full of lukewarm Christians. Plenty of people pray and attend church, serve, do outreaches, etc but still are accepting of the sinful nature. They still watch sex on TV and in movies. They still listen to music by artist that denounce Christ and promote the sinful lifestyle. They still hit the club every Saturday and make it to church on Sunday. They still drink past moderation and shout His praises when in need. That is not pleasing to God! Matthew 6:24 says “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other." Can't say you are devoted to Christ and still have one foot in the world. God is a jealous God, an all or nothing God. Real talk.
Last night was a night that was meant to play out like it did. I was supposed to be smart and save my last few dollars and let God pour into my heart and renew my waning spirit. I literally sat up until 3 AM listening to Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baraka and watching the P4CM poetry. I was loving it and the messages pierced my heart. Even today, I felt different. I spent the day watching Sister, Sister and the 3 Left Behind movies. Didn't want to pollute my mind and eyes with filth and foolishness. A shift is happening in me. My spirit is being renewed and my sinful desires cast down. I know I have to continually be cautious of my surroundings but I am so thankful my awakening last night. One of the best dates I've had in years!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Distractions
It's a hard reality when it hits you that you really can't save the world. For many people, saving the world isn't even on their radar. Most people are living for themselves and their own happiness. But for me, being a Christian who wants to be a doer of the Word and not just a hearer, wanting to save the world is usually at the forefront of my mind. Maybe not saving the world as a whole, but bringing change to the people around me. Yet, over the past couple of weeks, I've found it hard to "be Jesus" when my faith isn't as strong as it should be. Yes, even Christians struggle with faith and all that comes with it.
I have been plagued with one distraction after another lately. Usually it has someone thing to do with money lately, or the lack there of. I've noticed that the more I serve and try to live out God's will for me, something throws me off balance financially and my focus shifts. As a single mom, making sure we stay above water is a constant thought in the back of my mind. God has ALWAYS been a provider so we have never gone without. He has proven to me time and time again that as long as I have faith in Him, He's got the rest. But it's the distraction that gets the best of me. I've been giving so many opportunities to do God's will in different areas but the distractions of life shift my focus, gets me off my purpose driven path. If I am worrying about paying bills or dealing with a sick kid, it's hard to come up with an s2s blog or even a personal blog. It's hard to counsel friends when I have my own stuff going on. I start to feel like the older son in the prodigal son story. I want someone to notice me and my dealings with life. Selfish of me, I know, but it happens.
But that's the enemy's plan. Spiritual attacks. John 10:10 says the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He attacks us in our area of weakness to keep us from God's purpose for us. Any little distraction from God is all he wants and needs to shake our faith. His distractions makes us wonder if we are even equipped to handle this life, this calling to follow God. It makes us wonder if we are equip to be that light of Jesus that hurting people need, even when we are hurting.
Right now, I have sickness, death, depressions, financial trouble, broken families and relationships all around me and everyone needs faith that things will get better. I visited a 10 week old baby in the ICU on Saturday who is dying. I met his 16 year old mother at the s2s block party at the Covenant House in June. He was brought to the hospital on Monday and by Tuesday, the circulation in his legs had stopped and his feet and legs started dying. He has blood clots in his brain as well as brain damage. I prayed for his healing because I know God can do anything, but I left feeling a little helpless. Will God really heal him or is it His will from this baby to die? Will the marriages of my friends be healed and restored because I pray for them? Will any of my prayers make a difference? Will people really be touched by the words that I say or write? While I am praying for a revival in this city, in this country, in marriages and families, in my church, who prays for me?
Jesus never promised that we would be without troubles in life. Anyone that follows Him are surely going to endure trials and tribulations all in the name of Christ. But it's our faith that sustains us. It our ability to recognize the tricks of the enemy and tackle him head on. It's the Word of God that gives us direction and wisdom on how to deal with life when troubles come. It's the Holy Spirit that gives us peace in the midst of the story that carries us through. Even when I start doubting my ability to help and God's ability to just be miraculous, I have to stop and discern my state of mind. If I am not focused on God and spending time with Him in prayer, I come out of alignment with Him, leaving the door open to the enemy's deception and distractions. The re-bound back into alignment isn't always instant but just knowing that He is my focus is enough to strengthen my resolve. He has already given me the power to heal the sick and to speak life over people. Sometimes I just have to be reminded of the gifts and power He has entrusted me with. When the distractions finally fall by the way side, I'm able to get a clearer vision of God's intent for me. I'm able to be that shining light for others in the midst of their darkness.
I have been plagued with one distraction after another lately. Usually it has someone thing to do with money lately, or the lack there of. I've noticed that the more I serve and try to live out God's will for me, something throws me off balance financially and my focus shifts. As a single mom, making sure we stay above water is a constant thought in the back of my mind. God has ALWAYS been a provider so we have never gone without. He has proven to me time and time again that as long as I have faith in Him, He's got the rest. But it's the distraction that gets the best of me. I've been giving so many opportunities to do God's will in different areas but the distractions of life shift my focus, gets me off my purpose driven path. If I am worrying about paying bills or dealing with a sick kid, it's hard to come up with an s2s blog or even a personal blog. It's hard to counsel friends when I have my own stuff going on. I start to feel like the older son in the prodigal son story. I want someone to notice me and my dealings with life. Selfish of me, I know, but it happens.
But that's the enemy's plan. Spiritual attacks. John 10:10 says the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He attacks us in our area of weakness to keep us from God's purpose for us. Any little distraction from God is all he wants and needs to shake our faith. His distractions makes us wonder if we are even equipped to handle this life, this calling to follow God. It makes us wonder if we are equip to be that light of Jesus that hurting people need, even when we are hurting.
Right now, I have sickness, death, depressions, financial trouble, broken families and relationships all around me and everyone needs faith that things will get better. I visited a 10 week old baby in the ICU on Saturday who is dying. I met his 16 year old mother at the s2s block party at the Covenant House in June. He was brought to the hospital on Monday and by Tuesday, the circulation in his legs had stopped and his feet and legs started dying. He has blood clots in his brain as well as brain damage. I prayed for his healing because I know God can do anything, but I left feeling a little helpless. Will God really heal him or is it His will from this baby to die? Will the marriages of my friends be healed and restored because I pray for them? Will any of my prayers make a difference? Will people really be touched by the words that I say or write? While I am praying for a revival in this city, in this country, in marriages and families, in my church, who prays for me?
Jesus never promised that we would be without troubles in life. Anyone that follows Him are surely going to endure trials and tribulations all in the name of Christ. But it's our faith that sustains us. It our ability to recognize the tricks of the enemy and tackle him head on. It's the Word of God that gives us direction and wisdom on how to deal with life when troubles come. It's the Holy Spirit that gives us peace in the midst of the story that carries us through. Even when I start doubting my ability to help and God's ability to just be miraculous, I have to stop and discern my state of mind. If I am not focused on God and spending time with Him in prayer, I come out of alignment with Him, leaving the door open to the enemy's deception and distractions. The re-bound back into alignment isn't always instant but just knowing that He is my focus is enough to strengthen my resolve. He has already given me the power to heal the sick and to speak life over people. Sometimes I just have to be reminded of the gifts and power He has entrusted me with. When the distractions finally fall by the way side, I'm able to get a clearer vision of God's intent for me. I'm able to be that shining light for others in the midst of their darkness.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
He Wants It All
As I am traveling to work after dropping off the baby or on my way home from work, I like to ride in silence. This has been the norm for a few weeks. Before, I would be blasting praise and worship music, giving my Father a little glory. I don't know where the riding in silence came from but I do it more and more often. I think I do it to have a little quiet time to spend pouring my heart out to God, hoping that He is listening.
This morning was no different...well maybe. I had just dropped Aiden off and was sitting at the light when I turned off the radio to start up my morning conversation. For some reason, I didn't know what to say. I had had a pretty crappy day yesterday and wanted to have a half-way decent one today, hence the need to talk to God. But the words wouldn't come, the thought were jumbled. I was a mess. I gave up and turned the radio back on.
I flipped from one station to the next and found nothing suitable. Didn't want to pull out a CD either. I was getting kinda frazzled. In a last ditch effort, I flipped the station one more time and there it was. The song that ignited my heart and lifted my spirits. He Wants It All by forever Jones. I got goose bumps the moment I heard the words and immediately began singing my praises.
There's a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with your life now
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it all
There's a God that walks over the earth,
he's searching for heart that is desperate,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
God was speaking to me this morning in the midst of my confusion and frustration about not knowing what to say to Him. He wants it all today. He wants all of my crazy thoughts, my tears, my heart, my devotion, my love. He just wants to spend time with me today and wants me to desire to spend time with Him. He doesn't want me wasting time bound to idols when He should be the only person getting my attention and admiration. He just wants all of me. All of me.
God is working on me still. He is working on me to help get me to the point where He has all of me. I am almost there. Kinda. Still a work in progress. Still working on falling on my face completely naked and unashamed before Him. But He is patient and still reminds me that He just wants to be my everything. How sweet is that? My Father, the romantic.
He wants it all. He wants me to serve Him with my life. He wants me to be a child that will give Him my all. It's funny how hard it is to let go of everything and let God have it. My impatience tends to keep me wanting to have my hand in what goes on around me. He just wants it all. Let Him have my troubles and allow him to ease my heart and mind.
He wants it all. You win, Father.
This morning was no different...well maybe. I had just dropped Aiden off and was sitting at the light when I turned off the radio to start up my morning conversation. For some reason, I didn't know what to say. I had had a pretty crappy day yesterday and wanted to have a half-way decent one today, hence the need to talk to God. But the words wouldn't come, the thought were jumbled. I was a mess. I gave up and turned the radio back on.
I flipped from one station to the next and found nothing suitable. Didn't want to pull out a CD either. I was getting kinda frazzled. In a last ditch effort, I flipped the station one more time and there it was. The song that ignited my heart and lifted my spirits. He Wants It All by forever Jones. I got goose bumps the moment I heard the words and immediately began singing my praises.
There's a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with your life now
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it all
There's a God that walks over the earth,
he's searching for heart that is desperate,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
God was speaking to me this morning in the midst of my confusion and frustration about not knowing what to say to Him. He wants it all today. He wants all of my crazy thoughts, my tears, my heart, my devotion, my love. He just wants to spend time with me today and wants me to desire to spend time with Him. He doesn't want me wasting time bound to idols when He should be the only person getting my attention and admiration. He just wants all of me. All of me.
God is working on me still. He is working on me to help get me to the point where He has all of me. I am almost there. Kinda. Still a work in progress. Still working on falling on my face completely naked and unashamed before Him. But He is patient and still reminds me that He just wants to be my everything. How sweet is that? My Father, the romantic.
He wants it all. He wants me to serve Him with my life. He wants me to be a child that will give Him my all. It's funny how hard it is to let go of everything and let God have it. My impatience tends to keep me wanting to have my hand in what goes on around me. He just wants it all. Let Him have my troubles and allow him to ease my heart and mind.
He wants it all. You win, Father.
Friday, July 23, 2010
God on Mute
Pete Greig wrote a book title "God on Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Prayers." I haven't read it yet, but I have heard the term God on mute used many times before. Essentially, its when you pray to God for something and you get silence. No signs and wonder, no confirmation, nothing. Why does that happen? Why does God seem to get distant when we need him the most?
God does get silent. Alot. But God is also constantly moving. Sometimes the very things we ask for in prayer are not things or situations God wants for us. Hence the silence. Sometimes that silence is God's way of saying "no" or my favorite "just wait." Sometimes that unanswered prayer is God wanting to see if you really trust in Him enough to hold on until the last possible minute before He gives you what you need.
Sometimes the silence can be frustrating. Like in my case. Right now, I seriously feel like I am at a cross roads with a certain situation, to the point where it's almost stressing me out to think about. I am waiting on God to give me a sign, a thumbs up, a prophetic word, a dream, an embrace, some comfort, some clarity. At this point, I just want Him to shout His directions from the mountain top instead of leaving me to sift through the cryptic clues. I don't want to take matters into my own hands, but I seriously have no clue with which way to turn.
Despite His silence, I know He is still moving. I know He is working in my favor to restore what has been broken. Maybe it's my impatience that's getting the best of me. He is still moving, but maybe not fast enough for me. I'm still leaving it all in His hands, not allowing any distractions during this crazy time, keeping my eyes on Him and the Kingdom. He is still moving and I am still trusting.
God does get silent. Alot. But God is also constantly moving. Sometimes the very things we ask for in prayer are not things or situations God wants for us. Hence the silence. Sometimes that silence is God's way of saying "no" or my favorite "just wait." Sometimes that unanswered prayer is God wanting to see if you really trust in Him enough to hold on until the last possible minute before He gives you what you need.
Sometimes the silence can be frustrating. Like in my case. Right now, I seriously feel like I am at a cross roads with a certain situation, to the point where it's almost stressing me out to think about. I am waiting on God to give me a sign, a thumbs up, a prophetic word, a dream, an embrace, some comfort, some clarity. At this point, I just want Him to shout His directions from the mountain top instead of leaving me to sift through the cryptic clues. I don't want to take matters into my own hands, but I seriously have no clue with which way to turn.
Despite His silence, I know He is still moving. I know He is working in my favor to restore what has been broken. Maybe it's my impatience that's getting the best of me. He is still moving, but maybe not fast enough for me. I'm still leaving it all in His hands, not allowing any distractions during this crazy time, keeping my eyes on Him and the Kingdom. He is still moving and I am still trusting.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My Father, the Dreamcatcher
Last night, I had a dream about you. In my dream, you came back to me after realizing that this is where you heart lay. You even gave me a ring. But that ring was used, second hand, dull, not sincere. And through out that whole dream, all I could think about were reasons why God didn't allow this union to happen in the first place. I actually felt doubt, uncertainty, unrest in my heart about you in that dream. Have never felt emotions in my dream, literally felt them like I was truly living these moments out in real life. God still speaks and moves, even in my dreams.
He is good...all the time.
I am a signs and wonders type of Christian. I believe in God, I know He is all powerful, still performing miracles and healing everyday. But sometimes God has to give me some confirmation before I recognize it is Him at work. I know most days, God is standing in Heaven, tapping His foot like "Really... you still need more proof that I am who I say I am? Get it together." But thankfully, God is patient and merciful and doesn't mind showing me for the millionth time that He's got me. Thanks Father...seriously.
I had been praying for God to reveal things to me in my dreams and as I go about my day. And of course, God being God, He obliges me. He gives me opportunities to witness to people, He gives me those "a ha" revelations at the strangest times, and He speaks in my dreams.
I have a tendency to wonder "what if" a lot and even worse, I "romanticize the past" as the charming Beth Moore calls it. I wonder "what if I handle this situation this way, even though I know its against your will for me?" Or "what if I seek out and pursue this guy I like, even though you've told me to wait?" Or I start to ponder the enemy's enchanting whispers that holding out for hope on someone God has saved me from, might make them come back.
Thankfully, my Father still has bigger plans for me and would rather keep tapping His foot in Heaven, than allow me to travel down the wrong path. It hit me on the drive home from hanging out with friends that God spoke comfort and peace into my heart in that dream. He understands I still struggle from time to time with really rationalizing the fact that I have let go and moved on, so He reminds me of the reasons why He spared me from making such a tragic mistake with that relationship. Being able to actually feel those feelings of doubt and unrest while dreaming was just a reminder of how I feel when I am awake and examine that relationship. Whenever I start down that "what if" path, God quickly reveals to me that He spared me from a relationship that was destined to be stressful, unhappy, complacent, and unfulfilled and totally unaligned with His idea of how a relationship and marriage is supposed to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my daydreaming is the cause of so many rocky relationships too. Well sort of. When my mind wanders about my current single status and the ever present desire to court and get married, God usually sends a broken relationship my way to examine. He reminds me with constant examples of what happens when people go outside His plan and do things their own way. It is revealed to me the consequences of couples that don't guard their hearts and adhere to sexual purity and allow sin to be center of their relationships, not Him. I am faced with adultery, broken trust, divorce, heartbreak, wasted year and unsatisfactory lives.
But my Father adores me. He thinks enough of me to spare me from that. He desires for me to be filled with blessings and happiness that He doesn't mind showing me the reality of what happens when I am impatient and decide to take matters into my own hands. Only a loving protecting father would go to such lengths to ensure that I inherit all the riches due to His beloved daughter. Doesn't get any better than that.
He is good...all the time.
I am a signs and wonders type of Christian. I believe in God, I know He is all powerful, still performing miracles and healing everyday. But sometimes God has to give me some confirmation before I recognize it is Him at work. I know most days, God is standing in Heaven, tapping His foot like "Really... you still need more proof that I am who I say I am? Get it together." But thankfully, God is patient and merciful and doesn't mind showing me for the millionth time that He's got me. Thanks Father...seriously.
I had been praying for God to reveal things to me in my dreams and as I go about my day. And of course, God being God, He obliges me. He gives me opportunities to witness to people, He gives me those "a ha" revelations at the strangest times, and He speaks in my dreams.
I have a tendency to wonder "what if" a lot and even worse, I "romanticize the past" as the charming Beth Moore calls it. I wonder "what if I handle this situation this way, even though I know its against your will for me?" Or "what if I seek out and pursue this guy I like, even though you've told me to wait?" Or I start to ponder the enemy's enchanting whispers that holding out for hope on someone God has saved me from, might make them come back.
Thankfully, my Father still has bigger plans for me and would rather keep tapping His foot in Heaven, than allow me to travel down the wrong path. It hit me on the drive home from hanging out with friends that God spoke comfort and peace into my heart in that dream. He understands I still struggle from time to time with really rationalizing the fact that I have let go and moved on, so He reminds me of the reasons why He spared me from making such a tragic mistake with that relationship. Being able to actually feel those feelings of doubt and unrest while dreaming was just a reminder of how I feel when I am awake and examine that relationship. Whenever I start down that "what if" path, God quickly reveals to me that He spared me from a relationship that was destined to be stressful, unhappy, complacent, and unfulfilled and totally unaligned with His idea of how a relationship and marriage is supposed to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my daydreaming is the cause of so many rocky relationships too. Well sort of. When my mind wanders about my current single status and the ever present desire to court and get married, God usually sends a broken relationship my way to examine. He reminds me with constant examples of what happens when people go outside His plan and do things their own way. It is revealed to me the consequences of couples that don't guard their hearts and adhere to sexual purity and allow sin to be center of their relationships, not Him. I am faced with adultery, broken trust, divorce, heartbreak, wasted year and unsatisfactory lives.
But my Father adores me. He thinks enough of me to spare me from that. He desires for me to be filled with blessings and happiness that He doesn't mind showing me the reality of what happens when I am impatient and decide to take matters into my own hands. Only a loving protecting father would go to such lengths to ensure that I inherit all the riches due to His beloved daughter. Doesn't get any better than that.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Jesus Talk
I have a confession...I am a Facebook junkie. Seriously. It's to the point where I check Facebook when I get up in the morning, before I go to bed and I check it maybe a 100 times during the day. Facebook is up on the next tab while I type this.
I am just like the other 40 gazillion people that update their statuses every hour and post a 1000 pictures a day. But, I think I'm slightly different than the rest of the Facebook community. I try to spread the love of God as much as I can to the 500+ friends I have. Yeah that's a lot of time to do some Jesus talk (thanks Aaron for coining that phrase this morning).
I never really thought the scriptures or Christian song lyrics I put registered with anyone outside my church friends. Didn't know my random praises to God for moving in my life pierced the heart of some of my friends living outside the faith. But it does. They've told me. Score one for the Kingdom.
I have a friend who I have known since middle school. We both had similar families and grew up in the church like every other kid in Columbus, MS. She moved to Georgia a few years ago and we keep in contact from time to time. We hang with different crowds and our lives are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. She likes to party, I live to hang with my small group friends and do outreaches. She likes flashy cars and clothes, I get excited about spring dresses at Wal-Mart. But Facebook is our common ground.
My church's youth ministry, 212, had their annual spring break trip to the GA mountains called Ignite. I had never been but heard amazing testimonies and of course my middle schooler was going. So some friends and I headed up to Jasper, GA for a night I will never forget. This was the night I was baptized in the Holy Spirit for the very first time. Completely jacked up with a gym full of young Jesus freaks. When I finally stopped shaking and laughing in the streets, I updated my Facebook status to give God His glory.
Then it happened. I got an email from my party friend. She had been checking out my saved and sanctified status updates and this one just spoke to her. She wanted to know what church I attended where the kids were that on fire for God. I told her about Victory, Fusion and 212. She agreed to come to Fusion the following Wednesday. Score two for the Kingdom.
My friend enjoyed the service, the awesome Fusion band and the fact that 300+ people that were our age were jumping, singing, and dancing praises to God. She had never seen that before. She only came to that one service and hasn't asked about coming again, but she did admit that she felt like God was calling her back to Him. She took that leap of faith to come and visit a church, thanks to a Facebook status.
A co-worker of mine stopped me in the mail room and told me that she enjoys reading my inspirational messages on Facebook. It makes her want to get her relationship right with God. During my s2s trip, a old high school classmate sent me a private message on Facebook asking if I could pray for her to get out of controlling relationship. Another co-worker likes to read about the ministry work I do, like rescuing Princess from sex slavery. Another co-worker asked me to pray for her. My co-worker Aaron tagged me in a post just this morning thanking me for my Jesus talk. Score 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 for the Kingdom.
Paul said in Corinthians that we are all living letters. My Fusion Pastor Johnson Bowie, reminds us that our lives should be a reflection of Jesus Christ because sometimes we are the only bit of Jesus some people get. I strive to always "be Jesus" cause I never know who is watching. Never know who needs that bit of inspiration, that jolt of faith. Never know what seeds we plant with just a Facebook status update.
Back to Facebook for some more Jesus talk.
I am just like the other 40 gazillion people that update their statuses every hour and post a 1000 pictures a day. But, I think I'm slightly different than the rest of the Facebook community. I try to spread the love of God as much as I can to the 500+ friends I have. Yeah that's a lot of time to do some Jesus talk (thanks Aaron for coining that phrase this morning).
I never really thought the scriptures or Christian song lyrics I put registered with anyone outside my church friends. Didn't know my random praises to God for moving in my life pierced the heart of some of my friends living outside the faith. But it does. They've told me. Score one for the Kingdom.
I have a friend who I have known since middle school. We both had similar families and grew up in the church like every other kid in Columbus, MS. She moved to Georgia a few years ago and we keep in contact from time to time. We hang with different crowds and our lives are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. She likes to party, I live to hang with my small group friends and do outreaches. She likes flashy cars and clothes, I get excited about spring dresses at Wal-Mart. But Facebook is our common ground.
My church's youth ministry, 212, had their annual spring break trip to the GA mountains called Ignite. I had never been but heard amazing testimonies and of course my middle schooler was going. So some friends and I headed up to Jasper, GA for a night I will never forget. This was the night I was baptized in the Holy Spirit for the very first time. Completely jacked up with a gym full of young Jesus freaks. When I finally stopped shaking and laughing in the streets, I updated my Facebook status to give God His glory.
Then it happened. I got an email from my party friend. She had been checking out my saved and sanctified status updates and this one just spoke to her. She wanted to know what church I attended where the kids were that on fire for God. I told her about Victory, Fusion and 212. She agreed to come to Fusion the following Wednesday. Score two for the Kingdom.
My friend enjoyed the service, the awesome Fusion band and the fact that 300+ people that were our age were jumping, singing, and dancing praises to God. She had never seen that before. She only came to that one service and hasn't asked about coming again, but she did admit that she felt like God was calling her back to Him. She took that leap of faith to come and visit a church, thanks to a Facebook status.
A co-worker of mine stopped me in the mail room and told me that she enjoys reading my inspirational messages on Facebook. It makes her want to get her relationship right with God. During my s2s trip, a old high school classmate sent me a private message on Facebook asking if I could pray for her to get out of controlling relationship. Another co-worker likes to read about the ministry work I do, like rescuing Princess from sex slavery. Another co-worker asked me to pray for her. My co-worker Aaron tagged me in a post just this morning thanking me for my Jesus talk. Score 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 for the Kingdom.
Paul said in Corinthians that we are all living letters. My Fusion Pastor Johnson Bowie, reminds us that our lives should be a reflection of Jesus Christ because sometimes we are the only bit of Jesus some people get. I strive to always "be Jesus" cause I never know who is watching. Never know who needs that bit of inspiration, that jolt of faith. Never know what seeds we plant with just a Facebook status update.
Back to Facebook for some more Jesus talk.
Juice Boxes and Sex Education
For the past couple of days, I have been monitoring reports about the Helena, Montana public school district's proposed health curriculum that will introduce sex education to kindergartners. Right between a juice box break and recess will be talks about penises and vaginas.
What has our world come to?
I am relieved that parents have turned out in droves to protest this absurd idea of teaching sex to kids that can barely comprehend the concept of walking in a single filed line down the hall way. But, it saddens me that ABC News has reported that President Obama supports this idea. I tend to want to give Obama the benefit of the doubt on most political decisions, but this just will not fly. Where have our moral standards gone? Has this country turned so far away from God's standards to plant the seeds of sexual immorality into the children?
We live in a hyper sexualized world. Sex is everywhere you turn. Movies, TV, music, books, advertisement, everywhere. Kids are like walking sponges, taking in everything that parents don't filter. When the Internet and television replace family teachings on morals and values, it's no wonder that middle schoolers are frequently engaging in sexual activity. I've had countless talks with my middle schooler's teachers about how sex has taken over the schools because of the media, pop culture and lack of parental supervision. Why has it come to this? Why has the country become so accepting of practices that go against God's will?
The proposed curriculum will introduce appropriate names of body parts in kindergarten and the concept that it's alright to have same sex attraction in first grade. Fifth graders will discuss homosexual relationships and sexual intercourse, "which includes but not limited to vaginal, oral or anal penetration." People that support this proposal believe that children should not be shelter from what is in the world. What about teaching them to follow Romans 12:2 and not conform to the world?
Believers in Christ have been made to be set apart from the world and issues like this should cause a stirring in your heart. This is what breaks the heart of God. We have been giving the authority of the Father and the boldness of the Holy Spirit to speak against the sinful nature of the world and to speak God's truth. This world is slowly falling down around us and we must take a stand and reclaim God's Kingdom on Earth.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (MSG) states "The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity."
It's time to pray for a revival in this nation. A revival of righteousness and truth. A revival of family values and honoring God's truth. A revival to raise mighty champions who turn against the sins of the world, who remain pure in the bodies and mind, who honor the Father by honoring His Word.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/07/15/montana.sex.education/
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2007/07/sex-ed-for-kind.html
What has our world come to?
I am relieved that parents have turned out in droves to protest this absurd idea of teaching sex to kids that can barely comprehend the concept of walking in a single filed line down the hall way. But, it saddens me that ABC News has reported that President Obama supports this idea. I tend to want to give Obama the benefit of the doubt on most political decisions, but this just will not fly. Where have our moral standards gone? Has this country turned so far away from God's standards to plant the seeds of sexual immorality into the children?
We live in a hyper sexualized world. Sex is everywhere you turn. Movies, TV, music, books, advertisement, everywhere. Kids are like walking sponges, taking in everything that parents don't filter. When the Internet and television replace family teachings on morals and values, it's no wonder that middle schoolers are frequently engaging in sexual activity. I've had countless talks with my middle schooler's teachers about how sex has taken over the schools because of the media, pop culture and lack of parental supervision. Why has it come to this? Why has the country become so accepting of practices that go against God's will?
The proposed curriculum will introduce appropriate names of body parts in kindergarten and the concept that it's alright to have same sex attraction in first grade. Fifth graders will discuss homosexual relationships and sexual intercourse, "which includes but not limited to vaginal, oral or anal penetration." People that support this proposal believe that children should not be shelter from what is in the world. What about teaching them to follow Romans 12:2 and not conform to the world?
Believers in Christ have been made to be set apart from the world and issues like this should cause a stirring in your heart. This is what breaks the heart of God. We have been giving the authority of the Father and the boldness of the Holy Spirit to speak against the sinful nature of the world and to speak God's truth. This world is slowly falling down around us and we must take a stand and reclaim God's Kingdom on Earth.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (MSG) states "The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity."
It's time to pray for a revival in this nation. A revival of righteousness and truth. A revival of family values and honoring God's truth. A revival to raise mighty champions who turn against the sins of the world, who remain pure in the bodies and mind, who honor the Father by honoring His Word.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/07/15/montana.sex.education/
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2007/07/sex-ed-for-kind.html
You Make Everything Glorious
I took the title of this post from a David Crowder Band song I heard on the way home. I am sure I have heard it a few times but today it just seemed to speak right to me. The words were a bit more clear as if I was meant to hear them. God is funny like that sometimes. I don't think I was in a state where I needed that bit of reassurance. Or maybe I was now that I think about it. I have been thinking of somethings lately. Ok, God, you win. Thanks for the unexpected bit of comfort. You rock.
The lyrics stood out more than everything.
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am yours
What does that make me?
God makes everything glorious...even us. We are made in His image so if He is already glorious, we get His glory and righteousness by default. We belong to the living Savior and it is by His grace that we have been saved and made whole again. He loves us, He delights in us, He wants to shower us with the one true and perfect love.
So why doesn't everyone get this? Why don't we all let God's love dwell in our hearts and minds and not be consumed by the desires of the flesh? Why don't we simply accept His free, no strings attached love instead of giving away every bit of ourselves to carnal desires, only to be left broken. Why don't we all know that we are already glorious?
The world shows us that we must seek love and acceptance. We must date around, have sex, run a muck and live life to the fullest to find true happiness. We must lose ourselves in relationships, submit to the desires of our heart in order to feel love. We have to have someone complete us. Women have to flirt and dress sexy to get the attention of men. Men have to treat women like objects instead of precious rubies. We have to put on our best face and sometimes ignore obvious red flags for the sake of having someone in our lives. We have to give into our own desires or the desires of others in order to prove our love. And if it doesn't work out, we break up, nurse our wounds for a while until the next one comes along. Notice I said nurse our wounds cause rarely do we let those wounds heal before we rip the band aid off and let someone else get subjected to our infections.
Gross I know, but how true does it all sound? Been there, done that.
Sometimes it's hard to break habits that we have grown accustomed to. Trust me, I was that girl that dressed sexy and gave myself away to men in the hopes that they would give me love back. If that's you, I can save you the wasted time and heartache. I know how the story ends and trust me, it isn't good. Man, was that a hard lesson learned. But, I did learn and am thankful for knowing my worth to God.
The world we live in does an awesome job of helping us buy into the enemy's lie that sexual immorality, idolatry, greed and a host of other sins are the key to happiness. Sex sells. Sex is in the music we listen to, the televisions shows and movies we watch, the books we read. Everywhere. Romantic comedies have women swooning over happily ever after, unrealistic expectations of men that usually leave women disappointed when things don't end up like the movies. It life were like the Notebook, there would be far more happy couples in the world.
But God makes everything glorious. Even me. Even you. To Him, your past does not matter. He just wants your heart. No strings attached. No putting on your best face to impress Him. He wants you just the way you are, even if you are a bit broken and bruised. No wondering if He likes you. Trust me, He loves every bit of you. No pressure, no awkward "where is this going" conversation. He wants to shower you with treasures and blessings beyond your imagination and with a love that transcends all understanding. That sounds sweeter than any romance movie I've seen.
And all He wants is your heart. Cause you are already glorious. You are already His beloved.
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