Helpless...

Some days I have to remind myself that I don't have a huge S on my chest, nor do I don a cape when I leave the house. I do not possess super human strength or can leap tall building in a single bound. I cannot solve every crisis in 22 minutes on a TV show and there are not always happy endings. I'm just one person, standing with my faith in My Father and the promise that He makes all things work together for our good.

I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.

You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.

1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.

I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.

So In Love...

I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.

Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.

He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.

I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.

Winging It

I tell people all the time that though I have been a mom for 12 years, I absolutely feel like I am winging it most days. I'm sure plenty of other mothers and fathers feel that way, but will never admit it. That's like admitting that you kinda like one kid over the other, you think one is cuter than the other or actually believing that "I have it all together" face is not real. Parenting is not for the weak at heart. Trust me.

For me, being a single mom to two growing boys has not been a walk in the park. I have to be Mom and Dad, though I have no clue how to wear the Dad hat. It's days like this why I know God intended to families to occur within the institute of marriage because going at it alone isn't easy. But at this point, many of us singletons have to roll with the punches and do life the best way we can. Winging it and all.

Case in point: PUBERTY! I can honestly say that I am so not prepared for this stage in life. My 12 year old is on his way to becoming a man...but who is going to help prepare him for that stage? I am not pulling the poor, helpless Mom card, but I honestly wonder how screwed up my kid is going to be because he doesn't have the advantage of having a Dad at home. At this delicate stage in his development, there are LOTS of things I am sure he would like to discuss but not with his Mom, who sweats with anxiety at the thought of her kid growing hair in weird places.

Case in point 2: My 4 year old who likes to take his underwear off at night. For some reason, Aiden has gotten it into his head that he doesn't like wearing anything at night. He has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even when he would wear the footed pajamas as a baby, he would some how unzip it and take his diaper off, every night. Luckily, he has never had a problem with wetting the bed but, he does have a problem with climbing into my bed every night to sleep. Imagine my surprise waking him up only to find him going commando. He is a very strong willed child and is going through this crying about everything phase that is slowly making my hair fall out. He is not a morning person so getting him to the potty and dressed every morning is a fight to the death.

This is one of those days were the desire for a male companion kinda rears its ugly head. The lie of the enemy telling me "It will be so much easier if you just find them a Dad." For a few minutes this morning, I heard that lie loud and clear, when I realized I put my 12 year old kid in bed with sheets only to wake him up with sheets in the dirty clothes hamper and him in a fresh set of night clothes. "Would it be easier if I just found someone to take up that male slack in my home?" My thoughts totally went into left field wondering how I was going to find someone and talking him into taking on the role of dad to my 2 high energy offspring, and talking me off the ledge when my emotions go into overdrive. I was a mess with thoughts, fears, emotions, lies, and doubts all fighting for space in my head and heart.

Luckily, I slowly let my psycho thoughts escape me and allowed God to massage my heart while listening to praise and worship music. I always know that I am getting filled with the Spirit when I feel goosebumps up and down my arm. That small bit of comforting reassurance was what I needed to know that He's got me. My God is the Father to the fatherless. Me and my boys. Yeah, I can't really fix the brokenness they were born into, but I can make sure they know that our Father in Heaven can fill them with a love and devotion like none other. At some point in the future, God is going to pen the next chapter of our lives and include that person that He has hand picked for us. This is my "in the course of time" season. I'm doing my best to keep my feet firmly planted in God's reality and not my own. He is a redeemer, a healer, a provider, a Father, the lover of my soul who delights in me and my boys. He has a plan for us as a family and individually, so no worries. Yeah, we will be fine, sheets and all.

Faith

One of the most powerful words I know of besides Jesus, is faith. Faith is a trust in things that are unseen. It is by faith that we are saved in Jesus Christ. None of us here on Earth now have every seen Jesus, but it is our faith in His life, death, and resurrection that frees us from sin and condemnation. It is by faith alone that we are given the gift of salvation. Strong stuff.

Our faith or lack there of can make or break us. I believe that society's lack of faith in God is what is destroying our nation and our world. People kill themselves each and every day because they lacked the faith to know that God will bring them out of their temporary situation. People give up hope because they believe that God has forgotten about them. One set back can be the end all be all for someone that does not have a strong faith in the Creator. It breaks my heart for people that are close to me to not have faith that their situation is only temporary. It breaks my heart that they idolize trivial issues and ignore God's desire for them. It's eye opening how some people walk through life covered in confusion and sin and still don't think to submit to God to be released from their struggles.

I am grateful for my life of brokenness and despair before coming back to Christ because I see the world with a new set of eyes. I know what its like to be absolutely bound to sin and shame and I also know the pure joy and love of God and the freedom in Him. Even when I am going through my own storms and battles, I lean on my Savior for strength and come to Him with a heart of thanksgiving for the works that I know He is already doing in my life. Why doesn't everyone get that? Why doesn't everyone know how life saving faith is?

It's times like these that I am extra grateful to have the love of my Savior poured over me and to have the desire to show His love to others. It's moments like this where I know how strong the need for the Gospel is because this world is so broken and desperate. Praying for a revival of spirits and lives and true encounters with the Risen King. So in love with my Savior right now for loving me.

Day 7: Removing the Mask

"Watch yourselves carefully so you don't get contaminated with Pharisee yeast, Pharisee phoniness. You can't keep your true self hidden forever; before long you'll be exposed. You can't hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can't whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public" Luke 12:1-3

Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.

Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.

I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.

For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.

I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.

A Date With My Father

So I needed to keep a record of what happened last night that I just think was really cool. I spent the evening allowing God to just speak to me though Youtube. Crazy huh?!

Well, Aiden went to spend the weekend with his grandmother so I figured I would find something to do with my semi child free evening. I had actually made plans to go see Takers with Diana, Clarissa and Snono but God kinda changed all that. I was actually down to my last $15 and knew I would be getting paid today, but still decided to do the right thing and not spend my last on a movie.

So I was sitting on the couch watching TV and decided to check out some Youtube videos from the P4CM channel. I listened to the poetry and heard the testimonies of teens who turned away from secular music, turned away from sinful lives. I was so moved from the poetry testimony of an ex-stud that I was near tears. God is so power and amazing and can literally do ANYTHING. The ex stud, Jackie, kept saying that she "chose to choose" that lifestyle. She wasn't born gay but had always been attracted to girls and chose to give into those desires instead of presenting her sin to God. POWERFUL stuff.

People don't ever admit that they are simply giving into their own carnal desires. God didn't die on the cross to free us from those sins for us to choose to live those very sins out daily. The two teens that denounced secular music explained how they both realized that they were accepting sins that God hates by listening to music like Jay-Z and Kanye. Beyonce isn't edifying or glorifying God in any of her songs, but she dresses provocatively and does talk about pre-marital sex and greed, all sins that Christ died for. Why make His Crucifixion in vain when we decide to continue on with this Jezebel spirit of living. No amount of justification can make it right. Just like in 2 Kings, Jezebel made herself pretty before she was thrown out of the window. I, too, have given into sin thinking it wasn't really hurting anyone or anything. But it was. Every time I had sex outside of marriage,it hurt Jesus. Every time I watched sex on TV or listened to sexual lyrics, I hurt Jesus. Every time I am more focused on money that on serving the Kingdom of Heaven, I am hurting Jesus. Every lie I told, thing I stole, prideful act I committed, it hurt Jesus. Every time I justify sin or become accepting of sin in my life or others, I am hurting Jesus.

The body of Christ is full of lukewarm Christians. Plenty of people pray and attend church, serve, do outreaches, etc but still are accepting of the sinful nature. They still watch sex on TV and in movies. They still listen to music by artist that denounce Christ and promote the sinful lifestyle. They still hit the club every Saturday and make it to church on Sunday. They still drink past moderation and shout His praises when in need. That is not pleasing to God! Matthew 6:24 says “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other." Can't say you are devoted to Christ and still have one foot in the world. God is a jealous God, an all or nothing God. Real talk.

Last night was a night that was meant to play out like it did. I was supposed to be smart and save my last few dollars and let God pour into my heart and renew my waning spirit. I literally sat up until 3 AM listening to Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baraka and watching the P4CM poetry. I was loving it and the messages pierced my heart. Even today, I felt different. I spent the day watching Sister, Sister and the 3 Left Behind movies. Didn't want to pollute my mind and eyes with filth and foolishness. A shift is happening in me. My spirit is being renewed and my sinful desires cast down. I know I have to continually be cautious of my surroundings but I am so thankful my awakening last night. One of the best dates I've had in years!

Day 6: Praying Through the Pain

"Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away." Psalm 90:10

This devotional is a pretty simple one. I think I have mastered praying through the pain. I have had my share of pain in the last couple of years and since I finally surrendered to Christ a year ago, I am learning to be faithful in the midst of the storm. I have learned that God is not going to over burden me and every stormy season is a test in endurance. I have to pray for strength during the tough times and keep being faithful in knowing that God will bring me out of a bad situation.

He has renewed my faith in my issues with Ryan simply by the awesome works He has done in other areas of my life. It's almost like I get so consumed with that situation, that I forget that He is still present in everything else. He has to show me that He is still God and I should keep my focus where He is moving and not on what I deem important. I have to stop majoring in the minors.

Day 2: Who Determines Your Worth

Matthew 10:29-31: "What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Who determines my worth? The answer should be easy. My Father in Heaven determines my worth. He sees me as His righteous and glorious daughter whom He desires and loves. Anyone with that type of admiration should always feel secure and worthy. But, my honest answer...part of me still struggles with the world determining my worth. To the world, I am a single mother. I am a statistic. I am average. I could stand to loose weight. I could stand to dress better. I should probably wear makeup more often to hide my flaws. I should probably go back to straightening my hair because the short, natural look isn't all that appealing. That is a far cry from the way God sees me. But whose measuring stick do I focus on more?

My small group has been embarking on this 28 Days of Beauty devotional and today's devotional awesomely coincides with this devotional. Isaiah 62:5 says "as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." God calls me His beloved bride, a woman He made beautiful. Sure, I can try to think about what that signifies with my head but, sometimes it does not always pierce my heart. There are days when I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. I sometimes compare myself to other people. I think that I will never have a husband if I don't loose weight, dress prettier and make myself be who they want me to be. This is me being honest. The devotional hit the nail on the head: "This hidden shame is rooted in fear that we don't measure up, despite God's affirmation."

2nd Timothy 1:7 says: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Fear is not of God. It is my job to reject any lies that the enemy or the world tells me that do not line up with what my Father says about me. He delights in me and calls me beautiful, stains and all, so I should not allow myself to think any differently. He cares enough to know all the hairs on my head, so why not allow His love to constantly be poured into my heart? The world will always compare me to everyone else in the world but, I don't have too. I already know my worth in my Father's eyes, the only person whose opinion I should be worried about. Each time I look in the mirror, I should see God's beautiful masterpiece, His beloved bride, His treasure, the daughter of the King.

The Price of Love

For a while now, I have had families on my mind. I noticed that families around me were crumbling, foundations shook loose, marriages tested. I know I have experienced attacks in my own family but my troubles seem to pale in comparison to the troubles others are experiencing. I thank God for His favor over my household, but I pray for His holy anointing on those around me.

LOVE. It's what everyone in the world is searching for. Single people are looking for someone to love them. Married people are looking for someone new to love. Children are crying out for attention and love from their parents. But God is love. So what's the problem?

I have realized that people are searching for a tangible love. Sure many of us know that God loves us like crazy but we still desire that tangible, here on Earth kind of love to keep us warm at night. The kind of love that makes us laugh, takes us out on the town, shares a meal or coffee with, make plans for the future type of love. We go to great lengths to find that love and even greater lengths to hold on to that love.

I sit and swap stories and ideas with my single friends about love and relationships and we are all usually on the same page. We are looking for godly men who are strong in their faith and walking out their purpose. I always quote Meredith Grey and say I want a man who is already "whole and healed." I envision God providing me with a leader, not a leader in training. Someone who can balance life and the church, while keeping God in the center of everything. Someone that will challenge me and keep me going after God. It amazes me how my criteria for men has changed over the years. It has gone from superficial non sense to character, personality, faith and purpose requirement. God has removed the veil to show me the traits that should mean the most, traits that don't lose value over time.

So why don't other people search for the traits that define a person instead of what they get at face value? Why do so many people pay such a high price for the sake of love?

If I haven't learned anything else of value over the past year of my journey with Christ, I've learned that you cannot love someone without understand how God loves each of us. God's love for us is the blue print, the standard. The longing feelings and desires for love that we feel are usually a void that is in our hearts that needs to be filled. Many of us go from man to man or woman to woman trying to fill that void that only God can fill. He is our living water, He is love. When I finally stop looking for love and allowed God's love to fill that empty space, my thirst was finally satisfied. My longing ended. But for some that's not enough.

Too many people are still searching for love, still trying desperately to hold on to what they think is love, sacrificing so much of themselves to maintain love. It's sad and it's not what God intended for us. Usually when my longings appear, that means I am not spending enough time having God pour out His love into my heart. I am not aligned with God, who is love. When I get my walk with God back on track, I no longer have that desire to seek out something that is already there. When relationships or marriages get rocky, people turn to someone else to fulfill that need that is missing. They are not in alignment with God and the enemy finds his way in. Marriages fail everyday because someone is longing for love. People stay in unhealthy relationships because they holding on so tight. People are so afraid of being alone, they compromise God's word for the sake of love. They trade God's truth with their own personal agenda. Such a high price to pay for love.

1 John 4:8 says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." If God is not your main source of love, the you don't know love and you don't know God like you should. If you are compromising your morals and the Bible's instructions in order to get or maintain love, you've already lost. God's love heals, redeems, transforms, sustains. Anything outside of Him is just like trying to catch air in a net; it will always slip through the cracks. Let God's love be your first love. Let His love be your main source of love and understanding. Let everything else be an addition to the love that He firmly plants in your heart.

He Wants It All

As I am traveling to work after dropping off the baby or on my way home from work, I like to ride in silence. This has been the norm for a few weeks. Before, I would be blasting praise and worship music, giving my Father a little glory. I don't know where the riding in silence came from but I do it more and more often. I think I do it to have a little quiet time to spend pouring my heart out to God, hoping that He is listening.

This morning was no different...well maybe. I had just dropped Aiden off and was sitting at the light when I turned off the radio to start up my morning conversation. For some reason, I didn't know what to say. I had had a pretty crappy day yesterday and wanted to have a half-way decent one today, hence the need to talk to God. But the words wouldn't come, the thought were jumbled. I was a mess. I gave up and turned the radio back on.

I flipped from one station to the next and found nothing suitable. Didn't want to pull out a CD either. I was getting kinda frazzled. In a last ditch effort, I flipped the station one more time and there it was. The song that ignited my heart and lifted my spirits. He Wants It All by forever Jones. I got goose bumps the moment I heard the words and immediately began singing my praises.

There's a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all

And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with your life now
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it all

There's a God that walks over the earth,
he's searching for heart that is desperate,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all

God was speaking to me this morning in the midst of my confusion and frustration about not knowing what to say to Him. He wants it all today. He wants all of my crazy thoughts, my tears, my heart, my devotion, my love. He just wants to spend time with me today and wants me to desire to spend time with Him. He doesn't want me wasting time bound to idols when He should be the only person getting my attention and admiration. He just wants all of me. All of me.

God is working on me still. He is working on me to help get me to the point where He has all of me. I am almost there. Kinda. Still a work in progress. Still working on falling on my face completely naked and unashamed before Him. But He is patient and still reminds me that He just wants to be my everything. How sweet is that? My Father, the romantic.

He wants it all. He wants me to serve Him with my life. He wants me to be a child that will give Him my all. It's funny how hard it is to let go of everything and let God have it. My impatience tends to keep me wanting to have my hand in what goes on around me. He just wants it all. Let Him have my troubles and allow him to ease my heart and mind.

He wants it all. You win, Father.

Peace in the Storm

It's amazing how quickly emotions can take over and turn a ok day into a not so ok day. Sometimes something so simple, so small can make me lose my footing and the rug is pulled from up under me. Sometimes, a small reminder of my present situation makes me believe that life will always be like this. Sometimes I have to let the tears fall, get overwhelmed and slightly freak out before I come back down from space. Nothing like crying in the stairwell at work to make me come back to Earth. I'm having a day.

Not a bad day. Just a momentary lapse into an emotional abyss. Slowly coming back to the light after letting my Father calm me down. I had every intention of calling someone or texting someone to get me off the ledge, but I couldn't. I needed to be in that moment alone, so I could totally depend on Him to be my comforter. Jehovah Shalom: Lord of Peace. He didn't speak in a booming voice, or even a whisper. I didn't feel His touch on my shoulder. I didn't feel Him anywhere in that stairwell, but I know He was there. He was there just like He always is, waiting for me to just give it all to Him. See, my Father doesn't want me to be upset or overwhelmed. Sometimes when I get caught up in my own emotions or by let the lies of the enemy invade my thoughts, He waits for me to calm down and remember that He takes care of everything. He makes everything glorious, He provides for my needs, He takes care of problems, He moves. I just have to remember that in the midst of my chaos.

This entry started off differently. It started off with me going on and on about what upset me and the history behind it. Think the Holy Spirit shifted gears after my stairwell tear-fest and decided to have me give praise to my Father instead. Sometimes circumstances seem so bleak and overwhelming, but in the midst of it all, we should still remember to praise Him. Rejoice in the midst of the storm. Though the world felt like it was crashing down around me for about 20 minutes, I still must remember that God is not going to put more on me than I can bear. And I have learned over the years that I think I can carry a mighty heavy load and still press forward. So, in this moment, I am good. I can actually smile. My God is good and makes sure that I remember that. The enemy is already defeated and I am victorious.

Thanks Dad. You rock.

Such A Time As This

I can't remember the exact season that I was in, but at some point in my life, I lost my passion for writing. I could remember a time when books and writing were the absolute most exciting and positive thing in my life as a child. I had imaginary stories and characters that were my escape from my everyday routine. I loved it.

Then life happened. Puberty hit. Boys started to take notice of me. I started to take notice of them. Writing became less important. Only something I did for assignments. The passion was slowly fading away. Then high school hit, peer pressure, the need for acceptance, the need to feel loved, the need to feel anything. My passion for creative writing had died. Home life wasn't great, so I used my friends as an escape. When they didn't fill that void, I found my escape in the boys that told me I was pretty. I traded my passion and desire for writing, for just passion and desire. Bad choice.

Fast forward a decade and some change and about 100 million bad mistakes, and now I am on the other side of the fence. After 2 kids and years of searching for someone to fill that void, I found the light at the end of that dark and lonely tunnel. I found my Father...well more like I stopped running from Him and let Him catch me. We have a simple pact: Give Him all of my junk and He will love me like crazy. I don't have to go out of my way to please Him and He loves me past the hurt and dirt I brought with me.

My journey for righteousness started in July 2009 when God spoke to me for the very first time, in my drive way when I was straight raising hell with someone, but that's for another post. I came to Victory in mid August of 2009 and never left. I mean literally never left. I hit the ground running absorbing everything He had to offer as well as everything Victory had to offer. I was thirsty, anxious to change my life and change the world.

But He said "wait." Yeah, I didn't get that either. He wanted to teach me how to trust Him and allow Him to guide my steps. Not an easy feat for someone who is used to be in control. So I stepped back from the driver's side of my life, allowed God to work on mending my heart and I waited. Just wasn't sure what for.

Then it happened. God wanted me to write a letter to Aiden's dad. Took me 2 days to figure out what to say that didn't involve attitude. But by the time the pen hit the paper, I had written a 2 page letter with words that I swear to this day I didn't write. Kinda like the Holy Spirit took over and replace my anger with words of calm, focus, control and sincerity. I gave him the letter in obedience and never heard a word about it.

Then it happened again. God had me sharing scriptures on peace, faith, wisdom, His love,and forgiveness with Aiden's dad. I found articles and devotionals to send to him. It was working cause God was getting through to him.

Then it happened again! I prayed for boldness to spread God's love to people around me that needed it. God said "write letters." I wrote out 5 heartfelt letters of God's love and devotion to friends I knew needed that bit of encouragement. God said "now write one to Aiden's dad." I said no. God convicted my heart by showing me a vision of Aiden's dad crying in his car. My heart broke and after a week of stalling, I allowed the Holy Spirit to order my words to write the letter. I felt freedom when I delivered that letter though we never spoke about it.

Fast forward a couple of months to just 2 days ago and it finally hit me. God was preparing me for such a time as this. He ignited a spark in me to recognize my gift...writing. My Father said wait and trust Him and in my obedience, He promised to release blessings and great power to me. He wants me to touch hearts and change the world with words. He wants me to be bold and speak of His loves to those that need it and will receive it and to those that need it and won't receive it.

Such a time as this. Jake Hamilton's song The Anthem spoke to my heart during worship this afternoon. God prepared me to re-ignite that passion, my gift that had been there all along. He prepared me to be obedient and still speak of His love, His promise, His truth, His heartbreak, even for those that might not receive it. For such a time as this. People can turn a blind eye to what's going around them, but words tend to pierce hearts a bit better. You have to process words into sentences and paint that picture in your head. That's God planting a seed. God wants me to help plant seeds even if I never see the plants grow. And I'm alright with that because He still gets the praise and glory.

My Father, the Dreamcatcher

Last night, I had a dream about you. In my dream, you came back to me after realizing that this is where you heart lay. You even gave me a ring. But that ring was used, second hand, dull, not sincere. And through out that whole dream, all I could think about were reasons why God didn't allow this union to happen in the first place. I actually felt doubt, uncertainty, unrest in my heart about you in that dream. Have never felt emotions in my dream, literally felt them like I was truly living these moments out in real life. God still speaks and moves, even in my dreams.

He is good...all the time.

I am a signs and wonders type of Christian. I believe in God, I know He is all powerful, still performing miracles and healing everyday. But sometimes God has to give me some confirmation before I recognize it is Him at work. I know most days, God is standing in Heaven, tapping His foot like "Really... you still need more proof that I am who I say I am? Get it together." But thankfully, God is patient and merciful and doesn't mind showing me for the millionth time that He's got me. Thanks Father...seriously.

I had been praying for God to reveal things to me in my dreams and as I go about my day. And of course, God being God, He obliges me. He gives me opportunities to witness to people, He gives me those "a ha" revelations at the strangest times, and He speaks in my dreams.

I have a tendency to wonder "what if" a lot and even worse, I "romanticize the past" as the charming Beth Moore calls it. I wonder "what if I handle this situation this way, even though I know its against your will for me?" Or "what if I seek out and pursue this guy I like, even though you've told me to wait?" Or I start to ponder the enemy's enchanting whispers that holding out for hope on someone God has saved me from, might make them come back.

Thankfully, my Father still has bigger plans for me and would rather keep tapping His foot in Heaven, than allow me to travel down the wrong path. It hit me on the drive home from hanging out with friends that God spoke comfort and peace into my heart in that dream. He understands I still struggle from time to time with really rationalizing the fact that I have let go and moved on, so He reminds me of the reasons why He spared me from making such a tragic mistake with that relationship. Being able to actually feel those feelings of doubt and unrest while dreaming was just a reminder of how I feel when I am awake and examine that relationship. Whenever I start down that "what if" path, God quickly reveals to me that He spared me from a relationship that was destined to be stressful, unhappy, complacent, and unfulfilled and totally unaligned with His idea of how a relationship and marriage is supposed to be.

Sometimes I wonder if my daydreaming is the cause of so many rocky relationships too. Well sort of. When my mind wanders about my current single status and the ever present desire to court and get married, God usually sends a broken relationship my way to examine. He reminds me with constant examples of what happens when people go outside His plan and do things their own way. It is revealed to me the consequences of couples that don't guard their hearts and adhere to sexual purity and allow sin to be center of their relationships, not Him. I am faced with adultery, broken trust, divorce, heartbreak, wasted year and unsatisfactory lives.

But my Father adores me. He thinks enough of me to spare me from that. He desires for me to be filled with blessings and happiness that He doesn't mind showing me the reality of what happens when I am impatient and decide to take matters into my own hands. Only a loving protecting father would go to such lengths to ensure that I inherit all the riches due to His beloved daughter. Doesn't get any better than that.

You Make Everything Glorious

I took the title of this post from a David Crowder Band song I heard on the way home. I am sure I have heard it a few times but today it just seemed to speak right to me. The words were a bit more clear as if I was meant to hear them. God is funny like that sometimes. I don't think I was in a state where I needed that bit of reassurance. Or maybe I was now that I think about it. I have been thinking of somethings lately. Ok, God, you win. Thanks for the unexpected bit of comfort. You rock.

The lyrics stood out more than everything.

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am yours
What does that make me?

God makes everything glorious...even us. We are made in His image so if He is already glorious, we get His glory and righteousness by default. We belong to the living Savior and it is by His grace that we have been saved and made whole again. He loves us, He delights in us, He wants to shower us with the one true and perfect love.

So why doesn't everyone get this? Why don't we all let God's love dwell in our hearts and minds and not be consumed by the desires of the flesh? Why don't we simply accept His free, no strings attached love instead of giving away every bit of ourselves to carnal desires, only to be left broken. Why don't we all know that we are already glorious?

The world shows us that we must seek love and acceptance. We must date around, have sex, run a muck and live life to the fullest to find true happiness. We must lose ourselves in relationships, submit to the desires of our heart in order to feel love. We have to have someone complete us. Women have to flirt and dress sexy to get the attention of men. Men have to treat women like objects instead of precious rubies. We have to put on our best face and sometimes ignore obvious red flags for the sake of having someone in our lives. We have to give into our own desires or the desires of others in order to prove our love. And if it doesn't work out, we break up, nurse our wounds for a while until the next one comes along. Notice I said nurse our wounds cause rarely do we let those wounds heal before we rip the band aid off and let someone else get subjected to our infections.

Gross I know, but how true does it all sound? Been there, done that.

Sometimes it's hard to break habits that we have grown accustomed to. Trust me, I was that girl that dressed sexy and gave myself away to men in the hopes that they would give me love back. If that's you, I can save you the wasted time and heartache. I know how the story ends and trust me, it isn't good. Man, was that a hard lesson learned. But, I did learn and am thankful for knowing my worth to God.

The world we live in does an awesome job of helping us buy into the enemy's lie that sexual immorality, idolatry, greed and a host of other sins are the key to happiness. Sex sells. Sex is in the music we listen to, the televisions shows and movies we watch, the books we read. Everywhere. Romantic comedies have women swooning over happily ever after, unrealistic expectations of men that usually leave women disappointed when things don't end up like the movies. It life were like the Notebook, there would be far more happy couples in the world.

But God makes everything glorious. Even me. Even you. To Him, your past does not matter. He just wants your heart. No strings attached. No putting on your best face to impress Him. He wants you just the way you are, even if you are a bit broken and bruised. No wondering if He likes you. Trust me, He loves every bit of you. No pressure, no awkward "where is this going" conversation. He wants to shower you with treasures and blessings beyond your imagination and with a love that transcends all understanding. That sounds sweeter than any romance movie I've seen.

And all He wants is your heart. Cause you are already glorious. You are already His beloved.

Bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth

A couple of weeks ago, our small group assignment was to create a collage of words and pictures of what we think it would look like to bring the kingdom of Heaven to Earth. We were given magazines, poster boards, scissors, glue and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Simple enough.

I finished my work of art rather quickly and was proud of the results considering I had to use magazines like Cosmo, Style, Essence and other "worldly" mags. I realized it wouldn't be easy to find images or phrases that represents the Kingdom of Heaven here on Earth. Those magazines teach women 99 ways to please your man sexually...outside the covenant of marriage. They teach you make up and hair tricks to make us feel beautiful on the outside...yet broken and wounded on the inside. They teach us that being stick thin is to be idolized when the word of God tells us that we are not to bow before any idol.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me." Exodus 20:1-3. A simple concept that has escaped the mind of the masses. Though people aren't praying to golden calves, they are obsessed with the "treasures" of the world. Sex, money, fame, careers, the quest for love, beauty...you name it, someone is freaking out about it right now. We spend more time worrying about our outer appearance than we do about our inner appearance.

If God were to show up right now and ask to take a look at your heart, would He find something to be proud of? Would He be pleased with the state of your heart and mind? Would He dwell there?

How do we bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth? Change. We change our hearts by letting the Holy Spirit dwell in us. We change our perspective on the world by allowing God to break our hearts for what breaks His. We change the way we see people, the way we see life, the way we operate in the world filled with sin and despair. We change...and we allow our transformation to be the light of Jesus that people see.

We change. We stop running from God's truth and surrender to His will. Yeah that's the tricky part. Surrendering to God's will means we will have to let go of the pleasures of the world. We would have to stop having sex, stop polluting our ears and eyes with lustful and degrading music and film. We would have to start loving others even when they sin against us. We would have to step out of our comfort zone and stand up for Jesus even when others refuse to listen. We have to pray and discern matters instead of flying by the seat of our pants. We realize that God sees us a beautiful and holy and that we don't have to give ourselves away to be loved. We have to stop searching for the one and allow God to shine us up and present us to the one He has waiting for us. We have to learn to put all of our hopes, dreams, fears, and sorrows in His hands and not try to do life on our own. We have to read His love letter to us. We have to shed our old lives, die to ourselves, and follow our Savior.

Have I lost you yet? We have to change. To bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth means we have to change the way we do things now. The world can no longer be our measuring stick for progress...our Father in Heaven is the standard.

Change comes with time but God is patient. Change doesn't happen over night but at some point, you have to make that first leap towards Him. Trust me, He will catch you.