Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Day 12: What Do You Crave?

"My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!-insatiable for your nourishing commands." Psalm 119:20 (MSG)

In early 2009, I began having this weird longing to go back to church. Now mind you, I had been in GA since 2000 and could count on one hand how many times I had been to church. Once I left Mississippi and the routine of going to church every Sunday, I started doing my own thing. I was new to the state and finding a church just was not on my radar. I would sometimes feel bad for not going to church but never convicted enough to do something about it. However, that longing, that craving, that thirst for God started to get very strong. I found myself obsessing over church websites trying to figure out where I was supposed to go but could never step out on faith and make the move. This was always when me and Ryan started having our break down in communication and in hindsight, I believe God was calling me back to Him to prepare me for the trials that were coming soon. He was still pursuing me even after living outside His will for almost a decade. He was still in love with me even when I allowed an atheist to shake what little faith and understanding I had of Him. He still desired me even when I denied Him...and then I ended up craving Him.

I still remember coming to Victory in August 2009, just a few weeks after having my first encounter with God. That overwhelming craving for God was at its peak and I didn't know what to do with it. When God spoke to me that night in July and told me that "this is not who you are." I surrendered to Him right there and that craving started to become satisfied. I was so overwhelmed with Him presence and my brokenness, that I had a panic attack. A couple of weeks later, I was at my first service at Victory and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was home and God was glad to see me.

I crave to always have that feeling of satisfaction and overwhelming presence of God but in all reality, I don't. I don't always have these supernatural experiences where God speaks clear as day or that I am just baptized in the Holy Spirit every time I call on Him. But I crave those days. I crave God's attention and affection. I long to please Him and follow His commands. I long to share His love with others. But does all of that happen on the regular? Nope, because usually my life is crowded with junk and distractions. I spend too much time worrying about "minor" issues, on the Internet, watching TV (or catching up usually), running errands, raising kids, being a friend, sister, counselor, life coach, leader, etc, that I don't always leave time for God. I worry that there is not enough hours in the day when there is plenty of time but only one of me. Even in all the chaos, God still wants His time.

I miss that season of craving God and His presence. Not that I don't long for Him now because I do desire to keep drawing closer to Him. But that overwhelming, tangible craving to be with Him is not always there. One of my main desires is to continue to grow more with Him and press forward in this spiritual journey. I have been feeling rather bored with sameness and it's because I feel stagnant. I need something, I need God. I need Him to shake things up for me, to give me boldness to speak of His love to strangers, to "step up and lead" as He has called me to do. So why haven't I done these things? Because I let other things get in the way of that passion that I should have for the King. When I am worried about the kids health, I am not trusting that He is a healer and that I should have no fear. When I am worrying about money, I am not trusting that He is a provider. When I am wasting time on foolishness, I am not giving God His glory and filling my time with things that please Him.

Wow, just had a revelation. I have needed a break from sameness and something new to do with my life. I've been asked to do some work with a friend's ministry which I am happy to do. This would be pleasing to God, this will be a way to grow with others and reach out to God's lost and hurting. My excitement and thirst to do more for the Kingdom is growing and this just might be the outlet I need to be creative and allow God to use me.

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