Thursday, October 28, 2010

Winging It

I tell people all the time that though I have been a mom for 12 years, I absolutely feel like I am winging it most days. I'm sure plenty of other mothers and fathers feel that way, but will never admit it. That's like admitting that you kinda like one kid over the other, you think one is cuter than the other or actually believing that "I have it all together" face is not real. Parenting is not for the weak at heart. Trust me.

For me, being a single mom to two growing boys has not been a walk in the park. I have to be Mom and Dad, though I have no clue how to wear the Dad hat. It's days like this why I know God intended to families to occur within the institute of marriage because going at it alone isn't easy. But at this point, many of us singletons have to roll with the punches and do life the best way we can. Winging it and all.

Case in point: PUBERTY! I can honestly say that I am so not prepared for this stage in life. My 12 year old is on his way to becoming a man...but who is going to help prepare him for that stage? I am not pulling the poor, helpless Mom card, but I honestly wonder how screwed up my kid is going to be because he doesn't have the advantage of having a Dad at home. At this delicate stage in his development, there are LOTS of things I am sure he would like to discuss but not with his Mom, who sweats with anxiety at the thought of her kid growing hair in weird places.

Case in point 2: My 4 year old who likes to take his underwear off at night. For some reason, Aiden has gotten it into his head that he doesn't like wearing anything at night. He has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even when he would wear the footed pajamas as a baby, he would some how unzip it and take his diaper off, every night. Luckily, he has never had a problem with wetting the bed but, he does have a problem with climbing into my bed every night to sleep. Imagine my surprise waking him up only to find him going commando. He is a very strong willed child and is going through this crying about everything phase that is slowly making my hair fall out. He is not a morning person so getting him to the potty and dressed every morning is a fight to the death.

This is one of those days were the desire for a male companion kinda rears its ugly head. The lie of the enemy telling me "It will be so much easier if you just find them a Dad." For a few minutes this morning, I heard that lie loud and clear, when I realized I put my 12 year old kid in bed with sheets only to wake him up with sheets in the dirty clothes hamper and him in a fresh set of night clothes. "Would it be easier if I just found someone to take up that male slack in my home?" My thoughts totally went into left field wondering how I was going to find someone and talking him into taking on the role of dad to my 2 high energy offspring, and talking me off the ledge when my emotions go into overdrive. I was a mess with thoughts, fears, emotions, lies, and doubts all fighting for space in my head and heart.

Luckily, I slowly let my psycho thoughts escape me and allowed God to massage my heart while listening to praise and worship music. I always know that I am getting filled with the Spirit when I feel goosebumps up and down my arm. That small bit of comforting reassurance was what I needed to know that He's got me. My God is the Father to the fatherless. Me and my boys. Yeah, I can't really fix the brokenness they were born into, but I can make sure they know that our Father in Heaven can fill them with a love and devotion like none other. At some point in the future, God is going to pen the next chapter of our lives and include that person that He has hand picked for us. This is my "in the course of time" season. I'm doing my best to keep my feet firmly planted in God's reality and not my own. He is a redeemer, a healer, a provider, a Father, the lover of my soul who delights in me and my boys. He has a plan for us as a family and individually, so no worries. Yeah, we will be fine, sheets and all.

My Latest Revelation

I must admit that I am going through a rather disconnected time right now. Not sure what it's about but I think its more so me being stubborn and not being obedient to what God has already told me I need to do. My prayer life and Bible reading has kinda been on the back burner which sucks. Common sense tells me that I know the solution to my problem but oddly enough, I just can't seem to will myself to get it together. Luckily, my life isn't in shambles, spiraling out of control, but it could definitely use a spiritual tune up. I kinda think I am holding myself back because of fear, shame and guilt for various reason but that's for another post. One of those "I don't even feel like I am worthy to be in God's presence" type of hindrance. I know He loves and delights in me despite all my hang ups and sin but I am still waiting on my heart to catch up with my head.

Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.

A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.

I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.

I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Confessions of a Hypocrite

I confess that I am a hypocrite, a walking contradiction. Every Sunday, I'm in church pouring my heart out in worship and devouring Pastor D's message. Every Wednesday night, I am at Fusion, worshipping like a maniac and hanging on every word from Pastor Johnson. Yet, when I leave the church grounds, reality sets in. I am not living this amazing Christian life that I want everyone to believe. I definitely falling way short of God's glory. I am not moving in step with what God calls me to do. I do not always share God's amazing power with others. I do not always let the light of Jesus shine through me. I am the poster child of hypocrisy...all because of fear.

This past weekend, I truly realized the extent that fear has on my life. Actually, I realized it some weeks ago when I was about to blog about fear because that was the topic of the devotional I was reading. The words on the pages slapped me in the face and I realized how many areas of my life are stagnant because I'm afraid. Pastor D talked about moving with God and for God. Moving when He tells us to by taking that leap of faith into the unseen and unknown. God called me to lead a small group many months ago, but I am standing still because of fear. I wont allow God to completely have of my heart and mind because of fear. I can't even begin to name all that I can't do because of fear. But Sunday's message and my small group's talk on fear opened my eyes and shook my spirit. And then of course on FB, Dede's word from God was "Are you rejecting yourself on behalf of others? Do you say 'I know you're too busy and you dont have time to talk to me.' 'I dont want to be a burdern on people.' 'I know people's schedules are so packed these days.' 'I'm okay, there are other people that need help more than me.'" I am all of the above. I hear you, Father. I'm listening. I am living in fear. Save me.

I got index cards to write down all the fears that I have and a scripture to counter that lie of the enemy. Something tells me that I am going to go through a lot of cards.

To be continued...