It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
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