It's been a few days since I have posted and I guess I needed a little time to slow down from life to put this past week into words. God has been doing some crazy things, like always. But it's even interesting to know that even when I am swimming in my own sea of disconnection from God, He still sees fit to speak to me.
I have these times when I am not quite where I need to be with Him and feel a bit disconnected. It's never anything He has done or hasn't done. It's always me. My life gets in the way. My thoughts get in the way. My fear, my busy schedule, desire to be surrounded by my community, my own personal desires or unmet needs get in the way. He is constant, never changing and I am the flaky, often rebellious emotional me. So there I was, not motivitated to honor Him through out my day, making prayer more of a bothersome routine than intimate time with Him, not telling people about how wonderful and amazing He is. I was feeling a bit wary about Peru, hadn't sent out any support letters, really starting to believe that there was no way I was going to go on this trip. The enemy had invaded my mind and I was constantly wrestling with what I thought was my reality and not submitting to God's destiny. I knew without a doubt that God intended for me to go on this trip because it was Him who placed the burning desire in my heart to help sex trafficking victims. I was being stubborn and trying to hard to rationalize in my natural mind what I know God can accomplish supernaturally.
For 2 nights, I dreamed about Peru. Not about being there but the preparation phase for it. I saw our team brainstorming ideas, coming up with an agenda, praying, raising support together. I knew it was a God fueled dream because I could feel the positive vibes and warm feeling from the environment I was in. When I wasn't dreaming, I found myself thinking about my Princess as I saw the pictures she posted on FB. Money, drugs and alcohol. She is caught up in a dangerous lifestyle that breaks my heart. I am comforted in knowing that the seeds of hope were planted last summer. She has befriended me, Dede & Avery, Veronica and Ginger on FB and I know they all pray for her constantly. We are her makeshift family out in the suburbs, her quiet reminder that there are people that will welcome her back with open arms with one phone call.
When I wasn't thinking about Peru, I was wondering why I couldn't seem to get that spark back into my spiritual life. My lovely friend Quiana has been plagued with this same issue for months. While hanging out before Fusion last Wednesday, I over heard a fellow small group apprentice talking to his leader about the fact that he had been feeling disconnected as well. My friend Daniel IM'd me asking for some spirtual guidance because he was disconnected and had lost his passion. I got a text message from my lovely missionary friend Kemesha on Thursday who said that she had been feeling the exact same way for a week. I was alarmed by the number of people that had been having this same issue at the same time. I never try to super spiritualize anything but something was going on.
While talking with Kemesha, I feeling a loss for words about how to explain things. I told her to just keep pressing forward, keep reading the bible, keep praying and God will breakthrough. Then I remembered what I had shared with Daniel a couple of days earlier.
Isaiah 57:15 says "The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: "I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts."
I think the Holy Spirit kinda took over the conversation at that point because somehow I put together the idea that there are more people feeling disconnected in our community and the good thing is the fact that people recognize this disconnect and are still trying to press forward and persue Christ. This desire to reconnect is what is going to lead us into a season of revival where hearts will be reignited and turn back to God with full force. I began to get excited myself because it was last spring when Fusion had this AMAZING crazy season of revival that lasted about 10 weeks. It almost felt like God literally camped out in the santuary and pour out His love and glory over us. After the phone call, I pulled out my bible and was looking over that scripture again and then went to Hosea 6:1-3, another scripture that had been stuck in my head. It says
“Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”
Both scriptures talk about a call for repentance. Isaiah talks about God reviving hearts and spirits when people repent. Hosea talks about healing and reviving us if we press forward, the very words I spoke to Kemesha over the phone. He will come like the spring rain that waters the earth. I seriously think that God is going to unleash something amazing this spring to revive the disconnected hearts and minds just like He did last year. I am actually getting goosebumps thinking about it. This is something that so many people need despearately right now. I never profess to be someone who has the gift of prophesy but I sincerely think God has something in store for us soon.
Showing posts with label distractions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distractions. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Really Do Make You Happy, God
It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)