Monday, October 18, 2010

Confessions of a Hypocrite

I confess that I am a hypocrite, a walking contradiction. Every Sunday, I'm in church pouring my heart out in worship and devouring Pastor D's message. Every Wednesday night, I am at Fusion, worshipping like a maniac and hanging on every word from Pastor Johnson. Yet, when I leave the church grounds, reality sets in. I am not living this amazing Christian life that I want everyone to believe. I definitely falling way short of God's glory. I am not moving in step with what God calls me to do. I do not always share God's amazing power with others. I do not always let the light of Jesus shine through me. I am the poster child of hypocrisy...all because of fear.

This past weekend, I truly realized the extent that fear has on my life. Actually, I realized it some weeks ago when I was about to blog about fear because that was the topic of the devotional I was reading. The words on the pages slapped me in the face and I realized how many areas of my life are stagnant because I'm afraid. Pastor D talked about moving with God and for God. Moving when He tells us to by taking that leap of faith into the unseen and unknown. God called me to lead a small group many months ago, but I am standing still because of fear. I wont allow God to completely have of my heart and mind because of fear. I can't even begin to name all that I can't do because of fear. But Sunday's message and my small group's talk on fear opened my eyes and shook my spirit. And then of course on FB, Dede's word from God was "Are you rejecting yourself on behalf of others? Do you say 'I know you're too busy and you dont have time to talk to me.' 'I dont want to be a burdern on people.' 'I know people's schedules are so packed these days.' 'I'm okay, there are other people that need help more than me.'" I am all of the above. I hear you, Father. I'm listening. I am living in fear. Save me.

I got index cards to write down all the fears that I have and a scripture to counter that lie of the enemy. Something tells me that I am going to go through a lot of cards.

To be continued...

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