Thursday, October 28, 2010

Winging It

I tell people all the time that though I have been a mom for 12 years, I absolutely feel like I am winging it most days. I'm sure plenty of other mothers and fathers feel that way, but will never admit it. That's like admitting that you kinda like one kid over the other, you think one is cuter than the other or actually believing that "I have it all together" face is not real. Parenting is not for the weak at heart. Trust me.

For me, being a single mom to two growing boys has not been a walk in the park. I have to be Mom and Dad, though I have no clue how to wear the Dad hat. It's days like this why I know God intended to families to occur within the institute of marriage because going at it alone isn't easy. But at this point, many of us singletons have to roll with the punches and do life the best way we can. Winging it and all.

Case in point: PUBERTY! I can honestly say that I am so not prepared for this stage in life. My 12 year old is on his way to becoming a man...but who is going to help prepare him for that stage? I am not pulling the poor, helpless Mom card, but I honestly wonder how screwed up my kid is going to be because he doesn't have the advantage of having a Dad at home. At this delicate stage in his development, there are LOTS of things I am sure he would like to discuss but not with his Mom, who sweats with anxiety at the thought of her kid growing hair in weird places.

Case in point 2: My 4 year old who likes to take his underwear off at night. For some reason, Aiden has gotten it into his head that he doesn't like wearing anything at night. He has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even when he would wear the footed pajamas as a baby, he would some how unzip it and take his diaper off, every night. Luckily, he has never had a problem with wetting the bed but, he does have a problem with climbing into my bed every night to sleep. Imagine my surprise waking him up only to find him going commando. He is a very strong willed child and is going through this crying about everything phase that is slowly making my hair fall out. He is not a morning person so getting him to the potty and dressed every morning is a fight to the death.

This is one of those days were the desire for a male companion kinda rears its ugly head. The lie of the enemy telling me "It will be so much easier if you just find them a Dad." For a few minutes this morning, I heard that lie loud and clear, when I realized I put my 12 year old kid in bed with sheets only to wake him up with sheets in the dirty clothes hamper and him in a fresh set of night clothes. "Would it be easier if I just found someone to take up that male slack in my home?" My thoughts totally went into left field wondering how I was going to find someone and talking him into taking on the role of dad to my 2 high energy offspring, and talking me off the ledge when my emotions go into overdrive. I was a mess with thoughts, fears, emotions, lies, and doubts all fighting for space in my head and heart.

Luckily, I slowly let my psycho thoughts escape me and allowed God to massage my heart while listening to praise and worship music. I always know that I am getting filled with the Spirit when I feel goosebumps up and down my arm. That small bit of comforting reassurance was what I needed to know that He's got me. My God is the Father to the fatherless. Me and my boys. Yeah, I can't really fix the brokenness they were born into, but I can make sure they know that our Father in Heaven can fill them with a love and devotion like none other. At some point in the future, God is going to pen the next chapter of our lives and include that person that He has hand picked for us. This is my "in the course of time" season. I'm doing my best to keep my feet firmly planted in God's reality and not my own. He is a redeemer, a healer, a provider, a Father, the lover of my soul who delights in me and my boys. He has a plan for us as a family and individually, so no worries. Yeah, we will be fine, sheets and all.

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