Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Delight Is In Her

Today is a girly day. One of those days were I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. Raw and exposed. Intentionally. I've come to the realization that there are some little parts of my heart that still have holes in it that I have been trying to hide from God. Stupid move because as I sometimes forget that He already knows the condition of my heart, even if I never say a word.

I am realizing that there are some issues that I thought I was whole and healed from but in all reality, I was just ignoring them. I am the Queen of ignoring something until it goes away, praying that it doesn't rear its ugly head again at the most inopportune time. But lately it has. In the form of dreams. Dreams about him. For the most part, that chapter has been written and ended and for the most part, I feel that I am completely okay with leaving the past in the past.

But God has this amazing way of bringing to the light areas of our lives that we try to hide from Him that are still a little tender to the touch. I had my moment of clarity and honesty when I let the floodgates open about how I was really feeling.

I miss him. Not the relationship, but just him. His presence in my life. I miss the security he provided. The comfort, the listening ear, the encouragement, the validation, the friendship. For so many years, he was this prominent figure in my life, in my world. Luckily when things ended, I was not left this big gaping hole. I was okay with our transition out of each life. It was needed because I needed to free myself to follow Christ, to grow up, to be rescued.

Being surrounded by courting and married couples reminds you of your single status. I'm okay with that but its hard to escape that twinge of something in your heart. Yet over the last few weeks, God has been speaking to me about issues that I have not been wanting to address out loud even though it has taken up residence in my mind.

A few weeks ago, I took Ancient Paths 2 at church. 1000% more impactful that the first class. This was the first time I heard the scripture Isaiah 62:2-4 which says:

The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.

My intercessor for our group prayed this blessing over me. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and at our last Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study session, Beth mentioned again Isaiah 62:2-4. Hephzibah. This past Friday at the women's conference, Beckah Shae mentioned having a dream with the name Hephzibah. It means "my delight is in her" from Isaiah 62:4.

Its funny how I've been longing for some affection and praise from someone that God purposefully removed from my life so that He can be the one give me affection and praise. He has been saying "I delight in you" for weeks. To Him, I am a royal diadem and I have been crowned with splendor. He delights in me. I am Hephzibah. For real. All these things I have been longing for, God already promised to be that for me in the form of the Holy Spirit. John 14:16 (AMP) says:

And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever--.

My dreams about my past, the twinges in my heart, is just God trying to fill the empty spaces in my life that I pretend are not there. He can't mend what I wont let go of. Thank goodness He is patient with me because I can be stubborn and controlling and try to patch myself up when I think He isn't looking. But He is jealous for me and would rather speak to me than to let me keep nursing an open wound.

He gets me.

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