Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Daddy's Little Girl

I had lunch with a friend that went to Peru with me and we made plans to meet up on again on Sunday. She casually mentioned that it was Father's Day and since she didn't have a dad, it was no big deal. I replied with a similar response mainly because I totally forgot it was Father's Day on Sunday. When you grow up with no father around, that day really has no meaning.

I was thinking about my state of fatherlessness this morning when I read a blog about how former Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland own father has been trying to reach out to her. Most people are well aware that Kelly's father abandoned her when she was a kid and she spent a significant portion of her life under the care of Beyonce's parents. Instinctively, I assumed that because Kelly has some degree of fame, her absentee father is creating a buzz for monetary reasons. Who would think that a man that abandoned their child would really come searching for them 30 years later to try to make up for all the years that they missed. How often does that happen?

My own father has been trying to contact me for about a year now and the phone calls go unanswered. I know of him but have no relationship with him and to me, that's fine. My mom even got onto me about not answering when he calls usually following up with the same "he's your father" excuse. I really have no desire to reclaim any lost years or have some man to become this father figure so late in my life. To me, the idea of having a dad is truly a foreign concept. I understand the purpose and benefits of having a dedicated father around growing up. I never got that so, I don't know how to put that type of relationship into context. I was never daddy's little girl and never will be...and that's cool with me. Kinda hard to miss something I never had.

I am positive I have daddy issues. Using boys and sex as a source of validation growing up is truth to that. Luckily my God is a father to the fatherless so I have been saved and redeemed from all that. Yet, I sometimes wonder what real lasting effects of not having a dad will catch up to me down the road? I have dated a lot of guys, good and bad. In my BC (before Christ) days, I thought I had an idea of what I good guy was but was wrong. Had I had that positive male figure to admire, I am sure I would not have made a lot of the mistakes I did growing up.

Will I be able to recognize a really good man when I didn't grow up with that example of a good father? I don't have a standard to measure them to that is ingrained and familiar to me. I didn't grow up with a positive example of marriage either so how will I know what a good marriage should be like? How jacked up will my boys be since they don't have a father active in their lives? Gavin has never really known his father. Aiden's dad was super involved but has reduced himself down to an every other weekend dad due to his new family.

Generational curses at its best. My grandmother had her daughters with different men and I don't even think my mom had a relationship with her dad. She then had 5 children with 2 different men and none of us have a relationship with our fathers. My brother has a football team worth of kids and is only present in the lives of two. My other brother has a daughter back home that he only sees a couple times a year because he, his wife (who is pregnant with kid number 2) live in Maryland. My sister is on her second husband so her daughter may fair better with her step dad since her dad lives in another state. And then there is me, raising 2 boys alone. Boys who will someday be men who grow up without a father.

As sad as all that I have written sounds, I know it is all a lie. As I type, I can hear that small voice in my mind that is telling me "you have all those things already." I have been blessed beyond measure and sometimes forget it. God has given me the privilege of getting to know some truly amazing men. Single, courting, and married godly men who love, cherish and respect their wives and would lay down their lives for their children. Men that understand their purpose as a husband and father and live that out proudly. I am surrounded with examples of marriages that He Himself has orchestrated. He has provided all the things that I didn't have growing up through other people. Even Gavin has some great men that spend time with him and show him what it looks like to be a man who honors God in all things.

I have always been Daddy's little girl. Just took some time to realize who my Daddy was.

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