Ready or Not?

My friend Diana dropped the bomb on me last night. I love her because she isn't afraid to call me out of my foolishness and she asks the questions that need to be asked. She does it all in love but doesn't sugar coat. As we were discussing the guy I have "noticed" she asked a very important question that I had not even thought about in all these months.

"Are you really ready for your heart's desire?"

I was silent. I seriously had no words and no train of thought to attempt to answer that questions. She had me. I had to admit to myself that I didnt think I was ready. In fact, the idea slightly terrified me.

I seriously think God has me in a season of preparation. For what, I am not totally certain but I would like to think its somewhere in the relationship realm. He has taken me through seasons of trust, transparency and now preparation. He is putting me in positions that stretch and challenge me. He is placing people around me that encourage me and model how a life that edifies God looks like. I have great teachers and leaders around me that are helping me grow and learn more about myself.

But am I ready?

I pray often for my husband. Strange I know considering I am single. I figured if God has a specific person for me in mind already, why not start praying for him? I have no idea who he is but I thank God for him, I pray for his health, his relationship with God, favor in his career, school, whatever he is doing. Why wait until I get married or even when we start dating/courting to pray for him? Anyway, I pray for my husband but when Diana asked me if I am even ready to receive the desires of my heart, it made me really think. Am I ready to be someone's girlfriend let alone wife? Yeah, the desire is there but is my life in order? Chew on that for minute.

I realize I have very limited time. I think Tuesdays and the weekends are probably the only nights that I don't already have something scheduled and usually the weekends are jam packed with errands, time with the boys, birthday parties, BBQ, movie or dinner dates, seminars, Bible study, impromptu gatherings with friends, etc. Where would a boyfriend fit? In all this chaos of days that bleed into each other, where does God fit in all of this. I realize that I don't always pencil in time for God so I certainly shouldn't rearrange my schedule to fit a guy.

Am I prepared for my heart's desire? I am working on getting my finances in order, I have dealt with bruises and hurts from my past and can honestly say they are no longer strong holds in my life. I have wonderful examples of Godly courtships and marriages that I can go to for advice so I am not just flying by the seat of my pants. I have a heart of a servant and understand the role of a submitted help mate in relation to my husband. God has shown me the importance of forgiveness and respect, two big areas I struggled with. I understand the need for courting with a purpose and a vision and not just dating to pass the time. I am an advocate for purity, not just abstaining from sex. I know the direction God wants me to go and it seriously ignites my heart with passion when I think about it.

Am I prepared for my heart's desire? I think I am. I think approaching relationships with a new attitude and outlook on life is a bit scary because I am used to operating totally with my flesh. I do believe that is where my fear stems. I am in a position where I have taken the time to get to know a person before I started to get butterflies and I don't recall that ever happening in before. Usually I am so overtaken with the physical aspect that getting to know them was something that I just hoped would come later, even though it didn't always happen that way. I am treading in foreign territory but its okay. This in itself is preparation. Even if this guy and I never make it past the friend stage, I have learned to guard my heart. I have realized that I can like someone without being consumed with sexual thoughts and desires. I have learned to pray for wisdom and discernment and I refuse to compromise on what I feel is right. I have learned to set boundaries and respect boundaries that he has in place. I am learning patience, no connection before commitment, and still keeping God and His business at the fore front.

Am I prepared for my heart's desire. Yeah.

Guard your heart...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23.

That's the only thing I could think of when I was told about an issue with a young lady that I am acquainted with. Matters of the heart are always tricky, especially for young Christian women. We are told to wait on our husbands, adhere to courtship, remain pure in body and in mind. And above all else guard your heart. That guard your heart thing tends to be the hardest thing to do for some. It was hard for this young lady and now she has yet another piece of her heart scarred by a young man who somehow missed the message on guarding the heart of a woman.

It bewilders me that I sit through the same Fusion services on Wednesday nights as many others yet, everyone doesn't seem to live by the same teachings I get from the messages. I am being reminded that everyone doesn't get the same convictions that I do. Everyone doesn't have that same desire to live a life that would make Jesus smile. Everyone doesn't have the same desire to stop doing life the way we used to that obviously hasn't worked for us in the past. Some people still want to figure out life the hard way, all the while collecting more scars and battle wounds before retreating back to Christ in defeat. Luckily, our Savior has a heart that knows no bounds but I am sure it pains Him to see so many people being hearers of His word, but not doers of His word.

I tend to not think naively about most things but I guess in this instance I was. I was naive to think that just because Fusion women hear that they should guard their own hearts against deceit and wicked ways, that they would actually do it. I was naive to think that because Fusion men are challenged to be protectors of the hearts of the women they are persuing that they actually protect those fragile hearts. It breaks my heart to know that two people that I know decided to do things their own way, leaving one with the pain of a broken and scorned heart, unanswered questions, and an even larger longing for comfort in someone other that Jesus.

It can get pretty daunting for single people to see new relationships spring to life, engagements be announced and wedding invitations be sent out on a regular basis in one community of young believers. I guess I am bold enough to admit that I am okay right where God has me, single. Does it get lonely sometimes? Absolutely, but it will never get so bad that I step outside of the plan that God has for me and other single women like me. Even with the guy that I have noticed, we are moving at a snail's pace and I have learned to be okay with that, because that's what it takes to guard my heart. That's what it takes for him to guard his heart as well as mine. There is no rush, there is no commitment, so there is no worry. And with this patience and God's own perfect timing, He is allowing little bits of insight into the heart and mind of this guy that I might not have discovered had I been hasty and disobedient. It is in this patience that I rely on my accountability to help keep me focused and prayerful about all things.

This isn't my natural course for doing things, but I think God is pleased with my efforts. I just wish more women were more diligent about safe guarding their precious hearts and not fixating on whether or not a guy likes her and going outside of God's will to capture some fleeting attention. I have been that girl too many times, have had my heart broken too many times, have been jealous, scorned, bitter and upset too many times to keep going down that same road. Maybe some people haven't been hurt enough to finally surrender and allow God to show them the way. I am thankful for my changed heart and changed ways. Hindsight is 20/20 but there is no reason to keep traveling down the path that has been traveled by so many before.

A Lesson in Patience

So I just had a total "A-HA" revelation that is leading me to feel a bit convicted. But in a good way because conviction is good. Last night, I was emailing a dear friend who had recently experienced a bad breakup. I decided to share with her the link to the Fusion relationship series called Naked. Yes, it was called Naked after the "naked and unashamed" scripture in Genesis. I started going to Fusion right when the series kicked off and I must admit, learning about courtship and doing relationship in a way that honor God has been some of the BEST relationship advice I have ever gotten. I am a huge promoter of courtship so I had to share with her some valuable info that can help her understand that she doesn't ever have to be in another dating relationship that can lead to yet another tear filled and heart wrenching breakup.

God decided to see fit to have me listen to the series last night at like 1:00 AM. Yes, I was up at 1:00 AM listening to a relationship sermon. I wasn't feeling lonely or thinking about the guy I have "noticed." I just felt compelled to listen again. It's funny because right before Fusion ended for the year in December, we had just wrapped up the Boy Meets Girl relationship series. Guess I needed a brief refresher course.

I listened to the first message last night and made it almost to the end before sleep got the best of me. I went to work with the Naked series still on my mind and listened to the second message: Courting v. Dating. The death match between God's way to be in a relationship and the world's way to be in a relationship. One of the main points Pastor Johnson listed in the differences between courtship and dating is the idea of the connection before the commitment. Often times in dating, the two people connect on such a strong emotional level so quickly, even before they have the infamous "where is this going?" talk. Spending hours on the phone pour out your life stories and deepest darkest secrets or spending all your time together creates this deep connection, feelings intensify, and hearts are left exposed. This all happens while the couple is just dating, just having fun, just kicking it. No commitment, no direction in the relationship, no purpose in the relationship, yet the connection is already established and hearts are intertwined. At some point in the very near future, someone, usually the girl, wants to know where the relationship is going. She quickly realizes that they are not on the same page and the break up happens and the heart break begins. She has bared her soul to someone that didn't think she was worthy enough to commit to. Sad.

In courting, there is commitment before the connection. When a guy and a girl decide that they have been given the green light from God to enter into courtship, they are committing to the idea that if the relationship keeps going in a positive direction, while honoring God, they WILL get married. The purpose of courtship is to get to know each other better, determine if they are both on the same path, knowing all the while that the relationship will lead to marriage. There are no awkward conversations because both people entering the relationship are already on the same page on the front end. They are committing to growing deeper in their relationship with each other and with God, while guarding each others hearts, respecting boundaries, holding each other accountable, allowing others to hold them accountable, remaining pure, honoring God, creating a vision and purpose for their relationship and eventual marriage. They are already committed to the idea of getting married well before they develop those deep connections. The connections are developed over the course of months, not in a matter of days or weeks like in dating.

Back to my revelation. So after listening to the message earlier today, I really didn't think much about relationships or courting. I went on about my day just like any other day. It wasn't until I was on my way to Barnes and Noble did it hit me. Commitment before connection. Commitment before connection. God was telling me I needed to be patient and wait for the commitment before trying to get the connection. I started to feel rather convicted because I knew I was handling a certain situation with a guy all wrong. I realized I was becoming more and more impatient with this guy because I wasn't getting the connection I was seeking and there was nothing even remotely close to a commitment. Keep in mind, there is no sexual or deep emotional entanglement between the two of us. Everything is still very surface and casual, which is probably why I am impatient. I'm not used to having to be patient and allow a guy to peel back the layers slowly. I'm used to dating, which says in the amount of time he and I have been having our random, sporadic conversations, we should be knee deep in some emotionally intimate mess that will probably end in a lot of tears because there was no commitment before the butterflies wore off.

God is telling me to be patient. There is no rush. Allow this guy to lead, even if its just in this friend stage. Allow him to slowly peel back his layers and inquire about my life. Guard my heart and remain prayerful about whether or not this is even a path God wants me to take. I prayed about my error in judgement and asked for forgiveness for being impatient and trying to do things my way. I am thankful for conviction because conviction leads to repentance which leads to forgiveness. My Father is amazing and all knowing. He definitely knows the desires of my heart because I remind Him often. He is jealous for me and wants His absolute best for me. He is still waiting on me to trust Him completely which I am working on. He is patient and loving and doesn't mind letting me stumble a bit along the way. Luckily, He is always right there beside me to catch me if I fall.