Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I am a 29 year old virgin. LOL. Well okay, not a virgin in the traditional sense, especially since I have 2 kids. But in my mind I am a virgin again. As of December 28, 2010, I officially have not had sex in 1 year. Willingly not had sex in 1 year. Yes, I made a vow to myself not to have sex anymore until I was married. That vow was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.

Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.

So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.

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