Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mommy AND Daddy Issues

God is working on me as always. Lately, I have been getting calls from my dad at all times of the day. All go unanswered. My dad was absent during 98 percent of my life growing up so we have no relationship. He was around for about a year when I was a freshman in high school but by then, it was kinda hard to have that daddy/daughter connection. It was more like this strange man in our house trying to have a strained conversation about my day. Mix in chronic alcoholism and my lack of acknowledgement for his existence up to this point and you can see why his calls go unanswered. My mother mentioned to me the other day that he had been trying to reach me but that was brushed off with little affect on my desire to connect with him.

My mother and I don't have the best relationship either. Looking back on my life growing up, we didn't have that magical mother/daughter connection either. My siblings and I were raised mainly by my grand and great grandmothers. My mom worked a lot and my over protective grandparents felt we would be better off with them where we were guaranteed a consistent string of hot meals and beds to sleep in. 5 kids by 25 made her a bit irresponsible and laced with her own insecurities and personal struggles. She did not set boundaries with us even though we were not wild kids that need micromanaging. She did not instill worth and affirmation in me so I naturally sought it in other places. Dad never showed me how to be respected by boys and to know that I was a precious commodity so I dealt with emotions and heartbreak as best I could.

Last night as my friend and I were leaving dinner, she began to ask me about my relationship with my mother and father. I answered them very nonchalantly yet honestly all while screaming on the inside. God had been tugging at my heart about my dad during the day and I felt like He was speaking through her about my relationship with my parents.

I have Mommy and Daddy issues. Sigh...

God has an interesting way of reminding us that He knows when we have been healed from issues in our past and when we just ignore them altogether and accept that as healing. The latter has been my case with a lot of things and since He has me in this preparation stage, I guess He sees fit to have me deal with things that really are never on my radar. I am rather indifferent towards both my parents and feel absolutely weird when I talk to them over the phone. Yet, deep down, I know there is a longing for a connection with them that the little girl inside of me wishes I had. I know friends that talk to their mothers everyday about anything, yet I avoid my mother's phone calls. I have friends that talk about their fathers with such respect and admiration and that just seems like a foreign concept to me. It gets overwhelming sometimes because it makes me think that are large chucks in my personality and decision making that is not quite balanced because I didn't have those key figures being up front and center during critical times in my life. I still remember meeting a guy some years back that I liked that said he could never marry someone who didn't grow up in a two parent house hold like he did.

Think I have been feeling a little inadequate since then. Words are very powerful. Think me and God are gonna have a field day at the end of the month since I am taking Ancient Paths 2. Finally have some junk for him to bring to the light.

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