Tonight, I had one of my regular conversations with my friend Kisha. She updated me on the marital problems of her god-sister and I was hoping for good news. Her god-sister and husband had been having some difficulties this year and my heart always aches for Christian couples that are struggling to find their way back to the happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, this latest update included an unexpected baby due to the husband's infidelity. Though they were working on getting past the affair, neither knew that the birth of a baby would be added into the mix. I have never met this woman but I sincerely admire her. She is a Christian wife and she takes her vows seriously. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. Through sickness and in health. This couple, married 11 years, have been through all of the above.
I kept asking myself, "What would I do if I were this wife?" Being a single person, it's hard to think about having to deal with something like that in a marriage that hasn't even happened. But, it makes me wonder if that's something that should be looming in the back of my mind. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity happens everyday. For this couple, infidelity has been a spirit that they carried around for years, lying dormant, and it has found a season to rear its deceitful head.
Stories like this and many others that I have heard or seen first hand from friends is enough to make me completely jaded and fearful of marriage. Infidelity is real. Even Christian couples are not immune to devastation like this. But at the end of the day, both the husband and wife have a choice. They have a choice to honor their vows and commitment to each other and God. They have a choice to deal with problems head on and not let them grow out of control. They have a choice to respect each other and their marriage. They have a choice to flee from temptation. They have a choice to be diligent and intentional about keeping God and His word in the center of their marriage. They have a choice to cherish the good times and fight through the rough patches. They have a choice.
I hate when issues like this cause me to feel weary of this amazing thing called marriage but I am human. Thankfully, God gave me a little heads up in the form of a YouTube clip to remind me that true love and devotion does still exist. It's funny that during my conversation with Kisha, I was trying to watch this clip but held off until I could give it my undivided attention. I was so distracted that I was certain I was gonna forget about the clip and probably never see it. Glad I did because it was just the spark of hope that I needed to be reminded that there are still magical love stories that God Himself pens. This is the story of Danny and Annie from Brooklyn, NY. This is by far the most inspiration and touching story of everlasting love that I have ever seen.
Enjoy
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hardest Thing I've Ever Done
I am a 29 year old virgin. LOL. Well okay, not a virgin in the traditional sense, especially since I have 2 kids. But in my mind I am a virgin again. As of December 28, 2010, I officially have not had sex in 1 year. Willingly not had sex in 1 year. Yes, I made a vow to myself not to have sex anymore until I was married. That vow was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.
I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.
Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.
So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.
I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.
Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.
So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.
Monday, December 27, 2010
My New Year's Goals
Every year, people make New Year's resolutions. Every year people break their resolutions almost as soon as they are made. I had every intention of making the same resolutions I make every year and like always, probably break them by the 2nd week in January. Yet, as I was contemplating which lifestyle changes I was going to under take in 2011, I got the strangest feeling that I needed to make some goals instead of resolutions. Both are kinda the same concept but goals require planning and action. It will require some vision casting, prayer, and decision making.
What do I want to accomplish in 2011? What do I want my year to look like? What direction is God pulling me in? What amazing things do I want say I did? I have been very excited about 2011 for some reason. Not because I need a do over from 2010 but because I sincerely think that 2011 is the year of change, shifting, molding, stretching, and breaking out of my comfort zone. In order to do all these magnificent things, I need a plan. I need a starting point, something to strive for.
There are a lot of things that I have wanted to do but have limited myself for various reason. Lack of money, lack of motivation, fear, you name it. But as much as I pray to God for boldness, none of these lame excuses should be a deterrent from living my life abundantly and fearlessly. I've decided to jot down all the things I have wanted to do (within reason of course) and let those be my goals for 2011. This should be very interesting.
Creativity
1. Keep a plant alive
2. Cook through the Pioneer Woman blog
3. Learn to sew
4. Write at least one blog on sex trafficking for Change.org
5. Update my personal blog at least twice a week
6. Do one random act of kindness every week
7. Decorate every room in my house.
Health and Beauty
1. Lose 40lbs.
2. Create a weekly meal plan for me and the boys.
3. Do the 28 day beauty challenge and wear some kind of makeup every day for 30 days.
4. Try a new hair style once a month
5. Treat myself to a new article of clothing or shoes periodically and not feel guilty about it.
6. Be able to walk up Brasstown Bald Mountain and Stone Mountain without feeling like I am going to die.
Experience
1. Travel to Peru with the Fusion mission team
2. Learn the fundamentals of at least one pro sport
3. Attend one pro basketball, baseball and football game
4. Go to one concert this year
5. Take a plane ride
6. Get a tattoo
7. Go to the Cabbage Patch Hospital in Cleveland, GA
8. Spend a weekend in the mountains in cabin
9. Travel to Washington DC and New York City
10. Go ice skating.
11. Try AUTHENTIC dishes from at least 5 different countries.
Knowledge/Skills
1. Learn Spanish
2. Learn to change a tire
3. Refurbish a piece of furniture
Money
1. Create and stick to a budget
2. Consistently tithe 10% of my income to the church
3. Consistently put 10% of my income into savings
4. Pay off at least 50% of my debt
5. Take Crown and Financial Peace at Victory
Reading
1. Read the entire Bible courtesy of the One Year Bible
2. Read Ragmuffin Gospel and Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
3. Read Crazy Love by Franis Chan
4. Read The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
5. Read When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson
6. Finish reading Captivating
Spiritual Well being
1. Take Ancient Paths at Victory.
2. Take the Relating or Dating Seminar at Victory
3. Read one devotional everyday
4. Do at least 3 outreaches this year
5. Solidify my accountability partners and schedule regular check up meetings
6. Successfully apprentice a small group
7. Create boundaries with people
8. Write a letter to Jesus each quarter
9. Maintain a prayer journal
10. Commit to a day of total fasting and prayer each month
Social and Family Responsibility
1. Take the boys on a proper vacation
2. Schedule at least 1 movie night a week
3. Schedule 1 family outing a month
4. Spend at least 2 weekends in Mississippi
5. Call my siblings, mother, grandmother, and aunt at least once a week
6. Write one letter a month to friends that live out of state.
7. Send birthday and holiday cards to friends and family this year
8. Take professional pictures with the boys
After looking at this list, it looks pretty extensive and I do believe it is subject to change. But this is the result of about 3 hours of hard thought and concentration. To me, these are small life changes and goals. It's very rewarding to look back at the year and realize you have actually done something. Something that you can measure, something that you can check off your list. Even if I don't accomplish everything on the list, just knowing I had a fun year trying is well worth it. Bring it on 2011.
To be continued...
What do I want to accomplish in 2011? What do I want my year to look like? What direction is God pulling me in? What amazing things do I want say I did? I have been very excited about 2011 for some reason. Not because I need a do over from 2010 but because I sincerely think that 2011 is the year of change, shifting, molding, stretching, and breaking out of my comfort zone. In order to do all these magnificent things, I need a plan. I need a starting point, something to strive for.
There are a lot of things that I have wanted to do but have limited myself for various reason. Lack of money, lack of motivation, fear, you name it. But as much as I pray to God for boldness, none of these lame excuses should be a deterrent from living my life abundantly and fearlessly. I've decided to jot down all the things I have wanted to do (within reason of course) and let those be my goals for 2011. This should be very interesting.
Creativity
1. Keep a plant alive
2. Cook through the Pioneer Woman blog
3. Learn to sew
4. Write at least one blog on sex trafficking for Change.org
5. Update my personal blog at least twice a week
6. Do one random act of kindness every week
7. Decorate every room in my house.
Health and Beauty
1. Lose 40lbs.
2. Create a weekly meal plan for me and the boys.
3. Do the 28 day beauty challenge and wear some kind of makeup every day for 30 days.
4. Try a new hair style once a month
5. Treat myself to a new article of clothing or shoes periodically and not feel guilty about it.
6. Be able to walk up Brasstown Bald Mountain and Stone Mountain without feeling like I am going to die.
Experience
1. Travel to Peru with the Fusion mission team
2. Learn the fundamentals of at least one pro sport
3. Attend one pro basketball, baseball and football game
4. Go to one concert this year
5. Take a plane ride
6. Get a tattoo
7. Go to the Cabbage Patch Hospital in Cleveland, GA
8. Spend a weekend in the mountains in cabin
9. Travel to Washington DC and New York City
10. Go ice skating.
11. Try AUTHENTIC dishes from at least 5 different countries.
Knowledge/Skills
1. Learn Spanish
2. Learn to change a tire
3. Refurbish a piece of furniture
Money
1. Create and stick to a budget
2. Consistently tithe 10% of my income to the church
3. Consistently put 10% of my income into savings
4. Pay off at least 50% of my debt
5. Take Crown and Financial Peace at Victory
Reading
1. Read the entire Bible courtesy of the One Year Bible
2. Read Ragmuffin Gospel and Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
3. Read Crazy Love by Franis Chan
4. Read The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
5. Read When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson
6. Finish reading Captivating
Spiritual Well being
1. Take Ancient Paths at Victory.
2. Take the Relating or Dating Seminar at Victory
3. Read one devotional everyday
4. Do at least 3 outreaches this year
5. Solidify my accountability partners and schedule regular check up meetings
6. Successfully apprentice a small group
7. Create boundaries with people
8. Write a letter to Jesus each quarter
9. Maintain a prayer journal
10. Commit to a day of total fasting and prayer each month
Social and Family Responsibility
1. Take the boys on a proper vacation
2. Schedule at least 1 movie night a week
3. Schedule 1 family outing a month
4. Spend at least 2 weekends in Mississippi
5. Call my siblings, mother, grandmother, and aunt at least once a week
6. Write one letter a month to friends that live out of state.
7. Send birthday and holiday cards to friends and family this year
8. Take professional pictures with the boys
After looking at this list, it looks pretty extensive and I do believe it is subject to change. But this is the result of about 3 hours of hard thought and concentration. To me, these are small life changes and goals. It's very rewarding to look back at the year and realize you have actually done something. Something that you can measure, something that you can check off your list. Even if I don't accomplish everything on the list, just knowing I had a fun year trying is well worth it. Bring it on 2011.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Celebrate Jesus
It has been quite a crazy couple of weeks since I last posted because I have been crazy busy. I decided to take on a donation drive for Wellspring Living, a local non profit that helps former sex trafficking victims get the help they need. I thought of this earlier in the year but never did anything with it. After seeing The Candy Shop documentary, I was compelled to do something, anything.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Lesson Learned
Tonight, I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that I may not be as great a friend as I think I am. One slight totally joking comment turned the course of a conversation with my best friend, opening the flood gates and releasing a lot of pent up frustration and anger. I had offended her and didn't even realize it until it was too late, but I am totally glad she checked me.
Proverbs 12:1 says "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." Tonight, I had to be corrected. I had to be corrected for the way I had been treating my dear friend and approaching her about areas of her life. I believe at some point, I strayed away from being supportive to being more realistic and harsh and critical. Though I feel I had my reasons for being that way with her, rarely is there a good reason to hurt someone. I can't even say I was totally oblivious to some of the things I have said. There have been times when something came out of my mouth that I wish I could take back. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Despite it all, I saw how my words hurt and my new found busy life and lack of time for her has made her feel. She deserves my attention and support just like the other people I surround myself with. Even though I always see her as one of my strongest friends who can always weather the storms of life, she is human and emotional just like I am. Though she can be tough as nails, she wears her heart on her sleeve. She needs to be inspired and motivated just like everyone else. She needs to be encouraged and praised. She needs a friend that will give her the honest truth but also a dose of kind heartedness too. Truth be told, I enjoy the fact that I don't have to hold her hand through every crisis like I do some people, but I also lost sight of the fact that sometimes she does need her hand held.
Our friendship has lasted longer than any other friendship I've ever had. Distance has separated us physically but never severed our bond. I have often been envious of her freedom, her light heartedness, her boldness, her drive. However, my heart breaks when she is sad, disappointed, gotten her heartbroken, anything that causes her to frown. I always wish I can shield her from the evils of this world and introduce her to the new life that I have found. A new life where she knows her worth is already established in the eyes of Christ and commands the respect and love that she deserves. A new life where sadness and pain are cast off on her Savior and blessings flow abundantly. A new life full of promise, purpose, hope, love, joy, freedom, blessings, everything she deserves and more.
I will stand corrected tonight and continue to pray for her heart to be made whole again and for her to have that life changing Christ encounter where she shakes off the old and embraces her new life. Everyone has their turning point in life and my journey is not hers. But I can still be a good friend that is supportive, encouraging and a living letter for Christ.
Proverbs 12:1 says "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." Tonight, I had to be corrected. I had to be corrected for the way I had been treating my dear friend and approaching her about areas of her life. I believe at some point, I strayed away from being supportive to being more realistic and harsh and critical. Though I feel I had my reasons for being that way with her, rarely is there a good reason to hurt someone. I can't even say I was totally oblivious to some of the things I have said. There have been times when something came out of my mouth that I wish I could take back. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Despite it all, I saw how my words hurt and my new found busy life and lack of time for her has made her feel. She deserves my attention and support just like the other people I surround myself with. Even though I always see her as one of my strongest friends who can always weather the storms of life, she is human and emotional just like I am. Though she can be tough as nails, she wears her heart on her sleeve. She needs to be inspired and motivated just like everyone else. She needs to be encouraged and praised. She needs a friend that will give her the honest truth but also a dose of kind heartedness too. Truth be told, I enjoy the fact that I don't have to hold her hand through every crisis like I do some people, but I also lost sight of the fact that sometimes she does need her hand held.
Our friendship has lasted longer than any other friendship I've ever had. Distance has separated us physically but never severed our bond. I have often been envious of her freedom, her light heartedness, her boldness, her drive. However, my heart breaks when she is sad, disappointed, gotten her heartbroken, anything that causes her to frown. I always wish I can shield her from the evils of this world and introduce her to the new life that I have found. A new life where she knows her worth is already established in the eyes of Christ and commands the respect and love that she deserves. A new life where sadness and pain are cast off on her Savior and blessings flow abundantly. A new life full of promise, purpose, hope, love, joy, freedom, blessings, everything she deserves and more.
I will stand corrected tonight and continue to pray for her heart to be made whole again and for her to have that life changing Christ encounter where she shakes off the old and embraces her new life. Everyone has their turning point in life and my journey is not hers. But I can still be a good friend that is supportive, encouraging and a living letter for Christ.
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