Christina and I made and failed at our cleverly devised plan to try to make it to work this morning. Unfortunately Gwinnett County Police decided to block my street and part of her street so there was no way she could reach me or even make it to the interstate herself. Tried but failed.
So here I am. Day 3 of Snow Storm 2011. Day 5 of the fast. I do admit in a fit of rebellion, I made pancakes and eggs and had coffee with milk. Totally broke my fast and felt like crap afterwards. I am usually good about keeping to my fasts. I stuck with it last year for the 21 days and when I fasted for 3 days with Veronica. I usually try to be obedient and diligent when making commitments to God but this time, I totally flaked. I wanted to rebel because I kept telling myself my heart wasn't in it. I am not sure if that was totally true but part of me wanted to give in. Not sure why but even in my rebellion, God still saw fit to reveal the hurt behind my rebellion.
I am so far from having it all together, it's almost laughable. Most days I am good. Honestly. But behind it all, I know I am falling short of where I want to be and where God is calling me to be. I am my own worst enemy and I stand in my own way more than anyone or anything else. I have learned to conquer things with mind over matter, faith and prayer, but just like any other living, breathing, and honest Christian, there are times when we don't completely trust God and allow Him to really be my everything. Sounds good when we say it, but we really are fooling ourselves.
I know my words sound a bit taboo for someone who professes to be a follower of Christ but I have learned that people prefer honesty over sugar coated lies. So me saying I am a rebellious kid who hasn't prayed, hasn't cracked open the Bible, or hasn't heard a worship song in 3 days may come as a shock. I am going through one of my impatient, I can't see the bigger picture, temper tantrums right now. And you know what? It's okay. Seriously, it's okay because My Father gets me. If I could see Him in His earthly form, He would be standing in the corner of my room, tapping His foot saying "Seriously, get it together. I'm right here, not going anywhere, waiting on you to let go and come to me." He and I are in a tug of war match and I am rather stubborn, not ready to let go of the rope and fall flat on my face. I'm not ready. But I know I need to hit the ground. And that's okay too.
I asked Him to peel back the layers and expose any areas of my heart that needs mending. I asked for that and now I am a little afraid of what I might find. So I am grinding my feet in sand and closing my eyes, but my resolve is starting to weaken. My convictions for breaking my fast were evident, my emotional state yesterday got the best of me and I know there is more to come. I can only hold on for so long before My Father, in His ever loving way, forces me to get it together and stop being a whiny brat. He knows me so well, flaws and all, yet He loves and delights in me anyway.
"He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." Yeah, He does....
Showing posts with label fasting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fasting. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Peeling Back The Layers
I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Kinda like mini anxiety attacks coming on. Not cabin fever though I would like to place the blame there. More like God is peeling back some of my layers that I like to leave right where they are. Truth and transparency time.
This is one of those days where I am feeling all girly and emotional. For some reason I got a little choked up watching a TV show (The Game) and it's weird because I have seen those very episodes before. Something about the crazy relationships and breakups and unexpected pregnancy just stings a bit. I've been Melanie and Janay and Tasha. The girl in love with the idea of love, the girl carrying the child that wasn't in the plan, the single mom who tries her best not to let anyone get too close and not wear her heart on her sleeve. Though just characters on the small screen, they are all pieces of me. I can admit that.
Just the other day, I was mentioning to a friend who is dealing with a break up, that it's okay to hurt and to be honest with God about how she feels. I'm finding myself having to be honest with myself and admit out loud some of these feeling that I have that I try my best to hide or bury under the mound of distractions I create. I figured if I am busy enough, I don't have to worry about the little nuisances like feelings. If I am busy enough, I don't have to think about the twinge of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of thinking I don't always measure up, fear of the unknown.
2 Timothy 1:7 says that "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's interesting what a fast will reveal and even more interesting how the enemy will bombard you when attempting to draw near to Christ. For a couple of days now, I have been in this crazy fog so a breakthrough was very much needed. Peeling back the layers one day at a time.
This is one of those days where I am feeling all girly and emotional. For some reason I got a little choked up watching a TV show (The Game) and it's weird because I have seen those very episodes before. Something about the crazy relationships and breakups and unexpected pregnancy just stings a bit. I've been Melanie and Janay and Tasha. The girl in love with the idea of love, the girl carrying the child that wasn't in the plan, the single mom who tries her best not to let anyone get too close and not wear her heart on her sleeve. Though just characters on the small screen, they are all pieces of me. I can admit that.
Just the other day, I was mentioning to a friend who is dealing with a break up, that it's okay to hurt and to be honest with God about how she feels. I'm finding myself having to be honest with myself and admit out loud some of these feeling that I have that I try my best to hide or bury under the mound of distractions I create. I figured if I am busy enough, I don't have to worry about the little nuisances like feelings. If I am busy enough, I don't have to think about the twinge of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of thinking I don't always measure up, fear of the unknown.
2 Timothy 1:7 says that "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's interesting what a fast will reveal and even more interesting how the enemy will bombard you when attempting to draw near to Christ. For a couple of days now, I have been in this crazy fog so a breakthrough was very much needed. Peeling back the layers one day at a time.
Snowed In
Today is Tuesday, January 11, 2011. 1/11/11. More like Snow Storm 2011. The city is under a blanket of snow and ice and my office has been closed for 2 days. I am staring at about 5 inches of snow that has covered my front and back yard that is now coated with a layer of ice. I let the kids play outside while I watched from the warmth of the living room. Being home for all these days during the fast, you would think I am immersed in the presence of God, studying the word and in prayer. But I'm not. For some reason, my heart is not in this fast.
I was very excited to do the fast, excited about the revelations and breakthroughs God was going to provide. But I can't focus. I can't get motivated to read my Bible or to even spend some real time in prayer. I think I am spending more time complaining and worry about random things than being thankful for what I have and where I am. It's weird and rather frustrating. I feel like I am not pleasing God, like I am disappointing my Dad.
I am having a bit of cabin fever after being snowed in for 2 days and the distractions of having the kids running around, trying to juggle my own stuff, and craving meat and dairy just isn't helping.
In need of a breakthrough.
I was very excited to do the fast, excited about the revelations and breakthroughs God was going to provide. But I can't focus. I can't get motivated to read my Bible or to even spend some real time in prayer. I think I am spending more time complaining and worry about random things than being thankful for what I have and where I am. It's weird and rather frustrating. I feel like I am not pleasing God, like I am disappointing my Dad.
I am having a bit of cabin fever after being snowed in for 2 days and the distractions of having the kids running around, trying to juggle my own stuff, and craving meat and dairy just isn't helping.
In need of a breakthrough.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Fasting and Prayer
It's that time again. On January 8, 2011, my church will be starting our yearly 21 days of fasting and prayer. Last year was my first year participating in the fast and it ended up not being as hard as I thought it would be. Fasting isn't an easy task and it's not supposed to be. It's a purposeful sacrifice to draw closer to God and to detox from all the physical and spiritual junk we have filling our bodies and souls. Prayer and fasting truly works! I still remember hearing God's voice speak to me as clear as day driving home one day. He reminded me that "he (Ryan) will grow up." Totally freaked me out but that just shows the power and wonder in being obedient and spending some time denying our flesh and being in the presence of our Father.
There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible about fasting and prayer but the one that speaks to most to me is Matthew 17:17-21. It's the passage about Jesus casting the demon out of the little boy and His disciples wondered why they couldn't cast out the demon as well.
Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you? Bring him here to Me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.
Jesus was very clear that nothing is impossible but some things require fasting and prayer. Some desires and knowledge require us to draw closer to God so that we can be free from distractions and open to hear His voice. It gets harder to hear the response to prayers when we have distractions, sin, fleshly desires and all kind of other crap clogging up the filter we need to discern from God's voice and our own voice.
Prayer is always an important staple in our lives as Christians but if you're like me, most days I wonder if He even hears me. Yes, He has heard and come through on countless prayers, but sometimes I wonder if He really hears me. There are somethings that I am still waiting on some sort of response, denial, confirmation, signs and wonder, but to no avail. God on mute again. There are a lot of things on my prayer list right about now so this fast is right on time. I ran across this devotional in my Bible that made a light bulb go off in my head.
The book of Hebrew chapter 11 talks about great examples of faith. Hebrew 11:6 states that "And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." I found the answer to my God on mute problem. I haven't always had faith that God will come through on the prayers that I send up to Him. Without faith, it's like my prayers fall on deaf ears. Makes perfect sense.
I have realized that I sometimes wonder if I am praying correctly. I know I don't sound anything like some of the more "seasoned prayer warriors" that I know but there is no format to follow. But there are some instructions that one must follow when it comes to prayer.
1. We must come in faith, believing that there is a God who will hear us and reward us. (Hebrew 11:6)
2. We must willingly let God examine our heart(Psalm 139:23-24), confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and then repent (Acts 3:19).
3. We can pray even if we feel that our faith is small (Matthew 17:20).
4. We must consider if there are any of our relationships that need mending. Then we need to go and try to make them right (Matthew 5:23-24)
5. We must come to prayer by asking in Jesus' name and for his sake. We can ask ourselves, Will the answer to this prayer honor Jesus' name? Will it glorify and extend the work of the Kingdom? (John 14:13).
This is going to be an interesting fasting and prayer season. This year is gearing up to be great and full of hope, promise, and purpose. I am looking forward to hearing instructions and direction from God, getting clarity on various areas of my life that needs a bit of fine tuning, etc. This is going to be a good year. Change starts now.
There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible about fasting and prayer but the one that speaks to most to me is Matthew 17:17-21. It's the passage about Jesus casting the demon out of the little boy and His disciples wondered why they couldn't cast out the demon as well.
Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you? Bring him here to Me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.
Jesus was very clear that nothing is impossible but some things require fasting and prayer. Some desires and knowledge require us to draw closer to God so that we can be free from distractions and open to hear His voice. It gets harder to hear the response to prayers when we have distractions, sin, fleshly desires and all kind of other crap clogging up the filter we need to discern from God's voice and our own voice.
Prayer is always an important staple in our lives as Christians but if you're like me, most days I wonder if He even hears me. Yes, He has heard and come through on countless prayers, but sometimes I wonder if He really hears me. There are somethings that I am still waiting on some sort of response, denial, confirmation, signs and wonder, but to no avail. God on mute again. There are a lot of things on my prayer list right about now so this fast is right on time. I ran across this devotional in my Bible that made a light bulb go off in my head.
The book of Hebrew chapter 11 talks about great examples of faith. Hebrew 11:6 states that "And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." I found the answer to my God on mute problem. I haven't always had faith that God will come through on the prayers that I send up to Him. Without faith, it's like my prayers fall on deaf ears. Makes perfect sense.
I have realized that I sometimes wonder if I am praying correctly. I know I don't sound anything like some of the more "seasoned prayer warriors" that I know but there is no format to follow. But there are some instructions that one must follow when it comes to prayer.
1. We must come in faith, believing that there is a God who will hear us and reward us. (Hebrew 11:6)
2. We must willingly let God examine our heart(Psalm 139:23-24), confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and then repent (Acts 3:19).
3. We can pray even if we feel that our faith is small (Matthew 17:20).
4. We must consider if there are any of our relationships that need mending. Then we need to go and try to make them right (Matthew 5:23-24)
5. We must come to prayer by asking in Jesus' name and for his sake. We can ask ourselves, Will the answer to this prayer honor Jesus' name? Will it glorify and extend the work of the Kingdom? (John 14:13).
This is going to be an interesting fasting and prayer season. This year is gearing up to be great and full of hope, promise, and purpose. I am looking forward to hearing instructions and direction from God, getting clarity on various areas of my life that needs a bit of fine tuning, etc. This is going to be a good year. Change starts now.
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