Think Before You Leap

I was listening to one of the local popular morning radio shows this morning on the way to work. I usually have a CD playing or riding in silence (my only bit of quiet time in my hectic days) so it must have been a fluke that I was listening.

Anyway, the show brought a listener into the studio to get some feedback on her current marital situation. I didn't catch the begining but was able to figure out what this poor newlywed bride Joanne was going through with her husband Jason. Her husband is currently in New York training and interviewing for jobs in the investment banking field. Joanne is still in Atlanta alone. Due to the high demands of his training, he often goes days without talking with Joanne. This is their first year of marriage so to be separated and lacking communication is adding stress to their situation.

To make matters worse, once he secures a job, they will be moving to New York for about 3-5 years where they have no friends or family. Jason is former military and Joanne admitted that her fear of having to be separated from him due to deployment prompted him to leave that career behind, go back to school for finance and enter a more lucrative career in investment banking. Joanne also admitted that as loving and wonderful as her husband is, he does have a pattern of putting military, school, and now investment banking first above her feelings. What stuck out to me the most was when she tearful said that she finally realized she married her father. Her father worked so much that he missed her growing up and that's never what she wanted in a husband.

Heartbreaking.

I love the institution of marriage and all that it stands for in the eyes of God. It saddens me when people get married and on the other side of "I Do" they realize they are on different pages about a lot of things. Some of the best marriage advice I have ever gotten was from a married friend of mine that said being married doesn't fix your problems, it only amplifies them. Joanne is realizing that she got married knowing that her husband puts career first. She was silent in making her need to know that she is the main priority out of fear of sounding insecure and ungrateful. To Jason, getting a great job as an investment banker would allow his wife to never have to work again while Joanne would rather both make less money and still have her husband home for dinner every night. She has insecurities that stem from her workaholic father that she never dealt with as an adult. In turn, her husband is now suffering for damage done years ago.

This all reminds me of why Pastor Johnson stresses the importance of courting with a purpose. Both people need to be on the same path, heading in the same direction. If she wants to be a missionary in China while he wants to be a teacher in Montana, clearly there are going to have to be some compromises made or it won't work. Joanne wants her husband present and accounted for while his main focus is providing for his family despite the sacrifices. I understand that life happens, circumstances change, and the vision may need to be tweaked at some point. Yet, somethings should be dealt with (insecurities, past hurts, priorities) should be addressed before the vows are exchanged. Marriage is tough enough as it is.

It's easier to just think about what you are getting yourself into before you leap into something that you didn't plan for. Woman make the mistake of hoping marriage makes to red flags we tried to ignore while dating, go away for good. It doesn't. I have seen too many of my married friends bring baggage to the feet of their new wives or husbands expecting them to clean up the mess someone else made. God gives us wisdom and discernment for a reason. He speaks to us even when we are too stubborn to listen to Him warn of us of pending danger. He allows us to make mistakes that He would have rather we didn't, all for the sake of us leaning on Him to pull us out of our own pit of dispair.

Think before you leap. Marriage is a lasting covenant. Don't bring extra baggage along for the ride.

Buffet Style God

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about various temptations that people face, namely sexual temptation. I am human just like the next girl and I am not immune to temptation so of course the topic of sex is one of those things that come up with me from time to time. Sex is every where so there really is no escaping it. I don't watch TV very often and when I do find the time to watch TV, I usually stick with The Food Network or HGTV. I'm not one of those head in the sand Christians but I do know where to draw the line so I am not having to deal with temptations that can certainly be avoided.

In chatting with my friend, the topic of sin came up and I asked his thoughts on pre-martial sex. We had this conversation before but I realize he never really said whether he is for or against it.

Turns out he is on the fence about it. Aren't most people when it comes to something that we enjoy?

I wasn't disappointed in his response because lately, I have been on the fence about it too. Not on the fence about whether it is right or wrong because it is wrong. More on the fence about why its wrong. I know the Bible says its wrong but in my head, I was allowing my own fleshly rationalization to take over. I asked God to seriously do work on my thoughts because I couldn't do it on my own.

And He did. With this very conversation.

I asked my friend is it OK to pick and choose what sins we choose to refrain from and what we choose to indulge in. Christians today tend to treat the Bible like a buffet. They pick out what suits them and leave the rest. We won't commit murder or steal but we will have sex. Sex is OK, its acceptable, its the norm, it feels good.

Does God pick and choose what He will forgive us for since we pick and chose what parts of the Bible we will obey and what we wont? Did Jesus die on the cross to redeem us from most of our sins, but not the really bad ones? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

I choose to abstain from sex until I am married because I know the consequences of doing so. Also because the Bible says so. I figured if I am going to say I follow Christ, I might as well go at it whole heartedly and not half way. My life is its own testimony of the amazing power of God so if He can rescue me from my own pit of despair, surely I can honor Him and His commandments because not doing that is what got me in trouble in the first place.

The Bible is real. It's God's word, His written truth for us to take as the absolute truth. Sure there are plenty of things that we may not agree with like not having sex before marriage but it pleases Him for us to still honor Him and His commands. Being a follower of Christ doesn't mean life will be easy and there are certainly lots of things that we would rather still do before we came to Him for forgiveness. But at the end of the day, we were forgiven for ALL of our sins because our God is not a buffet style, I will take this but leave that kinda God. We shouldn't be that way either.

How Many...

A question has been in the back of my mind for days now. A question that is making me take a hard look at my life as well as my spiritual life. "How many people am I sending to Hell because I didn't share my faith with them?" How many? If I think about all the people I encounter in a day, seven days a week, it adds up to be a lot. People that I pass in the street, at work, at my kid's school, in the grocery store, at the bank, in a restaurant, everywhere. Opportunities to share the Gospel that I pass up on a daily basis. Yeah, I know people have to atone for their own sin but if I am not sharing with them the power of forgiveness, grace, and redemption that Jesus provides, I might as well be pushing them into the Lake of Fire myself.

I am realizing I am not that good of a disciple as I thought I was.

I have found myself stuck in a rut of lukewarmness and complacency. Sure, I talk about Jesus and all the amazing things happening in my life but I tell those things to my circle of friends. I put it on Facebook for the random masses to see, but I don't share it with people that I KNOW are far from Christ. I know most days I am not always diligently seeking Him, yet the moment I am in need, I call on Him. I have developed a rather unfair relationship with my Savior. He is always there, unchanging, just waiting anxiously to pour out His blessings over me, but I treat Him like an after thought, a get out of jail free card. I have become comfortable in my regular ways that don't always glorify God or bring people to the Kingdom of Heaven.

But why? How did I get to this place?

Just like the breakdown of any relationship, it isn't one event that happened that put me in the place I am in. It's a series of events or incidents that got me here. Unfortunately, since God never changes His ways, the blame is on me. I stopped making Him my first thoughts. I stopped being diligent and intentional about seeking Him. I slacked up in my prayer time. I stopped expecting Him to do amazing things in my life because I began to get consumed with trivial things around me. I started to let my faith wane because I began to focus more on my own wants and desires than God's will for me. I stopped having that crazy hunger for His presence and His living word. I became regular, average, lukewarm, conformed.

God's timing in perfect...like for real. I have been aware of my present state of mind for a while now, but never really knew what to do about it. But God decided to show me what to do. Fusion kicked back off last week with a new series called unNormal. Basically stepping out of our comfort zone and being radical for Christ. This past Sunday Pastor D talked about making our desire to share our faith with others an urgent matter. This past Wednesday at our monthly leadership meeting after Fusion, Pastor Johnson gave all of us leaders a book to read to help strengthen us. The is called Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From The American Dream by David Platt. I haven't even opened the book yet, but I know it going to challenge my thinking and push me out of my comfort zone.

I need that. For real. I want to be radical. I want to be unNormal.

"How many people am I sending to Hell because I didn't share my faith with them?" Think about it.

Mommy AND Daddy Issues

God is working on me as always. Lately, I have been getting calls from my dad at all times of the day. All go unanswered. My dad was absent during 98 percent of my life growing up so we have no relationship. He was around for about a year when I was a freshman in high school but by then, it was kinda hard to have that daddy/daughter connection. It was more like this strange man in our house trying to have a strained conversation about my day. Mix in chronic alcoholism and my lack of acknowledgement for his existence up to this point and you can see why his calls go unanswered. My mother mentioned to me the other day that he had been trying to reach me but that was brushed off with little affect on my desire to connect with him.

My mother and I don't have the best relationship either. Looking back on my life growing up, we didn't have that magical mother/daughter connection either. My siblings and I were raised mainly by my grand and great grandmothers. My mom worked a lot and my over protective grandparents felt we would be better off with them where we were guaranteed a consistent string of hot meals and beds to sleep in. 5 kids by 25 made her a bit irresponsible and laced with her own insecurities and personal struggles. She did not set boundaries with us even though we were not wild kids that need micromanaging. She did not instill worth and affirmation in me so I naturally sought it in other places. Dad never showed me how to be respected by boys and to know that I was a precious commodity so I dealt with emotions and heartbreak as best I could.

Last night as my friend and I were leaving dinner, she began to ask me about my relationship with my mother and father. I answered them very nonchalantly yet honestly all while screaming on the inside. God had been tugging at my heart about my dad during the day and I felt like He was speaking through her about my relationship with my parents.

I have Mommy and Daddy issues. Sigh...

God has an interesting way of reminding us that He knows when we have been healed from issues in our past and when we just ignore them altogether and accept that as healing. The latter has been my case with a lot of things and since He has me in this preparation stage, I guess He sees fit to have me deal with things that really are never on my radar. I am rather indifferent towards both my parents and feel absolutely weird when I talk to them over the phone. Yet, deep down, I know there is a longing for a connection with them that the little girl inside of me wishes I had. I know friends that talk to their mothers everyday about anything, yet I avoid my mother's phone calls. I have friends that talk about their fathers with such respect and admiration and that just seems like a foreign concept to me. It gets overwhelming sometimes because it makes me think that are large chucks in my personality and decision making that is not quite balanced because I didn't have those key figures being up front and center during critical times in my life. I still remember meeting a guy some years back that I liked that said he could never marry someone who didn't grow up in a two parent house hold like he did.

Think I have been feeling a little inadequate since then. Words are very powerful. Think me and God are gonna have a field day at the end of the month since I am taking Ancient Paths 2. Finally have some junk for him to bring to the light.

In God We Trust...

Last night, I had one of those  moments that required a little spiritual intervention. I went to the movies with my friend to see The Adjustment Bureau. It was a great movie with lots of spiritual undertone which I liked. It was also a love story which was cool too. Until the movie was over. Since my friend Diana and I went to the theater at Atlantic Station, I had every desire to have dinner at Strip because I wanted sushi. I knew Diana had to go babysit after the movie so I asked another friend if she could join me. She had baby duty but invited me over later. I figured if Diana and I weren't going to have dinner at Strip, I was gonna have Chinese take out with Quiana. I was kid free and really didn't want the evening to be wasted.

But God, in His marvelous design had other plans. Diana couldn't have dinner, Quiana was no longer available and I even called a plan C friend who also wasn't available. It was 10:00 PM and I was to about to head home alone, after watching Matt Damon and Emily Blunt defy the odds and walk off into the sun set. I hadn't felt that twinge of loneliness in quiet some time. Guess I have been too busy to notice. More like intentionally busy so I don't have to notice. Moment of transparency.

As I was riding home, I decided to have a honest heart to heart with God about the current condition of my heart. At some point in my rambling, I started to say "God I trust You to know what's best for me and to have a plan for me." I knew in my heart that if I said those words, they wouldn't be completely true. My beloved Beth Moore said in her Esther bible study that "we trust God as long as He is doing what we say." He was being a tad silent in the relationship department so He wasn't exactly doing what I said. So I wasn't really trust Him to deliver in His promise. As my tongue was working with my thoughts to say the partly untrue statement, all I could manage to get out was "God, I trust." Period. God, I trust. I must have said those 3 words 100 times, trying to finish my original, partly false statement. But, I couldn't. I mean I physically could not say anything but "God, I trust." And I felt okay. I felt like I needed to just trust. Trust with no conditions, no finite parameters, just trust Him with all my heart and know that He keeps His word.

He isn't concerned so much with my impatience but does hate when I feel lonely, cause He wants to be the one I turn to for comfort. He is jealous for me and desires to just have me trust that He alone is enough. And He is. Even when I don't want to, He's right there waiting, probably tapping His foot,
but waiting nonetheless for me to come to Him, tears and all, so He can fill the empty spaces I try to fill with people and activites. He knows me so well that He won't even let me utter a lie to Him. He just wants me to trust. Period.

Dreaming Again

Last night, you invaded my dreams again. We had a very weird adventure riding elevators in a hotel. We stopped on the different floors and explored different rooms and secret hideaways. We ended up in a parking deck and you had a look on your face like you had something serious to tell me. You gave me a hug and whispered "Did you know that I still love you? I just wanted you to know that I still love you." I was stunned. I felt the shock in my dream. I didn't reply because I had no words for what was just said. Fast forward and I am face to face with someone who represents the wife because I have never met her. I had every intention of telling the wife what had transpired but for some reason, the words would not come out. I heard myself telling her what her husband had confessed to me but the words that came out of my mouth were a re-telling of the elevator adventures. I walked away feeling weird and confused. Not sure why you confessed those feelings of love to me. My feelings haven't change. God saved me from you. Best of luck with your decision.

Princess, Purpose and Peru

Some how, God saw fit to give me a heart for people and a heart for the mission field. It's weird because I have never been on an international mission trip but just the mere idea of being used as a messenger to spread the gospel sends tingles up my spine. My first visit to Victory World Church showed me that underneath the surface, I was a missionary at heart. Hearing Pastor Dennis update the church on the wells that had been dug in Africa thanks to their faithful tithing and offerings melted my heart because I was in a church that understood God's heart for His people outside of our little comfy suburb.

Tonight we had a meeting with everyone that is going on the Peru missions trip in June. I was feeling a bit discouraged about Peru lately mainly because of the $1,700 price tag. With me trying to create a budget, pay off some debt and start saving, coming up with $1,700 started to seem like such a daunting task. Peru started to become less of a priority and my heart started to ache about it. I was feeling a bit bummed about going to the meeting tonight, knowing I hadn't even begun to write my support letter or even began to start raising money for the trip.

But something amazing and so timely happened today. A princess appeared. My princess appeared. Sabrina appeared. God totally rocked my world with that surprise! I had prayed for Sabrina for so many nights and in all honesty, I thought I would never hear from her again. Her life, her story, her rescue, her struggle, her return to a life of prostitution absolutely changed my life.

When I look back at last summer, God divinely orchestrated a series of events that changed my life and ignited my life's purpose. God had me at that Fusion service when the Sunday to Sunday in town mission trips for Summer 2010 were announced. Though I didn't have the money to pay the fee before all the spots filled up, God knew my desire and He already had granted me favor. It was His planning that had me and Heather engaged in a conversation about S2S, my inability to pay but desire to go, that had her tell me to contact Dede directly and explain my situation. Dede so graciously extended my time to pay until July even though the trip I would take would be in June. God favored me. It was His divine plan that because of the threat of rain we had Princess Night on Thursday instead of Friday. It was on that day, in the dark of the night, out the corner of my eye, I saw a girl in a dress and flip flops walking with her pimp, folding her hands over and over again because of nerves and fear. It was God's plan for my life to be forever changed in that one night.

I believe that God is at work yet again, divinely putting together a series of events so that I am apart of the Peru mission team. I believe His plan for me is to see how the commercial exploitation of children is so much bigger than what my natural mind can grasp. He wants me to have my heart broken for the street children of Peru and for the girls far younger than Sabrina that are forced to sell their bodies to survive. He wants me to see His bigger picture and to know that these are the people that need His love and that I am the messenger that needs to deliver the Good News. He needs me to have my life changed. He needs me to plant seeds of hope and faith into the children who may one day change their country for His good. He needs me to capture that passion that He has placed in my heart and use it to fuel my purpose. He needs me to see the problem first hand so that I can be apart of the solution. We can rescue every street kid and child prostitute from Atlanta to Peru but someone has to help rehabilitate them, counsel them and show them God's love in action. That seems to be God's plan for my future.

Sabrina, my Princess, has marked me forever. She has left her impression on me in a way that words cannot even begin to describe. Knowing that Sabrina is still alive and well reminded me that even though she is still in that life, those seeds of compassion and hope are still planted deeply in her spirit. God needed me to know that He hears my prayers for her. He also wants me to know that He works in the supernatural and that nothing is impossible when it is His will for my life. I am supposed to go to Peru and Sabrina is my reason why. I couldn't save her but there are so many more Sabrinas that need to be helped. This is my Gideon moment. Though I feel weak and ill equipped, God is preparing to do some amazing things with my life.

Snowed In

Today is Tuesday, January 11, 2011. 1/11/11. More like Snow Storm 2011. The city is under a blanket of snow and ice and my office has been closed for 2 days. I am staring at about 5 inches of snow that has covered my front and back yard that is now coated with a layer of ice. I let the kids play outside while I watched from the warmth of the living room. Being home for all these days during the fast, you would think I am immersed in the presence of God, studying the word and in prayer. But I'm not. For some reason, my heart is not in this fast.

I was very excited to do the fast, excited about the revelations and breakthroughs God was going to provide. But I can't focus. I can't get motivated to read my Bible or to even spend some real time in prayer. I think I am spending more time complaining and worry about random things than being thankful for what I have and where I am. It's weird and rather frustrating. I feel like I am not pleasing God, like I am disappointing my Dad.

I am having a bit of cabin fever after being snowed in for 2 days and the distractions of having the kids running around, trying to juggle my own stuff, and craving meat and dairy just isn't helping.

In need of a breakthrough.

Fasting and Prayer

It's that time again. On January 8, 2011, my church will be starting our yearly 21 days of fasting and prayer. Last year was my first year participating in the fast and it ended up not being as hard as I thought it would be. Fasting isn't an easy task and it's not supposed to be. It's a purposeful sacrifice to draw closer to God and to detox from all the physical and spiritual junk we have filling our bodies and souls. Prayer and fasting truly works! I still remember hearing God's voice speak to me as clear as day driving home one day. He reminded me that "he (Ryan) will grow up." Totally freaked me out but that just shows the power and wonder in being obedient and spending some time denying our flesh and being in the presence of our Father.

There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible about fasting and prayer but the one that speaks to most to me is Matthew 17:17-21. It's the passage about Jesus casting the demon out of the little boy and His disciples wondered why they couldn't cast out the demon as well.

Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you? Bring him here to Me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.

Jesus was very clear that nothing is impossible but some things require fasting and prayer. Some desires and knowledge require us to draw closer to God so that we can be free from distractions and open to hear His voice. It gets harder to hear the response to prayers when we have distractions, sin, fleshly desires and all kind of other crap clogging up the filter we need to discern from God's voice and our own voice.

Prayer is always an important staple in our lives as Christians but if you're like me, most days I wonder if He even hears me. Yes, He has heard and come through on countless prayers, but sometimes I wonder if He really hears me. There are somethings that I am still waiting on some sort of response, denial, confirmation, signs and wonder, but to no avail. God on mute again. There are a lot of things on my prayer list right about now so this fast is right on time. I ran across this devotional in my Bible that made a light bulb go off in my head.

The book of Hebrew chapter 11 talks about great examples of faith. Hebrew 11:6 states that "And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." I found the answer to my God on mute problem. I haven't always had faith that God will come through on the prayers that I send up to Him. Without faith, it's like my prayers fall on deaf ears. Makes perfect sense.

I have realized that I sometimes wonder if I am praying correctly. I know I don't sound anything like some of the more "seasoned prayer warriors" that I know but there is no format to follow. But there are some instructions that one must follow when it comes to prayer.

1. We must come in faith, believing that there is a God who will hear us and reward us. (Hebrew 11:6)

2. We must willingly let God examine our heart(Psalm 139:23-24), confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and then repent (Acts 3:19).

3. We can pray even if we feel that our faith is small (Matthew 17:20).

4. We must consider if there are any of our relationships that need mending. Then we need to go and try to make them right (Matthew 5:23-24)

5. We must come to prayer by asking in Jesus' name and for his sake. We can ask ourselves, Will the answer to this prayer honor Jesus' name? Will it glorify and extend the work of the Kingdom? (John 14:13).

This is going to be an interesting fasting and prayer season. This year is gearing up to be great and full of hope, promise, and purpose. I am looking forward to hearing instructions and direction from God, getting clarity on various areas of my life that needs a bit of fine tuning, etc. This is going to be a good year. Change starts now.

Day 12: What Do You Crave?

"My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!-insatiable for your nourishing commands." Psalm 119:20 (MSG)

In early 2009, I began having this weird longing to go back to church. Now mind you, I had been in GA since 2000 and could count on one hand how many times I had been to church. Once I left Mississippi and the routine of going to church every Sunday, I started doing my own thing. I was new to the state and finding a church just was not on my radar. I would sometimes feel bad for not going to church but never convicted enough to do something about it. However, that longing, that craving, that thirst for God started to get very strong. I found myself obsessing over church websites trying to figure out where I was supposed to go but could never step out on faith and make the move. This was always when me and Ryan started having our break down in communication and in hindsight, I believe God was calling me back to Him to prepare me for the trials that were coming soon. He was still pursuing me even after living outside His will for almost a decade. He was still in love with me even when I allowed an atheist to shake what little faith and understanding I had of Him. He still desired me even when I denied Him...and then I ended up craving Him.

I still remember coming to Victory in August 2009, just a few weeks after having my first encounter with God. That overwhelming craving for God was at its peak and I didn't know what to do with it. When God spoke to me that night in July and told me that "this is not who you are." I surrendered to Him right there and that craving started to become satisfied. I was so overwhelmed with Him presence and my brokenness, that I had a panic attack. A couple of weeks later, I was at my first service at Victory and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was home and God was glad to see me.

I crave to always have that feeling of satisfaction and overwhelming presence of God but in all reality, I don't. I don't always have these supernatural experiences where God speaks clear as day or that I am just baptized in the Holy Spirit every time I call on Him. But I crave those days. I crave God's attention and affection. I long to please Him and follow His commands. I long to share His love with others. But does all of that happen on the regular? Nope, because usually my life is crowded with junk and distractions. I spend too much time worrying about "minor" issues, on the Internet, watching TV (or catching up usually), running errands, raising kids, being a friend, sister, counselor, life coach, leader, etc, that I don't always leave time for God. I worry that there is not enough hours in the day when there is plenty of time but only one of me. Even in all the chaos, God still wants His time.

I miss that season of craving God and His presence. Not that I don't long for Him now because I do desire to keep drawing closer to Him. But that overwhelming, tangible craving to be with Him is not always there. One of my main desires is to continue to grow more with Him and press forward in this spiritual journey. I have been feeling rather bored with sameness and it's because I feel stagnant. I need something, I need God. I need Him to shake things up for me, to give me boldness to speak of His love to strangers, to "step up and lead" as He has called me to do. So why haven't I done these things? Because I let other things get in the way of that passion that I should have for the King. When I am worried about the kids health, I am not trusting that He is a healer and that I should have no fear. When I am worrying about money, I am not trusting that He is a provider. When I am wasting time on foolishness, I am not giving God His glory and filling my time with things that please Him.

Wow, just had a revelation. I have needed a break from sameness and something new to do with my life. I've been asked to do some work with a friend's ministry which I am happy to do. This would be pleasing to God, this will be a way to grow with others and reach out to God's lost and hurting. My excitement and thirst to do more for the Kingdom is growing and this just might be the outlet I need to be creative and allow God to use me.

He IS Faithful...

Last night was awesome. We had our regular Beauty For Ashes small group, but this meeting just did something to my heart. We met at the cross at Victory and spent some time in prayer and meditation as Angie called each one of us to the walking path. When she called my name, I really didn't know what to expect, but I knew this was going to be an evening of reflection and discovery. Angie explained that we have to learn to be faithful to God everyday because He is always faithful to us. As we walked, she quote the scripture Matthew 25:29-30: "For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

It's funny because I had read that very scripture the night before. I took that as confirmation that I need to be faithful to God in the little things that He gives me, so that I can live in abundance. Funny cause, that was the message Jeff Hidden gave this morning. Kingdom Thinking. I'm listening.

When I got to the end of the path, Nesha was waiting with an index card with the scripture Psalm 86:15: "But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Again, the message was faithfulness. She gave me a letter to read with instructions and also the letter that I wrote to Jesus 7 months ago at the start of our small group. As I read my letter, I was amazed at where was I was then and where I am now. I asked for healing for forgiveness for denying Him and doubting Him. I asked to encounter Him and to know His love for me. I asked Him to challenge me, to encourage me, to break me out of my shell, to give me boldness, baptism in the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to pour out His love and grace on my family and to strength the Godly relationships with the women He had placed in my life. When I tell you He was absolutely faithful in everything I desired, I was in awe. God did everything I asked of Him. He is faithful beyond understanding. He is in covenant with me and will give what my heart desires according to His will for me. He is faithful even when I am not.

In my letter, I promised to always have a burning passion for Him. To always be devoted to praising and worshiping Him. To continually die to myself and follow Him. I don't feel like I held up my end of the bargain. There are days when I am not sure He will come through for me. There are days when I pray and I can't hear Him, so I get discouraged and wonder if He cares. Sure I have my days, when I am just immersed in Him love and grace. Yet, there are days when I feel so disconnected from Him that I don't know how to fix it. I've felt that way lately. Very disconnected, faith kinda waning, fear and worry consuming me. But He was faithful to me, even when I was not to Him. That's how much He absolutely adores me. I am the daughter of a King and He treats me as such each and everyday. I just have to be faithful and return that same devotion.

I desire to be faithful and trusting in God in every area of my life. Every area. From finances, friendships, relationships, decisions, career, time. Every area. When I am faithful and good with the little things that God entrusts in me, He will pour out an abundance of blessing to me. I should be faithful because He is faithful. Now, I know I wont be perfect and there will be times of doubt and trouble. Yet, I have to always remember that my Father has proven to be a provider, a healer, a protector, a loving Father and many other things, so I know that I will always stand tall and stand in His victory.

I know that being faithful does not happen over night. I know this will be a process, a transformation. I know I need to renew my mind, body and spirit and become aligned with Him. Learn to trust Him and have dark areas of my heart revealed and fixed so that I can carry on. I bought a 90 day devotional back in late January, early February when I took the courtship class. I read it for a few days, and it was good, but I didn't stick with it. My letter that proved God is always faithful was written 7 months ago, around the time I purchased this book. Figured God had every intention of me getting that book, seriously. So, I have decided to embark on a 90 day assignment of purifying my mind, body and spirit. Each day, I will read my devotional and seriously think about what it is that is being revealed to me. My thoughts and revelations will be documented here so that I can go back and look at Day 1 three months from now and look at what God had done. I am excited and hopeful and ready for Him to reveal His purpose and love for me.