Christina and I made and failed at our cleverly devised plan to try to make it to work this morning. Unfortunately Gwinnett County Police decided to block my street and part of her street so there was no way she could reach me or even make it to the interstate herself. Tried but failed.
So here I am. Day 3 of Snow Storm 2011. Day 5 of the fast. I do admit in a fit of rebellion, I made pancakes and eggs and had coffee with milk. Totally broke my fast and felt like crap afterwards. I am usually good about keeping to my fasts. I stuck with it last year for the 21 days and when I fasted for 3 days with Veronica. I usually try to be obedient and diligent when making commitments to God but this time, I totally flaked. I wanted to rebel because I kept telling myself my heart wasn't in it. I am not sure if that was totally true but part of me wanted to give in. Not sure why but even in my rebellion, God still saw fit to reveal the hurt behind my rebellion.
I am so far from having it all together, it's almost laughable. Most days I am good. Honestly. But behind it all, I know I am falling short of where I want to be and where God is calling me to be. I am my own worst enemy and I stand in my own way more than anyone or anything else. I have learned to conquer things with mind over matter, faith and prayer, but just like any other living, breathing, and honest Christian, there are times when we don't completely trust God and allow Him to really be my everything. Sounds good when we say it, but we really are fooling ourselves.
I know my words sound a bit taboo for someone who professes to be a follower of Christ but I have learned that people prefer honesty over sugar coated lies. So me saying I am a rebellious kid who hasn't prayed, hasn't cracked open the Bible, or hasn't heard a worship song in 3 days may come as a shock. I am going through one of my impatient, I can't see the bigger picture, temper tantrums right now. And you know what? It's okay. Seriously, it's okay because My Father gets me. If I could see Him in His earthly form, He would be standing in the corner of my room, tapping His foot saying "Seriously, get it together. I'm right here, not going anywhere, waiting on you to let go and come to me." He and I are in a tug of war match and I am rather stubborn, not ready to let go of the rope and fall flat on my face. I'm not ready. But I know I need to hit the ground. And that's okay too.
I asked Him to peel back the layers and expose any areas of my heart that needs mending. I asked for that and now I am a little afraid of what I might find. So I am grinding my feet in sand and closing my eyes, but my resolve is starting to weaken. My convictions for breaking my fast were evident, my emotional state yesterday got the best of me and I know there is more to come. I can only hold on for so long before My Father, in His ever loving way, forces me to get it together and stop being a whiny brat. He knows me so well, flaws and all, yet He loves and delights in me anyway.
"He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." Yeah, He does....
Showing posts with label transparency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transparency. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Peeling Back The Layers
I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Kinda like mini anxiety attacks coming on. Not cabin fever though I would like to place the blame there. More like God is peeling back some of my layers that I like to leave right where they are. Truth and transparency time.
This is one of those days where I am feeling all girly and emotional. For some reason I got a little choked up watching a TV show (The Game) and it's weird because I have seen those very episodes before. Something about the crazy relationships and breakups and unexpected pregnancy just stings a bit. I've been Melanie and Janay and Tasha. The girl in love with the idea of love, the girl carrying the child that wasn't in the plan, the single mom who tries her best not to let anyone get too close and not wear her heart on her sleeve. Though just characters on the small screen, they are all pieces of me. I can admit that.
Just the other day, I was mentioning to a friend who is dealing with a break up, that it's okay to hurt and to be honest with God about how she feels. I'm finding myself having to be honest with myself and admit out loud some of these feeling that I have that I try my best to hide or bury under the mound of distractions I create. I figured if I am busy enough, I don't have to worry about the little nuisances like feelings. If I am busy enough, I don't have to think about the twinge of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of thinking I don't always measure up, fear of the unknown.
2 Timothy 1:7 says that "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's interesting what a fast will reveal and even more interesting how the enemy will bombard you when attempting to draw near to Christ. For a couple of days now, I have been in this crazy fog so a breakthrough was very much needed. Peeling back the layers one day at a time.
This is one of those days where I am feeling all girly and emotional. For some reason I got a little choked up watching a TV show (The Game) and it's weird because I have seen those very episodes before. Something about the crazy relationships and breakups and unexpected pregnancy just stings a bit. I've been Melanie and Janay and Tasha. The girl in love with the idea of love, the girl carrying the child that wasn't in the plan, the single mom who tries her best not to let anyone get too close and not wear her heart on her sleeve. Though just characters on the small screen, they are all pieces of me. I can admit that.
Just the other day, I was mentioning to a friend who is dealing with a break up, that it's okay to hurt and to be honest with God about how she feels. I'm finding myself having to be honest with myself and admit out loud some of these feeling that I have that I try my best to hide or bury under the mound of distractions I create. I figured if I am busy enough, I don't have to worry about the little nuisances like feelings. If I am busy enough, I don't have to think about the twinge of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of thinking I don't always measure up, fear of the unknown.
2 Timothy 1:7 says that "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's interesting what a fast will reveal and even more interesting how the enemy will bombard you when attempting to draw near to Christ. For a couple of days now, I have been in this crazy fog so a breakthrough was very much needed. Peeling back the layers one day at a time.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Desires of My Heart
I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Accountability
Accountability equals life saver. Seriously. Since being back into the folds of Christianity after straying for YEARS, the concept of accountability has been discussed about a million times. "Get an accountability partner!" Hmm, that was always a head scratcher in the beginning because I had never heard of accountability before. Now, I don't know what I would do without it.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
My Latest Revelation
I must admit that I am going through a rather disconnected time right now. Not sure what it's about but I think its more so me being stubborn and not being obedient to what God has already told me I need to do. My prayer life and Bible reading has kinda been on the back burner which sucks. Common sense tells me that I know the solution to my problem but oddly enough, I just can't seem to will myself to get it together. Luckily, my life isn't in shambles, spiraling out of control, but it could definitely use a spiritual tune up. I kinda think I am holding myself back because of fear, shame and guilt for various reason but that's for another post. One of those "I don't even feel like I am worthy to be in God's presence" type of hindrance. I know He loves and delights in me despite all my hang ups and sin but I am still waiting on my heart to catch up with my head.
Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.
A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.
I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.
I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.
Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.
A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.
I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.
I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 7: Removing the Mask
"Watch yourselves carefully so you don't get contaminated with Pharisee yeast, Pharisee phoniness. You can't keep your true self hidden forever; before long you'll be exposed. You can't hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can't whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public" Luke 12:1-3
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
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