Ready or Not?

My friend Diana dropped the bomb on me last night. I love her because she isn't afraid to call me out of my foolishness and she asks the questions that need to be asked. She does it all in love but doesn't sugar coat. As we were discussing the guy I have "noticed" she asked a very important question that I had not even thought about in all these months.

"Are you really ready for your heart's desire?"

I was silent. I seriously had no words and no train of thought to attempt to answer that questions. She had me. I had to admit to myself that I didnt think I was ready. In fact, the idea slightly terrified me.

I seriously think God has me in a season of preparation. For what, I am not totally certain but I would like to think its somewhere in the relationship realm. He has taken me through seasons of trust, transparency and now preparation. He is putting me in positions that stretch and challenge me. He is placing people around me that encourage me and model how a life that edifies God looks like. I have great teachers and leaders around me that are helping me grow and learn more about myself.

But am I ready?

I pray often for my husband. Strange I know considering I am single. I figured if God has a specific person for me in mind already, why not start praying for him? I have no idea who he is but I thank God for him, I pray for his health, his relationship with God, favor in his career, school, whatever he is doing. Why wait until I get married or even when we start dating/courting to pray for him? Anyway, I pray for my husband but when Diana asked me if I am even ready to receive the desires of my heart, it made me really think. Am I ready to be someone's girlfriend let alone wife? Yeah, the desire is there but is my life in order? Chew on that for minute.

I realize I have very limited time. I think Tuesdays and the weekends are probably the only nights that I don't already have something scheduled and usually the weekends are jam packed with errands, time with the boys, birthday parties, BBQ, movie or dinner dates, seminars, Bible study, impromptu gatherings with friends, etc. Where would a boyfriend fit? In all this chaos of days that bleed into each other, where does God fit in all of this. I realize that I don't always pencil in time for God so I certainly shouldn't rearrange my schedule to fit a guy.

Am I prepared for my heart's desire? I am working on getting my finances in order, I have dealt with bruises and hurts from my past and can honestly say they are no longer strong holds in my life. I have wonderful examples of Godly courtships and marriages that I can go to for advice so I am not just flying by the seat of my pants. I have a heart of a servant and understand the role of a submitted help mate in relation to my husband. God has shown me the importance of forgiveness and respect, two big areas I struggled with. I understand the need for courting with a purpose and a vision and not just dating to pass the time. I am an advocate for purity, not just abstaining from sex. I know the direction God wants me to go and it seriously ignites my heart with passion when I think about it.

Am I prepared for my heart's desire? I think I am. I think approaching relationships with a new attitude and outlook on life is a bit scary because I am used to operating totally with my flesh. I do believe that is where my fear stems. I am in a position where I have taken the time to get to know a person before I started to get butterflies and I don't recall that ever happening in before. Usually I am so overtaken with the physical aspect that getting to know them was something that I just hoped would come later, even though it didn't always happen that way. I am treading in foreign territory but its okay. This in itself is preparation. Even if this guy and I never make it past the friend stage, I have learned to guard my heart. I have realized that I can like someone without being consumed with sexual thoughts and desires. I have learned to pray for wisdom and discernment and I refuse to compromise on what I feel is right. I have learned to set boundaries and respect boundaries that he has in place. I am learning patience, no connection before commitment, and still keeping God and His business at the fore front.

Am I prepared for my heart's desire. Yeah.

Peeling Back The Layers

I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Kinda like mini anxiety attacks coming on. Not cabin fever though I would like to place the blame there. More like God is peeling back some of my layers that I like to leave right where they are. Truth and transparency time.

This is one of those days where I am feeling all girly and emotional. For some reason I got a little choked up watching a TV show (The Game) and it's weird because I have seen those very episodes before. Something about the crazy relationships and breakups and unexpected pregnancy just stings a bit. I've been Melanie and Janay and Tasha. The girl in love with the idea of love, the girl carrying the child that wasn't in the plan, the single mom who tries her best not to let anyone get too close and not wear her heart on her sleeve. Though just characters on the small screen, they are all pieces of me. I can admit that.

Just the other day, I was mentioning to a friend who is dealing with a break up, that it's okay to hurt and to be honest with God about how she feels. I'm finding myself having to be honest with myself and admit out loud some of these feeling that I have that I try my best to hide or bury under the mound of distractions I create. I figured if I am busy enough, I don't have to worry about the little nuisances like feelings. If I am busy enough, I don't have to think about the twinge of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of thinking I don't always measure up, fear of the unknown.

2 Timothy 1:7 says that "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's interesting what a fast will reveal and even more interesting how the enemy will bombard you when attempting to draw near to Christ. For a couple of days now, I have been in this crazy fog so a breakthrough was very much needed. Peeling back the layers one day at a time.

My Latest Revelation

I must admit that I am going through a rather disconnected time right now. Not sure what it's about but I think its more so me being stubborn and not being obedient to what God has already told me I need to do. My prayer life and Bible reading has kinda been on the back burner which sucks. Common sense tells me that I know the solution to my problem but oddly enough, I just can't seem to will myself to get it together. Luckily, my life isn't in shambles, spiraling out of control, but it could definitely use a spiritual tune up. I kinda think I am holding myself back because of fear, shame and guilt for various reason but that's for another post. One of those "I don't even feel like I am worthy to be in God's presence" type of hindrance. I know He loves and delights in me despite all my hang ups and sin but I am still waiting on my heart to catch up with my head.

Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.

A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.

I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.

I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.

Confessions of a Hypocrite

I confess that I am a hypocrite, a walking contradiction. Every Sunday, I'm in church pouring my heart out in worship and devouring Pastor D's message. Every Wednesday night, I am at Fusion, worshipping like a maniac and hanging on every word from Pastor Johnson. Yet, when I leave the church grounds, reality sets in. I am not living this amazing Christian life that I want everyone to believe. I definitely falling way short of God's glory. I am not moving in step with what God calls me to do. I do not always share God's amazing power with others. I do not always let the light of Jesus shine through me. I am the poster child of hypocrisy...all because of fear.

This past weekend, I truly realized the extent that fear has on my life. Actually, I realized it some weeks ago when I was about to blog about fear because that was the topic of the devotional I was reading. The words on the pages slapped me in the face and I realized how many areas of my life are stagnant because I'm afraid. Pastor D talked about moving with God and for God. Moving when He tells us to by taking that leap of faith into the unseen and unknown. God called me to lead a small group many months ago, but I am standing still because of fear. I wont allow God to completely have of my heart and mind because of fear. I can't even begin to name all that I can't do because of fear. But Sunday's message and my small group's talk on fear opened my eyes and shook my spirit. And then of course on FB, Dede's word from God was "Are you rejecting yourself on behalf of others? Do you say 'I know you're too busy and you dont have time to talk to me.' 'I dont want to be a burdern on people.' 'I know people's schedules are so packed these days.' 'I'm okay, there are other people that need help more than me.'" I am all of the above. I hear you, Father. I'm listening. I am living in fear. Save me.

I got index cards to write down all the fears that I have and a scripture to counter that lie of the enemy. Something tells me that I am going to go through a lot of cards.

To be continued...