The Heart of My Father

Today has just been a day of emotions and confusion. I hate days like this because I feel like I am spending most of my time in my head and not really accomplishing anything. This is one of those days where I just kinda check out and rest so that I can get back into the fight. So many issues, feelings, and thoughts weighing on my mind that I am actually losing sleep. I have been losing the good fight with insomnia for a few weeks now and I think its finally taken its toll. You would think that I would just pray for a break through and release all these problems on God but this is one of those days where I am making the mistake of trying to deal with things on my own. I have to ask myself "How's that working for you?" knowing the answer would be "not so good."

Though I can't really muster up the energy or the faith to pray tonight, I know that God is listening to the rumbling in my heart and mind. As I sit here on my bedroom floor reflecting on my day and contemplating the content of my quarterly letter to Jesus I am about to write, I am listening to one of my favorite worship songs. The Anthem by Planet Shakers. As the music and lyrics soothe my ears and my heart, I can't help but embrace the tears that are falling. I am feeling rather emotional and girly right now. This is a night that I need the love and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it takes a worship song to pierce through all the doubt, fear, anxiety, and pride that keeps me from really hearing Him and being assured of things I already know.

Hallelujah. You have won the victory.
Hallelujah. You have won it all for me.
Death could not hold you down. You are the Risen King.
Seated in majesty. You are the Risen King.

Those words alone let me know that He hears me. He tells me that if He is the Risen King, then I am the beloved daughter of the Most High. I am the daughter of Royalty. I am His beloved, His fair one. I move His heart and He smiles at the thought of me. My name is etched in His hand in gold and He knows all the hairs on my head. He is the lover of my soul and the protector of my heart. He knitted me together in my mother's womb with love and care and He desires for me to live a life of blessing and abundance. He sacrificed His Son so that I may have the honor and pleasure of being in His presence at any moment of the day. He tells me that I can always trust Him, always depend on Him, always come to Him even in my darkest, most sinful hour. He has redeemed and cleansed me of my past and is preparing my heart and mind for a future that only He can orchestrate. He is the author of life and is penning a story so magnificent and so worthy of His beloved daughter that it brings joy to His heart. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

He sees every little bit of effort I make for the Kingdom. He sees my heart for Him, no matter how small I think it is. He sees my passion for Him even when it is waning. He sees my desire to come to Him even in my shame. He knows my thought, He knows my heart, He knows my intention and it all makes Him happy. I have already captured His heart when I decided to die to my old ways, pick up my cross and follow Him. I've ravished His heart and He anticipates every little moment that I spend with Him. He sees me. He sees me when my faith is tested and He pulls at my heart so that I don't fall far from Him. He tells me that I move His heart just with my mere presence. I move His heart. I move the heart of the King, my Father. He sees every bit of the longing in my spirit to draw nearer to Him even when my flesh is weak. He sees the sacrifices that I make even when I don't think He notices. He is pleased and proud. He is never disappointed, angry, or sad. He tells me that I really do make Him happy. His love for me is indescribable and too beautiful for words.

Cory Asbury's worship song Do You Know The Way You Move Me brought me to tears tonight as well as The Anthem by Planet Shakers. Unfortunately, Cory's song isn't available online but luckily I found the only site that has a copy of it. It's amazing and a great reminder of the heart of our Father.

Thanks for tears tonight, my Father. I am learning to embrace them, even in your presence.

Get It Together

Christina and I made and failed at our cleverly devised plan to try to make it to work this morning. Unfortunately Gwinnett County Police decided to block my street and part of her street so there was no way she could reach me or even make it to the interstate herself. Tried but failed.

So here I am. Day 3 of Snow Storm 2011. Day 5 of the fast. I do admit in a fit of rebellion, I made pancakes and eggs and had coffee with milk. Totally broke my fast and felt like crap afterwards. I am usually good about keeping to my fasts. I stuck with it last year for the 21 days and when I fasted for 3 days with Veronica. I usually try to be obedient and diligent when making commitments to God but this time, I totally flaked. I wanted to rebel because I kept telling myself my heart wasn't in it. I am not sure if that was totally true but part of me wanted to give in. Not sure why but even in my rebellion, God still saw fit to reveal the hurt behind my rebellion.

I am so far from having it all together, it's almost laughable. Most days I am good. Honestly. But behind it all, I know I am falling short of where I want to be and where God is calling me to be. I am my own worst enemy and I stand in my own way more than anyone or anything else. I have learned to conquer things with mind over matter, faith and prayer, but just like any other living, breathing, and honest Christian, there are times when we don't completely trust God and allow Him to really be my everything. Sounds good when we say it, but we really are fooling ourselves.

I know my words sound a bit taboo for someone who professes to be a follower of Christ but I have learned that people prefer honesty over sugar coated lies. So me saying I am a rebellious kid who hasn't prayed, hasn't cracked open the Bible, or hasn't heard a worship song in 3 days may come as a shock. I am going through one of my impatient, I can't see the bigger picture, temper tantrums right now. And you know what? It's okay. Seriously, it's okay because My Father gets me. If I could see Him in His earthly form, He would be standing in the corner of my room, tapping His foot saying "Seriously, get it together. I'm right here, not going anywhere, waiting on you to let go and come to me." He and I are in a tug of war match and I am rather stubborn, not ready to let go of the rope and fall flat on my face. I'm not ready. But I know I need to hit the ground. And that's okay too.

I asked Him to peel back the layers and expose any areas of my heart that needs mending. I asked for that and now I am a little afraid of what I might find. So I am grinding my feet in sand and closing my eyes, but my resolve is starting to weaken. My convictions for breaking my fast were evident, my emotional state yesterday got the best of me and I know there is more to come. I can only hold on for so long before My Father, in His ever loving way, forces me to get it together and stop being a whiny brat. He knows me so well, flaws and all, yet He loves and delights in me anyway.

"He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." Yeah, He does....

Peeling Back The Layers

I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Kinda like mini anxiety attacks coming on. Not cabin fever though I would like to place the blame there. More like God is peeling back some of my layers that I like to leave right where they are. Truth and transparency time.

This is one of those days where I am feeling all girly and emotional. For some reason I got a little choked up watching a TV show (The Game) and it's weird because I have seen those very episodes before. Something about the crazy relationships and breakups and unexpected pregnancy just stings a bit. I've been Melanie and Janay and Tasha. The girl in love with the idea of love, the girl carrying the child that wasn't in the plan, the single mom who tries her best not to let anyone get too close and not wear her heart on her sleeve. Though just characters on the small screen, they are all pieces of me. I can admit that.

Just the other day, I was mentioning to a friend who is dealing with a break up, that it's okay to hurt and to be honest with God about how she feels. I'm finding myself having to be honest with myself and admit out loud some of these feeling that I have that I try my best to hide or bury under the mound of distractions I create. I figured if I am busy enough, I don't have to worry about the little nuisances like feelings. If I am busy enough, I don't have to think about the twinge of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of thinking I don't always measure up, fear of the unknown.

2 Timothy 1:7 says that "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's interesting what a fast will reveal and even more interesting how the enemy will bombard you when attempting to draw near to Christ. For a couple of days now, I have been in this crazy fog so a breakthrough was very much needed. Peeling back the layers one day at a time.