Last night I was talking with a friend who was a little baffled by the fact that I mentioned I really didn't watch TV anymore. We have had conversations in the past about changes that we have both made since coming to Christ, mine more "radical" than his. I knew the reaction that I would get when I said what I did, and it didn't bother me really. I'm used to it. I am used to the gasps and looks of uncertainty when I tell people about things I refrain from in order to make sure that what I do is pleasing to God. I am far from this locked up in the house, one step away from the convent type girl, but when I decided to be serious about God, I developed a new set of eyes in which to see the world and a new level of conviction about how I was living my life. Once you accept salvation, you become a new creation. That means leaving behind some of the old ways in order to be set apart from the rest of the world. Jesus saved me from a life of condemnation in the world, so why try to keep my feet there?
I realize I am okay with being "that girl" who lives to a higher standard that others may not get. Comes with the territory. Call me a Jesus freak...I am and I wear that proudly.
I am that girl who has decided that after years of meaningless sex, I will refrain from it until I get married.
I am that girl who truly believes that God has "the one" for me and it's not my job to meddle in His plans by pursuing relationships on my own. Patience is a virtue.
I am that girl that has decided that placing things before my eyes and ears that cause me to have lustful and impure thoughts is unacceptable. Cuts out a lot of TV, movies, music and porn. Yep I said porn. Purity above abstinence.
I am that girl who realizes that sitting down with a group of friends and just sharing all that supernatural things that God is doing is the far more fun than going to a club or party and fending off rude guys.
I am that girl that believes in serving in the church. Time out for just holding down a seat. Be active in the local body of Christ so that others can experience His goodness as well.
I am that girl that has had to choose between being a "friend" and honoring what God says. I knew that this journey would not be easy and many will not have the same view point as me, but at the end of the day, my devotion is to honoring God, not leading friends down destructive paths.
I am that girl who has been ridiculed and made fun of by family because I am not ashamed to love God openly. Hey, if they made fun of Jesus, I can take one for the team too.
I am that girl who has forgiven people who have hurt me the most in life and now I pray for their own happiness and blessings. Only God can get you to that place of freedom.
I am that girl who has not been in a relationship in almost 2 years and is perfectly okay with that. True. I realized that God had some work to do to heal my scars so I don't continue the cycle of destructive relationships. If He was patient enough to continue chasing me for 20+ years, I can be patient enough to let Him mold me into who He has called me to be.
I am that girl who loves to be surrounded with broken, hurting people. Why? Because I was like them just a short time ago so why not pour into them love and encouragement that was poured into me when I was hurting.
I am that girl who would love to have a life dedicated to doing mission work. I thought that the city of Atlanta was filled with darkness and hurting people but I was in for a shock when I traveled to Peru. I had no clue what hurting and desperation was until I spent 10 days in the deserts of Peru surrounded by people who literally have nothing.
I am that girl who is absolutely passionate about ending sex trafficking. My heart broke at the thought of it and I actually took action. It's one thing to hear about it but its another thing to do something about. Whether its attending events to lobby against it, doing a donation drive to support organizations that fight it or just spreading the word on Facebook, it's doing something.
I am that girl who believes that every professing Christian in the world has a duty to love like Christ, pursue Him wholeheartedly, live a life that is purposeful, and to introduce others Him. Period.
Yep, I am that girl.
Showing posts with label spiritual growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiritual growth. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
If God Is Really God, Then Live For Him Like He Is Really God
I started reading Craig Groeschel's book The Christian Atheist the other day. It's been on my reading wish list for a while now and thanks to an amazing Kindle ebook special, I got that book and Weird for $2.99 each. I can always tell a book is right on time for me if its a struggle for me to get through it due to a little bit of conviction and down right honesty with myself. The Christian Atheist is messing me up for real. Best $2.99 I've spent in a long time.
I believe in God. I do the church thing. I serve. I mentor women. I lead a small group. I do missions trips. I pray for coworkers who threaten to kill themselves. I fast. I spend hours in the Furnace in prayer. I lead outreaches in the community. I blog about all the amazing things I have experienced and have been delivered from thanks to God's saving grace. I don't have sex. I feed the homeless. I stand up for victims of human trafficking. I worship with the best of them. I teach my kids to love God. I teach Aiden to pray for Jesus to heal his eczema and asthma. I teach Gavin to be a leader worth following. I am the ideal Christian.
Despite all my works, my testimony, hearing God's voice with my own ears, I don't always trust God. I don't always believe Him or believe in Him. I trust Him in my head but sometimes trusting Him in my heart doesn't happen. I doubt what He says He will do. I doubt that if I leave my job like He has told me to, He will truly be my provider and take care of me and my boys. I doubt that He will supernaturally open doors and provide favor for me. I doubt that He hears all of my prayers. I doubt that He really wants me to write books. I doubt that He will make a way for me to have a ministry that allows me to be aid in "setting the captives free."
I am a Christian Atheist. Commence throwing stones.
Even in my moments of doubt and skepticism, I still know that God is not threatened by my unbelief. He is still God even when I am shaky. He is still God even when I don't feel courageous. He is still God when I am riddled with fear. He is still God even when I don't trust Him. He is still God because even in all my chaos, He still speaks to me. He still chases after me. He still gives nudges me to remind me that He has more blessings than I can even imagine waiting for me to receive. He is still God because He is never changing.
"If God is really God, then live like He is really God." That was the challenge that Pastor Johnson gave. Even in my Christian atheism, I know that God is really God. It's time I start living like He is really God. Time to search my life and expose areas where I have compromised, where I have grown lukewarm, where I have doubt & fear. Time to live like God is really God everyday, not just in a time of crisis.
If God is really God, then live like He is really God. Period.
I believe in God. I do the church thing. I serve. I mentor women. I lead a small group. I do missions trips. I pray for coworkers who threaten to kill themselves. I fast. I spend hours in the Furnace in prayer. I lead outreaches in the community. I blog about all the amazing things I have experienced and have been delivered from thanks to God's saving grace. I don't have sex. I feed the homeless. I stand up for victims of human trafficking. I worship with the best of them. I teach my kids to love God. I teach Aiden to pray for Jesus to heal his eczema and asthma. I teach Gavin to be a leader worth following. I am the ideal Christian.
Despite all my works, my testimony, hearing God's voice with my own ears, I don't always trust God. I don't always believe Him or believe in Him. I trust Him in my head but sometimes trusting Him in my heart doesn't happen. I doubt what He says He will do. I doubt that if I leave my job like He has told me to, He will truly be my provider and take care of me and my boys. I doubt that He will supernaturally open doors and provide favor for me. I doubt that He hears all of my prayers. I doubt that He really wants me to write books. I doubt that He will make a way for me to have a ministry that allows me to be aid in "setting the captives free."
I am a Christian Atheist. Commence throwing stones.
Even in my moments of doubt and skepticism, I still know that God is not threatened by my unbelief. He is still God even when I am shaky. He is still God even when I don't feel courageous. He is still God when I am riddled with fear. He is still God even when I don't trust Him. He is still God because even in all my chaos, He still speaks to me. He still chases after me. He still gives nudges me to remind me that He has more blessings than I can even imagine waiting for me to receive. He is still God because He is never changing.
"If God is really God, then live like He is really God." That was the challenge that Pastor Johnson gave. Even in my Christian atheism, I know that God is really God. It's time I start living like He is really God. Time to search my life and expose areas where I have compromised, where I have grown lukewarm, where I have doubt & fear. Time to live like God is really God everyday, not just in a time of crisis.
If God is really God, then live like He is really God. Period.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Right Where I Am Meant To Be
I am a firm advocate of leaving the past right where it is. In the past. Some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Many of us spend too much time trying to parlay this person who was only meant for a season into a life time.
That was me a few years ago with an ex. We were an unhealthy, codependent couple who settled and wasted many years. I learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself and life and general, so I can honestly say I don't have too many regrets about that period in my life. I walked away from the situation with my head first and my bruised and broken heart followed behind shortly thereafter.
For me, it was very easy for me to get over someone by just acting like they didn't exist. I ease memories, avoid certain places, throw away all mementos and keep it pushing. But with this last relationship, God had different plans for my healing process. He made me wallow in the hurt and pain for a while. In my head, getting over that relationship was going to kill me but God was showing me how to trust Him to be my comfort and strength. I had to be serious about this God thing if I wanted to be normal again. It wasn't easy but I did not fold and try to worm my way back into a relationship that God literally stopped time and plucked me out of.
Just the other day, God downloaded a thought into my heart. He reminded me of all that He has accomplished through me once I stepped out on faith in that supernatural encounter with Him and left the relationship for good. Here is a quick recap:
-July 2009: God stopped time and space and spoke directly to me, saving my life.
-August 2009: I visited Victory World Church for the first time.
-August 2009: I started attending Fusion and joined a small group.
-September 9, 2009: I gave my life to Christ, fully and wholeheartedly.
-November 2009: I was baptized in front of my Fusion community. This was also the month that the issue of human trafficking hit home for me in the wake of 5 year old Shaniya Davis's death. She was sold by her mother to a man for sex and her body was found on the side of the road a few days later. She resembled my 3 year old neice and both lived just miles apart.
-January 2010: I stepped into Fusion leadership.
-March-May 2010: I experienced 12 amazing weeks of Spirit filled revival at Fusion during the spring of 2010 that changed how I viewed the Holy Spirit.
-June 2010: I went on my first Sunday to Sunday in town mission trip, an experience that rocked my world and broke my heart for my city. During that week, I met a young lady that fueled my passion for the victims in the sex trade.
-July 2010: I begain blogging as a way to get back into writing and to journal my journey with God. I wrote blogs for the Sunday to Sunday website.
-October 2010: I participated in an amazing overnight outreach with Fusion, feeding and ministering to the homeless and cleaning up SafeHouse Atlanta, a staple of hope for the homeless of Atlanta.
-November 2010: I launched a donation drive to provide much needed items to WellSpring Living, a non profit restoration home for former sex trafficking victims. I delivered a van load of supplies and journals to the ladies 2 weeks before Christmas.
-February 2011: I became a small group apprentice, training to lead others and create disciples within my Fusion community. Later that month I participated in Lobby Day with StreetGrace, a partnership of local churches and community partners to lobby for legislation to protect victims of child sex trafficking and punish traffickers and johns.
-April 2011: Friends and I visited a local strip club and ministered to the beautiful, yet broken girls. I left with more hugs, tears, and prayer requests from the girls that I would have ever imagined. Also, attended the Resilent Women's conference and was introduced to the dyanmic Christine Caine, a powerhouse evangelist and advocate for suvivors in human trafficking.
-June 2011: I embarked on a 10 day mission trip to Peru to work with former street kids, trafficking survivors, and children from some of the poorest, most violent slums in the country. On Wednesday, I get to attend a panel discussion featuring Rachel Lloyd, one of my favorite advocates for victims of child sex trafficking.
This is seriously just a snapshot of the things that I have done in the past 2 years. There are too many outreaches, Fusion services, spontanteous prayers for strangers, bible studies, friendships created, leaders trained, disciples made, late night Furnace prayer sessions, supernatural encounters, missionaries supported, lives changed, to even count. Our lives are a ripple effect, touching one person, who then touches another and another. I have met so many strangers and shared the gospel with it is beyond measure. I have encouraged so many friends, strangers, and coworkers with words or just random acts of kindness, its overwhelming.
I am right where I am meant to be.
Going down memory lane is okay but I have no regrets from getting off that beaten path. None of this would have been possible had I chosen to stay in that one relationship. Being consumed with one person would have prevented me from affecting the lives of thousands with the gospel. You never know how far your reach is supposed to go when your focus is on everything but God. Thankful that He stopped time to chase me and that I had sense enough to let Him catch me.
That was me a few years ago with an ex. We were an unhealthy, codependent couple who settled and wasted many years. I learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself and life and general, so I can honestly say I don't have too many regrets about that period in my life. I walked away from the situation with my head first and my bruised and broken heart followed behind shortly thereafter.
For me, it was very easy for me to get over someone by just acting like they didn't exist. I ease memories, avoid certain places, throw away all mementos and keep it pushing. But with this last relationship, God had different plans for my healing process. He made me wallow in the hurt and pain for a while. In my head, getting over that relationship was going to kill me but God was showing me how to trust Him to be my comfort and strength. I had to be serious about this God thing if I wanted to be normal again. It wasn't easy but I did not fold and try to worm my way back into a relationship that God literally stopped time and plucked me out of.
Just the other day, God downloaded a thought into my heart. He reminded me of all that He has accomplished through me once I stepped out on faith in that supernatural encounter with Him and left the relationship for good. Here is a quick recap:
-July 2009: God stopped time and space and spoke directly to me, saving my life.
-August 2009: I visited Victory World Church for the first time.
-August 2009: I started attending Fusion and joined a small group.
-September 9, 2009: I gave my life to Christ, fully and wholeheartedly.
-November 2009: I was baptized in front of my Fusion community. This was also the month that the issue of human trafficking hit home for me in the wake of 5 year old Shaniya Davis's death. She was sold by her mother to a man for sex and her body was found on the side of the road a few days later. She resembled my 3 year old neice and both lived just miles apart.
-January 2010: I stepped into Fusion leadership.
-March-May 2010: I experienced 12 amazing weeks of Spirit filled revival at Fusion during the spring of 2010 that changed how I viewed the Holy Spirit.
-June 2010: I went on my first Sunday to Sunday in town mission trip, an experience that rocked my world and broke my heart for my city. During that week, I met a young lady that fueled my passion for the victims in the sex trade.
-July 2010: I begain blogging as a way to get back into writing and to journal my journey with God. I wrote blogs for the Sunday to Sunday website.
-October 2010: I participated in an amazing overnight outreach with Fusion, feeding and ministering to the homeless and cleaning up SafeHouse Atlanta, a staple of hope for the homeless of Atlanta.
-November 2010: I launched a donation drive to provide much needed items to WellSpring Living, a non profit restoration home for former sex trafficking victims. I delivered a van load of supplies and journals to the ladies 2 weeks before Christmas.
-February 2011: I became a small group apprentice, training to lead others and create disciples within my Fusion community. Later that month I participated in Lobby Day with StreetGrace, a partnership of local churches and community partners to lobby for legislation to protect victims of child sex trafficking and punish traffickers and johns.
-April 2011: Friends and I visited a local strip club and ministered to the beautiful, yet broken girls. I left with more hugs, tears, and prayer requests from the girls that I would have ever imagined. Also, attended the Resilent Women's conference and was introduced to the dyanmic Christine Caine, a powerhouse evangelist and advocate for suvivors in human trafficking.
-June 2011: I embarked on a 10 day mission trip to Peru to work with former street kids, trafficking survivors, and children from some of the poorest, most violent slums in the country. On Wednesday, I get to attend a panel discussion featuring Rachel Lloyd, one of my favorite advocates for victims of child sex trafficking.
This is seriously just a snapshot of the things that I have done in the past 2 years. There are too many outreaches, Fusion services, spontanteous prayers for strangers, bible studies, friendships created, leaders trained, disciples made, late night Furnace prayer sessions, supernatural encounters, missionaries supported, lives changed, to even count. Our lives are a ripple effect, touching one person, who then touches another and another. I have met so many strangers and shared the gospel with it is beyond measure. I have encouraged so many friends, strangers, and coworkers with words or just random acts of kindness, its overwhelming.
I am right where I am meant to be.
Going down memory lane is okay but I have no regrets from getting off that beaten path. None of this would have been possible had I chosen to stay in that one relationship. Being consumed with one person would have prevented me from affecting the lives of thousands with the gospel. You never know how far your reach is supposed to go when your focus is on everything but God. Thankful that He stopped time to chase me and that I had sense enough to let Him catch me.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My Delight Is In Her
Today is a girly day. One of those days were I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. Raw and exposed. Intentionally. I've come to the realization that there are some little parts of my heart that still have holes in it that I have been trying to hide from God. Stupid move because as I sometimes forget that He already knows the condition of my heart, even if I never say a word.
I am realizing that there are some issues that I thought I was whole and healed from but in all reality, I was just ignoring them. I am the Queen of ignoring something until it goes away, praying that it doesn't rear its ugly head again at the most inopportune time. But lately it has. In the form of dreams. Dreams about him. For the most part, that chapter has been written and ended and for the most part, I feel that I am completely okay with leaving the past in the past.
But God has this amazing way of bringing to the light areas of our lives that we try to hide from Him that are still a little tender to the touch. I had my moment of clarity and honesty when I let the floodgates open about how I was really feeling.
I miss him. Not the relationship, but just him. His presence in my life. I miss the security he provided. The comfort, the listening ear, the encouragement, the validation, the friendship. For so many years, he was this prominent figure in my life, in my world. Luckily when things ended, I was not left this big gaping hole. I was okay with our transition out of each life. It was needed because I needed to free myself to follow Christ, to grow up, to be rescued.
Being surrounded by courting and married couples reminds you of your single status. I'm okay with that but its hard to escape that twinge of something in your heart. Yet over the last few weeks, God has been speaking to me about issues that I have not been wanting to address out loud even though it has taken up residence in my mind.
A few weeks ago, I took Ancient Paths 2 at church. 1000% more impactful that the first class. This was the first time I heard the scripture Isaiah 62:2-4 which says:
The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
My intercessor for our group prayed this blessing over me. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and at our last Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study session, Beth mentioned again Isaiah 62:2-4. Hephzibah. This past Friday at the women's conference, Beckah Shae mentioned having a dream with the name Hephzibah. It means "my delight is in her" from Isaiah 62:4.
Its funny how I've been longing for some affection and praise from someone that God purposefully removed from my life so that He can be the one give me affection and praise. He has been saying "I delight in you" for weeks. To Him, I am a royal diadem and I have been crowned with splendor. He delights in me. I am Hephzibah. For real. All these things I have been longing for, God already promised to be that for me in the form of the Holy Spirit. John 14:16 (AMP) says:
And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever--.
My dreams about my past, the twinges in my heart, is just God trying to fill the empty spaces in my life that I pretend are not there. He can't mend what I wont let go of. Thank goodness He is patient with me because I can be stubborn and controlling and try to patch myself up when I think He isn't looking. But He is jealous for me and would rather speak to me than to let me keep nursing an open wound.
He gets me.
I am realizing that there are some issues that I thought I was whole and healed from but in all reality, I was just ignoring them. I am the Queen of ignoring something until it goes away, praying that it doesn't rear its ugly head again at the most inopportune time. But lately it has. In the form of dreams. Dreams about him. For the most part, that chapter has been written and ended and for the most part, I feel that I am completely okay with leaving the past in the past.
But God has this amazing way of bringing to the light areas of our lives that we try to hide from Him that are still a little tender to the touch. I had my moment of clarity and honesty when I let the floodgates open about how I was really feeling.
I miss him. Not the relationship, but just him. His presence in my life. I miss the security he provided. The comfort, the listening ear, the encouragement, the validation, the friendship. For so many years, he was this prominent figure in my life, in my world. Luckily when things ended, I was not left this big gaping hole. I was okay with our transition out of each life. It was needed because I needed to free myself to follow Christ, to grow up, to be rescued.
Being surrounded by courting and married couples reminds you of your single status. I'm okay with that but its hard to escape that twinge of something in your heart. Yet over the last few weeks, God has been speaking to me about issues that I have not been wanting to address out loud even though it has taken up residence in my mind.
A few weeks ago, I took Ancient Paths 2 at church. 1000% more impactful that the first class. This was the first time I heard the scripture Isaiah 62:2-4 which says:
The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
My intercessor for our group prayed this blessing over me. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and at our last Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study session, Beth mentioned again Isaiah 62:2-4. Hephzibah. This past Friday at the women's conference, Beckah Shae mentioned having a dream with the name Hephzibah. It means "my delight is in her" from Isaiah 62:4.
Its funny how I've been longing for some affection and praise from someone that God purposefully removed from my life so that He can be the one give me affection and praise. He has been saying "I delight in you" for weeks. To Him, I am a royal diadem and I have been crowned with splendor. He delights in me. I am Hephzibah. For real. All these things I have been longing for, God already promised to be that for me in the form of the Holy Spirit. John 14:16 (AMP) says:
And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever--.
My dreams about my past, the twinges in my heart, is just God trying to fill the empty spaces in my life that I pretend are not there. He can't mend what I wont let go of. Thank goodness He is patient with me because I can be stubborn and controlling and try to patch myself up when I think He isn't looking. But He is jealous for me and would rather speak to me than to let me keep nursing an open wound.
He gets me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
For The Love of Money...
I've been taking this finance class at church that give us Biblical understanding of how God sees money and the resources He entrusts us with. It has been an eye opening process to say the least. There are over 2,300 references in the Bible that speaks on money, possessions, debt and giving. God obviously has a lot to say about how me handle money and kinda knew that man would struggle in this area in the long run.
Last night in class, one of the verses we went over was Luke 16:10 which says “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." For some reason, that one verse out of all the verses we discussed stuck out to me the most. If I can be trusted with a little, then I surely can be trusted with a lot. But in reality, I haven't been that responsible when it comes to money so that's probably why God is kinda hesitant about pouring out His intended blessings on me, and rightly so.
Since last night, I have been thinking about my desired career which is counseling. I intend to using my counseling expertise to help in the after care of sex trafficking victims because that is an area that is seriously lacking. Georgia has about 60 beds available in the whole state to handle the critical after care process and we are #1 when it comes to space. That's not saying too much considering there are any where from 300-400 young girls on the streets every night. I am taking a break from school because I was getting burned out and I have so many other things on my plate with ministry work, I seriously don't have time to finish up the few classes I have left. I am stalling because I know that counselors in Atlanta don't make very much because the market is flooded with psych majors from all the universities in the area. For a while, I was a bit discouraged about investing so much money into my education for undergrad and grad school, knowing it doesn't pay off salary wise in the long run. In GA, a masters level counselor/psychologist only makes about $35K.
I realize my hesitation for finishing my grad program, the excuses, stalling, doubts about why I even persued this field was all rooted in money. Definitely a revelation for me. The Bible says in Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." I cannot be so bound to money that I follow it, instead of God.
My attitude about money is definitely changing. I am feeling the desire to actually put God first in that area and honor Him and continue on the path that pleases Him. The amount of money I make should not be my determining factor because even if I make a little, if I am faithful in handling the little I have, God will bless me with more to handle. He has a supernatural way of providing for His faithful children. He can truly make a way out of what we think is no way. I love when the pieces fall into place like this and God removes the veil from my eyes. He does have a plan for me and I am standing in the way of something great. I need to surrender my fears, thoughts, doubts, finances, career goals and desires over to Him so that He can do His thing and work everything together for my good and His glory. There is so much that I have been put here to do but I haven't been obedient in doing those things. A new day is here and a new attitude has been awakened and I am ready to see God's supernatural work happen before my eyes. I am determined to only serve Him and not money. I am determined to faithful and honest in the little that He has entrusted me with so that He can trust me with more in the future.
Last night in class, one of the verses we went over was Luke 16:10 which says “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." For some reason, that one verse out of all the verses we discussed stuck out to me the most. If I can be trusted with a little, then I surely can be trusted with a lot. But in reality, I haven't been that responsible when it comes to money so that's probably why God is kinda hesitant about pouring out His intended blessings on me, and rightly so.
Since last night, I have been thinking about my desired career which is counseling. I intend to using my counseling expertise to help in the after care of sex trafficking victims because that is an area that is seriously lacking. Georgia has about 60 beds available in the whole state to handle the critical after care process and we are #1 when it comes to space. That's not saying too much considering there are any where from 300-400 young girls on the streets every night. I am taking a break from school because I was getting burned out and I have so many other things on my plate with ministry work, I seriously don't have time to finish up the few classes I have left. I am stalling because I know that counselors in Atlanta don't make very much because the market is flooded with psych majors from all the universities in the area. For a while, I was a bit discouraged about investing so much money into my education for undergrad and grad school, knowing it doesn't pay off salary wise in the long run. In GA, a masters level counselor/psychologist only makes about $35K.
I realize my hesitation for finishing my grad program, the excuses, stalling, doubts about why I even persued this field was all rooted in money. Definitely a revelation for me. The Bible says in Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." I cannot be so bound to money that I follow it, instead of God.
My attitude about money is definitely changing. I am feeling the desire to actually put God first in that area and honor Him and continue on the path that pleases Him. The amount of money I make should not be my determining factor because even if I make a little, if I am faithful in handling the little I have, God will bless me with more to handle. He has a supernatural way of providing for His faithful children. He can truly make a way out of what we think is no way. I love when the pieces fall into place like this and God removes the veil from my eyes. He does have a plan for me and I am standing in the way of something great. I need to surrender my fears, thoughts, doubts, finances, career goals and desires over to Him so that He can do His thing and work everything together for my good and His glory. There is so much that I have been put here to do but I haven't been obedient in doing those things. A new day is here and a new attitude has been awakened and I am ready to see God's supernatural work happen before my eyes. I am determined to only serve Him and not money. I am determined to faithful and honest in the little that He has entrusted me with so that He can trust me with more in the future.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Lesson In Pride
It's a humbling experience to have God show you areas of your life that need some help. It's exciting to have people come to me for advice and a little spiritual guidance. Yet, it's prideful to think that the very advice I am giving out doesn't apply to me when I know it does.
Isaiah 57:15 has been my theme verse for the past week or so. I have referred a few people to it lately and even bogged about it. However, it wasn't until I was going through the homework for my Beth Moore "Breaking Free" study did I realize that I needed that verse more than anyone. I was dealing with pride. I thought I had my stuff together, dishing out all this advise when I was battling with God with some of my own very similar junk. He is gracious enough to humble us privately and mercifully enough to chin check us when need be.
Pride takes on so many different faces and being a ministry leader, I have to be more diligent about seeking God and not let my thrill of counseling others overshadow my obligation to seek God for wisdom and my own heart examination first. Better start checking that plank in my own eye before I start pointing out the speck in someone else's.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Free at last...
This weekend has been a world wind of emotions, revelations, conquered fears, community, and confirmation. I took the Ancient Paths seminar at church and had my world rocked. I was nervous about what to expect so little did I know, God had already prepared my heart for the very discussions that were being taught. We discussed generational curses and issues that cause our soul not to line up with God. Those are the very things I blogged about in my last two entries. I was comforted to know that I was already on the right track when it comes to ending the cycles of sin in my children and my generations to come. I was even more please with the visions and revelations God gave me when it comes to the condition of my soul.
In one of our small group sessions, our group leader asked us to prayerfully examine our hearts and reveal any areas of sin that we are still struggling with that is causing us to not be in alignment with God. I knew this was my moment to let everything in me loose and spend some time in God's presences, tears and all. As I prayed, I noticed God was extra silent while everyone around me was having revelations, repenting, crying etc. I was starting to get nervous because I figured I wasn't praying right or not listen to God right or something because surely He had a list of areas I was still jacked up in.
When I closed my eyes, God transported me back to September 9, 2009. In my mind's eye, I was at a Fusion service during the Naked series. The sermon was titled "Healing From Heartbreak" and this was maybe my 3rd Fusion service. I saw Pastor Johnson standing on the stage with a huge white light illuminating behind him. I saw myself standing in line with my little blue slip of paper that contained every sin I had committed and every instance of pain I could think of. Pastor Johnson told us to nail our sins and shame to the actual huge cross at the end of the stage and accept Christ's free gift of salvation and righteousness. I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain so I stood in line with the shaky faith that maybe He would give me a second chance. Maybe.
Believe it or not, He gave me a second chance. He gave me beauty for ashes. He gave me a new life. That night will forever be burned into my mind and heart because that was the night I seriously gave my heart to Christ. I remember feeling such freedom in those moments when I nailed my slip of paper to that cross. I remember the tears falling and me not really understanding why. I remember e-mailing Pastor Summer and thanking her for sharing her testimony and her thanking Jesus for meeting me at the cross. I didn't know what that meant then but I do now.
As I came back to reality and listened to the prayers for forgiveness from my group members, I again asked God why He showed me that night and not areas of my soul that needed mending. Just as sure as I hear my own voice when I speak, God said to me "Look at what I have already done for you. I have already set you free." He set me free when I took the leap of faith and nailed sins to the cross and allowed Him to breath life into my fragile heart. When I accepted Christ, He set me free. How awesome is that? Realizing I was not as jacked up as I thought was an amazing thing.
On the last day of the seminar, we were given the meaning of our names. Who would have known that my name means "free." Yeah, He knew what He was doing. More than anything this weekend, I learned that I am supposed to be here. I am right where I am supposed to be for such a time as this. I have a purpose and a plan for my life. I am free because He loves me.
Everything You do just screams "I love you." It really does.
In one of our small group sessions, our group leader asked us to prayerfully examine our hearts and reveal any areas of sin that we are still struggling with that is causing us to not be in alignment with God. I knew this was my moment to let everything in me loose and spend some time in God's presences, tears and all. As I prayed, I noticed God was extra silent while everyone around me was having revelations, repenting, crying etc. I was starting to get nervous because I figured I wasn't praying right or not listen to God right or something because surely He had a list of areas I was still jacked up in.
When I closed my eyes, God transported me back to September 9, 2009. In my mind's eye, I was at a Fusion service during the Naked series. The sermon was titled "Healing From Heartbreak" and this was maybe my 3rd Fusion service. I saw Pastor Johnson standing on the stage with a huge white light illuminating behind him. I saw myself standing in line with my little blue slip of paper that contained every sin I had committed and every instance of pain I could think of. Pastor Johnson told us to nail our sins and shame to the actual huge cross at the end of the stage and accept Christ's free gift of salvation and righteousness. I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain so I stood in line with the shaky faith that maybe He would give me a second chance. Maybe.
Believe it or not, He gave me a second chance. He gave me beauty for ashes. He gave me a new life. That night will forever be burned into my mind and heart because that was the night I seriously gave my heart to Christ. I remember feeling such freedom in those moments when I nailed my slip of paper to that cross. I remember the tears falling and me not really understanding why. I remember e-mailing Pastor Summer and thanking her for sharing her testimony and her thanking Jesus for meeting me at the cross. I didn't know what that meant then but I do now.
As I came back to reality and listened to the prayers for forgiveness from my group members, I again asked God why He showed me that night and not areas of my soul that needed mending. Just as sure as I hear my own voice when I speak, God said to me "Look at what I have already done for you. I have already set you free." He set me free when I took the leap of faith and nailed sins to the cross and allowed Him to breath life into my fragile heart. When I accepted Christ, He set me free. How awesome is that? Realizing I was not as jacked up as I thought was an amazing thing.
On the last day of the seminar, we were given the meaning of our names. Who would have known that my name means "free." Yeah, He knew what He was doing. More than anything this weekend, I learned that I am supposed to be here. I am right where I am supposed to be for such a time as this. I have a purpose and a plan for my life. I am free because He loves me.
Everything You do just screams "I love you." It really does.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Heart of My Father
Today has just been a day of emotions and confusion. I hate days like this because I feel like I am spending most of my time in my head and not really accomplishing anything. This is one of those days where I just kinda check out and rest so that I can get back into the fight. So many issues, feelings, and thoughts weighing on my mind that I am actually losing sleep. I have been losing the good fight with insomnia for a few weeks now and I think its finally taken its toll. You would think that I would just pray for a break through and release all these problems on God but this is one of those days where I am making the mistake of trying to deal with things on my own. I have to ask myself "How's that working for you?" knowing the answer would be "not so good."
Though I can't really muster up the energy or the faith to pray tonight, I know that God is listening to the rumbling in my heart and mind. As I sit here on my bedroom floor reflecting on my day and contemplating the content of my quarterly letter to Jesus I am about to write, I am listening to one of my favorite worship songs. The Anthem by Planet Shakers. As the music and lyrics soothe my ears and my heart, I can't help but embrace the tears that are falling. I am feeling rather emotional and girly right now. This is a night that I need the love and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it takes a worship song to pierce through all the doubt, fear, anxiety, and pride that keeps me from really hearing Him and being assured of things I already know.
Hallelujah. You have won the victory.
Hallelujah. You have won it all for me.
Death could not hold you down. You are the Risen King.
Seated in majesty. You are the Risen King.
Those words alone let me know that He hears me. He tells me that if He is the Risen King, then I am the beloved daughter of the Most High. I am the daughter of Royalty. I am His beloved, His fair one. I move His heart and He smiles at the thought of me. My name is etched in His hand in gold and He knows all the hairs on my head. He is the lover of my soul and the protector of my heart. He knitted me together in my mother's womb with love and care and He desires for me to live a life of blessing and abundance. He sacrificed His Son so that I may have the honor and pleasure of being in His presence at any moment of the day. He tells me that I can always trust Him, always depend on Him, always come to Him even in my darkest, most sinful hour. He has redeemed and cleansed me of my past and is preparing my heart and mind for a future that only He can orchestrate. He is the author of life and is penning a story so magnificent and so worthy of His beloved daughter that it brings joy to His heart. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.
He sees every little bit of effort I make for the Kingdom. He sees my heart for Him, no matter how small I think it is. He sees my passion for Him even when it is waning. He sees my desire to come to Him even in my shame. He knows my thought, He knows my heart, He knows my intention and it all makes Him happy. I have already captured His heart when I decided to die to my old ways, pick up my cross and follow Him. I've ravished His heart and He anticipates every little moment that I spend with Him. He sees me. He sees me when my faith is tested and He pulls at my heart so that I don't fall far from Him. He tells me that I move His heart just with my mere presence. I move His heart. I move the heart of the King, my Father. He sees every bit of the longing in my spirit to draw nearer to Him even when my flesh is weak. He sees the sacrifices that I make even when I don't think He notices. He is pleased and proud. He is never disappointed, angry, or sad. He tells me that I really do make Him happy. His love for me is indescribable and too beautiful for words.
Cory Asbury's worship song Do You Know The Way You Move Me brought me to tears tonight as well as The Anthem by Planet Shakers. Unfortunately, Cory's song isn't available online but luckily I found the only site that has a copy of it. It's amazing and a great reminder of the heart of our Father.
Thanks for tears tonight, my Father. I am learning to embrace them, even in your presence.
Though I can't really muster up the energy or the faith to pray tonight, I know that God is listening to the rumbling in my heart and mind. As I sit here on my bedroom floor reflecting on my day and contemplating the content of my quarterly letter to Jesus I am about to write, I am listening to one of my favorite worship songs. The Anthem by Planet Shakers. As the music and lyrics soothe my ears and my heart, I can't help but embrace the tears that are falling. I am feeling rather emotional and girly right now. This is a night that I need the love and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it takes a worship song to pierce through all the doubt, fear, anxiety, and pride that keeps me from really hearing Him and being assured of things I already know.
Hallelujah. You have won the victory.
Hallelujah. You have won it all for me.
Death could not hold you down. You are the Risen King.
Seated in majesty. You are the Risen King.
Those words alone let me know that He hears me. He tells me that if He is the Risen King, then I am the beloved daughter of the Most High. I am the daughter of Royalty. I am His beloved, His fair one. I move His heart and He smiles at the thought of me. My name is etched in His hand in gold and He knows all the hairs on my head. He is the lover of my soul and the protector of my heart. He knitted me together in my mother's womb with love and care and He desires for me to live a life of blessing and abundance. He sacrificed His Son so that I may have the honor and pleasure of being in His presence at any moment of the day. He tells me that I can always trust Him, always depend on Him, always come to Him even in my darkest, most sinful hour. He has redeemed and cleansed me of my past and is preparing my heart and mind for a future that only He can orchestrate. He is the author of life and is penning a story so magnificent and so worthy of His beloved daughter that it brings joy to His heart. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.
He sees every little bit of effort I make for the Kingdom. He sees my heart for Him, no matter how small I think it is. He sees my passion for Him even when it is waning. He sees my desire to come to Him even in my shame. He knows my thought, He knows my heart, He knows my intention and it all makes Him happy. I have already captured His heart when I decided to die to my old ways, pick up my cross and follow Him. I've ravished His heart and He anticipates every little moment that I spend with Him. He sees me. He sees me when my faith is tested and He pulls at my heart so that I don't fall far from Him. He tells me that I move His heart just with my mere presence. I move His heart. I move the heart of the King, my Father. He sees every bit of the longing in my spirit to draw nearer to Him even when my flesh is weak. He sees the sacrifices that I make even when I don't think He notices. He is pleased and proud. He is never disappointed, angry, or sad. He tells me that I really do make Him happy. His love for me is indescribable and too beautiful for words.
Cory Asbury's worship song Do You Know The Way You Move Me brought me to tears tonight as well as The Anthem by Planet Shakers. Unfortunately, Cory's song isn't available online but luckily I found the only site that has a copy of it. It's amazing and a great reminder of the heart of our Father.
Thanks for tears tonight, my Father. I am learning to embrace them, even in your presence.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Seasons Change
It's been over a week since I have posted and this past week has been non stop crazy. Been mapping out some ideas and suggestions for Fusion service teams as I transition from service teams to small group apprentice next year. That was totally God ordained and timely because the desire had been there and I was surprised that Avery, Taina, and Liz McVicker were all in agreement that it is time for me to step into that new role. I've also decided to step out on faith and take on this project of collecting donations for the women at Wellsprings Living. God put the idea on my heart earlier this year and it wasn't until seeing the Candy Shop documentary at the Fox that I decided to act on it. So far so good and luckily I am friends with enough small group leaders to help spread the word. Planning and organizing has been time consuming but so worth it if my vision comes to past. Thank you for community.
I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.
There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.
So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.
He is good.
I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.
There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.
So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.
He is good.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Accountability
Accountability equals life saver. Seriously. Since being back into the folds of Christianity after straying for YEARS, the concept of accountability has been discussed about a million times. "Get an accountability partner!" Hmm, that was always a head scratcher in the beginning because I had never heard of accountability before. Now, I don't know what I would do without it.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Iron Sharpens Iron
Tonight was truly a night to remember and a night to cherish. My small group leader, Taina, decided to host a small, intimate event for the single moms she knew. I usually don't care for single mom oriented stuff because it usually ends up being a "man bashing, I need to find a man" session. This was truly special and I am so grateful for her in so many ways.
I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.
I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.
Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.
I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?
Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.
I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.
I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.
Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.
I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?
Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
So In Love...
I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.
Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.
He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.
I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.
Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.
He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.
I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.
Monday, November 1, 2010
25 Things about Me
I would like to think I am probably one of the lamest people around. No, seriously. I think my life is rather average, nothing really exciting going on right now, pretty routine. Now do I like that? Absolutely NOT!! So ready for a change of pace, something to shake things up. So I decided to see if I can come up with 25 interesting things about me. Here goes.
1. I was born in a car. Yes, I was born in a Buick La Sabre on a hot summer day in June. My godmother, Frances Washington delivered my in the back of the car, which is why my name is Frances instead of Tamika. Kinda glad too.
2. I love burnt popcorn. I don't know if that is interesting or not but I think it's one of those quirky things people tend to keep to themselves. Whenever I make microwaved popcorn, I purposefully leave it in too long and I always have to run outside to open the bag so the house doesn't smell.
3. I am a parent who feels rather clueless some days about being a parent. I don't think I am a bad parent, but I am to the point where I can admit, I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what I am doing. Most days, I hope the kids get through the day in one piece.
4. I absolutely love Jesus. I guess this should be first but I am just going off the top of my head. I often feel pretty new to being a true follower of Christ and still feel rather wet behind the ears. My small group leader gave me the biggest boost of confidence when she suggested I be a mentor next year. Guess I am maturing in the Spirit after all.
5. I don't always trust God. Right now, me and God are not really on the best speaking terms. I'm not mad at Him and He definitely isn't mad at me. I'm just having a tough time really trusting Him to be my all. Totally my own hang up and I am working through it.
6. Some days, I get so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed...and I don't. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in 2003. Did the whole counseling and Prozac thing for a while. I do have rare times where life seems to gets the best of me and really leaves me empty. I've learned the whole mind over matter thing and now I simply turn my cares over to God. Even with all that, some days, I do just need some hours to recharge and regroup. I have realized that when I get to that point, God is really telling me to slow down. After a day of rest, I am back on the grind.
7. There are days when I miss Ryan. I am happy that he has this new chapter in his life, but I am fearful of the decisions that he makes because I know they are not always his. I know God totally spared me from him because He knew that Ryan was not His best for me and for that I am grateful. But I do miss my friend Ryan, not boyfriend Ryan. We share some of the happiest times I can remember and he was there during many of my darkest days. Part of me always thought he and I would finally get our act together and make it work but the bigger part of me knew that was not the right path.
8. I have slept with married men. There was Tyran, who I had no clue was married. He taught me that some married me do cheat and cheat often with no remorse. There was Joshua, the part of my past that still makes me smile to this day. Not the cheating part but just what we shared when we were kids. Looking back, he and I had the strongest soul tie that took the longest to break. We made the mistake of giving into temptation which was truly a once in a life time chance. And there was Maurice, again, had no clue he was married. When we met, I knew he had a girlfriend and back then, that really wasn't that big of a deal to me. Encountering him again out of the blue 2 years later, the girlfriend had been upgraded to wife. Didn't realize that until he forgot to take off his wedding ring before he came over. He was the breaking point that I brought myself to before I knew God needed to seriously intervene in my life. Haven't been with anyone since Maurice. December 28, 2010 will be one year celibate.
9. I sometimes think that I may never get married. I am always being told that God has the perfect mate for me. I should wait and be patient and keep my focus on God and my husband will find me. Patience isn't my strongest trait but I am learning how to be patient. Am I supposed to sit back and wait or am I supposed to go out and make myself available so that I can be found? I could go on and on on this one.
10. I have a fear of frogs. I mean a terrifying, panic attack inducing fear of frogs. I don't even know where this fear came from but it is absolutely ridiculous.
11. My favorite movie the world is Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Corny I know but it was the very first movie I saw in the movie theater when I was in the second grade.
12. I am a bit of a nerd. I love reading and have finally gotten my passion for writing back. I had a wicked case of writers block for 10 years so here I am. I am my own worst critic and never really think I am any good at it. Barnes and Noble is like my own little piece of Heaven on Earth.
13. I have developed a heart for sex trafficking victims and sometimes wish I could save them all. I have to remind myself that my job isn't to save the world but to help train up our Father's army to help change the world.
14. I have an absolute fear of public speaking. I do not like speaking in front of people at all. This is more of a hindrance on what I ultimately want to do in the near future which is lead a small group. God is slowly working on me to release my fear but it's a work in progress. It's funny because people think I am so social and outgoing when I really am not!
15. I secretly love to cook but usually don't have time nor budget to really cook like I want to. I am addicted to Food Network and the Cooking Channel. Unfortunately, I have picky children who would rather eat hot dogs and tacos everyday as opposed to a full meal.
16. I actually don't have very many regrets in my life. My life has been filled with heartache and triumph but I don't think I would actually trade my experiences for anyone else's.
17. I have not had sex since December 28, 2009 and I have not had a boyfriend in a year and a half. This is the longest time for both of those for me but this has been the most freeing and rewarding season in my life. Letting go of sex wasn't as hard as I thought it would be since it was already something I had detached myself from mentally a long time ago, just not physically. Not having companionship has been the hard part but that just meant I needed to learn to lean on my Savior more. Enjoying the ride.
18. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother or my grandmother. I can see how the generational curse is evident in my family and I am not quite sure how to break that. My mother has not always been the best mother and has her own demons she is battling. My grandmother has always been one for pointing out the bad in everything instead of find something good. I often thank God for softening and transforming my heart so that I don't walk in their footsteps.
19. God answer my prayers in a big way in 2006. I was pregnant with my son Aiden and I asked God to keep my great grandmother Elizabeth alive long enough so she could meet him. She wasn't ill or anything, just old. She was born in 1906, so I knew she wasn't gonna be around too much longer. I felt like, if she didn't meet Aiden, my world just wouldn't be right and I would have completely lost it. My brother, sister and I all had babies that summer. Caury was born June 9, Kameron was born August 3 and Aiden was born September 19. My great grandmother died on December 9, 2006. She got to see all of the great great grand kids before she died. I think because I know God let her hold on as long as she did, I was able to handle her death a lot better than expected.
20. I think God is calling me to work with sex abuse victims. I have always heard that your purpose can be rooted in your pain. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can see that (first time mentioning this. Wow). I sometimes wonder if I was one of the lucky ones whose life was semi-spared from the jacked up reality a lot of kids face after suffering from abuse. I was caught up in the spirit of sexual sin for years but thankfully, Christ has freed me from that strong hold as well as showing me a love that transcends all understanding. I am no different from the victims that still battle demons, just a bit more healed and renewed.
21. I don't really know if I want more kids. Having a kid at 17, then another at 25 kinda has me jaded. Real talk. I've been a parent for 12 years and after doing it alone for so long, I think I am tired. Of course this is me speaking without the thought of marriage entering the equation. If I ever get married, that tune will probably change but I would need to be reassured and convinced that we both are in for the long haul. Divorce is real and being a single mom with more kids just isn't something I am envisioning.
22. I want to be a missionary. As crazy as it sounds, I really do. Traveling to foreign countries spreading the gospel seems astounding. Never even been on one mission trip (hoping for Peru in 2011) but for some reason, I have this strong desire to be in the mission field.
23. I want to be a writer full time. I have always loved writing but being a teen mom kinda makes you be a bit more realistic with your career aspirations. I put my dream on a permanent hold and sometimes wonder if I had a different path in life, what kind of books would I have written. Now I am a lover of the mind and helping the wounded well with counseling, but I think more writing is on the horizon.
24. I absolutely love Victory World Church and Fusion. That church and that ministry have literally saved my life. I truly don't know where I would be had I not taken that leap and come to Victory. I know God is totally working in my favor to restore what has been broken and give me this amazingly abundant life. I have found some of the most amazing friends and developed a community that keeps me on my toes and just in awe of God's power.
25. I think I am a pretty good friend. My longest friendship has been going 16 years strong and Kisha and I still talk every day like we live right around the corner. I cherish my friends dearly and I am so grateful God is placing more and more people in my life to keep me grounded and sane. From the people I met in Jr. High school to the new faces I meet every week, I am grateful.
I actually didn't think I could come up with 25 things. Guess when I stopped trying to follow a formula and just started being real, I was able to be more transparent and real with myself. Blogging is so therapeutic.
1. I was born in a car. Yes, I was born in a Buick La Sabre on a hot summer day in June. My godmother, Frances Washington delivered my in the back of the car, which is why my name is Frances instead of Tamika. Kinda glad too.
2. I love burnt popcorn. I don't know if that is interesting or not but I think it's one of those quirky things people tend to keep to themselves. Whenever I make microwaved popcorn, I purposefully leave it in too long and I always have to run outside to open the bag so the house doesn't smell.
3. I am a parent who feels rather clueless some days about being a parent. I don't think I am a bad parent, but I am to the point where I can admit, I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what I am doing. Most days, I hope the kids get through the day in one piece.
4. I absolutely love Jesus. I guess this should be first but I am just going off the top of my head. I often feel pretty new to being a true follower of Christ and still feel rather wet behind the ears. My small group leader gave me the biggest boost of confidence when she suggested I be a mentor next year. Guess I am maturing in the Spirit after all.
5. I don't always trust God. Right now, me and God are not really on the best speaking terms. I'm not mad at Him and He definitely isn't mad at me. I'm just having a tough time really trusting Him to be my all. Totally my own hang up and I am working through it.
6. Some days, I get so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed...and I don't. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in 2003. Did the whole counseling and Prozac thing for a while. I do have rare times where life seems to gets the best of me and really leaves me empty. I've learned the whole mind over matter thing and now I simply turn my cares over to God. Even with all that, some days, I do just need some hours to recharge and regroup. I have realized that when I get to that point, God is really telling me to slow down. After a day of rest, I am back on the grind.
7. There are days when I miss Ryan. I am happy that he has this new chapter in his life, but I am fearful of the decisions that he makes because I know they are not always his. I know God totally spared me from him because He knew that Ryan was not His best for me and for that I am grateful. But I do miss my friend Ryan, not boyfriend Ryan. We share some of the happiest times I can remember and he was there during many of my darkest days. Part of me always thought he and I would finally get our act together and make it work but the bigger part of me knew that was not the right path.
8. I have slept with married men. There was Tyran, who I had no clue was married. He taught me that some married me do cheat and cheat often with no remorse. There was Joshua, the part of my past that still makes me smile to this day. Not the cheating part but just what we shared when we were kids. Looking back, he and I had the strongest soul tie that took the longest to break. We made the mistake of giving into temptation which was truly a once in a life time chance. And there was Maurice, again, had no clue he was married. When we met, I knew he had a girlfriend and back then, that really wasn't that big of a deal to me. Encountering him again out of the blue 2 years later, the girlfriend had been upgraded to wife. Didn't realize that until he forgot to take off his wedding ring before he came over. He was the breaking point that I brought myself to before I knew God needed to seriously intervene in my life. Haven't been with anyone since Maurice. December 28, 2010 will be one year celibate.
9. I sometimes think that I may never get married. I am always being told that God has the perfect mate for me. I should wait and be patient and keep my focus on God and my husband will find me. Patience isn't my strongest trait but I am learning how to be patient. Am I supposed to sit back and wait or am I supposed to go out and make myself available so that I can be found? I could go on and on on this one.
10. I have a fear of frogs. I mean a terrifying, panic attack inducing fear of frogs. I don't even know where this fear came from but it is absolutely ridiculous.
11. My favorite movie the world is Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Corny I know but it was the very first movie I saw in the movie theater when I was in the second grade.
12. I am a bit of a nerd. I love reading and have finally gotten my passion for writing back. I had a wicked case of writers block for 10 years so here I am. I am my own worst critic and never really think I am any good at it. Barnes and Noble is like my own little piece of Heaven on Earth.
13. I have developed a heart for sex trafficking victims and sometimes wish I could save them all. I have to remind myself that my job isn't to save the world but to help train up our Father's army to help change the world.
14. I have an absolute fear of public speaking. I do not like speaking in front of people at all. This is more of a hindrance on what I ultimately want to do in the near future which is lead a small group. God is slowly working on me to release my fear but it's a work in progress. It's funny because people think I am so social and outgoing when I really am not!
15. I secretly love to cook but usually don't have time nor budget to really cook like I want to. I am addicted to Food Network and the Cooking Channel. Unfortunately, I have picky children who would rather eat hot dogs and tacos everyday as opposed to a full meal.
16. I actually don't have very many regrets in my life. My life has been filled with heartache and triumph but I don't think I would actually trade my experiences for anyone else's.
17. I have not had sex since December 28, 2009 and I have not had a boyfriend in a year and a half. This is the longest time for both of those for me but this has been the most freeing and rewarding season in my life. Letting go of sex wasn't as hard as I thought it would be since it was already something I had detached myself from mentally a long time ago, just not physically. Not having companionship has been the hard part but that just meant I needed to learn to lean on my Savior more. Enjoying the ride.
18. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother or my grandmother. I can see how the generational curse is evident in my family and I am not quite sure how to break that. My mother has not always been the best mother and has her own demons she is battling. My grandmother has always been one for pointing out the bad in everything instead of find something good. I often thank God for softening and transforming my heart so that I don't walk in their footsteps.
19. God answer my prayers in a big way in 2006. I was pregnant with my son Aiden and I asked God to keep my great grandmother Elizabeth alive long enough so she could meet him. She wasn't ill or anything, just old. She was born in 1906, so I knew she wasn't gonna be around too much longer. I felt like, if she didn't meet Aiden, my world just wouldn't be right and I would have completely lost it. My brother, sister and I all had babies that summer. Caury was born June 9, Kameron was born August 3 and Aiden was born September 19. My great grandmother died on December 9, 2006. She got to see all of the great great grand kids before she died. I think because I know God let her hold on as long as she did, I was able to handle her death a lot better than expected.
20. I think God is calling me to work with sex abuse victims. I have always heard that your purpose can be rooted in your pain. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can see that (first time mentioning this. Wow). I sometimes wonder if I was one of the lucky ones whose life was semi-spared from the jacked up reality a lot of kids face after suffering from abuse. I was caught up in the spirit of sexual sin for years but thankfully, Christ has freed me from that strong hold as well as showing me a love that transcends all understanding. I am no different from the victims that still battle demons, just a bit more healed and renewed.
21. I don't really know if I want more kids. Having a kid at 17, then another at 25 kinda has me jaded. Real talk. I've been a parent for 12 years and after doing it alone for so long, I think I am tired. Of course this is me speaking without the thought of marriage entering the equation. If I ever get married, that tune will probably change but I would need to be reassured and convinced that we both are in for the long haul. Divorce is real and being a single mom with more kids just isn't something I am envisioning.
22. I want to be a missionary. As crazy as it sounds, I really do. Traveling to foreign countries spreading the gospel seems astounding. Never even been on one mission trip (hoping for Peru in 2011) but for some reason, I have this strong desire to be in the mission field.
23. I want to be a writer full time. I have always loved writing but being a teen mom kinda makes you be a bit more realistic with your career aspirations. I put my dream on a permanent hold and sometimes wonder if I had a different path in life, what kind of books would I have written. Now I am a lover of the mind and helping the wounded well with counseling, but I think more writing is on the horizon.
24. I absolutely love Victory World Church and Fusion. That church and that ministry have literally saved my life. I truly don't know where I would be had I not taken that leap and come to Victory. I know God is totally working in my favor to restore what has been broken and give me this amazingly abundant life. I have found some of the most amazing friends and developed a community that keeps me on my toes and just in awe of God's power.
25. I think I am a pretty good friend. My longest friendship has been going 16 years strong and Kisha and I still talk every day like we live right around the corner. I cherish my friends dearly and I am so grateful God is placing more and more people in my life to keep me grounded and sane. From the people I met in Jr. High school to the new faces I meet every week, I am grateful.
I actually didn't think I could come up with 25 things. Guess when I stopped trying to follow a formula and just started being real, I was able to be more transparent and real with myself. Blogging is so therapeutic.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
My Latest Revelation
I must admit that I am going through a rather disconnected time right now. Not sure what it's about but I think its more so me being stubborn and not being obedient to what God has already told me I need to do. My prayer life and Bible reading has kinda been on the back burner which sucks. Common sense tells me that I know the solution to my problem but oddly enough, I just can't seem to will myself to get it together. Luckily, my life isn't in shambles, spiraling out of control, but it could definitely use a spiritual tune up. I kinda think I am holding myself back because of fear, shame and guilt for various reason but that's for another post. One of those "I don't even feel like I am worthy to be in God's presence" type of hindrance. I know He loves and delights in me despite all my hang ups and sin but I am still waiting on my heart to catch up with my head.
Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.
A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.
I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.
I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.
Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.
A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.
I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.
I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Day 12: What Do You Crave?
"My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!-insatiable for your nourishing commands." Psalm 119:20 (MSG)
In early 2009, I began having this weird longing to go back to church. Now mind you, I had been in GA since 2000 and could count on one hand how many times I had been to church. Once I left Mississippi and the routine of going to church every Sunday, I started doing my own thing. I was new to the state and finding a church just was not on my radar. I would sometimes feel bad for not going to church but never convicted enough to do something about it. However, that longing, that craving, that thirst for God started to get very strong. I found myself obsessing over church websites trying to figure out where I was supposed to go but could never step out on faith and make the move. This was always when me and Ryan started having our break down in communication and in hindsight, I believe God was calling me back to Him to prepare me for the trials that were coming soon. He was still pursuing me even after living outside His will for almost a decade. He was still in love with me even when I allowed an atheist to shake what little faith and understanding I had of Him. He still desired me even when I denied Him...and then I ended up craving Him.
I still remember coming to Victory in August 2009, just a few weeks after having my first encounter with God. That overwhelming craving for God was at its peak and I didn't know what to do with it. When God spoke to me that night in July and told me that "this is not who you are." I surrendered to Him right there and that craving started to become satisfied. I was so overwhelmed with Him presence and my brokenness, that I had a panic attack. A couple of weeks later, I was at my first service at Victory and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was home and God was glad to see me.
I crave to always have that feeling of satisfaction and overwhelming presence of God but in all reality, I don't. I don't always have these supernatural experiences where God speaks clear as day or that I am just baptized in the Holy Spirit every time I call on Him. But I crave those days. I crave God's attention and affection. I long to please Him and follow His commands. I long to share His love with others. But does all of that happen on the regular? Nope, because usually my life is crowded with junk and distractions. I spend too much time worrying about "minor" issues, on the Internet, watching TV (or catching up usually), running errands, raising kids, being a friend, sister, counselor, life coach, leader, etc, that I don't always leave time for God. I worry that there is not enough hours in the day when there is plenty of time but only one of me. Even in all the chaos, God still wants His time.
I miss that season of craving God and His presence. Not that I don't long for Him now because I do desire to keep drawing closer to Him. But that overwhelming, tangible craving to be with Him is not always there. One of my main desires is to continue to grow more with Him and press forward in this spiritual journey. I have been feeling rather bored with sameness and it's because I feel stagnant. I need something, I need God. I need Him to shake things up for me, to give me boldness to speak of His love to strangers, to "step up and lead" as He has called me to do. So why haven't I done these things? Because I let other things get in the way of that passion that I should have for the King. When I am worried about the kids health, I am not trusting that He is a healer and that I should have no fear. When I am worrying about money, I am not trusting that He is a provider. When I am wasting time on foolishness, I am not giving God His glory and filling my time with things that please Him.
Wow, just had a revelation. I have needed a break from sameness and something new to do with my life. I've been asked to do some work with a friend's ministry which I am happy to do. This would be pleasing to God, this will be a way to grow with others and reach out to God's lost and hurting. My excitement and thirst to do more for the Kingdom is growing and this just might be the outlet I need to be creative and allow God to use me.
In early 2009, I began having this weird longing to go back to church. Now mind you, I had been in GA since 2000 and could count on one hand how many times I had been to church. Once I left Mississippi and the routine of going to church every Sunday, I started doing my own thing. I was new to the state and finding a church just was not on my radar. I would sometimes feel bad for not going to church but never convicted enough to do something about it. However, that longing, that craving, that thirst for God started to get very strong. I found myself obsessing over church websites trying to figure out where I was supposed to go but could never step out on faith and make the move. This was always when me and Ryan started having our break down in communication and in hindsight, I believe God was calling me back to Him to prepare me for the trials that were coming soon. He was still pursuing me even after living outside His will for almost a decade. He was still in love with me even when I allowed an atheist to shake what little faith and understanding I had of Him. He still desired me even when I denied Him...and then I ended up craving Him.
I still remember coming to Victory in August 2009, just a few weeks after having my first encounter with God. That overwhelming craving for God was at its peak and I didn't know what to do with it. When God spoke to me that night in July and told me that "this is not who you are." I surrendered to Him right there and that craving started to become satisfied. I was so overwhelmed with Him presence and my brokenness, that I had a panic attack. A couple of weeks later, I was at my first service at Victory and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was home and God was glad to see me.
I crave to always have that feeling of satisfaction and overwhelming presence of God but in all reality, I don't. I don't always have these supernatural experiences where God speaks clear as day or that I am just baptized in the Holy Spirit every time I call on Him. But I crave those days. I crave God's attention and affection. I long to please Him and follow His commands. I long to share His love with others. But does all of that happen on the regular? Nope, because usually my life is crowded with junk and distractions. I spend too much time worrying about "minor" issues, on the Internet, watching TV (or catching up usually), running errands, raising kids, being a friend, sister, counselor, life coach, leader, etc, that I don't always leave time for God. I worry that there is not enough hours in the day when there is plenty of time but only one of me. Even in all the chaos, God still wants His time.
I miss that season of craving God and His presence. Not that I don't long for Him now because I do desire to keep drawing closer to Him. But that overwhelming, tangible craving to be with Him is not always there. One of my main desires is to continue to grow more with Him and press forward in this spiritual journey. I have been feeling rather bored with sameness and it's because I feel stagnant. I need something, I need God. I need Him to shake things up for me, to give me boldness to speak of His love to strangers, to "step up and lead" as He has called me to do. So why haven't I done these things? Because I let other things get in the way of that passion that I should have for the King. When I am worried about the kids health, I am not trusting that He is a healer and that I should have no fear. When I am worrying about money, I am not trusting that He is a provider. When I am wasting time on foolishness, I am not giving God His glory and filling my time with things that please Him.
Wow, just had a revelation. I have needed a break from sameness and something new to do with my life. I've been asked to do some work with a friend's ministry which I am happy to do. This would be pleasing to God, this will be a way to grow with others and reach out to God's lost and hurting. My excitement and thirst to do more for the Kingdom is growing and this just might be the outlet I need to be creative and allow God to use me.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Day 11: Free Thinking
"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." 1 Corinthians 3:17-18 NLT
I love the fact that through Jesus, I have been set free. Free of everything. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation, freedom from the world. I still have to remind myself to stay pure in my thoughts and in my intentions so that I can remain free from the bondage of sin. I don't see movies or televisions shows the way I used to. I find myself turning from shows that have sex scenes in it and refrain from some movies all together. I was rather proud of myself for not seeing Takers because I am pretty sure it was filled with sex, drugs, and sin. Why be accepting of the very sins that Jesus died to save me from? That has been one of those eye opening revelations I have had lately. When you think of things in the world with that prospective, it makes it harder to do and view things that you once did.
I try not to make my walk with Christ a list of rules and restrictions. I sometimes get disappointed when I know I am not living up to God's expectations of me but I have to remember that I am going to fall short of God's glory...many, many times again. He doesn't expect me to be perfect which is why He supplies me with ample grace and mercy each new day. He just wants me to have pure thoughts and intentions. A clean heart and a clean mind. Free from things that can keep me bound and far from Him.
Yeah, it does suck to have to forfeit some of my favorite shows, movies, or music but the less and less I expose myself to those things, the cleaner my spirit becomes. After a while, it doesn't even bother me anymore because I know that my restraint is pleasing to my Savior. My intention is to please Him and not my flesh so the sacrifice is very much well worth it.
I know there are still areas of my life that need to be completely free from. I am still working on allowing God to be my fulfillment and not long for an Earthly companion (who doesn't!). However, I do know that me settling for anything less than God's best is not an option which I know is pleasing to Him as well. This is my period of reconstruction and molding. My "in the course of time" period with just me and Jesus. I also know I need to set myself free from thinking that I need to be in control of what happens in my life and the life of others. God has totally revealed that I cannot be any one's Savior and it's not my job to save the world. It hurts to see friends and family struggling with sin, shame and guilt but at the end of the day, my salvation is not theirs. My devotion to God is not their devotion. My testimony is not their answer. Each person has their own gift of salvation and has to answer to God for the sin and shame in their lives. My story can be a reflection of God's grace and power, but the people I encounter have to make their own decision to follow Him and to live out His commandment and turn against sin.
I look back on my life then and now and know that the shackles of sin have been removed. I am free to live under God's covering and have been giving power and authority to keep myself free and to help free others. For that I am thankful.
I love the fact that through Jesus, I have been set free. Free of everything. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation, freedom from the world. I still have to remind myself to stay pure in my thoughts and in my intentions so that I can remain free from the bondage of sin. I don't see movies or televisions shows the way I used to. I find myself turning from shows that have sex scenes in it and refrain from some movies all together. I was rather proud of myself for not seeing Takers because I am pretty sure it was filled with sex, drugs, and sin. Why be accepting of the very sins that Jesus died to save me from? That has been one of those eye opening revelations I have had lately. When you think of things in the world with that prospective, it makes it harder to do and view things that you once did.
I try not to make my walk with Christ a list of rules and restrictions. I sometimes get disappointed when I know I am not living up to God's expectations of me but I have to remember that I am going to fall short of God's glory...many, many times again. He doesn't expect me to be perfect which is why He supplies me with ample grace and mercy each new day. He just wants me to have pure thoughts and intentions. A clean heart and a clean mind. Free from things that can keep me bound and far from Him.
Yeah, it does suck to have to forfeit some of my favorite shows, movies, or music but the less and less I expose myself to those things, the cleaner my spirit becomes. After a while, it doesn't even bother me anymore because I know that my restraint is pleasing to my Savior. My intention is to please Him and not my flesh so the sacrifice is very much well worth it.
I know there are still areas of my life that need to be completely free from. I am still working on allowing God to be my fulfillment and not long for an Earthly companion (who doesn't!). However, I do know that me settling for anything less than God's best is not an option which I know is pleasing to Him as well. This is my period of reconstruction and molding. My "in the course of time" period with just me and Jesus. I also know I need to set myself free from thinking that I need to be in control of what happens in my life and the life of others. God has totally revealed that I cannot be any one's Savior and it's not my job to save the world. It hurts to see friends and family struggling with sin, shame and guilt but at the end of the day, my salvation is not theirs. My devotion to God is not their devotion. My testimony is not their answer. Each person has their own gift of salvation and has to answer to God for the sin and shame in their lives. My story can be a reflection of God's grace and power, but the people I encounter have to make their own decision to follow Him and to live out His commandment and turn against sin.
I look back on my life then and now and know that the shackles of sin have been removed. I am free to live under God's covering and have been giving power and authority to keep myself free and to help free others. For that I am thankful.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
In The Course of Time
God's timing is perfect and ours suck. Words to live by. Last night's message from Johnson was very much on point. He spoke on what to do in the time between God responses to your prayers and when He delivers on His promise. He referenced the story in 1 Samuel about Hannah longing for a child and pouring her heart out to God. Eli heard her fervent prayers and told her to go in peace and prayed that God would grant her request. She dried her eyes and ate something and was no longer sad. 1 Samuel 1:20 stated that "in the course of time" Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to Samuel. How long is in the course of time? The Bible was very vague about how much time had passed from the time she said her prayer until the time that God delivered on her request. It could have been months, years, or decades but He was faithful and His timing was perfect.
So what do we do during out "in the course of time" period? For me, I am impatient, sometimes frustrated and doubtful. Sometimes I spend those times talking at God than praying to Him with a spirit of thanksgiving and praise. I wonder "why am I still single?" or "why haven't you shown me your purpose for me?" or "why am I still enduring this issue with Ryan?" or "why do I feel stuck sometimes?" I spend so much time worrying about whether or not God is moving the way I want Him to and in my time, that I miss out on the scenery that He has provided. I had that revelation a few weeks ago when I was plagued with distractions. I was so busy focusing on what were really minor issues (Ryan and our issues) instead of focusing on major issues (focusing on showing the love of Jesus to others). The enemy is very clever when he wants to knock us off God's plan. He just throws a couple of small things in our midst and watch us panic and not keep our eyes on God and His faithfulness. He allows those of seeds of doubt to creep into our head when we are impatient about God's timing. We start to wonder "where is God" in the midst of all the chaos. But God is always right there. He has promised to never forsake us and He is definitely a man of His word.
I am learning to live in the right now and not worry so much about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I need not worry about the next stage of my life because that's all in God's hands. He reveals things to me in His own time which has always proven to be perfect. If I keep focusing what comes next, I will miss all the glorious things that He has laid before me right now. I need to use this "in the course of time" period to stay committed to Him and uplifting His Kingdom. Maintain my servant's heart and not miss out on opportunities to share His love because I am too busy focusing on the finish line. God is always at my side. I might not feel His presence but I know He has not left me. In a time of crisis or in a time of joy, He is still worthy or praise.
Slow down and smell the roses.
So what do we do during out "in the course of time" period? For me, I am impatient, sometimes frustrated and doubtful. Sometimes I spend those times talking at God than praying to Him with a spirit of thanksgiving and praise. I wonder "why am I still single?" or "why haven't you shown me your purpose for me?" or "why am I still enduring this issue with Ryan?" or "why do I feel stuck sometimes?" I spend so much time worrying about whether or not God is moving the way I want Him to and in my time, that I miss out on the scenery that He has provided. I had that revelation a few weeks ago when I was plagued with distractions. I was so busy focusing on what were really minor issues (Ryan and our issues) instead of focusing on major issues (focusing on showing the love of Jesus to others). The enemy is very clever when he wants to knock us off God's plan. He just throws a couple of small things in our midst and watch us panic and not keep our eyes on God and His faithfulness. He allows those of seeds of doubt to creep into our head when we are impatient about God's timing. We start to wonder "where is God" in the midst of all the chaos. But God is always right there. He has promised to never forsake us and He is definitely a man of His word.
I am learning to live in the right now and not worry so much about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I need not worry about the next stage of my life because that's all in God's hands. He reveals things to me in His own time which has always proven to be perfect. If I keep focusing what comes next, I will miss all the glorious things that He has laid before me right now. I need to use this "in the course of time" period to stay committed to Him and uplifting His Kingdom. Maintain my servant's heart and not miss out on opportunities to share His love because I am too busy focusing on the finish line. God is always at my side. I might not feel His presence but I know He has not left me. In a time of crisis or in a time of joy, He is still worthy or praise.
Slow down and smell the roses.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Getting Prepared
So for the past couple of days I have been obsessing with recipes. Weird I know. I do enjoy cooking at times, but over the years, it has become more of a chore than something fun and exciting. But oddly enough, I have been obsessed with cooking and trying new dishes. I've been pulling out old cookbooks, surfing food websites and blogs, you name it. So not like me. While looking for recipes, I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of needing to be prepared. Needing to have my arsenal of meals and dishes in my head, ready at a moments notice.
Another oddity: coupons and budgets. Now, I am not a coupon clipper by any means. I remember watching my mom clip coupons for hours on Sundays and then organize them in her little plastic accordian looking holder. Never thought it was worth the effort. Now, I am fasinated by the stragies and the amazing amount of savings if you know how to do them right. Budgets have usually equated to me making sure my check can stretch until the next check comes with no surprises. Now, I fret over savings accounts, cutting costs and getting the most bang for my buck. This being an adult thing is no joke.
I think God is preparing me. Not quite sure for what but these new found interests that seem to have come over night kinda give me peace and comfort. The same peace and comfort I get when I am obedient to what He would have me do. I am actually beyond excited about making this Mexican cheese dip and guacamole for Taco Tuesday (a weekly tradition in my home). Never been this excited for Taco Tuesday!
Another oddity: coupons and budgets. Now, I am not a coupon clipper by any means. I remember watching my mom clip coupons for hours on Sundays and then organize them in her little plastic accordian looking holder. Never thought it was worth the effort. Now, I am fasinated by the stragies and the amazing amount of savings if you know how to do them right. Budgets have usually equated to me making sure my check can stretch until the next check comes with no surprises. Now, I fret over savings accounts, cutting costs and getting the most bang for my buck. This being an adult thing is no joke.
I think God is preparing me. Not quite sure for what but these new found interests that seem to have come over night kinda give me peace and comfort. The same peace and comfort I get when I am obedient to what He would have me do. I am actually beyond excited about making this Mexican cheese dip and guacamole for Taco Tuesday (a weekly tradition in my home). Never been this excited for Taco Tuesday!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 7: Removing the Mask
"Watch yourselves carefully so you don't get contaminated with Pharisee yeast, Pharisee phoniness. You can't keep your true self hidden forever; before long you'll be exposed. You can't hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can't whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public" Luke 12:1-3
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Really Do Make You Happy, God
It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
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