Desires of My Heart

I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.

I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.

I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.

I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.

From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.

I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.

Accountability

Accountability equals life saver. Seriously. Since being back into the folds of Christianity after straying for YEARS, the concept of accountability has been discussed about a million times. "Get an accountability partner!" Hmm, that was always a head scratcher in the beginning because I had never heard of accountability before. Now, I don't know what I would do without it.

Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.

I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.

My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.

So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.

I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.