A Covenant In The Making

I spent a few hours with my lovely friend and spiritual sister, Jillian, tonight. She is preparing for wedding next month and I couldn't be more happy for her. I remember meeting her for the first time at La Madeline at our first small group meeting of 2010. Though kinda shy and reserved in the beginning, our random trip to crash the youth ministry's spring break conference sealed our friendship thanks to a little baptism of the Holy Spirit. We have shared stories, trials, triumphs and wisdom along the way. My heart just smiles at the thought that she will be united in a God anointed covenant marriage with God's absolute best for her.

The anticipation of the pending marriages of couples that honored God through out their relationships are so much more intense and spiritually driven. The atmosphere is different and the expectations for God to move during that time is so much greater. For couples that did not honor God in their relationship by having sex outside of marriage or not submitting to His will usually have a ceremony that is centered around them. For couples that remained pure, sought wise counsel, entered into a godly courtship, had accountability, and allowed God to be in the center of it have a ceremony that gives God honor and glory. The day is not about celebrating the couple so much as it is about celebrating the amazing goodness of God.

In our conversation tonight, I remembered running across a blog entry from my FAVORITE photographer Ross Oscar Knight about this awesome Christian couple that he photographed for their engagement and wedding. Robert and Tia have a beautiful story about wedding preparation and just the magnificent blessing that is released to others when they witness what a covenant marriage looks like (I don't want to ruin it so just read for yourself). Jillian was thrilled to hear about all that happened because of Robert and Tia's faith in God and wanted to do something similar. After running it by her fiancee' Keith (who called while I was there to pray with her over the phone like they do every night...love that), he was on board.

God is such a God of order. I love how He puts things together in such an intricate and precise way, it blows my mind. Ross and his wife Brandi are Christians and he unashamedly attributes everything that he is to his faith in God. I discovered his work some years ago when a proposal he photographed went viral and I was emailed the link. I have been a fan since then. Last year, he hosted a contest for a free engagement photo shoot to a deserving engagement couple and I nominated my friends Elsy and Alvaro. Low and behold, Elsy and Alvaro were picked and had a great session. This is by far my favorite picture of them:



This time around, a random blog from Ross's site I remembered seeing almost a year ago, has inspired my Jillian as well. I am excited to be apart of the planning and execution of this part of the preparation because I had been wondering what it was that could do to bless my amazing friends. God works everything out according to His will and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Think Before You Leap

I was listening to one of the local popular morning radio shows this morning on the way to work. I usually have a CD playing or riding in silence (my only bit of quiet time in my hectic days) so it must have been a fluke that I was listening.

Anyway, the show brought a listener into the studio to get some feedback on her current marital situation. I didn't catch the begining but was able to figure out what this poor newlywed bride Joanne was going through with her husband Jason. Her husband is currently in New York training and interviewing for jobs in the investment banking field. Joanne is still in Atlanta alone. Due to the high demands of his training, he often goes days without talking with Joanne. This is their first year of marriage so to be separated and lacking communication is adding stress to their situation.

To make matters worse, once he secures a job, they will be moving to New York for about 3-5 years where they have no friends or family. Jason is former military and Joanne admitted that her fear of having to be separated from him due to deployment prompted him to leave that career behind, go back to school for finance and enter a more lucrative career in investment banking. Joanne also admitted that as loving and wonderful as her husband is, he does have a pattern of putting military, school, and now investment banking first above her feelings. What stuck out to me the most was when she tearful said that she finally realized she married her father. Her father worked so much that he missed her growing up and that's never what she wanted in a husband.

Heartbreaking.

I love the institution of marriage and all that it stands for in the eyes of God. It saddens me when people get married and on the other side of "I Do" they realize they are on different pages about a lot of things. Some of the best marriage advice I have ever gotten was from a married friend of mine that said being married doesn't fix your problems, it only amplifies them. Joanne is realizing that she got married knowing that her husband puts career first. She was silent in making her need to know that she is the main priority out of fear of sounding insecure and ungrateful. To Jason, getting a great job as an investment banker would allow his wife to never have to work again while Joanne would rather both make less money and still have her husband home for dinner every night. She has insecurities that stem from her workaholic father that she never dealt with as an adult. In turn, her husband is now suffering for damage done years ago.

This all reminds me of why Pastor Johnson stresses the importance of courting with a purpose. Both people need to be on the same path, heading in the same direction. If she wants to be a missionary in China while he wants to be a teacher in Montana, clearly there are going to have to be some compromises made or it won't work. Joanne wants her husband present and accounted for while his main focus is providing for his family despite the sacrifices. I understand that life happens, circumstances change, and the vision may need to be tweaked at some point. Yet, somethings should be dealt with (insecurities, past hurts, priorities) should be addressed before the vows are exchanged. Marriage is tough enough as it is.

It's easier to just think about what you are getting yourself into before you leap into something that you didn't plan for. Woman make the mistake of hoping marriage makes to red flags we tried to ignore while dating, go away for good. It doesn't. I have seen too many of my married friends bring baggage to the feet of their new wives or husbands expecting them to clean up the mess someone else made. God gives us wisdom and discernment for a reason. He speaks to us even when we are too stubborn to listen to Him warn of us of pending danger. He allows us to make mistakes that He would have rather we didn't, all for the sake of us leaning on Him to pull us out of our own pit of dispair.

Think before you leap. Marriage is a lasting covenant. Don't bring extra baggage along for the ride.

The Idol of Marriage

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33. Words to live by.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about idols and single Christian women who desire to be married. Don't know why because most days, I really don't think much about getting married. I try my best to live out the whole Matthew 6:33 thing. I know me well enough to know that if I put too much focus on relationships, marriage or even my present single state, those thoughts will take off like an unmanned trained, guaranteed destruction.

In this day and age, being a single Christian woman is kinda tough. We are bombarded with various how to guides on how to stay pure, stay focused on God, being the best you, enjoying your single life, preparing to be a wife, not settling for anything less than God's best, yada yada yada. We listen to the sermons, we pray, we fast, we serve, we do missions work, we tithe, we flee from sin, we stay pure. And we wait.

And wait. And wait some more. Before you know it, all of your single friends are now married women. Except you. You wonder if you didn't pray enough, was I not diligent enough in seeking God, was I not pretty enough, smart enough. You start to doubt yourself, start to wonder if God has forgotten about you. You hold on to some glimmer of faith whenever a man compliments you, that maybe he is the one. Before you know it, you are consumed with the idea of being in a relationship that will lead to that happily ever after. You dress to impress the opposite sex more, you become more availble by forgoing things you used to enjoy, you compromise for the sake of affection. Anything that will bring you closer to those wedding bells that you know you rightly deserve.

You worship the idol of marriage.

Having that marriage covenant becomes more important that the most important covenant, our covenant with our Savior. It saddens me when I see women I know compromise get so engrossed in finding the one that they don't allow God to prepare them to be the one worth finding. They have become impatient and feel like they have to take matters into their own hands when it comes to finding a husband.

God created the universe so I am pretty sure he doesn't need my help finding me a husband.

Exodus 20:3 says that we should have no other gods before Him. Even the idol of marriage.

One of my favorite bloggers, Shellie R. Warren penned a heart felt "Letter to My Single Daughters from God. My favorite portion of the letter says:

Again, don’t concern yourself about the time. I am timeless. Concern yourself instead with remaining in my hands so that I can perfect you to be all that he needs--- so that when it’s the right moment, there will be no fear, no hesitation, no question that you are indeed the one that he is meant to live out the rest of his days on the earth with. Far too many women are not praised on their wedding day by their husbands in the way I would’ve liked because they did not allow me the opportunity to complete them to be what was required, and the man was not discerning enough to know the true purpose that his companion was meant to serve in his life.

Wait for His best. Don't settle. Don't compromise. Keep the Kingdom first. God will take care of the happily ever after. He doesn't need our help.

What Are You Waiting For?

I have been pondering this question for several days after running across a Christian blog. "What are you waiting for?" Simple enough yet so complex. The answer to that question as well as "What is a wife?" started weighing even more heavily in my mind that I felt like I needed to share it with some of my single friends. With this being a season of preparation, it would almost be selfish to not share these revelations with others that may be preparing themselves as well.

What am I waiting for? As single Christian women, we are told that we are to wait on our husbands. Not in the "sit around and wait for him to fall out of the sky" theory, but more of a "be patient and let God prepare you and your husband for the time He would have you meet." The whole waiting game is totally up for debate depending on who you ask. For me, as faithful as God has been to me when I finally decided to yield to His direction, I would say He is pretty faithful in the marriage arena too.

So what am I waiting for? A husband. Yeah we got that, but what kind of husband? Any woman can get married to a man and have a husband and then her wish is fulfilled. But I don't think God wants me to just have a husband. I believe He wants to grant me the desires of my heart according to His will which means I need to know what it is I am waiting for. I need to know what kind of husband I am waiting for so I don't settle for just anyone for the sake of having a husband. Too many people have made that mistake.

I've never been one to make the ceremonial list of qualifications for my future husband to possess. I've scoffed at women that did, usually because those lists were filled with such superficial nonsense, it was worth laughing at. But, they did have it right. They had a list of what they were looking for and things that they would not compromise on. It makes sense to know what it is you are looking for so if by chance I meet someone (or progress more with someone I have already met), I will have my criteria ready to hold up to see if he is someone even worth entertaining.

The same would go for me as a wife as well. If I am putting so much emphasis on the type of husband I am looking for, I am sure he is putting emphasis on the type of wife he is looking for. So I am sure this is why God wants me to figure out what a wife is. Do I know my role as a wife? Do I know how God sees a wife? Have I become someone worthy finding? Proverbs 31 is the ideal wife. She is hard to measure up to, but not impossible.

Looks like I have some work to do. Another interesting assignment that I am finally getting around to accomplishing.

Change of Heart

It is no secret that I desire to be married. In all honesty, I do believe God has placed me in a season of preparation to be a wife, but I am feeling a bit weird about it. Last year, God woke me up in the middle of the night with this one question, "What is a wife?" It's been almost a year since that question popped into my head. I think I have been shying away from answering that question because of the weight of seriousness I place on the role of a wife. Women get married every day but not every woman is prepared to be a wife. Once the glitz and the euphoria of the wedding day end, reality of the new role of wife set in. I never really think I am prepared for a new season that God places me in but He always knows what's best and is not afraid to challenge me. It might be time to start working on my "wife" assignment.

Some of the best wife preparation advice I have heard was from a married woman at church that I admire. She sympathized with some of us single gals in our desire to be paired with the one God has for us because not long ago, she was in our same situation. However, when she looked at the role of wife and the importance of marriage from God's perspective and compared it to her life at that time, she knew she wasn't prepared. When I look at my life today, I know I am not prepared to be a help mate.

But God is changing my heart. And in the most interesting and funny ways. I haven't been in a relationship in over a year and a half which is my longest bout of singleness ever. Totally my choice because I knew I needed to get guys out of my system for a season or two. It wasn't until recently that I actually started to notice guys again. I mean notice them in a sense that I would actually like to get to know them better when before I wouldn't even entertain the idea. I have become more and more transparent with my desire to be married and starting to really sit back and observe the inner workings of marriages from couples I admire. From Kat and Reggie, Dede and Avery and Quiana and Dexter, God has surrounded me with some fabulous examples of marriages that He is truly proud of. I have had the pleasure of seeing the rewards of couples that courted and honored God in the relationships before marriage and the benefits of it. I have even caught myself watching the cheesy wedding shows on WE and TLC. I have never envisioned having some over the top, budget busting show case for one day so those shows have never really appealed to me. But I am warming up to the idea that though the focus should be on the marriage, the celebration of the wedding day can be a big deal too and should be enjoyed by family and friends.

God definitely has a plan for our futures and He does hear the prayers that we whisper to Him. I have desired to be married and have made it known to Him so now is not the time to stick my head in the sand because of fear. I tend to get jaded at the idea of marriage because of so many unhappy and broken marriages that I have seen over the years. My parents were never married so growing up I never had an example of what a functional relationship let alone a marriage was supposed to look like. I sometimes feel like I am at a disadvantage because of that. But My Father is an amazing example of love, devotion, commitment, security, leadership, purpose and everything that a husband should possess. He is my blueprint and the husband that He has for me knows that as well. He desires for me to have His best and His best has already been chosen. We are both in our preparation seasons, allowing God to continue preparing our hearts and minds to meet each other. This will be an interesting season for sure.

Desires of My Heart

I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.

I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.

I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.

I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.

From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.

I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.

I Really Do Make You Happy, God

It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.

A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.

My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.

So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.

This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."

Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.

I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.

I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.

The Price of Love

For a while now, I have had families on my mind. I noticed that families around me were crumbling, foundations shook loose, marriages tested. I know I have experienced attacks in my own family but my troubles seem to pale in comparison to the troubles others are experiencing. I thank God for His favor over my household, but I pray for His holy anointing on those around me.

LOVE. It's what everyone in the world is searching for. Single people are looking for someone to love them. Married people are looking for someone new to love. Children are crying out for attention and love from their parents. But God is love. So what's the problem?

I have realized that people are searching for a tangible love. Sure many of us know that God loves us like crazy but we still desire that tangible, here on Earth kind of love to keep us warm at night. The kind of love that makes us laugh, takes us out on the town, shares a meal or coffee with, make plans for the future type of love. We go to great lengths to find that love and even greater lengths to hold on to that love.

I sit and swap stories and ideas with my single friends about love and relationships and we are all usually on the same page. We are looking for godly men who are strong in their faith and walking out their purpose. I always quote Meredith Grey and say I want a man who is already "whole and healed." I envision God providing me with a leader, not a leader in training. Someone who can balance life and the church, while keeping God in the center of everything. Someone that will challenge me and keep me going after God. It amazes me how my criteria for men has changed over the years. It has gone from superficial non sense to character, personality, faith and purpose requirement. God has removed the veil to show me the traits that should mean the most, traits that don't lose value over time.

So why don't other people search for the traits that define a person instead of what they get at face value? Why do so many people pay such a high price for the sake of love?

If I haven't learned anything else of value over the past year of my journey with Christ, I've learned that you cannot love someone without understand how God loves each of us. God's love for us is the blue print, the standard. The longing feelings and desires for love that we feel are usually a void that is in our hearts that needs to be filled. Many of us go from man to man or woman to woman trying to fill that void that only God can fill. He is our living water, He is love. When I finally stop looking for love and allowed God's love to fill that empty space, my thirst was finally satisfied. My longing ended. But for some that's not enough.

Too many people are still searching for love, still trying desperately to hold on to what they think is love, sacrificing so much of themselves to maintain love. It's sad and it's not what God intended for us. Usually when my longings appear, that means I am not spending enough time having God pour out His love into my heart. I am not aligned with God, who is love. When I get my walk with God back on track, I no longer have that desire to seek out something that is already there. When relationships or marriages get rocky, people turn to someone else to fulfill that need that is missing. They are not in alignment with God and the enemy finds his way in. Marriages fail everyday because someone is longing for love. People stay in unhealthy relationships because they holding on so tight. People are so afraid of being alone, they compromise God's word for the sake of love. They trade God's truth with their own personal agenda. Such a high price to pay for love.

1 John 4:8 says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." If God is not your main source of love, the you don't know love and you don't know God like you should. If you are compromising your morals and the Bible's instructions in order to get or maintain love, you've already lost. God's love heals, redeems, transforms, sustains. Anything outside of Him is just like trying to catch air in a net; it will always slip through the cracks. Let God's love be your first love. Let His love be your main source of love and understanding. Let everything else be an addition to the love that He firmly plants in your heart.

Thanks for Everything Ex Boyfriends!

Today has definitely been interesting to say the least. Over lunch, a friend and I had a light hearted talk about what we think men want. Obviously, we are doing everything wrong since we are both single. So my friend and I compared notes. Of the friends and associates that we have that have boyfriends or are married, they seem to have a common theme: long hair, dress to the 9s daily (heels included), they do not cook, clean, and they usually manage to appear needy (I need my light bill paid), of course they don't own anything, have no aspiration past where they are, drama filled (busting windows out of cars), live in the hood and stay away from church (cause men don't want church going women).

Yeah, that is soooo not me. I've cut my hair off; I dress for comfort, not attention; I cook; clean; manage to pay my bills every month; aspire for absolute greatness; so not about the drama; live in the suburbs; and am very faithful to my church. Sounds like I will be alone...at least by the world's standards.

We ran this list by a co-worker who has never had trouble in the men department and she basically confirmed our list. Men say they want independence, intelligence, tenacity, spirituality...but settle for everything but. Hmmmm. Men...really? Help a girl out.

Why has life gotten to this point? Why do women have to dumb it down in order for a man to show interest? Is that really what women want? Women, do you really want a man you have to always pretend you are less than your best around? Yeah, the pickings of straight men in Atlanta are slim to none but this only makes it just that much worse.

My response to all the craziness I cause on Facebook this afternoon...thank you to all my ex boyfriends! Yep, a big thanks for either breaking my heart and for every lesson I learned about myself, men and life...and how God fixed all of that.

Every relationship I have ever been in has taught me something. Either what to do, what not to do, what men like, what I like and what neither of us like. That was my measuring stick to navigate with my next relationship. What was I thinking? If I had learned so much, I would have been married and divorced a few times based on my track record with men. It's not so much what I learned then, it's what God has revealed to me at this junction of my life that needs to be removed from my thinking.

Case in point:

Thank you Chris S. for introducing me to sex far too early in life. You were the first guy of many that I somehow allowed myself to believe that if I have sex with you as often as you wanted, you would love me the way I needed in return. Such a lie of the enemy that took me until this time last year to realize.

Thank you Joshua for capturing my heart and being my friend above all else. You allowed me to be vulnerable and broken in your presence and you guarded me with all you could. You never took advantage of my weak moments and you etched a place in my heart that no one has ever been able to match. You were rough on the outside but truly had a heart of gold. You set the bar high.

Thank you Tyran for opening my eyes to the fact that married men do cheat...a lot! I know I was not the first nor the last but you made me really start to think about what it is I believe in when it came to marriage. You showed me what not to do and God showed me His purpose and view of marriage.

Thanks you Shawn for showing me how lost I was in the world and how desperate I was for God's love when I was waiting for you to fill that void. You showed me the ugly side of the enemy's perversion and how easy it is to buy into his broken promises. I allowed myself to do and say things that were so foreign to me, I literally lost who I was in you, just to have you near me. Thank you for understanding my need to leave it all behind.

Thank you Ryan for making me grow up and refuse to settle for less than I know I deserved, even before I knew it. Yeah the honeymoon phase was great but the red flags were there from the start. You showed me how to ignore the obvious, what low self esteem in men looked like, what a co-dependent relationship looked like, and how dysfunctional a relationship can get over time no matter how much we love each other. It was in all the chaos that I realized that route was not meant for me so I walked away, despite my heart wanting to stay. It was in that chaos, that God spoke to my heart and saved me from a path of destruction that would take me far from Him. It was in all that chaos that God ignited a passion for Him that man cannot match. God showed me what a man lead by God looks and acts like. God downloaded His perfect match into my heart and mind, and you do not fit that list. You taught me that change does happen, but we sometimes have to hit rock bottom before we allow God to scoop us up and dust us off. Thanks for allowing me to hit rock bottom.

I like my short hair and that I live in the safety of the suburbs with my nice lawns and good schools. I love my church and I love that I can dress up when I want but don't feel like I have to dress up for attention. I love that I love me cause God showed me how to love me. He loves me past sexual immorality, the desperation, the brokenness, the loneliness, the sin and the shame. He still shines me up from time to time cause I still fall in the dirt, but I'm OK with letting Him have my dirt. He makes everything glorious, even me. Even you. The world is going to tell me everyday that I am not good enough or pretty enough to find a mate or to even function in this world. Good thing I have a Father who likes to shield me from the lies and loves on me constantly. He makes sure I know that I am loved and that I do not have to search for it, it's already mine. My worth is not measured by the world's standards, but in the eyes of my Father who loves me to pieces, dirty and all.

Ladies, thank your exes, and allow God to love you like crazy. He spared you from some train wreck relationships and marriages that He never intended for you to be caught in anyway. He's putting the finishing touches on the one He wants for you and still shining you up in the meantime.



http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-thanks-for-everything-ex-boyfriends/