I must say that I am truly blessed with some amazing friends and an AMAZING God who divinely orchestrates my life. My mind is still reeling a bit from the way God has moved over the last few days. He never ceases to amazing me and no matter how many times He shows Himself faithful and loving, it has me in awe like its our first encounter.
Last week, I came face to face with my financial situation (working to pay off debt...slow process) and I was feeling a bit discouraged. Being a single mom makes you very aware of the amount of pennies you having coming in and out and how sometimes there is a huge gap in between. I worry about money (I know God does not give me a spirit of fear, but I am working on that) quite often and several facets of my life and future hinge on money. School is on hold right now because I am questioning whether or not counseling is the most viable career option since the pay stinks even though its something I love to do. Missions is something I want to do more of but again, money is always my biggest concern. I could go on and on.
However, God kinda checked me a few weeks ago and reminded me that money should not be the root of my decision making. He is the ultimate provider and no matter how much or how little money I make, my family will always be taken care of. He has the tendency to do some amazing supernatural stuff so I don't know why I sometimes doubt Him. So here I was last week, staring at my future on a piece of paper and I decide enough was enough. No more worry, no more stress, just a complete surrender to God to let Him take over and guide me.
A couple of days later, I got a semi hysterical call from a close friend who had just had the greatest epiphany from God that changed her life completely. She finally realized that her high powered six figure salary meant nothing if she was missing out on her family and actually doing God's will. She planned to quit her job soon and pursue what makes her happy. She was experiencing the total freedom that comes when you obey God. Just a few minutes later, I got a call from another friend that is barely making ends meet and its stressing her to no end. Because I was in a place of complete surrender to God about my own money woes, I allowed the Holy Spirit to speak through me calmly and confidently about God's view on money, His desire to provide and the first steps she needs to take to get back on track. Yeah, I was shocked at myself. After I took some time to process both phone calls, I realized God was giving me a view of life from two different prospectives. He showed me the freedom and joy my life can have when I surrender my worries to Him just like my first friend did. He also showed me the bondage that I would remain in if I decided to continue to try to figure life out on my own and not allow Him to help like my other friend is.
I would much rather have my freedom and joy in a beautiful and humble surrender to Him.
In that one morning, I was finally at a place where I was not worried about money. Worrying wont solve my problem so why waste the energy. I am sure God was standing over me saying "Finally! I thought you would never catch on." Amazing things happen when you surrender your worries to God. He starts to move in your life in crazy ways. Usually the problems we have stem from us being in the way of what God wants to do in our lives. A friend had to remind me that I am standing in the way of God doing some amazing things because I am still trying to figure out how I am going to make things work out. But like the Bible says, God makes all things work together for the good of those who believe in Him. Once, I decided to fully surrender, it wasn't even a full week that went by when I was presented with the most radical blessing. It's kinda still blowing my mind but I know it is absolutely God ordained. I won't go into details but God has used my friends to show me that when you surrender your burdens to Him, He will definitely make things work together for the good of those who believe in Him.
A beautiful and worthy surrender indeed.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
God Sized Dreams
God has an amazing way of using our weakness to empower us. Just like 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” This past Wednesday at Fusion, Pastor J talked about going to God with huge God size prayers. Prayers, visions and desire that will seriously take a move of God to accomplish. Desires that if God didn't come through, they would not happen. He inspired us by telling us a story about a vision he got late last year. God told him to give away $10,000. Only problem was, he didn't have $10,000 to give away and it would be close to impossible to save up that money any time soon. He and his wife prayed and diligently sought God, knowing that if He didn't make a miracle happen, that $10,000 wasn't going to happen. Some weeks later, they received a check in the mail from his wife's former job. It was stock that they had purchased about 6 years earlier that they had forgotten about. The amount of the check: $10,000.
God sized desire with God sized faith.
I sometimes feel like I am the most ill equipped person to certain things, even when I know I am more than capable of doing them. Yeah, that's me getting in my own way, not always wanting the spot light on me because of the potential for criticism if it's not done in excellence. I know where my strengths lie and I also know where my many weaknesses lie. I can recall a few times where I called on God to do what I thought was impossible. Something that would seriously take a move of God to do. Jumbo sized faith for it to come to pass. And it did. Every time.
So why don't I have those God sized prayers on a regular basis? Why do I put limits on what He can do when nothing is impossible for God? Why am I not have those soul stirring, pulling at the hem of His garment, totally faith dreams and visions for the Kingdom?
I am learning to take the cap off the jar I try to put God's power in so that it makes sense in my own mind. He works in the supernatural and can do things that will leave my brain like mush if I try to rationalize it. He wants us to dream big so that He can show us how infinite He is. He wants us to have jumbo sized desires so that He can get the glory in the end. We need big dreamers for the Kingdom of God because the world we live in needs to see something radical before they realize that He is real.
Time to think outside the box. Time to get out of our own way. Time to knock the dust off those dreams and visions we once thought were impossible. We need to cry out in faith for God to come through and pull off the impossible. I am sure God is anxious to show Himself to us. We just need to ask for it in total faith.
We need to fan the flames of desire for an encounter with Him. We need to be passionate about things of God and His Kingdom. We need our souls stirred up, our faith reaffirmed, our hearts set ablaze so that we can strive for the impossible for us and the possible for Him.
"Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain and I can't control. I want more of you God. I want more of you God."
God sized desire with God sized faith.
I sometimes feel like I am the most ill equipped person to certain things, even when I know I am more than capable of doing them. Yeah, that's me getting in my own way, not always wanting the spot light on me because of the potential for criticism if it's not done in excellence. I know where my strengths lie and I also know where my many weaknesses lie. I can recall a few times where I called on God to do what I thought was impossible. Something that would seriously take a move of God to do. Jumbo sized faith for it to come to pass. And it did. Every time.
So why don't I have those God sized prayers on a regular basis? Why do I put limits on what He can do when nothing is impossible for God? Why am I not have those soul stirring, pulling at the hem of His garment, totally faith dreams and visions for the Kingdom?
I am learning to take the cap off the jar I try to put God's power in so that it makes sense in my own mind. He works in the supernatural and can do things that will leave my brain like mush if I try to rationalize it. He wants us to dream big so that He can show us how infinite He is. He wants us to have jumbo sized desires so that He can get the glory in the end. We need big dreamers for the Kingdom of God because the world we live in needs to see something radical before they realize that He is real.
Time to think outside the box. Time to get out of our own way. Time to knock the dust off those dreams and visions we once thought were impossible. We need to cry out in faith for God to come through and pull off the impossible. I am sure God is anxious to show Himself to us. We just need to ask for it in total faith.
We need to fan the flames of desire for an encounter with Him. We need to be passionate about things of God and His Kingdom. We need our souls stirred up, our faith reaffirmed, our hearts set ablaze so that we can strive for the impossible for us and the possible for Him.
"Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain and I can't control. I want more of you God. I want more of you God."
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Celebrate Jesus
It has been quite a crazy couple of weeks since I last posted because I have been crazy busy. I decided to take on a donation drive for Wellspring Living, a local non profit that helps former sex trafficking victims get the help they need. I thought of this earlier in the year but never did anything with it. After seeing The Candy Shop documentary, I was compelled to do something, anything.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Helpless...
Some days I have to remind myself that I don't have a huge S on my chest, nor do I don a cape when I leave the house. I do not possess super human strength or can leap tall building in a single bound. I cannot solve every crisis in 22 minutes on a TV show and there are not always happy endings. I'm just one person, standing with my faith in My Father and the promise that He makes all things work together for our good.
I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.
You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.
1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.
I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.
I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.
You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.
1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.
I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.
Desires of My Heart
I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Iron Sharpens Iron
Tonight was truly a night to remember and a night to cherish. My small group leader, Taina, decided to host a small, intimate event for the single moms she knew. I usually don't care for single mom oriented stuff because it usually ends up being a "man bashing, I need to find a man" session. This was truly special and I am so grateful for her in so many ways.
I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.
I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.
Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.
I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?
Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.
I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.
I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.
Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.
I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?
Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Faith
One of the most powerful words I know of besides Jesus, is faith. Faith is a trust in things that are unseen. It is by faith that we are saved in Jesus Christ. None of us here on Earth now have every seen Jesus, but it is our faith in His life, death, and resurrection that frees us from sin and condemnation. It is by faith alone that we are given the gift of salvation. Strong stuff.
Our faith or lack there of can make or break us. I believe that society's lack of faith in God is what is destroying our nation and our world. People kill themselves each and every day because they lacked the faith to know that God will bring them out of their temporary situation. People give up hope because they believe that God has forgotten about them. One set back can be the end all be all for someone that does not have a strong faith in the Creator. It breaks my heart for people that are close to me to not have faith that their situation is only temporary. It breaks my heart that they idolize trivial issues and ignore God's desire for them. It's eye opening how some people walk through life covered in confusion and sin and still don't think to submit to God to be released from their struggles.
I am grateful for my life of brokenness and despair before coming back to Christ because I see the world with a new set of eyes. I know what its like to be absolutely bound to sin and shame and I also know the pure joy and love of God and the freedom in Him. Even when I am going through my own storms and battles, I lean on my Savior for strength and come to Him with a heart of thanksgiving for the works that I know He is already doing in my life. Why doesn't everyone get that? Why doesn't everyone know how life saving faith is?
It's times like these that I am extra grateful to have the love of my Savior poured over me and to have the desire to show His love to others. It's moments like this where I know how strong the need for the Gospel is because this world is so broken and desperate. Praying for a revival of spirits and lives and true encounters with the Risen King. So in love with my Savior right now for loving me.
Our faith or lack there of can make or break us. I believe that society's lack of faith in God is what is destroying our nation and our world. People kill themselves each and every day because they lacked the faith to know that God will bring them out of their temporary situation. People give up hope because they believe that God has forgotten about them. One set back can be the end all be all for someone that does not have a strong faith in the Creator. It breaks my heart for people that are close to me to not have faith that their situation is only temporary. It breaks my heart that they idolize trivial issues and ignore God's desire for them. It's eye opening how some people walk through life covered in confusion and sin and still don't think to submit to God to be released from their struggles.
I am grateful for my life of brokenness and despair before coming back to Christ because I see the world with a new set of eyes. I know what its like to be absolutely bound to sin and shame and I also know the pure joy and love of God and the freedom in Him. Even when I am going through my own storms and battles, I lean on my Savior for strength and come to Him with a heart of thanksgiving for the works that I know He is already doing in my life. Why doesn't everyone get that? Why doesn't everyone know how life saving faith is?
It's times like these that I am extra grateful to have the love of my Savior poured over me and to have the desire to show His love to others. It's moments like this where I know how strong the need for the Gospel is because this world is so broken and desperate. Praying for a revival of spirits and lives and true encounters with the Risen King. So in love with my Savior right now for loving me.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Getting Prepared
So for the past couple of days I have been obsessing with recipes. Weird I know. I do enjoy cooking at times, but over the years, it has become more of a chore than something fun and exciting. But oddly enough, I have been obsessed with cooking and trying new dishes. I've been pulling out old cookbooks, surfing food websites and blogs, you name it. So not like me. While looking for recipes, I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of needing to be prepared. Needing to have my arsenal of meals and dishes in my head, ready at a moments notice.
Another oddity: coupons and budgets. Now, I am not a coupon clipper by any means. I remember watching my mom clip coupons for hours on Sundays and then organize them in her little plastic accordian looking holder. Never thought it was worth the effort. Now, I am fasinated by the stragies and the amazing amount of savings if you know how to do them right. Budgets have usually equated to me making sure my check can stretch until the next check comes with no surprises. Now, I fret over savings accounts, cutting costs and getting the most bang for my buck. This being an adult thing is no joke.
I think God is preparing me. Not quite sure for what but these new found interests that seem to have come over night kinda give me peace and comfort. The same peace and comfort I get when I am obedient to what He would have me do. I am actually beyond excited about making this Mexican cheese dip and guacamole for Taco Tuesday (a weekly tradition in my home). Never been this excited for Taco Tuesday!
Another oddity: coupons and budgets. Now, I am not a coupon clipper by any means. I remember watching my mom clip coupons for hours on Sundays and then organize them in her little plastic accordian looking holder. Never thought it was worth the effort. Now, I am fasinated by the stragies and the amazing amount of savings if you know how to do them right. Budgets have usually equated to me making sure my check can stretch until the next check comes with no surprises. Now, I fret over savings accounts, cutting costs and getting the most bang for my buck. This being an adult thing is no joke.
I think God is preparing me. Not quite sure for what but these new found interests that seem to have come over night kinda give me peace and comfort. The same peace and comfort I get when I am obedient to what He would have me do. I am actually beyond excited about making this Mexican cheese dip and guacamole for Taco Tuesday (a weekly tradition in my home). Never been this excited for Taco Tuesday!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Acts 2:42
"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." Acts 2:42
That is the foundational scripture of Fusion. We devote ourselves to the apostles teachings by coming to our Wednesday night service. We fellowship when we gather together in small group communities. We break bread when we get together as friends and share a meal. We are devoted to prayer when we rally together and prayer for the sick, the lost, the hurting. I am so grateful and overjoyed to be among a group of people from my generation who understand what an Acts 2 church looks like and live it out on the regular!
Last night was such a powerful night for me and it showed me how the body of Christ is supposed to operation. Our fellow Fusionite Joyia Kelly is currently in the hospital with complications with her lungs. Now, I don't know Joyia personally but I know of her, have spoken with her in passing, and coo over her twins Lyric and Journi. You see, Joyia is a walking testimony. She has had a serious heart condition since birth, wasn't supposed to live past age 5 and was never supposed to have children. Well, she is an adult, married to an amazing man of God, and just gave birth to twin girls a year ago. Doctors put limits on God's power and He showed them that He has Joyia covered. A few days days ago, she was rushed to the hospital after spiting up blood. Her husband Courtney said this all happened after having a demonic dream...spiritual attack. People have been praying for Joyia and her family since she went to the hospital. Yesterday, Courtney announced on Facebook that the doctors were saying that they would need to remove a portion of her right lung because of an infection. Someone announced on Facebook that there would be a prayer vigil at the cross at Victory for Joyia and I knew I was supposed to be there. I only recognized a couple of people at the vigil since I don't know everyone at Fusion but we were all there in agreement sending up prayers of thanksgiving and for healing. There was such a peace and joy in the atmosphere and we knew God was already moving. A couple of hours later, Courtney announced that the surgery was off and that her condition was now treatable. All praises to God who still heals!
But He wasn't done yet.
My friend and sister in Christ, Kemesha Allen, is also in the hospital. I got the text from Jill right before leaving work and my heart sank. Me and Kemesha had just hung out at the Nascar race this past Sunday and she is supposed to be heading to Mexico for her 2 month missionary training program on the 17th. The enemy was so busy. We included Kemesha in our prayers at the cross and someone mentioned that her ministry work was going to begin right there in the hospital. A prophetic word in deed. When the prayer time was over, I hit the highway trying to make sure I got to Lawrenceville before visiting hours ended. When I walked into the room, I immediately felt overwhelmed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. Jill, Johana, Cristal and Keith were there praying. This is what community looks like. As I laid hands on Kemesha and gave thanks for her healing that had already begun, I was so overwhelmed with joy and peace that tears began to fall and I began to laugh to myself while praying. The Holy Spirit had everyone filled. There was no fear, no worry. We laughed until it hurt and declared victory over sickness. There was so much peace and joy in that room that we all knew that God was on the move doing His thing. Just got a text from her saying that the surgery is being rescheduled until after she gets a second opinion on Monday and can go home tonight. Total praise to God!! Guess He said no surgeries for Joyia or Kemesha today.
Everyday God shows me just a glimpse of His power and His absolute devotion to us. I serve a God that truly will never forsake me, will always provide for and protect me, will continue to smile at the thought of me even when I sin. He sacrifice His only Son so that I can come to Him and sit at His feet, free of condemnation. This experience is just one of many that I have encountered and will encounter during this journey. This renews my spirit and makes me even more hungry for Christ. He is amazing, faithful and I just stand in awe with thanks in my heart. I am beyond grateful to belong to the Fusion community with people that will drop what they are doing to come to the aid of someone in need. Believers that truly are the hands and feet of Jesus and show His love to any and everyone. I know of plenty of people that go to church but none that I can say live out His commands to make disciples, heal the sick, take care of the poor, love others and mean it like the Fusion community. Just last week, Vittoria's mom saw a family at the park and ride near the church and took it upon herself to speak to them. You see, this wife, husband and toddler had been there for weeks, homeless. People passed them by and a few offered to help but did not follow through. V's mom contacted her and the ball started rolling. Vittoria called Dede, Avery and Nate and by the afternoon, this family was in an extended stay motel with food and supplies. The husband had already gotten a job at Walmart and Nate was working on getting a job for the wife. They went to service this past Saturday and loved it. Nate said that they are still in shock that a group of young people came to their rescue and didn't even know them and truly came through when others failed them. Hey, that's what Christians are supposed to do, that's what Fusion always does. I know that Johnson rests easy knowing that whenever the call goes out to Fusion for a cause or someone in need, they step up and make things happen. Great leadership creates obedient and faithful followers.
When I think of the awesome power of Fusion, I think of Sabrina who we rescued from sex slavery during S2S this summer; Tish who was helped just a few weeks ago; the 30 kids that are being sponsored by Fusionites for Mike Turner's school in Nicaragua; the families in Nashville who were helped after the flood when Fusionites were the first to respond even before Victory sent a team; the hundreds of stories from Fusion on Tour when we went into the community with the gospel, the 700 men who got a hot meal thanks to the Christmas gift to the City with S2S and Fusion, the 55 people that got baptized in street clothes a few weeks ago; the Holy Spirit filled season of Fusion back in the spring that lasted months; Nate whose eyes were healed and Jasmine who was healed from cervical cancer; the amazing outreach coming up in October with Safehouse. These are just a handful of memories that I have and Fusion's work goes so far beyond that. Acts 2:42 is the catalyst behind it all. Come on Jesus.
That is the foundational scripture of Fusion. We devote ourselves to the apostles teachings by coming to our Wednesday night service. We fellowship when we gather together in small group communities. We break bread when we get together as friends and share a meal. We are devoted to prayer when we rally together and prayer for the sick, the lost, the hurting. I am so grateful and overjoyed to be among a group of people from my generation who understand what an Acts 2 church looks like and live it out on the regular!
Last night was such a powerful night for me and it showed me how the body of Christ is supposed to operation. Our fellow Fusionite Joyia Kelly is currently in the hospital with complications with her lungs. Now, I don't know Joyia personally but I know of her, have spoken with her in passing, and coo over her twins Lyric and Journi. You see, Joyia is a walking testimony. She has had a serious heart condition since birth, wasn't supposed to live past age 5 and was never supposed to have children. Well, she is an adult, married to an amazing man of God, and just gave birth to twin girls a year ago. Doctors put limits on God's power and He showed them that He has Joyia covered. A few days days ago, she was rushed to the hospital after spiting up blood. Her husband Courtney said this all happened after having a demonic dream...spiritual attack. People have been praying for Joyia and her family since she went to the hospital. Yesterday, Courtney announced on Facebook that the doctors were saying that they would need to remove a portion of her right lung because of an infection. Someone announced on Facebook that there would be a prayer vigil at the cross at Victory for Joyia and I knew I was supposed to be there. I only recognized a couple of people at the vigil since I don't know everyone at Fusion but we were all there in agreement sending up prayers of thanksgiving and for healing. There was such a peace and joy in the atmosphere and we knew God was already moving. A couple of hours later, Courtney announced that the surgery was off and that her condition was now treatable. All praises to God who still heals!
But He wasn't done yet.
My friend and sister in Christ, Kemesha Allen, is also in the hospital. I got the text from Jill right before leaving work and my heart sank. Me and Kemesha had just hung out at the Nascar race this past Sunday and she is supposed to be heading to Mexico for her 2 month missionary training program on the 17th. The enemy was so busy. We included Kemesha in our prayers at the cross and someone mentioned that her ministry work was going to begin right there in the hospital. A prophetic word in deed. When the prayer time was over, I hit the highway trying to make sure I got to Lawrenceville before visiting hours ended. When I walked into the room, I immediately felt overwhelmed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. Jill, Johana, Cristal and Keith were there praying. This is what community looks like. As I laid hands on Kemesha and gave thanks for her healing that had already begun, I was so overwhelmed with joy and peace that tears began to fall and I began to laugh to myself while praying. The Holy Spirit had everyone filled. There was no fear, no worry. We laughed until it hurt and declared victory over sickness. There was so much peace and joy in that room that we all knew that God was on the move doing His thing. Just got a text from her saying that the surgery is being rescheduled until after she gets a second opinion on Monday and can go home tonight. Total praise to God!! Guess He said no surgeries for Joyia or Kemesha today.
Everyday God shows me just a glimpse of His power and His absolute devotion to us. I serve a God that truly will never forsake me, will always provide for and protect me, will continue to smile at the thought of me even when I sin. He sacrifice His only Son so that I can come to Him and sit at His feet, free of condemnation. This experience is just one of many that I have encountered and will encounter during this journey. This renews my spirit and makes me even more hungry for Christ. He is amazing, faithful and I just stand in awe with thanks in my heart. I am beyond grateful to belong to the Fusion community with people that will drop what they are doing to come to the aid of someone in need. Believers that truly are the hands and feet of Jesus and show His love to any and everyone. I know of plenty of people that go to church but none that I can say live out His commands to make disciples, heal the sick, take care of the poor, love others and mean it like the Fusion community. Just last week, Vittoria's mom saw a family at the park and ride near the church and took it upon herself to speak to them. You see, this wife, husband and toddler had been there for weeks, homeless. People passed them by and a few offered to help but did not follow through. V's mom contacted her and the ball started rolling. Vittoria called Dede, Avery and Nate and by the afternoon, this family was in an extended stay motel with food and supplies. The husband had already gotten a job at Walmart and Nate was working on getting a job for the wife. They went to service this past Saturday and loved it. Nate said that they are still in shock that a group of young people came to their rescue and didn't even know them and truly came through when others failed them. Hey, that's what Christians are supposed to do, that's what Fusion always does. I know that Johnson rests easy knowing that whenever the call goes out to Fusion for a cause or someone in need, they step up and make things happen. Great leadership creates obedient and faithful followers.
When I think of the awesome power of Fusion, I think of Sabrina who we rescued from sex slavery during S2S this summer; Tish who was helped just a few weeks ago; the 30 kids that are being sponsored by Fusionites for Mike Turner's school in Nicaragua; the families in Nashville who were helped after the flood when Fusionites were the first to respond even before Victory sent a team; the hundreds of stories from Fusion on Tour when we went into the community with the gospel, the 700 men who got a hot meal thanks to the Christmas gift to the City with S2S and Fusion, the 55 people that got baptized in street clothes a few weeks ago; the Holy Spirit filled season of Fusion back in the spring that lasted months; Nate whose eyes were healed and Jasmine who was healed from cervical cancer; the amazing outreach coming up in October with Safehouse. These are just a handful of memories that I have and Fusion's work goes so far beyond that. Acts 2:42 is the catalyst behind it all. Come on Jesus.
Day 9: Bargaining with God
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:7-11
I have always like Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you. God is all powerful and grants the desires of our heart, yet I do believe I have used this as more of a bargaining tool than anything. I have prayed the prayers in crisis, asking God to come through one more time and I will never put myself in that position again. He comes through and I find myself right back where I started. He always proves to be faithful even when I am not. Still scratching my head on that one.
That Brennan Manning quote has been stuck in my head for weeks now and it reminds me that God will never forsake me even when I don't hold up my end of the bargain. So in essense, why try to manipulate God? He knows my heart and mind when I come to Him in prayer, so why even try to make these grand gestures when I know I will still fall short of His glory? That's been something that has been kinda weighing on my mind. I don't need to put on this front for God when I come to Him because He knows my every thought and every desire. He just wants me to come to Him naked, unashamed and with boldness. I don't need to be afraid to come to Him with anything. I sometimes thinks He gets a kick out of it when I do become transparent with Him because that's when He says "You finally did it." That's when I get my greatest peace and rest. That's when I see Him move the most.
Why is it so hard to stay in a state of transparency with Him all the time? I know what it feels like when I lay all of my burdens at His feet and the pleasure He gets when I come to Him boldly with things. So why don't I do that all the time? Hmmm. I think sometimes I try to rationalize and understand how great He really is and put limits on His infinite power. His thoughts are not my thoughts so my scope of understanding pale in comparison to what He can do. When I start wondering if I should bring something to Him, I am placing limits on what I think He can do. I start trying to disect things and that's when the bargaining begins. I come to Him thinking, "If you just handle this little part of my problem, then I can handle the rest." God wants me to come to Him and simple say "Here it is." He wants me to be obedient to the Matthew 7:7 command: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Such a powerful, yet simple statement. Ask God for what you need and watch Him work.
I have always like Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you. God is all powerful and grants the desires of our heart, yet I do believe I have used this as more of a bargaining tool than anything. I have prayed the prayers in crisis, asking God to come through one more time and I will never put myself in that position again. He comes through and I find myself right back where I started. He always proves to be faithful even when I am not. Still scratching my head on that one.
That Brennan Manning quote has been stuck in my head for weeks now and it reminds me that God will never forsake me even when I don't hold up my end of the bargain. So in essense, why try to manipulate God? He knows my heart and mind when I come to Him in prayer, so why even try to make these grand gestures when I know I will still fall short of His glory? That's been something that has been kinda weighing on my mind. I don't need to put on this front for God when I come to Him because He knows my every thought and every desire. He just wants me to come to Him naked, unashamed and with boldness. I don't need to be afraid to come to Him with anything. I sometimes thinks He gets a kick out of it when I do become transparent with Him because that's when He says "You finally did it." That's when I get my greatest peace and rest. That's when I see Him move the most.
Why is it so hard to stay in a state of transparency with Him all the time? I know what it feels like when I lay all of my burdens at His feet and the pleasure He gets when I come to Him boldly with things. So why don't I do that all the time? Hmmm. I think sometimes I try to rationalize and understand how great He really is and put limits on His infinite power. His thoughts are not my thoughts so my scope of understanding pale in comparison to what He can do. When I start wondering if I should bring something to Him, I am placing limits on what I think He can do. I start trying to disect things and that's when the bargaining begins. I come to Him thinking, "If you just handle this little part of my problem, then I can handle the rest." God wants me to come to Him and simple say "Here it is." He wants me to be obedient to the Matthew 7:7 command: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Such a powerful, yet simple statement. Ask God for what you need and watch Him work.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 8: In Awe
"Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping Him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire." Hebrew 12:28-29
When was the last time I stood in awe at God's amazing power? It would have to be a couple of weeks ago at small group when I read the letter I wrote to Jesus and I was in tears at just the sheer fact that He was faithful. He had transformed my life in such a way, it's mind blowing. He answered prayers I had forgotten I prayed. He poured out His love on me even during times when I doubted Him.
I also think back to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go see the movie "Takers" with some of the girls. Yeah I was a little on the broke side that day, but I was really feeling weird about seeing that movie. I am trying to be more careful about what I put before my eyes, and it was something about that movie that I know I would struggle with. Instead I stayed home, and watched hours of Youtube clips of Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baracka, Canton Jones, and Passion 4 Christ Movement poetry and messages. Man, talk about an awesome night and I was left in amazement at how God totally fulfilled me way more than that movie would have. Just being in His presence and letting the Holy Spirit speak to me was amazing.
This devotional talked about how in our society, nothing really leaves us in awe even though God's grace and power should always leave us in awe. We should continually have a praise for Him for just the little lessons He teaches us and even the major trials He brings us through. I know I need to challenge myself more to remain in a state of awe and praise for Him because each day that He breathes life into my heart and lungs is another day to glorify Him. Each day He gives me a chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus is a time to stand in awe of Him. He is working miracles and blessings even moment of the day and for that, He deserves praise.
I believe I need to challenge myself more to find ways to glorify Him and bear witness to His power. I have this desire to be completely sold out and go hard for Christ that it's crazy. Have to see where all this energy leads me.
When was the last time I stood in awe at God's amazing power? It would have to be a couple of weeks ago at small group when I read the letter I wrote to Jesus and I was in tears at just the sheer fact that He was faithful. He had transformed my life in such a way, it's mind blowing. He answered prayers I had forgotten I prayed. He poured out His love on me even during times when I doubted Him.
I also think back to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go see the movie "Takers" with some of the girls. Yeah I was a little on the broke side that day, but I was really feeling weird about seeing that movie. I am trying to be more careful about what I put before my eyes, and it was something about that movie that I know I would struggle with. Instead I stayed home, and watched hours of Youtube clips of Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baracka, Canton Jones, and Passion 4 Christ Movement poetry and messages. Man, talk about an awesome night and I was left in amazement at how God totally fulfilled me way more than that movie would have. Just being in His presence and letting the Holy Spirit speak to me was amazing.
This devotional talked about how in our society, nothing really leaves us in awe even though God's grace and power should always leave us in awe. We should continually have a praise for Him for just the little lessons He teaches us and even the major trials He brings us through. I know I need to challenge myself more to remain in a state of awe and praise for Him because each day that He breathes life into my heart and lungs is another day to glorify Him. Each day He gives me a chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus is a time to stand in awe of Him. He is working miracles and blessings even moment of the day and for that, He deserves praise.
I believe I need to challenge myself more to find ways to glorify Him and bear witness to His power. I have this desire to be completely sold out and go hard for Christ that it's crazy. Have to see where all this energy leads me.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 7: Removing the Mask
"Watch yourselves carefully so you don't get contaminated with Pharisee yeast, Pharisee phoniness. You can't keep your true self hidden forever; before long you'll be exposed. You can't hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can't whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public" Luke 12:1-3
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Really Do Make You Happy, God
It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 6: Praying Through the Pain
"Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away." Psalm 90:10
This devotional is a pretty simple one. I think I have mastered praying through the pain. I have had my share of pain in the last couple of years and since I finally surrendered to Christ a year ago, I am learning to be faithful in the midst of the storm. I have learned that God is not going to over burden me and every stormy season is a test in endurance. I have to pray for strength during the tough times and keep being faithful in knowing that God will bring me out of a bad situation.
He has renewed my faith in my issues with Ryan simply by the awesome works He has done in other areas of my life. It's almost like I get so consumed with that situation, that I forget that He is still present in everything else. He has to show me that He is still God and I should keep my focus where He is moving and not on what I deem important. I have to stop majoring in the minors.
This devotional is a pretty simple one. I think I have mastered praying through the pain. I have had my share of pain in the last couple of years and since I finally surrendered to Christ a year ago, I am learning to be faithful in the midst of the storm. I have learned that God is not going to over burden me and every stormy season is a test in endurance. I have to pray for strength during the tough times and keep being faithful in knowing that God will bring me out of a bad situation.
He has renewed my faith in my issues with Ryan simply by the awesome works He has done in other areas of my life. It's almost like I get so consumed with that situation, that I forget that He is still present in everything else. He has to show me that He is still God and I should keep my focus where He is moving and not on what I deem important. I have to stop majoring in the minors.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 4: What's On Your Mind
James 4:8: Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.
What's on my mind? My Father in Heaven who is absolutely romancing me today! I went to bed last night in thought about how I was going to handle a situation but God took over and gave me the best sleep ever. I even slept in longer because I was so at peace. I dropped off Aiden and listened to Livingston and just smiled the whole way to work because I felt like God was just smiling at me and delighting over me. I missed Fusion last night because I had to serve so its like He carved out this day to just have me spend time in His presence. I love this romantic, loving, smiling, delighting in me feeling I get when it's just me and my beloved Father. He is giving me peace and joy in Him. He is so worthy to be praised!
Truthfully, I don't always have days like this. I wish I did though because things would be so much better if I did. Yet, I cherish these moments. I think I would have more times like this if I made time for times like this. I do tend to get bogged down with worthless stuff like Facebook, Internet, TV, the phone, friends, whatever. But I am glad that I am taking on this assignment to purposely spend some time reading this devotional and really examining my heart and mind. I am becoming aware of things that I need to work on in order to cleanse my mind, body and spirit of all this junk that has been collected.
I need to make a greater effort to carve out this consistent and dedicated time with God to hear Him and have Him hear me. I love my sleep but, getting up an extra hour earlier to pray and read my Bible would be an ideal way to spend some time with Him. I have been reading my Bible at night, but it's something about giving God those first few minutes of my day that makes things so much better. Revelation 3:16 says "But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" I don't want to be lukewarm with my faith and devotion to God because He is constantly faithful and devoted to me. He is showing me His faithfulness in this very moment, with each breath that I take and this awesome time of praise to Him.
I like the 3 scriptures that were in this devotional to mediate on as I seek God's purity in my life.
2 Cor. 7:1 Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.
Titus 2:14 He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
Hebrews 9:13-15 If that animal blood and the other rituals of purification were effective in cleaning up certain matters of our religion and behavior, think how much more the blood of Christ cleans up our whole lives, inside and out. Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God.
He desires for me to seek Him out and spend time with Him. It's time to make Him my first thoughts and be constant with making time for Him. No lukewarm praises for my Savior who sacrificed His life just to have precious moments with me through out the day. I want to watch Him transform my mind because of my devotion to Him.
What's on my mind? My Father in Heaven who is absolutely romancing me today! I went to bed last night in thought about how I was going to handle a situation but God took over and gave me the best sleep ever. I even slept in longer because I was so at peace. I dropped off Aiden and listened to Livingston and just smiled the whole way to work because I felt like God was just smiling at me and delighting over me. I missed Fusion last night because I had to serve so its like He carved out this day to just have me spend time in His presence. I love this romantic, loving, smiling, delighting in me feeling I get when it's just me and my beloved Father. He is giving me peace and joy in Him. He is so worthy to be praised!
Truthfully, I don't always have days like this. I wish I did though because things would be so much better if I did. Yet, I cherish these moments. I think I would have more times like this if I made time for times like this. I do tend to get bogged down with worthless stuff like Facebook, Internet, TV, the phone, friends, whatever. But I am glad that I am taking on this assignment to purposely spend some time reading this devotional and really examining my heart and mind. I am becoming aware of things that I need to work on in order to cleanse my mind, body and spirit of all this junk that has been collected.
I need to make a greater effort to carve out this consistent and dedicated time with God to hear Him and have Him hear me. I love my sleep but, getting up an extra hour earlier to pray and read my Bible would be an ideal way to spend some time with Him. I have been reading my Bible at night, but it's something about giving God those first few minutes of my day that makes things so much better. Revelation 3:16 says "But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" I don't want to be lukewarm with my faith and devotion to God because He is constantly faithful and devoted to me. He is showing me His faithfulness in this very moment, with each breath that I take and this awesome time of praise to Him.
I like the 3 scriptures that were in this devotional to mediate on as I seek God's purity in my life.
2 Cor. 7:1 Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.
Titus 2:14 He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
Hebrews 9:13-15 If that animal blood and the other rituals of purification were effective in cleaning up certain matters of our religion and behavior, think how much more the blood of Christ cleans up our whole lives, inside and out. Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God.
He desires for me to seek Him out and spend time with Him. It's time to make Him my first thoughts and be constant with making time for Him. No lukewarm praises for my Savior who sacrificed His life just to have precious moments with me through out the day. I want to watch Him transform my mind because of my devotion to Him.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Day 3: Faithful Followers
Psalm 95:6-7: "Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker, for he is our God. We are the people he watches over, the flock under his care. If only you would listen to his voice today!"
Faithful follower...am I? Not always. I try to be though. I mean I use common sense and don't always follow the crowd but, I do tend to react out of fear or frustration and may not make the best decisions. The devotional used sheep as an analogy. Sheep aren't the smartest animals in the world but they follow their Shepard, the one who feeds and protects them. Yet, they can run crazy if they are startled by a loud sound or trying to escape harm. I can see myself running around a pasture during a lightening storm, which I can equate to financial trouble or family trouble. I'm sure even if their Shepard is trying to get them under control, the fear consumes them and they do their own thing.
Sounds like me. Or at least me a year ago.
I desire to only follow God's voice. Sometimes, discerning His voice from my own is the hard part. I get bogged down with influences around me and sometimes wonder if I am making a decision based on what I think God is telling me or if it's my own emotions or thoughts that's leading. I have already decided to take the road less traveled by trying to live according to God's word. No more sex till marriage, watching what I put before my eyes and in my ears, having a heart for others, serving, sharing my faith, walking in love (even when I don't want to), forgiving instead of combating, etc. Taking the focus off of me and putting it on others is definitely going against the grain of the popular mainstream.
I like the verse mentioned in the devotional from Colossians 3:1-2 "So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective." I do have a new life and I must live this life out according to His word, His voice. I can no longer worry about what the world thinks, or what friends think, or give in to my own selfish desires. I need to see things from His perspective, not my own.
Are there areas in my life right now in which I have not been faithful in following the Lord's voice? Sure. Finances, my trust in Him, and probably some other areas too. I am used to taking matters into my own hands out of impatience so I am learning to be patient. That's definitely a work in progress. I am a signs and wonders kind of girl so, I am learning to just trust in faith even when I may not get that obvious green light to go. I want to only hear My Father's voice and only follow His lead. Tuning out all the other noise and distractions...
Faithful follower...am I? Not always. I try to be though. I mean I use common sense and don't always follow the crowd but, I do tend to react out of fear or frustration and may not make the best decisions. The devotional used sheep as an analogy. Sheep aren't the smartest animals in the world but they follow their Shepard, the one who feeds and protects them. Yet, they can run crazy if they are startled by a loud sound or trying to escape harm. I can see myself running around a pasture during a lightening storm, which I can equate to financial trouble or family trouble. I'm sure even if their Shepard is trying to get them under control, the fear consumes them and they do their own thing.
Sounds like me. Or at least me a year ago.
I desire to only follow God's voice. Sometimes, discerning His voice from my own is the hard part. I get bogged down with influences around me and sometimes wonder if I am making a decision based on what I think God is telling me or if it's my own emotions or thoughts that's leading. I have already decided to take the road less traveled by trying to live according to God's word. No more sex till marriage, watching what I put before my eyes and in my ears, having a heart for others, serving, sharing my faith, walking in love (even when I don't want to), forgiving instead of combating, etc. Taking the focus off of me and putting it on others is definitely going against the grain of the popular mainstream.
I like the verse mentioned in the devotional from Colossians 3:1-2 "So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective." I do have a new life and I must live this life out according to His word, His voice. I can no longer worry about what the world thinks, or what friends think, or give in to my own selfish desires. I need to see things from His perspective, not my own.
Are there areas in my life right now in which I have not been faithful in following the Lord's voice? Sure. Finances, my trust in Him, and probably some other areas too. I am used to taking matters into my own hands out of impatience so I am learning to be patient. That's definitely a work in progress. I am a signs and wonders kind of girl so, I am learning to just trust in faith even when I may not get that obvious green light to go. I want to only hear My Father's voice and only follow His lead. Tuning out all the other noise and distractions...
Monday, August 23, 2010
He IS Faithful...
Last night was awesome. We had our regular Beauty For Ashes small group, but this meeting just did something to my heart. We met at the cross at Victory and spent some time in prayer and meditation as Angie called each one of us to the walking path. When she called my name, I really didn't know what to expect, but I knew this was going to be an evening of reflection and discovery. Angie explained that we have to learn to be faithful to God everyday because He is always faithful to us. As we walked, she quote the scripture Matthew 25:29-30: "For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."
It's funny because I had read that very scripture the night before. I took that as confirmation that I need to be faithful to God in the little things that He gives me, so that I can live in abundance. Funny cause, that was the message Jeff Hidden gave this morning. Kingdom Thinking. I'm listening.
When I got to the end of the path, Nesha was waiting with an index card with the scripture Psalm 86:15: "But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Again, the message was faithfulness. She gave me a letter to read with instructions and also the letter that I wrote to Jesus 7 months ago at the start of our small group. As I read my letter, I was amazed at where was I was then and where I am now. I asked for healing for forgiveness for denying Him and doubting Him. I asked to encounter Him and to know His love for me. I asked Him to challenge me, to encourage me, to break me out of my shell, to give me boldness, baptism in the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to pour out His love and grace on my family and to strength the Godly relationships with the women He had placed in my life. When I tell you He was absolutely faithful in everything I desired, I was in awe. God did everything I asked of Him. He is faithful beyond understanding. He is in covenant with me and will give what my heart desires according to His will for me. He is faithful even when I am not.
In my letter, I promised to always have a burning passion for Him. To always be devoted to praising and worshiping Him. To continually die to myself and follow Him. I don't feel like I held up my end of the bargain. There are days when I am not sure He will come through for me. There are days when I pray and I can't hear Him, so I get discouraged and wonder if He cares. Sure I have my days, when I am just immersed in Him love and grace. Yet, there are days when I feel so disconnected from Him that I don't know how to fix it. I've felt that way lately. Very disconnected, faith kinda waning, fear and worry consuming me. But He was faithful to me, even when I was not to Him. That's how much He absolutely adores me. I am the daughter of a King and He treats me as such each and everyday. I just have to be faithful and return that same devotion.
I desire to be faithful and trusting in God in every area of my life. Every area. From finances, friendships, relationships, decisions, career, time. Every area. When I am faithful and good with the little things that God entrusts in me, He will pour out an abundance of blessing to me. I should be faithful because He is faithful. Now, I know I wont be perfect and there will be times of doubt and trouble. Yet, I have to always remember that my Father has proven to be a provider, a healer, a protector, a loving Father and many other things, so I know that I will always stand tall and stand in His victory.
I know that being faithful does not happen over night. I know this will be a process, a transformation. I know I need to renew my mind, body and spirit and become aligned with Him. Learn to trust Him and have dark areas of my heart revealed and fixed so that I can carry on. I bought a 90 day devotional back in late January, early February when I took the courtship class. I read it for a few days, and it was good, but I didn't stick with it. My letter that proved God is always faithful was written 7 months ago, around the time I purchased this book. Figured God had every intention of me getting that book, seriously. So, I have decided to embark on a 90 day assignment of purifying my mind, body and spirit. Each day, I will read my devotional and seriously think about what it is that is being revealed to me. My thoughts and revelations will be documented here so that I can go back and look at Day 1 three months from now and look at what God had done. I am excited and hopeful and ready for Him to reveal His purpose and love for me.
It's funny because I had read that very scripture the night before. I took that as confirmation that I need to be faithful to God in the little things that He gives me, so that I can live in abundance. Funny cause, that was the message Jeff Hidden gave this morning. Kingdom Thinking. I'm listening.
When I got to the end of the path, Nesha was waiting with an index card with the scripture Psalm 86:15: "But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Again, the message was faithfulness. She gave me a letter to read with instructions and also the letter that I wrote to Jesus 7 months ago at the start of our small group. As I read my letter, I was amazed at where was I was then and where I am now. I asked for healing for forgiveness for denying Him and doubting Him. I asked to encounter Him and to know His love for me. I asked Him to challenge me, to encourage me, to break me out of my shell, to give me boldness, baptism in the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to pour out His love and grace on my family and to strength the Godly relationships with the women He had placed in my life. When I tell you He was absolutely faithful in everything I desired, I was in awe. God did everything I asked of Him. He is faithful beyond understanding. He is in covenant with me and will give what my heart desires according to His will for me. He is faithful even when I am not.
In my letter, I promised to always have a burning passion for Him. To always be devoted to praising and worshiping Him. To continually die to myself and follow Him. I don't feel like I held up my end of the bargain. There are days when I am not sure He will come through for me. There are days when I pray and I can't hear Him, so I get discouraged and wonder if He cares. Sure I have my days, when I am just immersed in Him love and grace. Yet, there are days when I feel so disconnected from Him that I don't know how to fix it. I've felt that way lately. Very disconnected, faith kinda waning, fear and worry consuming me. But He was faithful to me, even when I was not to Him. That's how much He absolutely adores me. I am the daughter of a King and He treats me as such each and everyday. I just have to be faithful and return that same devotion.
I desire to be faithful and trusting in God in every area of my life. Every area. From finances, friendships, relationships, decisions, career, time. Every area. When I am faithful and good with the little things that God entrusts in me, He will pour out an abundance of blessing to me. I should be faithful because He is faithful. Now, I know I wont be perfect and there will be times of doubt and trouble. Yet, I have to always remember that my Father has proven to be a provider, a healer, a protector, a loving Father and many other things, so I know that I will always stand tall and stand in His victory.
I know that being faithful does not happen over night. I know this will be a process, a transformation. I know I need to renew my mind, body and spirit and become aligned with Him. Learn to trust Him and have dark areas of my heart revealed and fixed so that I can carry on. I bought a 90 day devotional back in late January, early February when I took the courtship class. I read it for a few days, and it was good, but I didn't stick with it. My letter that proved God is always faithful was written 7 months ago, around the time I purchased this book. Figured God had every intention of me getting that book, seriously. So, I have decided to embark on a 90 day assignment of purifying my mind, body and spirit. Each day, I will read my devotional and seriously think about what it is that is being revealed to me. My thoughts and revelations will be documented here so that I can go back and look at Day 1 three months from now and look at what God had done. I am excited and hopeful and ready for Him to reveal His purpose and love for me.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Price of Love
For a while now, I have had families on my mind. I noticed that families around me were crumbling, foundations shook loose, marriages tested. I know I have experienced attacks in my own family but my troubles seem to pale in comparison to the troubles others are experiencing. I thank God for His favor over my household, but I pray for His holy anointing on those around me.
LOVE. It's what everyone in the world is searching for. Single people are looking for someone to love them. Married people are looking for someone new to love. Children are crying out for attention and love from their parents. But God is love. So what's the problem?
I have realized that people are searching for a tangible love. Sure many of us know that God loves us like crazy but we still desire that tangible, here on Earth kind of love to keep us warm at night. The kind of love that makes us laugh, takes us out on the town, shares a meal or coffee with, make plans for the future type of love. We go to great lengths to find that love and even greater lengths to hold on to that love.
I sit and swap stories and ideas with my single friends about love and relationships and we are all usually on the same page. We are looking for godly men who are strong in their faith and walking out their purpose. I always quote Meredith Grey and say I want a man who is already "whole and healed." I envision God providing me with a leader, not a leader in training. Someone who can balance life and the church, while keeping God in the center of everything. Someone that will challenge me and keep me going after God. It amazes me how my criteria for men has changed over the years. It has gone from superficial non sense to character, personality, faith and purpose requirement. God has removed the veil to show me the traits that should mean the most, traits that don't lose value over time.
So why don't other people search for the traits that define a person instead of what they get at face value? Why do so many people pay such a high price for the sake of love?
If I haven't learned anything else of value over the past year of my journey with Christ, I've learned that you cannot love someone without understand how God loves each of us. God's love for us is the blue print, the standard. The longing feelings and desires for love that we feel are usually a void that is in our hearts that needs to be filled. Many of us go from man to man or woman to woman trying to fill that void that only God can fill. He is our living water, He is love. When I finally stop looking for love and allowed God's love to fill that empty space, my thirst was finally satisfied. My longing ended. But for some that's not enough.
Too many people are still searching for love, still trying desperately to hold on to what they think is love, sacrificing so much of themselves to maintain love. It's sad and it's not what God intended for us. Usually when my longings appear, that means I am not spending enough time having God pour out His love into my heart. I am not aligned with God, who is love. When I get my walk with God back on track, I no longer have that desire to seek out something that is already there. When relationships or marriages get rocky, people turn to someone else to fulfill that need that is missing. They are not in alignment with God and the enemy finds his way in. Marriages fail everyday because someone is longing for love. People stay in unhealthy relationships because they holding on so tight. People are so afraid of being alone, they compromise God's word for the sake of love. They trade God's truth with their own personal agenda. Such a high price to pay for love.
1 John 4:8 says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." If God is not your main source of love, the you don't know love and you don't know God like you should. If you are compromising your morals and the Bible's instructions in order to get or maintain love, you've already lost. God's love heals, redeems, transforms, sustains. Anything outside of Him is just like trying to catch air in a net; it will always slip through the cracks. Let God's love be your first love. Let His love be your main source of love and understanding. Let everything else be an addition to the love that He firmly plants in your heart.
LOVE. It's what everyone in the world is searching for. Single people are looking for someone to love them. Married people are looking for someone new to love. Children are crying out for attention and love from their parents. But God is love. So what's the problem?
I have realized that people are searching for a tangible love. Sure many of us know that God loves us like crazy but we still desire that tangible, here on Earth kind of love to keep us warm at night. The kind of love that makes us laugh, takes us out on the town, shares a meal or coffee with, make plans for the future type of love. We go to great lengths to find that love and even greater lengths to hold on to that love.
I sit and swap stories and ideas with my single friends about love and relationships and we are all usually on the same page. We are looking for godly men who are strong in their faith and walking out their purpose. I always quote Meredith Grey and say I want a man who is already "whole and healed." I envision God providing me with a leader, not a leader in training. Someone who can balance life and the church, while keeping God in the center of everything. Someone that will challenge me and keep me going after God. It amazes me how my criteria for men has changed over the years. It has gone from superficial non sense to character, personality, faith and purpose requirement. God has removed the veil to show me the traits that should mean the most, traits that don't lose value over time.
So why don't other people search for the traits that define a person instead of what they get at face value? Why do so many people pay such a high price for the sake of love?
If I haven't learned anything else of value over the past year of my journey with Christ, I've learned that you cannot love someone without understand how God loves each of us. God's love for us is the blue print, the standard. The longing feelings and desires for love that we feel are usually a void that is in our hearts that needs to be filled. Many of us go from man to man or woman to woman trying to fill that void that only God can fill. He is our living water, He is love. When I finally stop looking for love and allowed God's love to fill that empty space, my thirst was finally satisfied. My longing ended. But for some that's not enough.
Too many people are still searching for love, still trying desperately to hold on to what they think is love, sacrificing so much of themselves to maintain love. It's sad and it's not what God intended for us. Usually when my longings appear, that means I am not spending enough time having God pour out His love into my heart. I am not aligned with God, who is love. When I get my walk with God back on track, I no longer have that desire to seek out something that is already there. When relationships or marriages get rocky, people turn to someone else to fulfill that need that is missing. They are not in alignment with God and the enemy finds his way in. Marriages fail everyday because someone is longing for love. People stay in unhealthy relationships because they holding on so tight. People are so afraid of being alone, they compromise God's word for the sake of love. They trade God's truth with their own personal agenda. Such a high price to pay for love.
1 John 4:8 says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." If God is not your main source of love, the you don't know love and you don't know God like you should. If you are compromising your morals and the Bible's instructions in order to get or maintain love, you've already lost. God's love heals, redeems, transforms, sustains. Anything outside of Him is just like trying to catch air in a net; it will always slip through the cracks. Let God's love be your first love. Let His love be your main source of love and understanding. Let everything else be an addition to the love that He firmly plants in your heart.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Life As I Know It
I am bouncing back from a rather nerve wrecking turned numbing weekend. I knew things would be rather tense after a tough decision I made, but Victory's THIRST service helped release my pent up stress. Nothing like 2 hours of singing, dancing and praying for a revival and renewing of spirits. I needed that time to connect with my Father, to give Him honor and allow the Holy Spirit to completely wreck me. The Holy Spirit came down on me and my heart wept and I prayed for families and marriages. I shook uncontrollably as the words spilled from my tongue, crying out for God to restore marriages, chains to be released, families to be made whole again.
I drove 4 hours to Mississippi on auto-pilot right after service. I let my mind wander and allowed God to kinda sift through everything and hone in on what He felt I should. Family. Restoring families, praying for reconciliations, for fathers to come home, for mothers to love their children like crazy, for marriages to be covered to withstand attacks. A lot of friends have marriages that are crumbling, both inside the faith and outside. Families are being broken, children neglected, selfish needs overshadowing God's purpose. My heart was breaking and I knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg. I knew God was preparing me for battle. The attacks were coming and I needed to be full dressed in His armor.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18
I knew that God was doing a work in my heart because for the first time in forever, I didn't want to leave Mississippi. I didn't want to leave my family. I didn't want to leave the comfort and safety of the 4 walls of my aunt's house where I could tune out the rest of the world. I wasn't in the mood to deal with attacks on my family and families close to me. I just wanted to rest, mentally, physically and spiritually. But of course, Jesus Christ did not promise that we would be problem free in this life, even after we accept the gift of salvation.
Life will be hard, trials are sure to come, but how you prepare for them is key. God has given us authority and the power to heal the sick and to defend the name of Jesus Christ. Battling enemies that are not in the flesh tests your loyality and your resilience. When the chips are down, do you fold? Or do you run back to the Creator and give Him your all? Does your faith remain or is it shaken? When your marriage is on the rocks, do you both come together in agreement to pray against any schemes of the enemy or do you ignore the problems and exist in a house divided? A house that is divided is an open door for the enemy to set up shop and wreak havoc. There is strength in numbers, power in agreement.
I drove 4 hours to Mississippi on auto-pilot right after service. I let my mind wander and allowed God to kinda sift through everything and hone in on what He felt I should. Family. Restoring families, praying for reconciliations, for fathers to come home, for mothers to love their children like crazy, for marriages to be covered to withstand attacks. A lot of friends have marriages that are crumbling, both inside the faith and outside. Families are being broken, children neglected, selfish needs overshadowing God's purpose. My heart was breaking and I knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg. I knew God was preparing me for battle. The attacks were coming and I needed to be full dressed in His armor.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18
I knew that God was doing a work in my heart because for the first time in forever, I didn't want to leave Mississippi. I didn't want to leave my family. I didn't want to leave the comfort and safety of the 4 walls of my aunt's house where I could tune out the rest of the world. I wasn't in the mood to deal with attacks on my family and families close to me. I just wanted to rest, mentally, physically and spiritually. But of course, Jesus Christ did not promise that we would be problem free in this life, even after we accept the gift of salvation.
Life will be hard, trials are sure to come, but how you prepare for them is key. God has given us authority and the power to heal the sick and to defend the name of Jesus Christ. Battling enemies that are not in the flesh tests your loyality and your resilience. When the chips are down, do you fold? Or do you run back to the Creator and give Him your all? Does your faith remain or is it shaken? When your marriage is on the rocks, do you both come together in agreement to pray against any schemes of the enemy or do you ignore the problems and exist in a house divided? A house that is divided is an open door for the enemy to set up shop and wreak havoc. There is strength in numbers, power in agreement.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
He Wants It All
As I am traveling to work after dropping off the baby or on my way home from work, I like to ride in silence. This has been the norm for a few weeks. Before, I would be blasting praise and worship music, giving my Father a little glory. I don't know where the riding in silence came from but I do it more and more often. I think I do it to have a little quiet time to spend pouring my heart out to God, hoping that He is listening.
This morning was no different...well maybe. I had just dropped Aiden off and was sitting at the light when I turned off the radio to start up my morning conversation. For some reason, I didn't know what to say. I had had a pretty crappy day yesterday and wanted to have a half-way decent one today, hence the need to talk to God. But the words wouldn't come, the thought were jumbled. I was a mess. I gave up and turned the radio back on.
I flipped from one station to the next and found nothing suitable. Didn't want to pull out a CD either. I was getting kinda frazzled. In a last ditch effort, I flipped the station one more time and there it was. The song that ignited my heart and lifted my spirits. He Wants It All by forever Jones. I got goose bumps the moment I heard the words and immediately began singing my praises.
There's a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with your life now
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it all
There's a God that walks over the earth,
he's searching for heart that is desperate,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
God was speaking to me this morning in the midst of my confusion and frustration about not knowing what to say to Him. He wants it all today. He wants all of my crazy thoughts, my tears, my heart, my devotion, my love. He just wants to spend time with me today and wants me to desire to spend time with Him. He doesn't want me wasting time bound to idols when He should be the only person getting my attention and admiration. He just wants all of me. All of me.
God is working on me still. He is working on me to help get me to the point where He has all of me. I am almost there. Kinda. Still a work in progress. Still working on falling on my face completely naked and unashamed before Him. But He is patient and still reminds me that He just wants to be my everything. How sweet is that? My Father, the romantic.
He wants it all. He wants me to serve Him with my life. He wants me to be a child that will give Him my all. It's funny how hard it is to let go of everything and let God have it. My impatience tends to keep me wanting to have my hand in what goes on around me. He just wants it all. Let Him have my troubles and allow him to ease my heart and mind.
He wants it all. You win, Father.
This morning was no different...well maybe. I had just dropped Aiden off and was sitting at the light when I turned off the radio to start up my morning conversation. For some reason, I didn't know what to say. I had had a pretty crappy day yesterday and wanted to have a half-way decent one today, hence the need to talk to God. But the words wouldn't come, the thought were jumbled. I was a mess. I gave up and turned the radio back on.
I flipped from one station to the next and found nothing suitable. Didn't want to pull out a CD either. I was getting kinda frazzled. In a last ditch effort, I flipped the station one more time and there it was. The song that ignited my heart and lifted my spirits. He Wants It All by forever Jones. I got goose bumps the moment I heard the words and immediately began singing my praises.
There's a voice that cries out in the silence,
searching for heart that will love him,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
And he says, love me, love me with your whole heart
he wants it all today
serve me, serve me with your life now
he wants it all today
bow down, let go of your idols
he wants it all today (x3)
He wants it all
There's a God that walks over the earth,
he's searching for heart that is desperate,
longing for child that will give him their all,
give it all, he wants it all
God was speaking to me this morning in the midst of my confusion and frustration about not knowing what to say to Him. He wants it all today. He wants all of my crazy thoughts, my tears, my heart, my devotion, my love. He just wants to spend time with me today and wants me to desire to spend time with Him. He doesn't want me wasting time bound to idols when He should be the only person getting my attention and admiration. He just wants all of me. All of me.
God is working on me still. He is working on me to help get me to the point where He has all of me. I am almost there. Kinda. Still a work in progress. Still working on falling on my face completely naked and unashamed before Him. But He is patient and still reminds me that He just wants to be my everything. How sweet is that? My Father, the romantic.
He wants it all. He wants me to serve Him with my life. He wants me to be a child that will give Him my all. It's funny how hard it is to let go of everything and let God have it. My impatience tends to keep me wanting to have my hand in what goes on around me. He just wants it all. Let Him have my troubles and allow him to ease my heart and mind.
He wants it all. You win, Father.
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