Becoming Someone Worth Finding

Some of the best advice that I have gotten about relationships, courting and marriage has been pretty simple: become someone worth finding. Everyone wants to find that one special person to spend the rest of their life with. We spend so much time analyzing that person and going through their nuiances with a fine tooth comb that we often neglect the most important critical analysis in the whole equation...ourselves. After putting this person through the ringer and our own checklist of must have qualities, do we stop and ask ourselves if we measure up to their expectations? Are we even someone that they would want to spend the rest of their life with?

Every relationship starts with a healthy you. It's our job to deal with our own hangups, hurts, and issues before entertaining the idea of becoming someone's significant other. It's never the job of a man to heal a woman's broken heart and insecurities. Those are repairs that only God can do with perfection. When I decided to follow Christ wholeheartedly, I knew that I had to leave guys behind for a while because I had about 28 years worth of wounds and scars that needed time to heal. I would be doing a guy a complete injustice if I were to enter any relationship knowing I could never give him my whole heart because parts of it still belongs with so many other people from my past. I knew I was not someone worth finding at that point.

I can officially say that I am at a point where I know who I am in Christ. I am firm in what I believe and what I will never compromise on. I love me enough to know that I refuse to settle for anything less that God's absolute best for me. If that means, I am single longer than most, it's not the end of the world. I have a passion for God's Kingdom and the lost who are far from Him. I have a heart for the body of Christ and I serve faithfully. I will be the first to admit that I have some insecurities but I will never allow the enemy to exploit my weak areas because my faith in God and my identity rooted in my Savior will always triumph.

Talking with a friend about a guy she likes made me even more aware of just how far I have come. After asking her those tough questions (Where are you in your relationship with Christ? Are you persuing your passions? What is God's purpose for your life? Have you dealt with your own insecurities and past hurts?) and seeing that she is still struggling with finding her own way, it made it even more clear about how important it is love yourself and to know the love of God. I knew her main purpose for our talk was about how to deal with the "notice" phase of a relationship, but I could not in good conscience let that be the focus and neglect where own personal and spiritual well-being. Too many relationships start when we are not even at our best selves. People spend so much time and energy trying to be with someone instead of learning to be happy in their own skin. I'm not anti-relationships but I am very pro-healthy and whole lives. Woman want the guy to meet all these benchmarks on their list never realizing that she doesn't quite measure up herself.

If he needs to have a great relationship with God, so do you.
If he needs to love children, so do you.
If he needs to be good with money, so do you.
If he needs to know what he wants to be doing in 5 years, so do you.
If he needs to have good morals and values, so do you.
If he needs to have boundaries, so do you.
If he needs to respect you, so do you.

I firmly believe that no man or woman should be in a position to make someone happy. That expectation is too unrealistic and unhealthy. No one should have that much control over your emotional well-being. Your significant other should add onto the happiness that you already have in your fulfilled, purposeful, and passion filled life. Together, you will both travel down the same path together, becoming better as a unit, operating in the calling that God has for you as that unit. Sometimes people think that my idea of God center relationships are a little far reaching and almost unrealistic, but I know my God well enough to know that He writes stories like this everyday. Nothing is impossible for Him and He takes delight in showing His majesty and power in the form of a healthy, godly relationship.

A Covenant In The Making

I spent a few hours with my lovely friend and spiritual sister, Jillian, tonight. She is preparing for wedding next month and I couldn't be more happy for her. I remember meeting her for the first time at La Madeline at our first small group meeting of 2010. Though kinda shy and reserved in the beginning, our random trip to crash the youth ministry's spring break conference sealed our friendship thanks to a little baptism of the Holy Spirit. We have shared stories, trials, triumphs and wisdom along the way. My heart just smiles at the thought that she will be united in a God anointed covenant marriage with God's absolute best for her.

The anticipation of the pending marriages of couples that honored God through out their relationships are so much more intense and spiritually driven. The atmosphere is different and the expectations for God to move during that time is so much greater. For couples that did not honor God in their relationship by having sex outside of marriage or not submitting to His will usually have a ceremony that is centered around them. For couples that remained pure, sought wise counsel, entered into a godly courtship, had accountability, and allowed God to be in the center of it have a ceremony that gives God honor and glory. The day is not about celebrating the couple so much as it is about celebrating the amazing goodness of God.

In our conversation tonight, I remembered running across a blog entry from my FAVORITE photographer Ross Oscar Knight about this awesome Christian couple that he photographed for their engagement and wedding. Robert and Tia have a beautiful story about wedding preparation and just the magnificent blessing that is released to others when they witness what a covenant marriage looks like (I don't want to ruin it so just read for yourself). Jillian was thrilled to hear about all that happened because of Robert and Tia's faith in God and wanted to do something similar. After running it by her fiancee' Keith (who called while I was there to pray with her over the phone like they do every night...love that), he was on board.

God is such a God of order. I love how He puts things together in such an intricate and precise way, it blows my mind. Ross and his wife Brandi are Christians and he unashamedly attributes everything that he is to his faith in God. I discovered his work some years ago when a proposal he photographed went viral and I was emailed the link. I have been a fan since then. Last year, he hosted a contest for a free engagement photo shoot to a deserving engagement couple and I nominated my friends Elsy and Alvaro. Low and behold, Elsy and Alvaro were picked and had a great session. This is by far my favorite picture of them:



This time around, a random blog from Ross's site I remembered seeing almost a year ago, has inspired my Jillian as well. I am excited to be apart of the planning and execution of this part of the preparation because I had been wondering what it was that could do to bless my amazing friends. God works everything out according to His will and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Boys Over Flowers

I must admit that I have a new love interest. One that has taken up quite a bit of my free time (what little I do have) and take over my thoughts with wonder. I am almost ashamed to admit it...actually no I'm not. I'm that awkward girl that likes all kinds of weird stuff.

I am in love with the Korean drama Boys Over Flowers.



When I visited Peru a couple of months ago, I remember some of the young Peruvian girls being completely obsessed with this Korean drama (kinda like a soap opera minus the endless story line and blatant sex) called Boys Over Flowers. For some reason its just struck me as odd that Peruvian kids were watching Korean shows. They were caught up in the fantasy world and desperately wanted their lives to be like the main characters. A few weeks ago, I was reminded again of the drama by a couple of girls in my small group and since I tend to have LOTS of down time at work, I figured I would check it out since it was available on Netflix (I have the app on my smart phone).

25 episodes, some tears, screams, near panic attacks, and victorious cheers later, I am finally finished with the entire series. Unlike American shows, Korean dramas don't drag on needlessly for 12 season until their is nothing left to write about. Korean dramas end after anywhere between 10-50 episodes. Boys Over Flowers was the most popular drama in South Asia about a year ago and it spread like wildfire to other countries. Now that it has ended, I honestly feel like I have parted ways with some old friends after experience a roller coaster of adventures, heartaches, mixed emotions, betrayals, disappointments, redemption and triumphs. I enjoy a good love story and this definitely was one I could appreciate without having to shield my eyes from flashes of half naked women.

If you have some free time and enjoy foreign shows, I would highly suggest Boys Over Flowers to anyone. It's a high school drama but a far cry from Gossip Girl and 90210. It's cheesy but heartwarming at the same time. The emotions of the actors is far beyond what I have seen before and it's truly what makes the show real. I hate that the show has ended but I am enjoying the memories and warm feelings I get when I remember the story. I don't watch TV much so I have no clue what is on but if they had more shows like this, I would probably watch more.

Enjoy!

Arms Wide Open

On Tuesday, I got the most random thought. Out of the blue, an old friend came to mind. He is someone I hadn't talked with in a couple of years and really hadn't thought much of either. He comes to mind in passing sometimes but with all the things that vie for attention in my life, reaching out to him never became a priority. Just like the fleeting thoughts of the past, I figured this one would go away rather quickly. But it didn't. I actually found myself looking him up online to see if I could get a glimpse of what was going on in his life.

I struggled most of the afternoon with thoughts of him. Nothing bad, just this nagging "reach out to him" kinda thought. I typed up a quick "just saying hi" message on my phone but couldn't hit send. With him being married, I felt like it was a little borderline disrespectful to contact him. I didn't want to cause any issues, so I didn't send the message.

But the nagging feeling didn't go away.

I spent the rest of the day, night and most of the morning on Wednesday kicking myself for punking out on sending the simple e-mail. I finally got over myself and sent the message that afternoon figuring not much damage could be done from saying "Hi, I hope you and your family are well." Knowing that my friend is online a lot, I knew it would be a relatively short turn around time for a reply. I was right.

I wasn't prepared for the news that he shared. Him never being one to sugar coat things, he was very direct and open about what was going on in his life. Without going into details, my heart broke for him and his current circumstances. Despite our obstacles and fumbles when we were closer, he is a pretty decent guy and an amazingly devoted father. Anytime he hurt, I hurt. Even now and its been years since we last spoke.

I replied that I was truly sorry to hear what was going on. I wanted to know how he was holding up, how his kids were. But he didn't reply right away. I was at a crossroads at that point. I believe in God and he does not. Offering to pray for him would not be received well and I knew that. I knew that in the span of time it would take for him to reply, he was going to look me up on the net to see what was going on in my life. I knew that he would run across the plethora of blog posts or random musing about God I have written. I knew our e-mail exchange would be brief after that. I was prepared for that. I was okay with that.

When I got the idea to reach out and see how he was, it was never with the intention of shoving Jesus down his throat. It was never to flaunt my faith before him and to spark a debate. There were no motives, no pretense, nothing. Just a sincere desire to check in with a friend who seriously left a mark on my life. I wanted to know how school was going, how his wife and kids were, what new ventures he was undertaking. He is a brilliant man, great conversationalist, and in my eyes, the differences on God didn't matter. To me, I see him for the regular guy he is.

He finally responded this afternoon confirming what I already expected. He'd found my blog and called me more religious than when we met. He hoped that I wasn't following blindly. I knew that my heartfelt concern was being overshadowed by our difference in belief. My heart literally felt like it was going to break. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't stop them from falling. I felt sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because my friend was so guarded that he couldn't see that someone truly did care about what he was going through. I was angry because I thought back to the stories about how fanatical "Christians" would attack him and his family because they didn't believe in God. It's people like that who use judgement and condemnation to spew hatred and divide people. Sometimes, I don't blame non-believers for not believing based on the image that Christians portray. The church has really dropped the ball in showing the love of God to all people, believers and non-believers alike.

Everyone has a choice to believe in whatever they want. Doesn't make me any better or less of a person and the same goes for those that don't believe. I was a sinner when I didn't believe in God and I still sin and fall short after accepting God. I am not perfect and never will be. I just know that even in my sins today, I am forgiven and get another chance to get it right. I am not who I used to be and it is truly a miracle that I am here today. I can't deny Him. I won't relent. I won't stop being nice and caring for my friend and his family from afar. I won't stop rooting for him and desiring the absolute best for him in all he does. I won't stop loving people unconditionally and seeing them for the people they are, not the titles they carry. I won't stop loving with my arms wide open.

Love God. Love People. Prove it.

My Delight Is In Her

Today is a girly day. One of those days were I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. Raw and exposed. Intentionally. I've come to the realization that there are some little parts of my heart that still have holes in it that I have been trying to hide from God. Stupid move because as I sometimes forget that He already knows the condition of my heart, even if I never say a word.

I am realizing that there are some issues that I thought I was whole and healed from but in all reality, I was just ignoring them. I am the Queen of ignoring something until it goes away, praying that it doesn't rear its ugly head again at the most inopportune time. But lately it has. In the form of dreams. Dreams about him. For the most part, that chapter has been written and ended and for the most part, I feel that I am completely okay with leaving the past in the past.

But God has this amazing way of bringing to the light areas of our lives that we try to hide from Him that are still a little tender to the touch. I had my moment of clarity and honesty when I let the floodgates open about how I was really feeling.

I miss him. Not the relationship, but just him. His presence in my life. I miss the security he provided. The comfort, the listening ear, the encouragement, the validation, the friendship. For so many years, he was this prominent figure in my life, in my world. Luckily when things ended, I was not left this big gaping hole. I was okay with our transition out of each life. It was needed because I needed to free myself to follow Christ, to grow up, to be rescued.

Being surrounded by courting and married couples reminds you of your single status. I'm okay with that but its hard to escape that twinge of something in your heart. Yet over the last few weeks, God has been speaking to me about issues that I have not been wanting to address out loud even though it has taken up residence in my mind.

A few weeks ago, I took Ancient Paths 2 at church. 1000% more impactful that the first class. This was the first time I heard the scripture Isaiah 62:2-4 which says:

The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.

My intercessor for our group prayed this blessing over me. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and at our last Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study session, Beth mentioned again Isaiah 62:2-4. Hephzibah. This past Friday at the women's conference, Beckah Shae mentioned having a dream with the name Hephzibah. It means "my delight is in her" from Isaiah 62:4.

Its funny how I've been longing for some affection and praise from someone that God purposefully removed from my life so that He can be the one give me affection and praise. He has been saying "I delight in you" for weeks. To Him, I am a royal diadem and I have been crowned with splendor. He delights in me. I am Hephzibah. For real. All these things I have been longing for, God already promised to be that for me in the form of the Holy Spirit. John 14:16 (AMP) says:

And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever--.

My dreams about my past, the twinges in my heart, is just God trying to fill the empty spaces in my life that I pretend are not there. He can't mend what I wont let go of. Thank goodness He is patient with me because I can be stubborn and controlling and try to patch myself up when I think He isn't looking. But He is jealous for me and would rather speak to me than to let me keep nursing an open wound.

He gets me.

Dreaming Again...Geez

OK so now things are starting to get a little weird. I am not a dreamer. I mean I dream at night just like everyone else does and about 98 percent of the time, I forget what my dreams are about. But lately I have been having these reoccurring dreams about a certain blast from the past. I can say with all confidence that I don't sit around thinking about this person. I actually don't think much of them at all nowadays. I don't harbor any unresolved feelings nor do I pine away with the "what if" game. This chapter is closed.

Seriously.

Yet, Saturday night I dreamed about them again. This time, it was our wedding day. I saw myself in a simple white, flowly gown and my hair was longer and straight. I felt in love in the dream, yet apprehensive and nervous. As I walked to the wedding venue, I was disgusted by the condition or the building. It looked like a regular run down store front. I opened the rickety door and I was standing right at the altar, looking at 3 bridesmaids in the most hideous coral hued gowns and tacky decor all around. I turned and walked away.

Through out the rest of the dream, I found myself walking along a beach in my wedding dress, running into various faceless people that kept asking me why I walked away. My only excuse: I didn't like the colors or the decor. Never once did I think or feel like I was marrying the wrong person or making a huge mistake. I genuinely wanted to marry him and felt so bad for leaving him at the alter. I found myself frantically asking everyone had they seen my groom, fearful that I had made the biggest mistake all because of some minor issues.

But he found me. He found me.

I pulled up in a jeep on the beach. I don't recall ever seeing his face and his build was heavier than he is today but the name was the same. He hugged me. No anger, just relief. He found me. He promised that I could have any kind of wedding I wanted, as long as I didn't leave again. I was happy. I was in love. I was safe. He found me.

I have no clue what any of these dreams mean. Maybe they are some repressed feelings buried deep in my subconscious. Maybe they are just a subconscious manifestation of my desire to get married period, not specifically him. Who knows? I've prayed about it. No answer as of yet.

We shall see what happens next.

"This Is What I Have For You"

I'm sitting here still in awe of what I witnessed last night. I went to a house warming for Lauren and Jarvis Gatlin which was also a birthday celebration for Jillian thanks to her wonderful fiancee' Keith. The night was filled with prayers, blessings spoken over the house and newlyweds, gifts, laughs, more prayers and blessings between Keith and Jill, more laughs, an engagement video, great food and worship. It was a blessing to see the beauty in couples that honor God before and after marriage.

As I twirl my purity ring around my left ring finger, I am laughing at how God moves and speaks. A week ago, out of the blue, I got the idea in my head that I needed to switch my ring from my right ring finger to my left finger. Now I know it was a God thing because there really isn't any way I would convince myself that putting my ring, which looks likes a wedding band, on THE wedding finger. I've worn it on my right finger ever since a guy mistaken thought I was married after looking at my hand. To me this, ring signifies my commitment to honor Christ in my thoughts, actions and with my body, but not to be a man repellent. While at the party, I felt the strong nudge to take the step of faith and switch my ring to my left hand. After a few minutes of going back and forth with the idea, I gave in and switched the little silver band to THE ring finger.

And I was okay with it. In that moment of obedience, I stopped worrying about whether or not men will mistake this purity ring as a wedding band and not approach me. I knew in my heart what the ring meant and since this was a God move, I trust Him enough to know that this wont stop His plan. I believe this was an act of faith and commitment. God's way of seeing if I really trust Him to release this aspect of my life to Him completely. I am certain I will have naysayers who will probably try to convince me that the ring on that hand is a bad idea. No worries though cause I trust God above what people say.

After basking in the moment of my bold move, I looked around the room. I saw several couples enjoying each other, laughing, praying, sharing a meal, enjoying the union that God had put together. I saw the Jensens, the Gatlins, Melissa and Elijah, Tierra and Chris, Keith and Jillian and other couples who all trusted God with their relationships. It was something beautiful to witness and be apart of. Hearing the men in one corner talk about guarding the hearts of their girlfriends, fiance's and wives took my breath away. Hearing the women talk about honoring God with their bodies so that they in turn honor their men was astounding. You don't hear that in the world cause only God has the power to orchestrate something so beautiful.

Then I heard God whisper "This is what I have for you." Everything that I was witnessing was available to me as well. There was no need to worry or be fearful. He still had a plan to finish penning my own personal love story in His time. My job was to be patient, faithful and obedient. He will take care of the rest.

God's Love Letter To Women

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breath life into his nostrils. But you woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone I shaped you, I modeled you, I created you perfectly and beautifully.

Your characteristics are as the rib: strong, yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The ribcage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart.

Support man as the ribcage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken for his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand by him and to be held close to his side.

You are My perfect angel… you are My beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and My eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes… don’t change them. Your lips, how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands, so gentle to touch. I have caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I have held your heart close to Mine. Of all that lives and breaths, you are most like Me. Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see Me or touch Me.

He could only feel Me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me, I fashioned in you; My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love, My protection, and support. You are special because you are an extension of Me. Man represent My image, woman My emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.

So man, treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt Me. What you do to her, you do to Me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart; the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father. Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness, show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.

Jesus Loves You

I can't take credit for these words. I found it on a blog by Joshua De Gracia from Grace Bible Church in Hawaii (my sister's church!). He is the founder of Know God Know Love. Though Joshua may not be the original author, I wanted to give him some credit since I got it from his site. Enjoy and spread to the world.

The Heart of My Father

Today has just been a day of emotions and confusion. I hate days like this because I feel like I am spending most of my time in my head and not really accomplishing anything. This is one of those days where I just kinda check out and rest so that I can get back into the fight. So many issues, feelings, and thoughts weighing on my mind that I am actually losing sleep. I have been losing the good fight with insomnia for a few weeks now and I think its finally taken its toll. You would think that I would just pray for a break through and release all these problems on God but this is one of those days where I am making the mistake of trying to deal with things on my own. I have to ask myself "How's that working for you?" knowing the answer would be "not so good."

Though I can't really muster up the energy or the faith to pray tonight, I know that God is listening to the rumbling in my heart and mind. As I sit here on my bedroom floor reflecting on my day and contemplating the content of my quarterly letter to Jesus I am about to write, I am listening to one of my favorite worship songs. The Anthem by Planet Shakers. As the music and lyrics soothe my ears and my heart, I can't help but embrace the tears that are falling. I am feeling rather emotional and girly right now. This is a night that I need the love and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it takes a worship song to pierce through all the doubt, fear, anxiety, and pride that keeps me from really hearing Him and being assured of things I already know.

Hallelujah. You have won the victory.
Hallelujah. You have won it all for me.
Death could not hold you down. You are the Risen King.
Seated in majesty. You are the Risen King.

Those words alone let me know that He hears me. He tells me that if He is the Risen King, then I am the beloved daughter of the Most High. I am the daughter of Royalty. I am His beloved, His fair one. I move His heart and He smiles at the thought of me. My name is etched in His hand in gold and He knows all the hairs on my head. He is the lover of my soul and the protector of my heart. He knitted me together in my mother's womb with love and care and He desires for me to live a life of blessing and abundance. He sacrificed His Son so that I may have the honor and pleasure of being in His presence at any moment of the day. He tells me that I can always trust Him, always depend on Him, always come to Him even in my darkest, most sinful hour. He has redeemed and cleansed me of my past and is preparing my heart and mind for a future that only He can orchestrate. He is the author of life and is penning a story so magnificent and so worthy of His beloved daughter that it brings joy to His heart. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

He sees every little bit of effort I make for the Kingdom. He sees my heart for Him, no matter how small I think it is. He sees my passion for Him even when it is waning. He sees my desire to come to Him even in my shame. He knows my thought, He knows my heart, He knows my intention and it all makes Him happy. I have already captured His heart when I decided to die to my old ways, pick up my cross and follow Him. I've ravished His heart and He anticipates every little moment that I spend with Him. He sees me. He sees me when my faith is tested and He pulls at my heart so that I don't fall far from Him. He tells me that I move His heart just with my mere presence. I move His heart. I move the heart of the King, my Father. He sees every bit of the longing in my spirit to draw nearer to Him even when my flesh is weak. He sees the sacrifices that I make even when I don't think He notices. He is pleased and proud. He is never disappointed, angry, or sad. He tells me that I really do make Him happy. His love for me is indescribable and too beautiful for words.

Cory Asbury's worship song Do You Know The Way You Move Me brought me to tears tonight as well as The Anthem by Planet Shakers. Unfortunately, Cory's song isn't available online but luckily I found the only site that has a copy of it. It's amazing and a great reminder of the heart of our Father.

Thanks for tears tonight, my Father. I am learning to embrace them, even in your presence.

Change of Heart

It is no secret that I desire to be married. In all honesty, I do believe God has placed me in a season of preparation to be a wife, but I am feeling a bit weird about it. Last year, God woke me up in the middle of the night with this one question, "What is a wife?" It's been almost a year since that question popped into my head. I think I have been shying away from answering that question because of the weight of seriousness I place on the role of a wife. Women get married every day but not every woman is prepared to be a wife. Once the glitz and the euphoria of the wedding day end, reality of the new role of wife set in. I never really think I am prepared for a new season that God places me in but He always knows what's best and is not afraid to challenge me. It might be time to start working on my "wife" assignment.

Some of the best wife preparation advice I have heard was from a married woman at church that I admire. She sympathized with some of us single gals in our desire to be paired with the one God has for us because not long ago, she was in our same situation. However, when she looked at the role of wife and the importance of marriage from God's perspective and compared it to her life at that time, she knew she wasn't prepared. When I look at my life today, I know I am not prepared to be a help mate.

But God is changing my heart. And in the most interesting and funny ways. I haven't been in a relationship in over a year and a half which is my longest bout of singleness ever. Totally my choice because I knew I needed to get guys out of my system for a season or two. It wasn't until recently that I actually started to notice guys again. I mean notice them in a sense that I would actually like to get to know them better when before I wouldn't even entertain the idea. I have become more and more transparent with my desire to be married and starting to really sit back and observe the inner workings of marriages from couples I admire. From Kat and Reggie, Dede and Avery and Quiana and Dexter, God has surrounded me with some fabulous examples of marriages that He is truly proud of. I have had the pleasure of seeing the rewards of couples that courted and honored God in the relationships before marriage and the benefits of it. I have even caught myself watching the cheesy wedding shows on WE and TLC. I have never envisioned having some over the top, budget busting show case for one day so those shows have never really appealed to me. But I am warming up to the idea that though the focus should be on the marriage, the celebration of the wedding day can be a big deal too and should be enjoyed by family and friends.

God definitely has a plan for our futures and He does hear the prayers that we whisper to Him. I have desired to be married and have made it known to Him so now is not the time to stick my head in the sand because of fear. I tend to get jaded at the idea of marriage because of so many unhappy and broken marriages that I have seen over the years. My parents were never married so growing up I never had an example of what a functional relationship let alone a marriage was supposed to look like. I sometimes feel like I am at a disadvantage because of that. But My Father is an amazing example of love, devotion, commitment, security, leadership, purpose and everything that a husband should possess. He is my blueprint and the husband that He has for me knows that as well. He desires for me to have His best and His best has already been chosen. We are both in our preparation seasons, allowing God to continue preparing our hearts and minds to meet each other. This will be an interesting season for sure.

Danny and Annie- A Love Story

Tonight, I had one of my regular conversations with my friend Kisha. She updated me on the marital problems of her god-sister and I was hoping for good news. Her god-sister and husband had been having some difficulties this year and my heart always aches for Christian couples that are struggling to find their way back to the happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, this latest update included an unexpected baby due to the husband's infidelity. Though they were working on getting past the affair, neither knew that the birth of a baby would be added into the mix. I have never met this woman but I sincerely admire her. She is a Christian wife and she takes her vows seriously. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. Through sickness and in health. This couple, married 11 years, have been through all of the above.

I kept asking myself, "What would I do if I were this wife?" Being a single person, it's hard to think about having to deal with something like that in a marriage that hasn't even happened. But, it makes me wonder if that's something that should be looming in the back of my mind. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity happens everyday. For this couple, infidelity has been a spirit that they carried around for years, lying dormant, and it has found a season to rear its deceitful head.

Stories like this and many others that I have heard or seen first hand from friends is enough to make me completely jaded and fearful of marriage. Infidelity is real. Even Christian couples are not immune to devastation like this. But at the end of the day, both the husband and wife have a choice. They have a choice to honor their vows and commitment to each other and God. They have a choice to deal with problems head on and not let them grow out of control. They have a choice to respect each other and their marriage. They have a choice to flee from temptation. They have a choice to be diligent and intentional about keeping God and His word in the center of their marriage. They have a choice to cherish the good times and fight through the rough patches. They have a choice.

I hate when issues like this cause me to feel weary of this amazing thing called marriage but I am human. Thankfully, God gave me a little heads up in the form of a YouTube clip to remind me that true love and devotion does still exist. It's funny that during my conversation with Kisha, I was trying to watch this clip but held off until I could give it my undivided attention. I was so distracted that I was certain I was gonna forget about the clip and probably never see it. Glad I did because it was just the spark of hope that I needed to be reminded that there are still magical love stories that God Himself pens. This is the story of Danny and Annie from Brooklyn, NY. This is by far the most inspiration and touching story of everlasting love that I have ever seen.

Enjoy

Desires of My Heart

I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.

I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.

I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.

I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.

From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.

I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.

So In Love...

I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.

Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.

He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.

I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.

Love Thy Neighbor

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." The second is this: "Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

How many of us know our neighbors? Not just know them by the brief "hellos" you exchange when you both happen to be outside at the same time, but really know your neighbors. Have you ever invited them over for dinner? Cheered their kids on at their little league game? Brought a casserole over because they were ill? Kept an eye on their house because they were out of town? Probably not.

We live in a society where everyone keeps to themselves. No one really watches out for each other or takes pride in keeping their neighbors and neighborhoods safe. We are so private and guarded that we turn a blind eye to others so no one comes looking into our own windows. How can we be followers of Christ and not love our neighbors?

In the past few weeks, the local news has reported of two families in Cobb County that were living in absolute squalor along with their children. On August 16, 2010, police responded to the call at the house of James and Anne Cardona and their two pre-school age girls. The 5 year old weighed 160 lbs, three times the normal size of a child her age, and could not walk 10 feet without wheezing. The 4 year old weighed 89 lbs, two times the size of a child her age and was found wearing a urine soaked diaper and sucking a bottle. Both had rotted teeth, filthy bodies and lice infested, matted hair. The house was infested with roaches and spiders. Bare mattresses were in bedrooms with stained floors and walls. The house smelled of rotted food, excrement, and dirt. Neighbors knew there were children living in the house, but why did it take so long for someone to report the living conditions? They knew the little girls could barely communicate because of the neglect but who cared enough to save them from the neglect? Who loved this hopeless family?

The second family in Cobb County was living in far worse conditions than the Cardona family. In Mableton just a few days ago, police finally responded to the desperate pleas of a woman who was concerned about her neighbors. Christian and Ruth Swanson were arrested for animal hoarding and child cruelty after police found maggot infested food, garbage piled to the ceiling and two decomposing animals in the bedroom of the two young girls that lived in the home. The refrigerator was full of rotten food and there was excrement in the bathroom. Some of the toys found outside had not been moved in a year. What was interesting about this case was the fact that a neighbor had called to the Department of Family and Children Services (DFCS) several times but was told they did not have enough evidence to investigate child neglect. Some of the neighbors reported hearing screams from the home. Others became concerned about the smell. Obviously no one from the state loved these children enough to take a concerned neighbor seriously.

What would happen if we all just stopped for a minute and introduced ourselves to our neighbors? What would our communities look like if everyone knew their neighbors and helped each other out if they were in need? How would the lives of children be changed if they knew that they lived in a safe and healthy environment because someone took the time to care for them? What would this world look like if every follower of Christ really loved their neighbors like the commandment says. Jesus' love would flow from house to house, neighborhood to neighborhood, city to city. People would have a comfort and peace that only Jesus can provide because they would see His love for them in action, all because someone loved thy neighbor.

http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=154358&provider=top

http://www.ajc.com/news/cobb/cops-marietta-girls-rescued-595523.html

I Really Do Make You Happy, God

It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.

A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.

My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.

So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.

This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."

Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.

I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.

I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.

The Price of Love

For a while now, I have had families on my mind. I noticed that families around me were crumbling, foundations shook loose, marriages tested. I know I have experienced attacks in my own family but my troubles seem to pale in comparison to the troubles others are experiencing. I thank God for His favor over my household, but I pray for His holy anointing on those around me.

LOVE. It's what everyone in the world is searching for. Single people are looking for someone to love them. Married people are looking for someone new to love. Children are crying out for attention and love from their parents. But God is love. So what's the problem?

I have realized that people are searching for a tangible love. Sure many of us know that God loves us like crazy but we still desire that tangible, here on Earth kind of love to keep us warm at night. The kind of love that makes us laugh, takes us out on the town, shares a meal or coffee with, make plans for the future type of love. We go to great lengths to find that love and even greater lengths to hold on to that love.

I sit and swap stories and ideas with my single friends about love and relationships and we are all usually on the same page. We are looking for godly men who are strong in their faith and walking out their purpose. I always quote Meredith Grey and say I want a man who is already "whole and healed." I envision God providing me with a leader, not a leader in training. Someone who can balance life and the church, while keeping God in the center of everything. Someone that will challenge me and keep me going after God. It amazes me how my criteria for men has changed over the years. It has gone from superficial non sense to character, personality, faith and purpose requirement. God has removed the veil to show me the traits that should mean the most, traits that don't lose value over time.

So why don't other people search for the traits that define a person instead of what they get at face value? Why do so many people pay such a high price for the sake of love?

If I haven't learned anything else of value over the past year of my journey with Christ, I've learned that you cannot love someone without understand how God loves each of us. God's love for us is the blue print, the standard. The longing feelings and desires for love that we feel are usually a void that is in our hearts that needs to be filled. Many of us go from man to man or woman to woman trying to fill that void that only God can fill. He is our living water, He is love. When I finally stop looking for love and allowed God's love to fill that empty space, my thirst was finally satisfied. My longing ended. But for some that's not enough.

Too many people are still searching for love, still trying desperately to hold on to what they think is love, sacrificing so much of themselves to maintain love. It's sad and it's not what God intended for us. Usually when my longings appear, that means I am not spending enough time having God pour out His love into my heart. I am not aligned with God, who is love. When I get my walk with God back on track, I no longer have that desire to seek out something that is already there. When relationships or marriages get rocky, people turn to someone else to fulfill that need that is missing. They are not in alignment with God and the enemy finds his way in. Marriages fail everyday because someone is longing for love. People stay in unhealthy relationships because they holding on so tight. People are so afraid of being alone, they compromise God's word for the sake of love. They trade God's truth with their own personal agenda. Such a high price to pay for love.

1 John 4:8 says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." If God is not your main source of love, the you don't know love and you don't know God like you should. If you are compromising your morals and the Bible's instructions in order to get or maintain love, you've already lost. God's love heals, redeems, transforms, sustains. Anything outside of Him is just like trying to catch air in a net; it will always slip through the cracks. Let God's love be your first love. Let His love be your main source of love and understanding. Let everything else be an addition to the love that He firmly plants in your heart.

My Father, the Dreamcatcher

Last night, I had a dream about you. In my dream, you came back to me after realizing that this is where you heart lay. You even gave me a ring. But that ring was used, second hand, dull, not sincere. And through out that whole dream, all I could think about were reasons why God didn't allow this union to happen in the first place. I actually felt doubt, uncertainty, unrest in my heart about you in that dream. Have never felt emotions in my dream, literally felt them like I was truly living these moments out in real life. God still speaks and moves, even in my dreams.

He is good...all the time.

I am a signs and wonders type of Christian. I believe in God, I know He is all powerful, still performing miracles and healing everyday. But sometimes God has to give me some confirmation before I recognize it is Him at work. I know most days, God is standing in Heaven, tapping His foot like "Really... you still need more proof that I am who I say I am? Get it together." But thankfully, God is patient and merciful and doesn't mind showing me for the millionth time that He's got me. Thanks Father...seriously.

I had been praying for God to reveal things to me in my dreams and as I go about my day. And of course, God being God, He obliges me. He gives me opportunities to witness to people, He gives me those "a ha" revelations at the strangest times, and He speaks in my dreams.

I have a tendency to wonder "what if" a lot and even worse, I "romanticize the past" as the charming Beth Moore calls it. I wonder "what if I handle this situation this way, even though I know its against your will for me?" Or "what if I seek out and pursue this guy I like, even though you've told me to wait?" Or I start to ponder the enemy's enchanting whispers that holding out for hope on someone God has saved me from, might make them come back.

Thankfully, my Father still has bigger plans for me and would rather keep tapping His foot in Heaven, than allow me to travel down the wrong path. It hit me on the drive home from hanging out with friends that God spoke comfort and peace into my heart in that dream. He understands I still struggle from time to time with really rationalizing the fact that I have let go and moved on, so He reminds me of the reasons why He spared me from making such a tragic mistake with that relationship. Being able to actually feel those feelings of doubt and unrest while dreaming was just a reminder of how I feel when I am awake and examine that relationship. Whenever I start down that "what if" path, God quickly reveals to me that He spared me from a relationship that was destined to be stressful, unhappy, complacent, and unfulfilled and totally unaligned with His idea of how a relationship and marriage is supposed to be.

Sometimes I wonder if my daydreaming is the cause of so many rocky relationships too. Well sort of. When my mind wanders about my current single status and the ever present desire to court and get married, God usually sends a broken relationship my way to examine. He reminds me with constant examples of what happens when people go outside His plan and do things their own way. It is revealed to me the consequences of couples that don't guard their hearts and adhere to sexual purity and allow sin to be center of their relationships, not Him. I am faced with adultery, broken trust, divorce, heartbreak, wasted year and unsatisfactory lives.

But my Father adores me. He thinks enough of me to spare me from that. He desires for me to be filled with blessings and happiness that He doesn't mind showing me the reality of what happens when I am impatient and decide to take matters into my own hands. Only a loving protecting father would go to such lengths to ensure that I inherit all the riches due to His beloved daughter. Doesn't get any better than that.