2 Years Ago Today...

2 years ago today, I found myself at a Fusion service that changed my life. For real changed my life. September 9, 2009...a day I won't forget.

Fusion had recently kicked off the Naked and Unashamed series and I had only been to maybe 2 services. But I was hooked. I loved it. Loved the worship, the people (even though I really didn't know anyone), the energy, and the fact that they were talking about relationships (one of my favorite topics). For some reason, I knew going into service that something was different. Earlier that day, I was at work listening to the God on Mute series. I got to the last message of the series and heard a woman named Angela give her testimony. She had an incredible story of sexual abuse, brokenness, despair and redemption. I was in tears by the time it was over because her story sounded like mine. I was thinking to myself how I wish I could meet Angela because her bravery in telling her story did something to me that made me want that type of freedom.

I get to service and Pastor Johnson and his wife Summer talk about healing from heartbreak. Healing from all the sins, scars and shame we carried around. I felt a tug in my heart.

Summer was transparent that night and revealed her own story of abuse and how it plagued her early on in her marriage. I was in awe. The pastor's wife had a story like mine? That's not supposed to happen! Pastors don't have issues like that. Us regular broken people do, not people called to preach the Good News. But I needed to hear her story that night. I needed to hear Angela's story that day.

I needed to know I was not alone and that being whole and healed was possible.

Pastor Johnson did an alter call. There was a cross on both sides of the stage and there were little blue slips of paper. He asked us to write down all of our sins, nail them to the cross, accept Jesus if we hadn't already and let Him set us free from bondage. I remember sitting in my seat with my blue slip of paper kind of embarrassed because I had a lot of sin in my life. Abuse, fornication, pornography, babies out of wedlock, lying, abortion, infidelity, insecurity, pride, brokenness, low self esteem, lack of faith, hopelessness, worthlessness, fear, abandonment issues, mommy and daddy issues, codependency.

Could Jesus really accept me with all my dirt and shameful ways? There is no way He could forgive me with ALL the stuff I had done. I was too scared to write everything down because it would fill up the whole paper! But then I remembered Summer and Angela. Both had shame in their past, both allowed God to heal them and now they are telling other people that He can do the same for them. Maybe He could save me from myself.

As the band played, I wrote out my sins, folded my piece of paper and stood in line to get to the cross. I was nervous and anxious but felt like I was making the right decision. The closer I got to the cross, the harder it was to hold back the tears. With every step closer, it felt like I was getting lighter and lighter. I had no clue what was happening to me. As I nailed that little blue piece of paper to that cross with tears pouring out of my eyes, I knew that this was the start of something new. I felt such a peace and a calm come over me as I stood before the cross. At some point, I stopped hearing the music play. I stopped hearing the people around me cry out to God. I stopped hearing Johnson shout for us to be set free.

In that moment, I met Jesus at the cross. I laid all my sins before Him to see. I could no longer keep going holding on them. And He took them all and gave me freedom. He released me from shame, guilt, hurt, and fear. I accepted salvation and He accepted the bruised and broken girl before Him. It was an amazing experience, one that I will never forget.

As soon as I got home, I emailed Summer and thanked her for sharing her story and explained all that had happened to me that night. To my surprise she emailed me back minutes later excited right along with me. Then to my absolute surprise, Johnson emailed me and asked if he could put my testimony on the Fusion Facebook page. I agreed because I learned the power of your testimony. Wonder if its still up there?

A couple of days later, I ran into my small group leader Lee. I told her about the amazing experience at the cross and Angela's testimony. I went on and on about how hearing her story just rocked my world and I wished I could meet her and thank her. With a smirk on her face, Lee told me that I was talking about Angela Kaupe, who just happened to be her friend and accountability. The following service, I got the chance to meet Angela and give her a big tear fulled hug. She was so nice and was absolutely glowing because her and her husband Mike were expecting a baby.

Here I am 2 years later and I couldn't be more happy about deciding to take Jesus up on His offer. Been a long yet AMAZING 2 year journey and He is still blowing my mind with His faithfulness. It's funny that one testimony started it all for me and now my heart has been burdened to create an outlet for others to share their testimonies and set more people free.

Wow...it's all making sense now. To be continued...

Stop Doing Church...Be The Church

I have been burdened lately with the idea that so many people are so content with just doing church that they forget that we have been called to be the church. It's hard to get people to serve, tithe, or participate in anything church related that will make them break out of their "I am a Christian on Sunday" routine. There are so many lost people in this world and if we don't take the Gospel to them, we are failing at the Great Commission.

Last week, I read a blog from Pastor Shaun King who announced that he was stepping down as senior pastor of Courageous Church, the church he planted just 3 years ago. There is no sex scandal or mismanagment of funds that caused him to make this decision. It was the fact that he was passionate about his church being doers of the Word of God and the majority of his congregation was content just hearing about it. He could give the most passionate message about doing outreaches in the community, donating money and resources to Haiti or focus on ending child sex trafficking right here in the city. Yet, when it came time to put action behind the newly stirred up hearts, the people didn't budge. They didn't show up for outreaches, they didn't donate to worthy causes, they didn't follow his vision to shift his church model to focus less on a Sunday service and more focus on being the hands and feet of Jesus in the community.

I am sure it was beyond heartbreaking for him to know that the very church he planted aptly named Courageous Church was more content on just doing a routine church service than actually being the church. I have followed Pastor Shaun and his efforts for change for a couple of years now so I can speak with confidence that this man has a heart for God and a heart for change on this Earth. It still baffles me how people, even at my own church, are just content sitting back while everyone else does the work of Christ. My pastor talked about the serving grace of God this past Sunday. He stressed that we should all have a heart to serve in the body of Christ as well as for the things that break the heart of God. Luke 22:27 says "Who is more important, the one who sits at the table or the one who serves? The one who sits at the table, of course. But not here! For I am among you as one who serves." If Jesus saw Himself as a servant, surely those of us that follow Him should have a heart to serve as well.

I feel rather lucky to belong to a church where 70% of our 10,000 member congregation serves faithfully. Whenever we have community wide outreaches, people donate time, money and resources faithfully. Whenever there is a need, our congregation steps up. When the floods in TN happened, our Fusion ministry had young adults there days later to help with clean up. We sent numerous teams to Haiti after the earthquake. We do community clean ups, furniture and clothing drives for the Clarkston refugees, Fusion on Tour, Sunday to Sunday, countless ministries that go into the community to serve, etc. We have accepted the call to do the works of Christ and to stand behind the vision of our church leaders when it comes to spreading the love of Christ community and world wide.

I am certain that Pastor Shaun and his family will continue to be change makers in the community and the world. Though the Courageous Church will revert back to their regular Sunday services, I pray that the seeds that Pastor Shaun has planted over the past 3 years will start to break through the soil of contentment. I pray that my own church home continues to press forward to shake off lukewarmness and embrace the call to serve.

Celebrate Jesus

It has been quite a crazy couple of weeks since I last posted because I have been crazy busy. I decided to take on a donation drive for Wellspring Living, a local non profit that helps former sex trafficking victims get the help they need. I thought of this earlier in the year but never did anything with it. After seeing The Candy Shop documentary, I was compelled to do something, anything.

I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.

Man did He ever.

My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.

I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.

My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.

Helpless...

Some days I have to remind myself that I don't have a huge S on my chest, nor do I don a cape when I leave the house. I do not possess super human strength or can leap tall building in a single bound. I cannot solve every crisis in 22 minutes on a TV show and there are not always happy endings. I'm just one person, standing with my faith in My Father and the promise that He makes all things work together for our good.

I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.

You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.

1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.

I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.

Desires of My Heart

I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.

I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.

I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.

I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.

From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.

I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.

Thank You

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I am sitting in bed nursing a cold and about to prepare to head out for the day. I decided to take a moment and reflect on this incredible year and all the things that I am grateful for. Yeah, its cliche' but that's what happens around the holidays. My life has gone from one extreme to the next over the past year and there is so much to truly be thankful for because of God's amazing grace and mercy on my life.

1. I am thankful for the amazing gift of salvation. Above all else, just knowing that my personal commitment to follow Jesus has saved me from a life of condemnation has changed my life completely. I was absolutely consumed my sin, guilt and shame until coming back to Christ and now I can't imagine my life without His presence.

2. I am thankful for my boys. I have been a mom for so long, I really don't know what life is like to be kid free but I don't think I would change a thing. Gavin is growing up to be such an amazing kid and warrior for God that it blows my mind. We've had our run ins due to growing pains and both of us trying to figure out this thing called life, but I believe calmer days are ahead. He is finding his way in life, making mistakes in the process, but is growing and flourishing with the guidance of the Spirit and I couldn't be more proud. Aiden is my fearless side-kick. He is a child with his own mind and own way of doing things. He can be stubborn like his mom but at the end of the day, he requires extra attention and affirmation just like his dad. He reminds me that even in the hustle and bustle of the day, that coming home and watching Transformers with him for the millionth time is better than any night out. These kids have saved my life in more ways than I could ever express.

3. I am thankful for my family. I come from a rather dysfunctional family full of emotional scars, mistakes, regrets, and a host of other things. But they are my family and I love them dearly. I hold nothing but crazy good time memories of growing up in a house that seemed to be on the go 24/7. From setting picnic tables on fires, countless ER visits, jalapeno pepper pies, to us all gathering to bury my great grandmother Elizabeth, they are my family. My brothers are my protectors and my sister is the little rebel that truly wants to be free to do life her way.

4. I am thankful for Victory World Church, Fusion and my community. I often blog about how much I love my community so of course they would make the countdown. Coming to Victory LITERALLY saved my life. I think if I had continued down the path that I was on, I would be lost forever. Finding myself in that hotel room in Kansas City, MO was the turning point that I needed to make a change but I needed some major support to keep me off the path of destruction. It took a minute to work the kinks out and my final encounter with Maurice the married man sealed the deal. It was on that day that I knew I needed to be serious about turning my life around and thank goodness for free will. God allowed me to hit rock bottom so that I could truly come to Him humble and broken.

5. I am thankful for my mistakes. I have made more mistakes than anyone in life should. Stupid mistakes that have lead to pregnancies outside of wedlock, a couple of abortions, sexual assault at the hands of someone I thought could trust, broke hearts, debt, damaged friendships, suicidal thoughts, depression and near catastrophic meltdowns. I look back at all that and laugh because my past is dead. I have been made new because He calls me His beloved. I am a TOTALLY different person than I was a year and a half ago and I mean the transformation has been miraculous. I am a reformed sex addict, porn addict, liar, broken hearted, emotional basket case who has found her worth and value. I am no longer bound by sexual sin, a spirit that ruled my life since childhood. I no longer seek the approval of men to determine my value. I laugh with no restraint, I dream beyond the natural, and my potential is endless all because I let Christ mend my broken pieces. I am free.

I could go on and on about all that I am thankful for but I think you get the point. I am loving the place of freedom that I am in and wouldn't change a thing. I am learning how to do life the right way. I have learned to guard my heart and value my relationship with my creator. I have learned to embrace people, all people, broken and whole, and love them all the same. I have learned to share my story with others to show of God's amazing redeeming power. I have learned to love those who curse me and watch God totally change their hearts. I have learned the value of community and accountability, the value of true friendships, and the value of being patient when it comes to desires of the heart. He knows me, flaws and all, and yet He still sees fit to create a new day just for me to enjoy. Life is good.

Seasons Change

It's been over a week since I have posted and this past week has been non stop crazy. Been mapping out some ideas and suggestions for Fusion service teams as I transition from service teams to small group apprentice next year. That was totally God ordained and timely because the desire had been there and I was surprised that Avery, Taina, and Liz McVicker were all in agreement that it is time for me to step into that new role. I've also decided to step out on faith and take on this project of collecting donations for the women at Wellsprings Living. God put the idea on my heart earlier this year and it wasn't until seeing the Candy Shop documentary at the Fox that I decided to act on it. So far so good and luckily I am friends with enough small group leaders to help spread the word. Planning and organizing has been time consuming but so worth it if my vision comes to past. Thank you for community.

I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.

There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.

So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.

He is good.

Angel and a Princess

Today, my heart was heavy for Shaniya Davis. This 5 year old angel died 1 year ago today. She died at the hands of the man who bought her for the purpose of having sex with her. Yes. Her mother sold her 5 year old daughter into sex slavery. 5 years old. I still remember seeing her picture on the morning news, all dressed in white, looking like my 4 year old niece's twin. I thought I saw my niece Kameron staring back at me, kidnap victim, alone, scared, young. I still remember thinking about Shaniya all morning and all afternoon. I remember follow the news reports and any tips from the AP wire I could find about whether or not she was found. I remember praying for this little girl. I remember reading on change.org that her body had been found along the side of a North Carolina highway. My heart literally broke into pieces.

I admit I was absolutely on fire about what happened to that little girl but I didn't know what I could do to help the cause. A few weeks later, I contacted Innocence Atlanta, who connected me to Redeemed Ministries, where I took the Hands that Heal training. My eyes were opened wide to the issue and I was astounded by the stats and lack of resources. Hundreds of girls on the streets every night and only a hand full of beds available in all of Georgia, if they wanted to escape the life. Crazy I know. Where is the justice?

Fast forward to June and it's Princess Night for Sunday to Sunday. My life would be forever changed by a young 19 year old girl named Sabrina. A girl who had been a prostitute for 3 years. Her rescue was something out of the movies, the sheer volume of time coordinating schedules for her care was mind numbing but the nights I spent in her presence were priceless. She shared about areas of her life freely and was almost like a kid again. Though Sabrina eventually went back to that life after coming and going a few times, I will never forget her face. I will never forget her love for Starburst and Vitamin Water. I will never forget her stories, or her nightmares as she slept. She will forever be our Princess.

I was that girl. I was the poster child for broken homes, generational curses, low self esteem as a child, lack of self worth, lack of direction, lack of God. Raised by a single mom, low income, mom's boyfriends in and out, no father of my own, abused for years. Raised in church but never knew God. I was that girl. I look back and I promise it was by the sheer GRACE of God that I didn't end up being pimped out by some grown man as a kid. Yeah I was smart in school and had friends, but I had more inner turmoil, more dark secrets and shame than anyone ever imagined. I needed love, I needed someone to notice me, I needed someone to love me and take care of me. I was always one "hey pretty girl" away from being lead completely astray. I was that girl. I guess that's why my heart aches for girls that become victims because that truly could have been me. I fit the profile of the 12 year old girl being forced into sex slavery. I was that girl.

When I think of all that God saved me from, even when I didn't know He was working in my favor, I can't imagine my life not speaking up for those whose life mirrored mine years ago. Pastor D always says there is purpose rooted in pain. God can use something bad in your life and use it for good. I am allowing Him to use me, mold and stretch me anyway He sees fit. I cannot even begin to show God my gratitude for redeeming me, for His perfect love that has cast out fear, for His amazing power that I cannot fathom with my natural mind, for rescuing me from a life that would lead me straight to Hell, for calling me His Beloved. I was that girl, bound and broken, but I have been set free and made whole again.

Iron Sharpens Iron

Tonight was truly a night to remember and a night to cherish. My small group leader, Taina, decided to host a small, intimate event for the single moms she knew. I usually don't care for single mom oriented stuff because it usually ends up being a "man bashing, I need to find a man" session. This was truly special and I am so grateful for her in so many ways.

I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.

I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.

Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.

I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?

Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.

So In Love...

I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.

Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.

He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.

I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.

Faith

One of the most powerful words I know of besides Jesus, is faith. Faith is a trust in things that are unseen. It is by faith that we are saved in Jesus Christ. None of us here on Earth now have every seen Jesus, but it is our faith in His life, death, and resurrection that frees us from sin and condemnation. It is by faith alone that we are given the gift of salvation. Strong stuff.

Our faith or lack there of can make or break us. I believe that society's lack of faith in God is what is destroying our nation and our world. People kill themselves each and every day because they lacked the faith to know that God will bring them out of their temporary situation. People give up hope because they believe that God has forgotten about them. One set back can be the end all be all for someone that does not have a strong faith in the Creator. It breaks my heart for people that are close to me to not have faith that their situation is only temporary. It breaks my heart that they idolize trivial issues and ignore God's desire for them. It's eye opening how some people walk through life covered in confusion and sin and still don't think to submit to God to be released from their struggles.

I am grateful for my life of brokenness and despair before coming back to Christ because I see the world with a new set of eyes. I know what its like to be absolutely bound to sin and shame and I also know the pure joy and love of God and the freedom in Him. Even when I am going through my own storms and battles, I lean on my Savior for strength and come to Him with a heart of thanksgiving for the works that I know He is already doing in my life. Why doesn't everyone get that? Why doesn't everyone know how life saving faith is?

It's times like these that I am extra grateful to have the love of my Savior poured over me and to have the desire to show His love to others. It's moments like this where I know how strong the need for the Gospel is because this world is so broken and desperate. Praying for a revival of spirits and lives and true encounters with the Risen King. So in love with my Savior right now for loving me.

Day 11: Free Thinking

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." 1 Corinthians 3:17-18 NLT

I love the fact that through Jesus, I have been set free. Free of everything. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation, freedom from the world. I still have to remind myself to stay pure in my thoughts and in my intentions so that I can remain free from the bondage of sin. I don't see movies or televisions shows the way I used to. I find myself turning from shows that have sex scenes in it and refrain from some movies all together. I was rather proud of myself for not seeing Takers because I am pretty sure it was filled with sex, drugs, and sin. Why be accepting of the very sins that Jesus died to save me from? That has been one of those eye opening revelations I have had lately. When you think of things in the world with that prospective, it makes it harder to do and view things that you once did.

I try not to make my walk with Christ a list of rules and restrictions. I sometimes get disappointed when I know I am not living up to God's expectations of me but I have to remember that I am going to fall short of God's glory...many, many times again. He doesn't expect me to be perfect which is why He supplies me with ample grace and mercy each new day. He just wants me to have pure thoughts and intentions. A clean heart and a clean mind. Free from things that can keep me bound and far from Him.

Yeah, it does suck to have to forfeit some of my favorite shows, movies, or music but the less and less I expose myself to those things, the cleaner my spirit becomes. After a while, it doesn't even bother me anymore because I know that my restraint is pleasing to my Savior. My intention is to please Him and not my flesh so the sacrifice is very much well worth it.

I know there are still areas of my life that need to be completely free from. I am still working on allowing God to be my fulfillment and not long for an Earthly companion (who doesn't!). However, I do know that me settling for anything less than God's best is not an option which I know is pleasing to Him as well. This is my period of reconstruction and molding. My "in the course of time" period with just me and Jesus. I also know I need to set myself free from thinking that I need to be in control of what happens in my life and the life of others. God has totally revealed that I cannot be any one's Savior and it's not my job to save the world. It hurts to see friends and family struggling with sin, shame and guilt but at the end of the day, my salvation is not theirs. My devotion to God is not their devotion. My testimony is not their answer. Each person has their own gift of salvation and has to answer to God for the sin and shame in their lives. My story can be a reflection of God's grace and power, but the people I encounter have to make their own decision to follow Him and to live out His commandment and turn against sin.

I look back on my life then and now and know that the shackles of sin have been removed. I am free to live under God's covering and have been giving power and authority to keep myself free and to help free others. For that I am thankful.

Day 8: In Awe

"Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping Him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire." Hebrew 12:28-29

When was the last time I stood in awe at God's amazing power? It would have to be a couple of weeks ago at small group when I read the letter I wrote to Jesus and I was in tears at just the sheer fact that He was faithful. He had transformed my life in such a way, it's mind blowing. He answered prayers I had forgotten I prayed. He poured out His love on me even during times when I doubted Him.

I also think back to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go see the movie "Takers" with some of the girls. Yeah I was a little on the broke side that day, but I was really feeling weird about seeing that movie. I am trying to be more careful about what I put before my eyes, and it was something about that movie that I know I would struggle with. Instead I stayed home, and watched hours of Youtube clips of Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baracka, Canton Jones, and Passion 4 Christ Movement poetry and messages. Man, talk about an awesome night and I was left in amazement at how God totally fulfilled me way more than that movie would have. Just being in His presence and letting the Holy Spirit speak to me was amazing.

This devotional talked about how in our society, nothing really leaves us in awe even though God's grace and power should always leave us in awe. We should continually have a praise for Him for just the little lessons He teaches us and even the major trials He brings us through. I know I need to challenge myself more to remain in a state of awe and praise for Him because each day that He breathes life into my heart and lungs is another day to glorify Him. Each day He gives me a chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus is a time to stand in awe of Him. He is working miracles and blessings even moment of the day and for that, He deserves praise.

I believe I need to challenge myself more to find ways to glorify Him and bear witness to His power. I have this desire to be completely sold out and go hard for Christ that it's crazy. Have to see where all this energy leads me.

He IS Faithful...

Last night was awesome. We had our regular Beauty For Ashes small group, but this meeting just did something to my heart. We met at the cross at Victory and spent some time in prayer and meditation as Angie called each one of us to the walking path. When she called my name, I really didn't know what to expect, but I knew this was going to be an evening of reflection and discovery. Angie explained that we have to learn to be faithful to God everyday because He is always faithful to us. As we walked, she quote the scripture Matthew 25:29-30: "For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

It's funny because I had read that very scripture the night before. I took that as confirmation that I need to be faithful to God in the little things that He gives me, so that I can live in abundance. Funny cause, that was the message Jeff Hidden gave this morning. Kingdom Thinking. I'm listening.

When I got to the end of the path, Nesha was waiting with an index card with the scripture Psalm 86:15: "But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Again, the message was faithfulness. She gave me a letter to read with instructions and also the letter that I wrote to Jesus 7 months ago at the start of our small group. As I read my letter, I was amazed at where was I was then and where I am now. I asked for healing for forgiveness for denying Him and doubting Him. I asked to encounter Him and to know His love for me. I asked Him to challenge me, to encourage me, to break me out of my shell, to give me boldness, baptism in the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to pour out His love and grace on my family and to strength the Godly relationships with the women He had placed in my life. When I tell you He was absolutely faithful in everything I desired, I was in awe. God did everything I asked of Him. He is faithful beyond understanding. He is in covenant with me and will give what my heart desires according to His will for me. He is faithful even when I am not.

In my letter, I promised to always have a burning passion for Him. To always be devoted to praising and worshiping Him. To continually die to myself and follow Him. I don't feel like I held up my end of the bargain. There are days when I am not sure He will come through for me. There are days when I pray and I can't hear Him, so I get discouraged and wonder if He cares. Sure I have my days, when I am just immersed in Him love and grace. Yet, there are days when I feel so disconnected from Him that I don't know how to fix it. I've felt that way lately. Very disconnected, faith kinda waning, fear and worry consuming me. But He was faithful to me, even when I was not to Him. That's how much He absolutely adores me. I am the daughter of a King and He treats me as such each and everyday. I just have to be faithful and return that same devotion.

I desire to be faithful and trusting in God in every area of my life. Every area. From finances, friendships, relationships, decisions, career, time. Every area. When I am faithful and good with the little things that God entrusts in me, He will pour out an abundance of blessing to me. I should be faithful because He is faithful. Now, I know I wont be perfect and there will be times of doubt and trouble. Yet, I have to always remember that my Father has proven to be a provider, a healer, a protector, a loving Father and many other things, so I know that I will always stand tall and stand in His victory.

I know that being faithful does not happen over night. I know this will be a process, a transformation. I know I need to renew my mind, body and spirit and become aligned with Him. Learn to trust Him and have dark areas of my heart revealed and fixed so that I can carry on. I bought a 90 day devotional back in late January, early February when I took the courtship class. I read it for a few days, and it was good, but I didn't stick with it. My letter that proved God is always faithful was written 7 months ago, around the time I purchased this book. Figured God had every intention of me getting that book, seriously. So, I have decided to embark on a 90 day assignment of purifying my mind, body and spirit. Each day, I will read my devotional and seriously think about what it is that is being revealed to me. My thoughts and revelations will be documented here so that I can go back and look at Day 1 three months from now and look at what God had done. I am excited and hopeful and ready for Him to reveal His purpose and love for me.

Jesus Talk

I have a confession...I am a Facebook junkie. Seriously. It's to the point where I check Facebook when I get up in the morning, before I go to bed and I check it maybe a 100 times during the day. Facebook is up on the next tab while I type this.

I am just like the other 40 gazillion people that update their statuses every hour and post a 1000 pictures a day. But, I think I'm slightly different than the rest of the Facebook community. I try to spread the love of God as much as I can to the 500+ friends I have. Yeah that's a lot of time to do some Jesus talk (thanks Aaron for coining that phrase this morning).

I never really thought the scriptures or Christian song lyrics I put registered with anyone outside my church friends. Didn't know my random praises to God for moving in my life pierced the heart of some of my friends living outside the faith. But it does. They've told me. Score one for the Kingdom.

I have a friend who I have known since middle school. We both had similar families and grew up in the church like every other kid in Columbus, MS. She moved to Georgia a few years ago and we keep in contact from time to time. We hang with different crowds and our lives are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. She likes to party, I live to hang with my small group friends and do outreaches. She likes flashy cars and clothes, I get excited about spring dresses at Wal-Mart. But Facebook is our common ground.

My church's youth ministry, 212, had their annual spring break trip to the GA mountains called Ignite. I had never been but heard amazing testimonies and of course my middle schooler was going. So some friends and I headed up to Jasper, GA for a night I will never forget. This was the night I was baptized in the Holy Spirit for the very first time. Completely jacked up with a gym full of young Jesus freaks. When I finally stopped shaking and laughing in the streets, I updated my Facebook status to give God His glory.

Then it happened. I got an email from my party friend. She had been checking out my saved and sanctified status updates and this one just spoke to her. She wanted to know what church I attended where the kids were that on fire for God. I told her about Victory, Fusion and 212. She agreed to come to Fusion the following Wednesday. Score two for the Kingdom.

My friend enjoyed the service, the awesome Fusion band and the fact that 300+ people that were our age were jumping, singing, and dancing praises to God. She had never seen that before. She only came to that one service and hasn't asked about coming again, but she did admit that she felt like God was calling her back to Him. She took that leap of faith to come and visit a church, thanks to a Facebook status.

A co-worker of mine stopped me in the mail room and told me that she enjoys reading my inspirational messages on Facebook. It makes her want to get her relationship right with God. During my s2s trip, a old high school classmate sent me a private message on Facebook asking if I could pray for her to get out of controlling relationship. Another co-worker likes to read about the ministry work I do, like rescuing Princess from sex slavery. Another co-worker asked me to pray for her. My co-worker Aaron tagged me in a post just this morning thanking me for my Jesus talk. Score 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 for the Kingdom.

Paul said in Corinthians that we are all living letters. My Fusion Pastor Johnson Bowie, reminds us that our lives should be a reflection of Jesus Christ because sometimes we are the only bit of Jesus some people get. I strive to always "be Jesus" cause I never know who is watching. Never know who needs that bit of inspiration, that jolt of faith. Never know what seeds we plant with just a Facebook status update.

Back to Facebook for some more Jesus talk.