"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:7-11
I have always like Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you. God is all powerful and grants the desires of our heart, yet I do believe I have used this as more of a bargaining tool than anything. I have prayed the prayers in crisis, asking God to come through one more time and I will never put myself in that position again. He comes through and I find myself right back where I started. He always proves to be faithful even when I am not. Still scratching my head on that one.
That Brennan Manning quote has been stuck in my head for weeks now and it reminds me that God will never forsake me even when I don't hold up my end of the bargain. So in essense, why try to manipulate God? He knows my heart and mind when I come to Him in prayer, so why even try to make these grand gestures when I know I will still fall short of His glory? That's been something that has been kinda weighing on my mind. I don't need to put on this front for God when I come to Him because He knows my every thought and every desire. He just wants me to come to Him naked, unashamed and with boldness. I don't need to be afraid to come to Him with anything. I sometimes thinks He gets a kick out of it when I do become transparent with Him because that's when He says "You finally did it." That's when I get my greatest peace and rest. That's when I see Him move the most.
Why is it so hard to stay in a state of transparency with Him all the time? I know what it feels like when I lay all of my burdens at His feet and the pleasure He gets when I come to Him boldly with things. So why don't I do that all the time? Hmmm. I think sometimes I try to rationalize and understand how great He really is and put limits on His infinite power. His thoughts are not my thoughts so my scope of understanding pale in comparison to what He can do. When I start wondering if I should bring something to Him, I am placing limits on what I think He can do. I start trying to disect things and that's when the bargaining begins. I come to Him thinking, "If you just handle this little part of my problem, then I can handle the rest." God wants me to come to Him and simple say "Here it is." He wants me to be obedient to the Matthew 7:7 command: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Such a powerful, yet simple statement. Ask God for what you need and watch Him work.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 8: In Awe
"Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping Him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire." Hebrew 12:28-29
When was the last time I stood in awe at God's amazing power? It would have to be a couple of weeks ago at small group when I read the letter I wrote to Jesus and I was in tears at just the sheer fact that He was faithful. He had transformed my life in such a way, it's mind blowing. He answered prayers I had forgotten I prayed. He poured out His love on me even during times when I doubted Him.
I also think back to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go see the movie "Takers" with some of the girls. Yeah I was a little on the broke side that day, but I was really feeling weird about seeing that movie. I am trying to be more careful about what I put before my eyes, and it was something about that movie that I know I would struggle with. Instead I stayed home, and watched hours of Youtube clips of Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baracka, Canton Jones, and Passion 4 Christ Movement poetry and messages. Man, talk about an awesome night and I was left in amazement at how God totally fulfilled me way more than that movie would have. Just being in His presence and letting the Holy Spirit speak to me was amazing.
This devotional talked about how in our society, nothing really leaves us in awe even though God's grace and power should always leave us in awe. We should continually have a praise for Him for just the little lessons He teaches us and even the major trials He brings us through. I know I need to challenge myself more to remain in a state of awe and praise for Him because each day that He breathes life into my heart and lungs is another day to glorify Him. Each day He gives me a chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus is a time to stand in awe of Him. He is working miracles and blessings even moment of the day and for that, He deserves praise.
I believe I need to challenge myself more to find ways to glorify Him and bear witness to His power. I have this desire to be completely sold out and go hard for Christ that it's crazy. Have to see where all this energy leads me.
When was the last time I stood in awe at God's amazing power? It would have to be a couple of weeks ago at small group when I read the letter I wrote to Jesus and I was in tears at just the sheer fact that He was faithful. He had transformed my life in such a way, it's mind blowing. He answered prayers I had forgotten I prayed. He poured out His love on me even during times when I doubted Him.
I also think back to a couple of weeks ago when I was supposed to go see the movie "Takers" with some of the girls. Yeah I was a little on the broke side that day, but I was really feeling weird about seeing that movie. I am trying to be more careful about what I put before my eyes, and it was something about that movie that I know I would struggle with. Instead I stayed home, and watched hours of Youtube clips of Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baracka, Canton Jones, and Passion 4 Christ Movement poetry and messages. Man, talk about an awesome night and I was left in amazement at how God totally fulfilled me way more than that movie would have. Just being in His presence and letting the Holy Spirit speak to me was amazing.
This devotional talked about how in our society, nothing really leaves us in awe even though God's grace and power should always leave us in awe. We should continually have a praise for Him for just the little lessons He teaches us and even the major trials He brings us through. I know I need to challenge myself more to remain in a state of awe and praise for Him because each day that He breathes life into my heart and lungs is another day to glorify Him. Each day He gives me a chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus is a time to stand in awe of Him. He is working miracles and blessings even moment of the day and for that, He deserves praise.
I believe I need to challenge myself more to find ways to glorify Him and bear witness to His power. I have this desire to be completely sold out and go hard for Christ that it's crazy. Have to see where all this energy leads me.
Victory Over Craigslist, but the Fight Continues
The popular site, Craigslist, has come under some serious fire in the past couple of months because of their adult ad section. The blatant sexual ads have become almost like an internet catalog for men looking to buy sex. The sex trafficking industry has used sites like Craigslist to expand their clientele base, moving from the seedy tracks to cyberspace. There is no shortage of underage girls and enslaved women being bought and delivered to the highest bidder.
Yet, after the media storm shed light on this new avenue of sex trafficking, many states put pressure on Craigslist to remove their adult section and finally take responsibility for their part in the global crisis. On September 4, 2010, Craigslist finally stepped up to the plate and removed the adult section from their website. This proved to be a small victory in the ever expanding sex trafficking business.
Although this is indeed a victory to be applauded, we must not get so lax and think that is the end of the war. The demand for sex is astronomical and the supply is simply moving to a new location. Many experts are weighing in on the fact that although Craigslist has removed their adult section, there are plenty of other sites available and in use right now to promote prostitution. Sites such as Backpage.com and Adultfinder.com are welcoming the former Craigslist pimps and johns with open arms.
I applaud Craigslist for removing the adult section, but I am confident in saying that it was more of a PR move than a mandate. Why isn't the government doing something to crack down on sites that are obviously involved in the exploitation and trafficking of women and children? We have Section 230 of the Communication Decency Act to thank for that. This piece of legislature states that "No provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider." In other words, Craigslist nor any other website can be held liable for what is published on their sites or the actions that occur as a result of something posted on their site. The powers that be have pretty much left the door open for sex trafficking on the Internet to continue until these types of sites are held accountable for their part in the promoting and advertising sexually exploited victims.
The battle has been won, but the fight continues. Hopefully, at some point, companies will stop hiding behind the law and stand up for victim's right. Until then, advocates will continue to put the pressure on them, one site at at time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_230_of_the_Communications_Decency_Act
http://www.citmedialaw.org/section-230
http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/us/2010/09/06/tst.craigslist.censors.adult.sec.cnn.html
http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/05/craigslist.censored/index.html?iref=allsearch
Yet, after the media storm shed light on this new avenue of sex trafficking, many states put pressure on Craigslist to remove their adult section and finally take responsibility for their part in the global crisis. On September 4, 2010, Craigslist finally stepped up to the plate and removed the adult section from their website. This proved to be a small victory in the ever expanding sex trafficking business.
Although this is indeed a victory to be applauded, we must not get so lax and think that is the end of the war. The demand for sex is astronomical and the supply is simply moving to a new location. Many experts are weighing in on the fact that although Craigslist has removed their adult section, there are plenty of other sites available and in use right now to promote prostitution. Sites such as Backpage.com and Adultfinder.com are welcoming the former Craigslist pimps and johns with open arms.
I applaud Craigslist for removing the adult section, but I am confident in saying that it was more of a PR move than a mandate. Why isn't the government doing something to crack down on sites that are obviously involved in the exploitation and trafficking of women and children? We have Section 230 of the Communication Decency Act to thank for that. This piece of legislature states that "No provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider." In other words, Craigslist nor any other website can be held liable for what is published on their sites or the actions that occur as a result of something posted on their site. The powers that be have pretty much left the door open for sex trafficking on the Internet to continue until these types of sites are held accountable for their part in the promoting and advertising sexually exploited victims.
The battle has been won, but the fight continues. Hopefully, at some point, companies will stop hiding behind the law and stand up for victim's right. Until then, advocates will continue to put the pressure on them, one site at at time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_230_of_the_Communications_Decency_Act
http://www.citmedialaw.org/section-230
http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/us/2010/09/06/tst.craigslist.censors.adult.sec.cnn.html
http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/05/craigslist.censored/index.html?iref=allsearch
Men in the Sex Trafficking Industry
On August 31, 2010 one of the major headlines of the day was the report that police in Spain infiltrated a male prostitution ring. I was just as surprised as the next man because most people equate prostitution and sex trafficking to women and children. Rarely do you hear about men being forced into the sex trade industry. Just because male prostitution is rarely reported doesn't mean it's rarely happening. Male prostitution is much more prevalent that I thought.
I remember during The Unholy Land tour with S2S, Avery told the story of a young male prostitute who refused to come off the streets because he was in such high demand. For some reason, I naively thought that any man that is selling himself on the streets is probably doing so willingly, probably to support a habit or uphold a certain lifestyle. I couldn't believe that somehow a man could be forced into that lifestyle the same way a woman with a trouble passed could be coerced and trapped. The connection just wasn't there for me, until I read the headlines. 14 people were arrested in Spain because of their involvement in a global sex trafficking ring involving 60-80 men. These men were made to believe that they would they would be traveling to other countries for better jobs and a chance at a better life. They were told they would only have to pay back their airfare to Spain. Yet, upon arrival at their destination, their passports were seized, they were given cocaine and Viagra and immediately put to work as prostitutes for male clients. The men were advertised in newspapers and websites to help increase their demand. They were on call 24 hours a day, expected to perform on demand. They were forced to live in tiny cramped house with 6 to a bed. If they complained, they were threatened with beatings and death.
Slowly, the story of these men started to sound similar to the stories of women trapped in the sex trafficking industry. These men were looking for a better life and believe the lies that their pimps told them. I'm certain that they were not told they would be sold to strangers for sex. I'm certain they weren't aware that they would be drugged and beatened. I am certain they did not know that trusting a stranger's promises would have them trapped in what seemed like an endless cycle. You see, whether foreign or domestic, male or female, the deception of the pimps and traffickers is all the same. They prey on the weak and the desperate, those they can easily manipulate and control for their own gain.
Since Atlanta is a hotbed for sex trafficking, I attempted to get some statistics on male prostitution in the city. Although I was not able to find any clear cut numbers, I did come across the vice arrest page for the Atlanta Police Department. This page was comprised of over 270 men and women arrested for prostitution or soliciting. Of those 270+ mug shots, 38 were men arrested for prostitution. 38 men arrested for selling themselves for money. There is no way to tell whether they were selling themselves willingly or by force, but those 38 faces were a wake up call. These were 38 men that were arrested and accounted for but, the number of sites that came up for male prostitutes, escorts, or rent boys as they are called, was astounding. I tried to find if there were any organizations that focused on rescuing and rehabilitating these men and came up empty handed. I understand that the major of the people caught up in sex slavery are women, but where do these men caught up in the same cycle of despair go if they want to break free?
The sex trafficking industry does not play favorites. Though women are in much greater demand, this economically booming industry destroys the lives of men, women, and child. Though progress is being made each and every day to combat this global issue, there is still a long way to go in this fight. The sooner we all realize that no one is immune from being pulled into this lifestyle, the better equipped will can become at fighting back.
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-31/justice/spain.male.prostitutes_1_national-police-male-prostitution-ring-airline-ticket?_s=PM:CRIME
http://www.atlantapd.org/index.asp?nav=vicearrests
I remember during The Unholy Land tour with S2S, Avery told the story of a young male prostitute who refused to come off the streets because he was in such high demand. For some reason, I naively thought that any man that is selling himself on the streets is probably doing so willingly, probably to support a habit or uphold a certain lifestyle. I couldn't believe that somehow a man could be forced into that lifestyle the same way a woman with a trouble passed could be coerced and trapped. The connection just wasn't there for me, until I read the headlines. 14 people were arrested in Spain because of their involvement in a global sex trafficking ring involving 60-80 men. These men were made to believe that they would they would be traveling to other countries for better jobs and a chance at a better life. They were told they would only have to pay back their airfare to Spain. Yet, upon arrival at their destination, their passports were seized, they were given cocaine and Viagra and immediately put to work as prostitutes for male clients. The men were advertised in newspapers and websites to help increase their demand. They were on call 24 hours a day, expected to perform on demand. They were forced to live in tiny cramped house with 6 to a bed. If they complained, they were threatened with beatings and death.
Slowly, the story of these men started to sound similar to the stories of women trapped in the sex trafficking industry. These men were looking for a better life and believe the lies that their pimps told them. I'm certain that they were not told they would be sold to strangers for sex. I'm certain they weren't aware that they would be drugged and beatened. I am certain they did not know that trusting a stranger's promises would have them trapped in what seemed like an endless cycle. You see, whether foreign or domestic, male or female, the deception of the pimps and traffickers is all the same. They prey on the weak and the desperate, those they can easily manipulate and control for their own gain.
Since Atlanta is a hotbed for sex trafficking, I attempted to get some statistics on male prostitution in the city. Although I was not able to find any clear cut numbers, I did come across the vice arrest page for the Atlanta Police Department. This page was comprised of over 270 men and women arrested for prostitution or soliciting. Of those 270+ mug shots, 38 were men arrested for prostitution. 38 men arrested for selling themselves for money. There is no way to tell whether they were selling themselves willingly or by force, but those 38 faces were a wake up call. These were 38 men that were arrested and accounted for but, the number of sites that came up for male prostitutes, escorts, or rent boys as they are called, was astounding. I tried to find if there were any organizations that focused on rescuing and rehabilitating these men and came up empty handed. I understand that the major of the people caught up in sex slavery are women, but where do these men caught up in the same cycle of despair go if they want to break free?
The sex trafficking industry does not play favorites. Though women are in much greater demand, this economically booming industry destroys the lives of men, women, and child. Though progress is being made each and every day to combat this global issue, there is still a long way to go in this fight. The sooner we all realize that no one is immune from being pulled into this lifestyle, the better equipped will can become at fighting back.
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-31/justice/spain.male.prostitutes_1_national-police-male-prostitution-ring-airline-ticket?_s=PM:CRIME
http://www.atlantapd.org/index.asp?nav=vicearrests
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 7: Removing the Mask
"Watch yourselves carefully so you don't get contaminated with Pharisee yeast, Pharisee phoniness. You can't keep your true self hidden forever; before long you'll be exposed. You can't hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can't whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public" Luke 12:1-3
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn't find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn't see them then.
Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don't let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that's why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to "check out mentally" is still there. I don't answer the phone and I don't entertain other people's problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.
I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don't listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren't looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.
For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn't bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.
I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It's not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can't always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what's going on in my life, that it's ok to be honest. It's okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always "they wont understand" or "someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention." I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn't want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what's going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Really Do Make You Happy, God
It's been a few days since I have posted and I feel kind of bad. Got off track with my 90 day devotional cause of distractions dealing with Ryan. It's so funny how the devil works. The closer you get to God, the more he comes at you with foolishness. God never said that this walk would be without trials and man, He wasn't lying.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
A simple email from Ryan started a chain of events that took me back to our days of fighting with no purpose. What was supposed to be a meeting to hammer out a visitation and support agreement ended up no where really. He expressed his disdain for my actions, I expressed my reasons for him needing to get his focus back on Aiden. When he realized that he couldn't make ANY decisions about visitation or support without his wife's approval, we were at a standstill. He realized that at the end of the day, she called the shots. I called him out on that and he couldn't deny it. He admitted that his home is World War 3 again and that he was desperate to work things out with me, so that he could work things out with her. Nothing was about Aiden, just about his struggle for peace and some control in his house. Reminds me of that parable about the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7. His house was not built on God's solid foundation and it's already starting to crumble.
My heartaches for what Ryan is going through, but I realized today that I cannot save him. I cannot be his Savior. He knows of God in concept, but not in a truly intimate way which would bring conviction and correction, but also fills him with love. If he did, that marriage would not have happened. His actions are his own and there are no words that I can say to express the error of his ways. Only a true encounter with our Savior will do that. I'm praying that happens.
So I have been consumed with Ryan and our bickering since our meeting on Monday. I came into work absolutely distracted and pissed off on Tuesday because I found out my brother had gotten arrested the night before. Great. More stress for me. Baby daddy issues and now my brother. But through out all that, God saw fit to show me His love for me. Out of the blue, I was blessed with $25 from my supervisor. Totally unexpected! First thing I thought to do with it was to use it on the boys. My heart was heavy for them, especially Aiden, and I had already wanted to do something for them to remind them that I will go to the ends of the Earth for them even if no one else did. Took them to McDonald's for dinner and then to see Ironman 2, popcorn and soda included. Total came up the exactly $25. God is so good.
This morning, I decided to choose happiness and peace off the bat. My mind wandered to Ryan on and off but I refused to let it consume me. It was Wednesday which meant Fusion, a much needed spiritual refuel. As soon as I got to church, God showed His love again! My Jillian had a gift bag from Bath and Body works and the sweetest hand written note that spoke right to my heart. I needed to hear God's love for me poured out in that letter. He is truly amazing. Worship was out of this world good...my heart is still singing "He is faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come to marry me."
Pastor Johnson's message...exactly what I needed to hear. It was about God's vision of marriage. His jealousy for His bride. I was reminded that anyone can get married but God wants me to have a marriage that mirrors His marriage to His bride, the body of Christ, His church. Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That is what my Father desires for me, the daughter of the Risen King. I don't want a husband who is desperate and entering marriage based on emotions and the need to have someone. I am worthy of a husband who understands his position as leader of the household and leader of our spiritual walk. A husband who understands God's purpose for him and knows that our union will help enhance and grow that purpose and vision and edify the Kingdom of Heaven. A husband who understands how Christ loves His church and wants to present me without stain, or wrinkle or blemish before that Holy covenant that God Himself ordained. A unguarded and deceitful heart cannot lead my husband to me, only the power and faithfulness of God can.
I have been distracted from many things that I was supposed to do lately. Blogging for s2s, keeping up with my devotional, checking in with Veronica and Carl about the s2s intake forms, etc. I was consumed by something minor and was missing out on what was major in my life, my devotion to Christ and His work. But I am so thankful for God revealing His love and devotion to me in the little ways, just to remind me that He is there. He's there in the midst of my tears and frustration and all He wants to do is pour out His love. He wants my heart and for me not to get distracted by the ways of the enemy or the world.
I really do make Him happy. My favorite quote right now is one from Brennan Manning in his book "The Furious Longing of God. He says "He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am." He keeps showing me that He is so very faithful, even when I am not. He reminds me that He knows the desires of my heart and just wants me to trust that He will do what He says He will do, in His time. I really do make Him happy, despite it all. I am no one's Savior, so I need to leave the heart transformation work up to Him. All I can do is love like crazy and pray for those that need to know His love.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A Date With My Father
So I needed to keep a record of what happened last night that I just think was really cool. I spent the evening allowing God to just speak to me though Youtube. Crazy huh?!
Well, Aiden went to spend the weekend with his grandmother so I figured I would find something to do with my semi child free evening. I had actually made plans to go see Takers with Diana, Clarissa and Snono but God kinda changed all that. I was actually down to my last $15 and knew I would be getting paid today, but still decided to do the right thing and not spend my last on a movie.
So I was sitting on the couch watching TV and decided to check out some Youtube videos from the P4CM channel. I listened to the poetry and heard the testimonies of teens who turned away from secular music, turned away from sinful lives. I was so moved from the poetry testimony of an ex-stud that I was near tears. God is so power and amazing and can literally do ANYTHING. The ex stud, Jackie, kept saying that she "chose to choose" that lifestyle. She wasn't born gay but had always been attracted to girls and chose to give into those desires instead of presenting her sin to God. POWERFUL stuff.
People don't ever admit that they are simply giving into their own carnal desires. God didn't die on the cross to free us from those sins for us to choose to live those very sins out daily. The two teens that denounced secular music explained how they both realized that they were accepting sins that God hates by listening to music like Jay-Z and Kanye. Beyonce isn't edifying or glorifying God in any of her songs, but she dresses provocatively and does talk about pre-marital sex and greed, all sins that Christ died for. Why make His Crucifixion in vain when we decide to continue on with this Jezebel spirit of living. No amount of justification can make it right. Just like in 2 Kings, Jezebel made herself pretty before she was thrown out of the window. I, too, have given into sin thinking it wasn't really hurting anyone or anything. But it was. Every time I had sex outside of marriage,it hurt Jesus. Every time I watched sex on TV or listened to sexual lyrics, I hurt Jesus. Every time I am more focused on money that on serving the Kingdom of Heaven, I am hurting Jesus. Every lie I told, thing I stole, prideful act I committed, it hurt Jesus. Every time I justify sin or become accepting of sin in my life or others, I am hurting Jesus.
The body of Christ is full of lukewarm Christians. Plenty of people pray and attend church, serve, do outreaches, etc but still are accepting of the sinful nature. They still watch sex on TV and in movies. They still listen to music by artist that denounce Christ and promote the sinful lifestyle. They still hit the club every Saturday and make it to church on Sunday. They still drink past moderation and shout His praises when in need. That is not pleasing to God! Matthew 6:24 says “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other." Can't say you are devoted to Christ and still have one foot in the world. God is a jealous God, an all or nothing God. Real talk.
Last night was a night that was meant to play out like it did. I was supposed to be smart and save my last few dollars and let God pour into my heart and renew my waning spirit. I literally sat up until 3 AM listening to Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baraka and watching the P4CM poetry. I was loving it and the messages pierced my heart. Even today, I felt different. I spent the day watching Sister, Sister and the 3 Left Behind movies. Didn't want to pollute my mind and eyes with filth and foolishness. A shift is happening in me. My spirit is being renewed and my sinful desires cast down. I know I have to continually be cautious of my surroundings but I am so thankful my awakening last night. One of the best dates I've had in years!
Well, Aiden went to spend the weekend with his grandmother so I figured I would find something to do with my semi child free evening. I had actually made plans to go see Takers with Diana, Clarissa and Snono but God kinda changed all that. I was actually down to my last $15 and knew I would be getting paid today, but still decided to do the right thing and not spend my last on a movie.
So I was sitting on the couch watching TV and decided to check out some Youtube videos from the P4CM channel. I listened to the poetry and heard the testimonies of teens who turned away from secular music, turned away from sinful lives. I was so moved from the poetry testimony of an ex-stud that I was near tears. God is so power and amazing and can literally do ANYTHING. The ex stud, Jackie, kept saying that she "chose to choose" that lifestyle. She wasn't born gay but had always been attracted to girls and chose to give into those desires instead of presenting her sin to God. POWERFUL stuff.
People don't ever admit that they are simply giving into their own carnal desires. God didn't die on the cross to free us from those sins for us to choose to live those very sins out daily. The two teens that denounced secular music explained how they both realized that they were accepting sins that God hates by listening to music like Jay-Z and Kanye. Beyonce isn't edifying or glorifying God in any of her songs, but she dresses provocatively and does talk about pre-marital sex and greed, all sins that Christ died for. Why make His Crucifixion in vain when we decide to continue on with this Jezebel spirit of living. No amount of justification can make it right. Just like in 2 Kings, Jezebel made herself pretty before she was thrown out of the window. I, too, have given into sin thinking it wasn't really hurting anyone or anything. But it was. Every time I had sex outside of marriage,it hurt Jesus. Every time I watched sex on TV or listened to sexual lyrics, I hurt Jesus. Every time I am more focused on money that on serving the Kingdom of Heaven, I am hurting Jesus. Every lie I told, thing I stole, prideful act I committed, it hurt Jesus. Every time I justify sin or become accepting of sin in my life or others, I am hurting Jesus.
The body of Christ is full of lukewarm Christians. Plenty of people pray and attend church, serve, do outreaches, etc but still are accepting of the sinful nature. They still watch sex on TV and in movies. They still listen to music by artist that denounce Christ and promote the sinful lifestyle. They still hit the club every Saturday and make it to church on Sunday. They still drink past moderation and shout His praises when in need. That is not pleasing to God! Matthew 6:24 says “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other." Can't say you are devoted to Christ and still have one foot in the world. God is a jealous God, an all or nothing God. Real talk.
Last night was a night that was meant to play out like it did. I was supposed to be smart and save my last few dollars and let God pour into my heart and renew my waning spirit. I literally sat up until 3 AM listening to Trip Lee, Lacrae, Sho Baraka and watching the P4CM poetry. I was loving it and the messages pierced my heart. Even today, I felt different. I spent the day watching Sister, Sister and the 3 Left Behind movies. Didn't want to pollute my mind and eyes with filth and foolishness. A shift is happening in me. My spirit is being renewed and my sinful desires cast down. I know I have to continually be cautious of my surroundings but I am so thankful my awakening last night. One of the best dates I've had in years!
Day 6: Praying Through the Pain
"Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away." Psalm 90:10
This devotional is a pretty simple one. I think I have mastered praying through the pain. I have had my share of pain in the last couple of years and since I finally surrendered to Christ a year ago, I am learning to be faithful in the midst of the storm. I have learned that God is not going to over burden me and every stormy season is a test in endurance. I have to pray for strength during the tough times and keep being faithful in knowing that God will bring me out of a bad situation.
He has renewed my faith in my issues with Ryan simply by the awesome works He has done in other areas of my life. It's almost like I get so consumed with that situation, that I forget that He is still present in everything else. He has to show me that He is still God and I should keep my focus where He is moving and not on what I deem important. I have to stop majoring in the minors.
This devotional is a pretty simple one. I think I have mastered praying through the pain. I have had my share of pain in the last couple of years and since I finally surrendered to Christ a year ago, I am learning to be faithful in the midst of the storm. I have learned that God is not going to over burden me and every stormy season is a test in endurance. I have to pray for strength during the tough times and keep being faithful in knowing that God will bring me out of a bad situation.
He has renewed my faith in my issues with Ryan simply by the awesome works He has done in other areas of my life. It's almost like I get so consumed with that situation, that I forget that He is still present in everything else. He has to show me that He is still God and I should keep my focus where He is moving and not on what I deem important. I have to stop majoring in the minors.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 5: A New Season
Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43:18-19
Man, God is so right on time. For a while, I have been feeling kind of disconnected and restless. I've been needed something new, a new challenge, a change of scenery, something new because I feel like I'm almost in a rut. Stagnant. Unfulfilled. I am definitely not a fan of idle time and thoughts so this is killing me.
My problem is that I seem to be searching an outlet for this pent up energy when I should be asking God what it is that He would have me do. I tend to try to make myself busy with other things to keep from having so much idle time. Almost like a way to keep me distracted, yet, I am still feeling unfulfilled. I can write a million blogs, post a million articles, and do a million outreaches in the name of Jesus, but if I am not getting His green light first, it can all be unfulfilling. I realize I am not walking out God's purpose for me.
The scripture Isaiah 43:18-19 just resounds in me today because I want to see what new and amazing thing God is going to birth in me. I have let go of my past, died to myself in order to follow Christ, so now I have to prepare to do what it is that God has specifically designed for me to do. I also need to be more focused and diligent about the duties He has placed before me right now. I have the writing for the Sunday to Sunday blog, helping to develop the intake forms for any newly rescued girls from the street, developing ideas to expand the scope of the welcome team at Fusion. It's funny that I already have plenty to do but, get so distracted that I lose focus on those areas. I think this weekend is going to be a weekend of organization and focus. Getting ideas flushed out and asking God to just show me what it is that He would have me do. If I am obedient in the little things that He gives me, He will bless me with abundance...wow. Thanks for that awesome revelation just then!
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43:18-19
Man, God is so right on time. For a while, I have been feeling kind of disconnected and restless. I've been needed something new, a new challenge, a change of scenery, something new because I feel like I'm almost in a rut. Stagnant. Unfulfilled. I am definitely not a fan of idle time and thoughts so this is killing me.
My problem is that I seem to be searching an outlet for this pent up energy when I should be asking God what it is that He would have me do. I tend to try to make myself busy with other things to keep from having so much idle time. Almost like a way to keep me distracted, yet, I am still feeling unfulfilled. I can write a million blogs, post a million articles, and do a million outreaches in the name of Jesus, but if I am not getting His green light first, it can all be unfulfilling. I realize I am not walking out God's purpose for me.
The scripture Isaiah 43:18-19 just resounds in me today because I want to see what new and amazing thing God is going to birth in me. I have let go of my past, died to myself in order to follow Christ, so now I have to prepare to do what it is that God has specifically designed for me to do. I also need to be more focused and diligent about the duties He has placed before me right now. I have the writing for the Sunday to Sunday blog, helping to develop the intake forms for any newly rescued girls from the street, developing ideas to expand the scope of the welcome team at Fusion. It's funny that I already have plenty to do but, get so distracted that I lose focus on those areas. I think this weekend is going to be a weekend of organization and focus. Getting ideas flushed out and asking God to just show me what it is that He would have me do. If I am obedient in the little things that He gives me, He will bless me with abundance...wow. Thanks for that awesome revelation just then!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 4: What's On Your Mind
James 4:8: Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.
What's on my mind? My Father in Heaven who is absolutely romancing me today! I went to bed last night in thought about how I was going to handle a situation but God took over and gave me the best sleep ever. I even slept in longer because I was so at peace. I dropped off Aiden and listened to Livingston and just smiled the whole way to work because I felt like God was just smiling at me and delighting over me. I missed Fusion last night because I had to serve so its like He carved out this day to just have me spend time in His presence. I love this romantic, loving, smiling, delighting in me feeling I get when it's just me and my beloved Father. He is giving me peace and joy in Him. He is so worthy to be praised!
Truthfully, I don't always have days like this. I wish I did though because things would be so much better if I did. Yet, I cherish these moments. I think I would have more times like this if I made time for times like this. I do tend to get bogged down with worthless stuff like Facebook, Internet, TV, the phone, friends, whatever. But I am glad that I am taking on this assignment to purposely spend some time reading this devotional and really examining my heart and mind. I am becoming aware of things that I need to work on in order to cleanse my mind, body and spirit of all this junk that has been collected.
I need to make a greater effort to carve out this consistent and dedicated time with God to hear Him and have Him hear me. I love my sleep but, getting up an extra hour earlier to pray and read my Bible would be an ideal way to spend some time with Him. I have been reading my Bible at night, but it's something about giving God those first few minutes of my day that makes things so much better. Revelation 3:16 says "But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" I don't want to be lukewarm with my faith and devotion to God because He is constantly faithful and devoted to me. He is showing me His faithfulness in this very moment, with each breath that I take and this awesome time of praise to Him.
I like the 3 scriptures that were in this devotional to mediate on as I seek God's purity in my life.
2 Cor. 7:1 Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.
Titus 2:14 He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
Hebrews 9:13-15 If that animal blood and the other rituals of purification were effective in cleaning up certain matters of our religion and behavior, think how much more the blood of Christ cleans up our whole lives, inside and out. Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God.
He desires for me to seek Him out and spend time with Him. It's time to make Him my first thoughts and be constant with making time for Him. No lukewarm praises for my Savior who sacrificed His life just to have precious moments with me through out the day. I want to watch Him transform my mind because of my devotion to Him.
What's on my mind? My Father in Heaven who is absolutely romancing me today! I went to bed last night in thought about how I was going to handle a situation but God took over and gave me the best sleep ever. I even slept in longer because I was so at peace. I dropped off Aiden and listened to Livingston and just smiled the whole way to work because I felt like God was just smiling at me and delighting over me. I missed Fusion last night because I had to serve so its like He carved out this day to just have me spend time in His presence. I love this romantic, loving, smiling, delighting in me feeling I get when it's just me and my beloved Father. He is giving me peace and joy in Him. He is so worthy to be praised!
Truthfully, I don't always have days like this. I wish I did though because things would be so much better if I did. Yet, I cherish these moments. I think I would have more times like this if I made time for times like this. I do tend to get bogged down with worthless stuff like Facebook, Internet, TV, the phone, friends, whatever. But I am glad that I am taking on this assignment to purposely spend some time reading this devotional and really examining my heart and mind. I am becoming aware of things that I need to work on in order to cleanse my mind, body and spirit of all this junk that has been collected.
I need to make a greater effort to carve out this consistent and dedicated time with God to hear Him and have Him hear me. I love my sleep but, getting up an extra hour earlier to pray and read my Bible would be an ideal way to spend some time with Him. I have been reading my Bible at night, but it's something about giving God those first few minutes of my day that makes things so much better. Revelation 3:16 says "But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" I don't want to be lukewarm with my faith and devotion to God because He is constantly faithful and devoted to me. He is showing me His faithfulness in this very moment, with each breath that I take and this awesome time of praise to Him.
I like the 3 scriptures that were in this devotional to mediate on as I seek God's purity in my life.
2 Cor. 7:1 Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.
Titus 2:14 He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
Hebrews 9:13-15 If that animal blood and the other rituals of purification were effective in cleaning up certain matters of our religion and behavior, think how much more the blood of Christ cleans up our whole lives, inside and out. Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God.
He desires for me to seek Him out and spend time with Him. It's time to make Him my first thoughts and be constant with making time for Him. No lukewarm praises for my Savior who sacrificed His life just to have precious moments with me through out the day. I want to watch Him transform my mind because of my devotion to Him.
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