It's the day after Thanksgiving and I am sitting in bed nursing a cold and about to prepare to head out for the day. I decided to take a moment and reflect on this incredible year and all the things that I am grateful for. Yeah, its cliche' but that's what happens around the holidays. My life has gone from one extreme to the next over the past year and there is so much to truly be thankful for because of God's amazing grace and mercy on my life.
1. I am thankful for the amazing gift of salvation. Above all else, just knowing that my personal commitment to follow Jesus has saved me from a life of condemnation has changed my life completely. I was absolutely consumed my sin, guilt and shame until coming back to Christ and now I can't imagine my life without His presence.
2. I am thankful for my boys. I have been a mom for so long, I really don't know what life is like to be kid free but I don't think I would change a thing. Gavin is growing up to be such an amazing kid and warrior for God that it blows my mind. We've had our run ins due to growing pains and both of us trying to figure out this thing called life, but I believe calmer days are ahead. He is finding his way in life, making mistakes in the process, but is growing and flourishing with the guidance of the Spirit and I couldn't be more proud. Aiden is my fearless side-kick. He is a child with his own mind and own way of doing things. He can be stubborn like his mom but at the end of the day, he requires extra attention and affirmation just like his dad. He reminds me that even in the hustle and bustle of the day, that coming home and watching Transformers with him for the millionth time is better than any night out. These kids have saved my life in more ways than I could ever express.
3. I am thankful for my family. I come from a rather dysfunctional family full of emotional scars, mistakes, regrets, and a host of other things. But they are my family and I love them dearly. I hold nothing but crazy good time memories of growing up in a house that seemed to be on the go 24/7. From setting picnic tables on fires, countless ER visits, jalapeno pepper pies, to us all gathering to bury my great grandmother Elizabeth, they are my family. My brothers are my protectors and my sister is the little rebel that truly wants to be free to do life her way.
4. I am thankful for Victory World Church, Fusion and my community. I often blog about how much I love my community so of course they would make the countdown. Coming to Victory LITERALLY saved my life. I think if I had continued down the path that I was on, I would be lost forever. Finding myself in that hotel room in Kansas City, MO was the turning point that I needed to make a change but I needed some major support to keep me off the path of destruction. It took a minute to work the kinks out and my final encounter with Maurice the married man sealed the deal. It was on that day that I knew I needed to be serious about turning my life around and thank goodness for free will. God allowed me to hit rock bottom so that I could truly come to Him humble and broken.
5. I am thankful for my mistakes. I have made more mistakes than anyone in life should. Stupid mistakes that have lead to pregnancies outside of wedlock, a couple of abortions, sexual assault at the hands of someone I thought could trust, broke hearts, debt, damaged friendships, suicidal thoughts, depression and near catastrophic meltdowns. I look back at all that and laugh because my past is dead. I have been made new because He calls me His beloved. I am a TOTALLY different person than I was a year and a half ago and I mean the transformation has been miraculous. I am a reformed sex addict, porn addict, liar, broken hearted, emotional basket case who has found her worth and value. I am no longer bound by sexual sin, a spirit that ruled my life since childhood. I no longer seek the approval of men to determine my value. I laugh with no restraint, I dream beyond the natural, and my potential is endless all because I let Christ mend my broken pieces. I am free.
I could go on and on about all that I am thankful for but I think you get the point. I am loving the place of freedom that I am in and wouldn't change a thing. I am learning how to do life the right way. I have learned to guard my heart and value my relationship with my creator. I have learned to embrace people, all people, broken and whole, and love them all the same. I have learned to share my story with others to show of God's amazing redeeming power. I have learned to love those who curse me and watch God totally change their hearts. I have learned the value of community and accountability, the value of true friendships, and the value of being patient when it comes to desires of the heart. He knows me, flaws and all, and yet He still sees fit to create a new day just for me to enjoy. Life is good.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Seasons Change
It's been over a week since I have posted and this past week has been non stop crazy. Been mapping out some ideas and suggestions for Fusion service teams as I transition from service teams to small group apprentice next year. That was totally God ordained and timely because the desire had been there and I was surprised that Avery, Taina, and Liz McVicker were all in agreement that it is time for me to step into that new role. I've also decided to step out on faith and take on this project of collecting donations for the women at Wellsprings Living. God put the idea on my heart earlier this year and it wasn't until seeing the Candy Shop documentary at the Fox that I decided to act on it. So far so good and luckily I am friends with enough small group leaders to help spread the word. Planning and organizing has been time consuming but so worth it if my vision comes to past. Thank you for community.
I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.
There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.
So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.
He is good.
I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don't live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn't anything He doesn't know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.
There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?" I usually get a "Why not you?" shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don't even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.
So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I'm not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be "for such a time as this." Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.
He is good.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Accountability
Accountability equals life saver. Seriously. Since being back into the folds of Christianity after straying for YEARS, the concept of accountability has been discussed about a million times. "Get an accountability partner!" Hmm, that was always a head scratcher in the beginning because I had never heard of accountability before. Now, I don't know what I would do without it.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don't mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think "straight and narrow," I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.
I always laugh at myself and say "I'm just one Friday night away from being back in the world." I wouldn't go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a "I wouldn't mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either." That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.
My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don't try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.
So often we surround ourselves with our resident "yes people." We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.
I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn't attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to "report" my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc...yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn't taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that's not some I need to be with anyway. What's done in the dark will always come out in the light.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Angel and a Princess
Today, my heart was heavy for Shaniya Davis. This 5 year old angel died 1 year ago today. She died at the hands of the man who bought her for the purpose of having sex with her. Yes. Her mother sold her 5 year old daughter into sex slavery. 5 years old. I still remember seeing her picture on the morning news, all dressed in white, looking like my 4 year old niece's twin. I thought I saw my niece Kameron staring back at me, kidnap victim, alone, scared, young. I still remember thinking about Shaniya all morning and all afternoon. I remember follow the news reports and any tips from the AP wire I could find about whether or not she was found. I remember praying for this little girl. I remember reading on change.org that her body had been found along the side of a North Carolina highway. My heart literally broke into pieces.
I admit I was absolutely on fire about what happened to that little girl but I didn't know what I could do to help the cause. A few weeks later, I contacted Innocence Atlanta, who connected me to Redeemed Ministries, where I took the Hands that Heal training. My eyes were opened wide to the issue and I was astounded by the stats and lack of resources. Hundreds of girls on the streets every night and only a hand full of beds available in all of Georgia, if they wanted to escape the life. Crazy I know. Where is the justice?
Fast forward to June and it's Princess Night for Sunday to Sunday. My life would be forever changed by a young 19 year old girl named Sabrina. A girl who had been a prostitute for 3 years. Her rescue was something out of the movies, the sheer volume of time coordinating schedules for her care was mind numbing but the nights I spent in her presence were priceless. She shared about areas of her life freely and was almost like a kid again. Though Sabrina eventually went back to that life after coming and going a few times, I will never forget her face. I will never forget her love for Starburst and Vitamin Water. I will never forget her stories, or her nightmares as she slept. She will forever be our Princess.
I was that girl. I was the poster child for broken homes, generational curses, low self esteem as a child, lack of self worth, lack of direction, lack of God. Raised by a single mom, low income, mom's boyfriends in and out, no father of my own, abused for years. Raised in church but never knew God. I was that girl. I look back and I promise it was by the sheer GRACE of God that I didn't end up being pimped out by some grown man as a kid. Yeah I was smart in school and had friends, but I had more inner turmoil, more dark secrets and shame than anyone ever imagined. I needed love, I needed someone to notice me, I needed someone to love me and take care of me. I was always one "hey pretty girl" away from being lead completely astray. I was that girl. I guess that's why my heart aches for girls that become victims because that truly could have been me. I fit the profile of the 12 year old girl being forced into sex slavery. I was that girl.
When I think of all that God saved me from, even when I didn't know He was working in my favor, I can't imagine my life not speaking up for those whose life mirrored mine years ago. Pastor D always says there is purpose rooted in pain. God can use something bad in your life and use it for good. I am allowing Him to use me, mold and stretch me anyway He sees fit. I cannot even begin to show God my gratitude for redeeming me, for His perfect love that has cast out fear, for His amazing power that I cannot fathom with my natural mind, for rescuing me from a life that would lead me straight to Hell, for calling me His Beloved. I was that girl, bound and broken, but I have been set free and made whole again.
I admit I was absolutely on fire about what happened to that little girl but I didn't know what I could do to help the cause. A few weeks later, I contacted Innocence Atlanta, who connected me to Redeemed Ministries, where I took the Hands that Heal training. My eyes were opened wide to the issue and I was astounded by the stats and lack of resources. Hundreds of girls on the streets every night and only a hand full of beds available in all of Georgia, if they wanted to escape the life. Crazy I know. Where is the justice?
Fast forward to June and it's Princess Night for Sunday to Sunday. My life would be forever changed by a young 19 year old girl named Sabrina. A girl who had been a prostitute for 3 years. Her rescue was something out of the movies, the sheer volume of time coordinating schedules for her care was mind numbing but the nights I spent in her presence were priceless. She shared about areas of her life freely and was almost like a kid again. Though Sabrina eventually went back to that life after coming and going a few times, I will never forget her face. I will never forget her love for Starburst and Vitamin Water. I will never forget her stories, or her nightmares as she slept. She will forever be our Princess.
I was that girl. I was the poster child for broken homes, generational curses, low self esteem as a child, lack of self worth, lack of direction, lack of God. Raised by a single mom, low income, mom's boyfriends in and out, no father of my own, abused for years. Raised in church but never knew God. I was that girl. I look back and I promise it was by the sheer GRACE of God that I didn't end up being pimped out by some grown man as a kid. Yeah I was smart in school and had friends, but I had more inner turmoil, more dark secrets and shame than anyone ever imagined. I needed love, I needed someone to notice me, I needed someone to love me and take care of me. I was always one "hey pretty girl" away from being lead completely astray. I was that girl. I guess that's why my heart aches for girls that become victims because that truly could have been me. I fit the profile of the 12 year old girl being forced into sex slavery. I was that girl.
When I think of all that God saved me from, even when I didn't know He was working in my favor, I can't imagine my life not speaking up for those whose life mirrored mine years ago. Pastor D always says there is purpose rooted in pain. God can use something bad in your life and use it for good. I am allowing Him to use me, mold and stretch me anyway He sees fit. I cannot even begin to show God my gratitude for redeeming me, for His perfect love that has cast out fear, for His amazing power that I cannot fathom with my natural mind, for rescuing me from a life that would lead me straight to Hell, for calling me His Beloved. I was that girl, bound and broken, but I have been set free and made whole again.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Iron Sharpens Iron
Tonight was truly a night to remember and a night to cherish. My small group leader, Taina, decided to host a small, intimate event for the single moms she knew. I usually don't care for single mom oriented stuff because it usually ends up being a "man bashing, I need to find a man" session. This was truly special and I am so grateful for her in so many ways.
I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.
I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.
Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.
I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?
Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.
I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more "blessed" than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don't know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.
I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.
Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God's command with the whole Ryan situation wasn't easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little "God winks" as Leah calls them. That is God's way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn't want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.
I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It's so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that's exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?
Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don't mind calling me out on my crap. People that don't mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
So In Love...
I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.
Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.
He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.
I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.
Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I've sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.
He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.
I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.
Monday, November 1, 2010
25 Things about Me
I would like to think I am probably one of the lamest people around. No, seriously. I think my life is rather average, nothing really exciting going on right now, pretty routine. Now do I like that? Absolutely NOT!! So ready for a change of pace, something to shake things up. So I decided to see if I can come up with 25 interesting things about me. Here goes.
1. I was born in a car. Yes, I was born in a Buick La Sabre on a hot summer day in June. My godmother, Frances Washington delivered my in the back of the car, which is why my name is Frances instead of Tamika. Kinda glad too.
2. I love burnt popcorn. I don't know if that is interesting or not but I think it's one of those quirky things people tend to keep to themselves. Whenever I make microwaved popcorn, I purposefully leave it in too long and I always have to run outside to open the bag so the house doesn't smell.
3. I am a parent who feels rather clueless some days about being a parent. I don't think I am a bad parent, but I am to the point where I can admit, I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what I am doing. Most days, I hope the kids get through the day in one piece.
4. I absolutely love Jesus. I guess this should be first but I am just going off the top of my head. I often feel pretty new to being a true follower of Christ and still feel rather wet behind the ears. My small group leader gave me the biggest boost of confidence when she suggested I be a mentor next year. Guess I am maturing in the Spirit after all.
5. I don't always trust God. Right now, me and God are not really on the best speaking terms. I'm not mad at Him and He definitely isn't mad at me. I'm just having a tough time really trusting Him to be my all. Totally my own hang up and I am working through it.
6. Some days, I get so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed...and I don't. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in 2003. Did the whole counseling and Prozac thing for a while. I do have rare times where life seems to gets the best of me and really leaves me empty. I've learned the whole mind over matter thing and now I simply turn my cares over to God. Even with all that, some days, I do just need some hours to recharge and regroup. I have realized that when I get to that point, God is really telling me to slow down. After a day of rest, I am back on the grind.
7. There are days when I miss Ryan. I am happy that he has this new chapter in his life, but I am fearful of the decisions that he makes because I know they are not always his. I know God totally spared me from him because He knew that Ryan was not His best for me and for that I am grateful. But I do miss my friend Ryan, not boyfriend Ryan. We share some of the happiest times I can remember and he was there during many of my darkest days. Part of me always thought he and I would finally get our act together and make it work but the bigger part of me knew that was not the right path.
8. I have slept with married men. There was Tyran, who I had no clue was married. He taught me that some married me do cheat and cheat often with no remorse. There was Joshua, the part of my past that still makes me smile to this day. Not the cheating part but just what we shared when we were kids. Looking back, he and I had the strongest soul tie that took the longest to break. We made the mistake of giving into temptation which was truly a once in a life time chance. And there was Maurice, again, had no clue he was married. When we met, I knew he had a girlfriend and back then, that really wasn't that big of a deal to me. Encountering him again out of the blue 2 years later, the girlfriend had been upgraded to wife. Didn't realize that until he forgot to take off his wedding ring before he came over. He was the breaking point that I brought myself to before I knew God needed to seriously intervene in my life. Haven't been with anyone since Maurice. December 28, 2010 will be one year celibate.
9. I sometimes think that I may never get married. I am always being told that God has the perfect mate for me. I should wait and be patient and keep my focus on God and my husband will find me. Patience isn't my strongest trait but I am learning how to be patient. Am I supposed to sit back and wait or am I supposed to go out and make myself available so that I can be found? I could go on and on on this one.
10. I have a fear of frogs. I mean a terrifying, panic attack inducing fear of frogs. I don't even know where this fear came from but it is absolutely ridiculous.
11. My favorite movie the world is Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Corny I know but it was the very first movie I saw in the movie theater when I was in the second grade.
12. I am a bit of a nerd. I love reading and have finally gotten my passion for writing back. I had a wicked case of writers block for 10 years so here I am. I am my own worst critic and never really think I am any good at it. Barnes and Noble is like my own little piece of Heaven on Earth.
13. I have developed a heart for sex trafficking victims and sometimes wish I could save them all. I have to remind myself that my job isn't to save the world but to help train up our Father's army to help change the world.
14. I have an absolute fear of public speaking. I do not like speaking in front of people at all. This is more of a hindrance on what I ultimately want to do in the near future which is lead a small group. God is slowly working on me to release my fear but it's a work in progress. It's funny because people think I am so social and outgoing when I really am not!
15. I secretly love to cook but usually don't have time nor budget to really cook like I want to. I am addicted to Food Network and the Cooking Channel. Unfortunately, I have picky children who would rather eat hot dogs and tacos everyday as opposed to a full meal.
16. I actually don't have very many regrets in my life. My life has been filled with heartache and triumph but I don't think I would actually trade my experiences for anyone else's.
17. I have not had sex since December 28, 2009 and I have not had a boyfriend in a year and a half. This is the longest time for both of those for me but this has been the most freeing and rewarding season in my life. Letting go of sex wasn't as hard as I thought it would be since it was already something I had detached myself from mentally a long time ago, just not physically. Not having companionship has been the hard part but that just meant I needed to learn to lean on my Savior more. Enjoying the ride.
18. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother or my grandmother. I can see how the generational curse is evident in my family and I am not quite sure how to break that. My mother has not always been the best mother and has her own demons she is battling. My grandmother has always been one for pointing out the bad in everything instead of find something good. I often thank God for softening and transforming my heart so that I don't walk in their footsteps.
19. God answer my prayers in a big way in 2006. I was pregnant with my son Aiden and I asked God to keep my great grandmother Elizabeth alive long enough so she could meet him. She wasn't ill or anything, just old. She was born in 1906, so I knew she wasn't gonna be around too much longer. I felt like, if she didn't meet Aiden, my world just wouldn't be right and I would have completely lost it. My brother, sister and I all had babies that summer. Caury was born June 9, Kameron was born August 3 and Aiden was born September 19. My great grandmother died on December 9, 2006. She got to see all of the great great grand kids before she died. I think because I know God let her hold on as long as she did, I was able to handle her death a lot better than expected.
20. I think God is calling me to work with sex abuse victims. I have always heard that your purpose can be rooted in your pain. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can see that (first time mentioning this. Wow). I sometimes wonder if I was one of the lucky ones whose life was semi-spared from the jacked up reality a lot of kids face after suffering from abuse. I was caught up in the spirit of sexual sin for years but thankfully, Christ has freed me from that strong hold as well as showing me a love that transcends all understanding. I am no different from the victims that still battle demons, just a bit more healed and renewed.
21. I don't really know if I want more kids. Having a kid at 17, then another at 25 kinda has me jaded. Real talk. I've been a parent for 12 years and after doing it alone for so long, I think I am tired. Of course this is me speaking without the thought of marriage entering the equation. If I ever get married, that tune will probably change but I would need to be reassured and convinced that we both are in for the long haul. Divorce is real and being a single mom with more kids just isn't something I am envisioning.
22. I want to be a missionary. As crazy as it sounds, I really do. Traveling to foreign countries spreading the gospel seems astounding. Never even been on one mission trip (hoping for Peru in 2011) but for some reason, I have this strong desire to be in the mission field.
23. I want to be a writer full time. I have always loved writing but being a teen mom kinda makes you be a bit more realistic with your career aspirations. I put my dream on a permanent hold and sometimes wonder if I had a different path in life, what kind of books would I have written. Now I am a lover of the mind and helping the wounded well with counseling, but I think more writing is on the horizon.
24. I absolutely love Victory World Church and Fusion. That church and that ministry have literally saved my life. I truly don't know where I would be had I not taken that leap and come to Victory. I know God is totally working in my favor to restore what has been broken and give me this amazingly abundant life. I have found some of the most amazing friends and developed a community that keeps me on my toes and just in awe of God's power.
25. I think I am a pretty good friend. My longest friendship has been going 16 years strong and Kisha and I still talk every day like we live right around the corner. I cherish my friends dearly and I am so grateful God is placing more and more people in my life to keep me grounded and sane. From the people I met in Jr. High school to the new faces I meet every week, I am grateful.
I actually didn't think I could come up with 25 things. Guess when I stopped trying to follow a formula and just started being real, I was able to be more transparent and real with myself. Blogging is so therapeutic.
1. I was born in a car. Yes, I was born in a Buick La Sabre on a hot summer day in June. My godmother, Frances Washington delivered my in the back of the car, which is why my name is Frances instead of Tamika. Kinda glad too.
2. I love burnt popcorn. I don't know if that is interesting or not but I think it's one of those quirky things people tend to keep to themselves. Whenever I make microwaved popcorn, I purposefully leave it in too long and I always have to run outside to open the bag so the house doesn't smell.
3. I am a parent who feels rather clueless some days about being a parent. I don't think I am a bad parent, but I am to the point where I can admit, I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what I am doing. Most days, I hope the kids get through the day in one piece.
4. I absolutely love Jesus. I guess this should be first but I am just going off the top of my head. I often feel pretty new to being a true follower of Christ and still feel rather wet behind the ears. My small group leader gave me the biggest boost of confidence when she suggested I be a mentor next year. Guess I am maturing in the Spirit after all.
5. I don't always trust God. Right now, me and God are not really on the best speaking terms. I'm not mad at Him and He definitely isn't mad at me. I'm just having a tough time really trusting Him to be my all. Totally my own hang up and I am working through it.
6. Some days, I get so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed...and I don't. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in 2003. Did the whole counseling and Prozac thing for a while. I do have rare times where life seems to gets the best of me and really leaves me empty. I've learned the whole mind over matter thing and now I simply turn my cares over to God. Even with all that, some days, I do just need some hours to recharge and regroup. I have realized that when I get to that point, God is really telling me to slow down. After a day of rest, I am back on the grind.
7. There are days when I miss Ryan. I am happy that he has this new chapter in his life, but I am fearful of the decisions that he makes because I know they are not always his. I know God totally spared me from him because He knew that Ryan was not His best for me and for that I am grateful. But I do miss my friend Ryan, not boyfriend Ryan. We share some of the happiest times I can remember and he was there during many of my darkest days. Part of me always thought he and I would finally get our act together and make it work but the bigger part of me knew that was not the right path.
8. I have slept with married men. There was Tyran, who I had no clue was married. He taught me that some married me do cheat and cheat often with no remorse. There was Joshua, the part of my past that still makes me smile to this day. Not the cheating part but just what we shared when we were kids. Looking back, he and I had the strongest soul tie that took the longest to break. We made the mistake of giving into temptation which was truly a once in a life time chance. And there was Maurice, again, had no clue he was married. When we met, I knew he had a girlfriend and back then, that really wasn't that big of a deal to me. Encountering him again out of the blue 2 years later, the girlfriend had been upgraded to wife. Didn't realize that until he forgot to take off his wedding ring before he came over. He was the breaking point that I brought myself to before I knew God needed to seriously intervene in my life. Haven't been with anyone since Maurice. December 28, 2010 will be one year celibate.
9. I sometimes think that I may never get married. I am always being told that God has the perfect mate for me. I should wait and be patient and keep my focus on God and my husband will find me. Patience isn't my strongest trait but I am learning how to be patient. Am I supposed to sit back and wait or am I supposed to go out and make myself available so that I can be found? I could go on and on on this one.
10. I have a fear of frogs. I mean a terrifying, panic attack inducing fear of frogs. I don't even know where this fear came from but it is absolutely ridiculous.
11. My favorite movie the world is Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Corny I know but it was the very first movie I saw in the movie theater when I was in the second grade.
12. I am a bit of a nerd. I love reading and have finally gotten my passion for writing back. I had a wicked case of writers block for 10 years so here I am. I am my own worst critic and never really think I am any good at it. Barnes and Noble is like my own little piece of Heaven on Earth.
13. I have developed a heart for sex trafficking victims and sometimes wish I could save them all. I have to remind myself that my job isn't to save the world but to help train up our Father's army to help change the world.
14. I have an absolute fear of public speaking. I do not like speaking in front of people at all. This is more of a hindrance on what I ultimately want to do in the near future which is lead a small group. God is slowly working on me to release my fear but it's a work in progress. It's funny because people think I am so social and outgoing when I really am not!
15. I secretly love to cook but usually don't have time nor budget to really cook like I want to. I am addicted to Food Network and the Cooking Channel. Unfortunately, I have picky children who would rather eat hot dogs and tacos everyday as opposed to a full meal.
16. I actually don't have very many regrets in my life. My life has been filled with heartache and triumph but I don't think I would actually trade my experiences for anyone else's.
17. I have not had sex since December 28, 2009 and I have not had a boyfriend in a year and a half. This is the longest time for both of those for me but this has been the most freeing and rewarding season in my life. Letting go of sex wasn't as hard as I thought it would be since it was already something I had detached myself from mentally a long time ago, just not physically. Not having companionship has been the hard part but that just meant I needed to learn to lean on my Savior more. Enjoying the ride.
18. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother or my grandmother. I can see how the generational curse is evident in my family and I am not quite sure how to break that. My mother has not always been the best mother and has her own demons she is battling. My grandmother has always been one for pointing out the bad in everything instead of find something good. I often thank God for softening and transforming my heart so that I don't walk in their footsteps.
19. God answer my prayers in a big way in 2006. I was pregnant with my son Aiden and I asked God to keep my great grandmother Elizabeth alive long enough so she could meet him. She wasn't ill or anything, just old. She was born in 1906, so I knew she wasn't gonna be around too much longer. I felt like, if she didn't meet Aiden, my world just wouldn't be right and I would have completely lost it. My brother, sister and I all had babies that summer. Caury was born June 9, Kameron was born August 3 and Aiden was born September 19. My great grandmother died on December 9, 2006. She got to see all of the great great grand kids before she died. I think because I know God let her hold on as long as she did, I was able to handle her death a lot better than expected.
20. I think God is calling me to work with sex abuse victims. I have always heard that your purpose can be rooted in your pain. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can see that (first time mentioning this. Wow). I sometimes wonder if I was one of the lucky ones whose life was semi-spared from the jacked up reality a lot of kids face after suffering from abuse. I was caught up in the spirit of sexual sin for years but thankfully, Christ has freed me from that strong hold as well as showing me a love that transcends all understanding. I am no different from the victims that still battle demons, just a bit more healed and renewed.
21. I don't really know if I want more kids. Having a kid at 17, then another at 25 kinda has me jaded. Real talk. I've been a parent for 12 years and after doing it alone for so long, I think I am tired. Of course this is me speaking without the thought of marriage entering the equation. If I ever get married, that tune will probably change but I would need to be reassured and convinced that we both are in for the long haul. Divorce is real and being a single mom with more kids just isn't something I am envisioning.
22. I want to be a missionary. As crazy as it sounds, I really do. Traveling to foreign countries spreading the gospel seems astounding. Never even been on one mission trip (hoping for Peru in 2011) but for some reason, I have this strong desire to be in the mission field.
23. I want to be a writer full time. I have always loved writing but being a teen mom kinda makes you be a bit more realistic with your career aspirations. I put my dream on a permanent hold and sometimes wonder if I had a different path in life, what kind of books would I have written. Now I am a lover of the mind and helping the wounded well with counseling, but I think more writing is on the horizon.
24. I absolutely love Victory World Church and Fusion. That church and that ministry have literally saved my life. I truly don't know where I would be had I not taken that leap and come to Victory. I know God is totally working in my favor to restore what has been broken and give me this amazingly abundant life. I have found some of the most amazing friends and developed a community that keeps me on my toes and just in awe of God's power.
25. I think I am a pretty good friend. My longest friendship has been going 16 years strong and Kisha and I still talk every day like we live right around the corner. I cherish my friends dearly and I am so grateful God is placing more and more people in my life to keep me grounded and sane. From the people I met in Jr. High school to the new faces I meet every week, I am grateful.
I actually didn't think I could come up with 25 things. Guess when I stopped trying to follow a formula and just started being real, I was able to be more transparent and real with myself. Blogging is so therapeutic.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Winging It
I tell people all the time that though I have been a mom for 12 years, I absolutely feel like I am winging it most days. I'm sure plenty of other mothers and fathers feel that way, but will never admit it. That's like admitting that you kinda like one kid over the other, you think one is cuter than the other or actually believing that "I have it all together" face is not real. Parenting is not for the weak at heart. Trust me.
For me, being a single mom to two growing boys has not been a walk in the park. I have to be Mom and Dad, though I have no clue how to wear the Dad hat. It's days like this why I know God intended to families to occur within the institute of marriage because going at it alone isn't easy. But at this point, many of us singletons have to roll with the punches and do life the best way we can. Winging it and all.
Case in point: PUBERTY! I can honestly say that I am so not prepared for this stage in life. My 12 year old is on his way to becoming a man...but who is going to help prepare him for that stage? I am not pulling the poor, helpless Mom card, but I honestly wonder how screwed up my kid is going to be because he doesn't have the advantage of having a Dad at home. At this delicate stage in his development, there are LOTS of things I am sure he would like to discuss but not with his Mom, who sweats with anxiety at the thought of her kid growing hair in weird places.
Case in point 2: My 4 year old who likes to take his underwear off at night. For some reason, Aiden has gotten it into his head that he doesn't like wearing anything at night. He has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even when he would wear the footed pajamas as a baby, he would some how unzip it and take his diaper off, every night. Luckily, he has never had a problem with wetting the bed but, he does have a problem with climbing into my bed every night to sleep. Imagine my surprise waking him up only to find him going commando. He is a very strong willed child and is going through this crying about everything phase that is slowly making my hair fall out. He is not a morning person so getting him to the potty and dressed every morning is a fight to the death.
This is one of those days were the desire for a male companion kinda rears its ugly head. The lie of the enemy telling me "It will be so much easier if you just find them a Dad." For a few minutes this morning, I heard that lie loud and clear, when I realized I put my 12 year old kid in bed with sheets only to wake him up with sheets in the dirty clothes hamper and him in a fresh set of night clothes. "Would it be easier if I just found someone to take up that male slack in my home?" My thoughts totally went into left field wondering how I was going to find someone and talking him into taking on the role of dad to my 2 high energy offspring, and talking me off the ledge when my emotions go into overdrive. I was a mess with thoughts, fears, emotions, lies, and doubts all fighting for space in my head and heart.
Luckily, I slowly let my psycho thoughts escape me and allowed God to massage my heart while listening to praise and worship music. I always know that I am getting filled with the Spirit when I feel goosebumps up and down my arm. That small bit of comforting reassurance was what I needed to know that He's got me. My God is the Father to the fatherless. Me and my boys. Yeah, I can't really fix the brokenness they were born into, but I can make sure they know that our Father in Heaven can fill them with a love and devotion like none other. At some point in the future, God is going to pen the next chapter of our lives and include that person that He has hand picked for us. This is my "in the course of time" season. I'm doing my best to keep my feet firmly planted in God's reality and not my own. He is a redeemer, a healer, a provider, a Father, the lover of my soul who delights in me and my boys. He has a plan for us as a family and individually, so no worries. Yeah, we will be fine, sheets and all.
For me, being a single mom to two growing boys has not been a walk in the park. I have to be Mom and Dad, though I have no clue how to wear the Dad hat. It's days like this why I know God intended to families to occur within the institute of marriage because going at it alone isn't easy. But at this point, many of us singletons have to roll with the punches and do life the best way we can. Winging it and all.
Case in point: PUBERTY! I can honestly say that I am so not prepared for this stage in life. My 12 year old is on his way to becoming a man...but who is going to help prepare him for that stage? I am not pulling the poor, helpless Mom card, but I honestly wonder how screwed up my kid is going to be because he doesn't have the advantage of having a Dad at home. At this delicate stage in his development, there are LOTS of things I am sure he would like to discuss but not with his Mom, who sweats with anxiety at the thought of her kid growing hair in weird places.
Case in point 2: My 4 year old who likes to take his underwear off at night. For some reason, Aiden has gotten it into his head that he doesn't like wearing anything at night. He has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even when he would wear the footed pajamas as a baby, he would some how unzip it and take his diaper off, every night. Luckily, he has never had a problem with wetting the bed but, he does have a problem with climbing into my bed every night to sleep. Imagine my surprise waking him up only to find him going commando. He is a very strong willed child and is going through this crying about everything phase that is slowly making my hair fall out. He is not a morning person so getting him to the potty and dressed every morning is a fight to the death.
This is one of those days were the desire for a male companion kinda rears its ugly head. The lie of the enemy telling me "It will be so much easier if you just find them a Dad." For a few minutes this morning, I heard that lie loud and clear, when I realized I put my 12 year old kid in bed with sheets only to wake him up with sheets in the dirty clothes hamper and him in a fresh set of night clothes. "Would it be easier if I just found someone to take up that male slack in my home?" My thoughts totally went into left field wondering how I was going to find someone and talking him into taking on the role of dad to my 2 high energy offspring, and talking me off the ledge when my emotions go into overdrive. I was a mess with thoughts, fears, emotions, lies, and doubts all fighting for space in my head and heart.
Luckily, I slowly let my psycho thoughts escape me and allowed God to massage my heart while listening to praise and worship music. I always know that I am getting filled with the Spirit when I feel goosebumps up and down my arm. That small bit of comforting reassurance was what I needed to know that He's got me. My God is the Father to the fatherless. Me and my boys. Yeah, I can't really fix the brokenness they were born into, but I can make sure they know that our Father in Heaven can fill them with a love and devotion like none other. At some point in the future, God is going to pen the next chapter of our lives and include that person that He has hand picked for us. This is my "in the course of time" season. I'm doing my best to keep my feet firmly planted in God's reality and not my own. He is a redeemer, a healer, a provider, a Father, the lover of my soul who delights in me and my boys. He has a plan for us as a family and individually, so no worries. Yeah, we will be fine, sheets and all.
My Latest Revelation
I must admit that I am going through a rather disconnected time right now. Not sure what it's about but I think its more so me being stubborn and not being obedient to what God has already told me I need to do. My prayer life and Bible reading has kinda been on the back burner which sucks. Common sense tells me that I know the solution to my problem but oddly enough, I just can't seem to will myself to get it together. Luckily, my life isn't in shambles, spiraling out of control, but it could definitely use a spiritual tune up. I kinda think I am holding myself back because of fear, shame and guilt for various reason but that's for another post. One of those "I don't even feel like I am worthy to be in God's presence" type of hindrance. I know He loves and delights in me despite all my hang ups and sin but I am still waiting on my heart to catch up with my head.
Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.
A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.
I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.
I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.
Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest "AH HA" moment of last week: I am not alone.
A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely "has God forgotten about me?" feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn't quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one's Savior, no one can be mine. It's no one's job to fix me except Jesus.
I'm actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of "what He saved me from" when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn't always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That's real talk. If I can't say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one's girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.
I am still toying with the idea of a contract or "covenant" with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole "what is a wife" thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Confessions of a Hypocrite
I confess that I am a hypocrite, a walking contradiction. Every Sunday, I'm in church pouring my heart out in worship and devouring Pastor D's message. Every Wednesday night, I am at Fusion, worshipping like a maniac and hanging on every word from Pastor Johnson. Yet, when I leave the church grounds, reality sets in. I am not living this amazing Christian life that I want everyone to believe. I definitely falling way short of God's glory. I am not moving in step with what God calls me to do. I do not always share God's amazing power with others. I do not always let the light of Jesus shine through me. I am the poster child of hypocrisy...all because of fear.
This past weekend, I truly realized the extent that fear has on my life. Actually, I realized it some weeks ago when I was about to blog about fear because that was the topic of the devotional I was reading. The words on the pages slapped me in the face and I realized how many areas of my life are stagnant because I'm afraid. Pastor D talked about moving with God and for God. Moving when He tells us to by taking that leap of faith into the unseen and unknown. God called me to lead a small group many months ago, but I am standing still because of fear. I wont allow God to completely have of my heart and mind because of fear. I can't even begin to name all that I can't do because of fear. But Sunday's message and my small group's talk on fear opened my eyes and shook my spirit. And then of course on FB, Dede's word from God was "Are you rejecting yourself on behalf of others? Do you say 'I know you're too busy and you dont have time to talk to me.' 'I dont want to be a burdern on people.' 'I know people's schedules are so packed these days.' 'I'm okay, there are other people that need help more than me.'" I am all of the above. I hear you, Father. I'm listening. I am living in fear. Save me.
I got index cards to write down all the fears that I have and a scripture to counter that lie of the enemy. Something tells me that I am going to go through a lot of cards.
To be continued...
This past weekend, I truly realized the extent that fear has on my life. Actually, I realized it some weeks ago when I was about to blog about fear because that was the topic of the devotional I was reading. The words on the pages slapped me in the face and I realized how many areas of my life are stagnant because I'm afraid. Pastor D talked about moving with God and for God. Moving when He tells us to by taking that leap of faith into the unseen and unknown. God called me to lead a small group many months ago, but I am standing still because of fear. I wont allow God to completely have of my heart and mind because of fear. I can't even begin to name all that I can't do because of fear. But Sunday's message and my small group's talk on fear opened my eyes and shook my spirit. And then of course on FB, Dede's word from God was "Are you rejecting yourself on behalf of others? Do you say 'I know you're too busy and you dont have time to talk to me.' 'I dont want to be a burdern on people.' 'I know people's schedules are so packed these days.' 'I'm okay, there are other people that need help more than me.'" I am all of the above. I hear you, Father. I'm listening. I am living in fear. Save me.
I got index cards to write down all the fears that I have and a scripture to counter that lie of the enemy. Something tells me that I am going to go through a lot of cards.
To be continued...
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