As my 21 day fast is rapidly approaching, I am trying to mentally prepare my mind for 21 days of sacrifice and intimacy with God. Though I try to spend time with Him on a daily basis, something about fasting and prayer draws my spirit closer to Him. My thoughts are solely focused on Him and allowing Him to be my living water and sustainer. Not an easy task but definitely worth the sacrifice.
As I sit typing this blog, I am listening to one of the most amazing worship songs I have ever heard. It's Cory Asbury's song "Do You Know The Way You Move Me?" I love songs from the IHOP worship teams and I heard this song a year ago. I heard it for the first time in the Furnace. The Furnace is Fusion's dedicated prayer room that is only opened for 24 hours for a few weeks out of the year. You sign up for a one hour slot and the room is yours. I have spent many 2 and 3 AM worship sessions in there. It's a place where you can sit and listen to worship music, read your bible, write in the community journals, nail your sins to the actual cross in the room, take communion, pin prayers to the wall like in Jerusalem, draw or paint a picture, cry your eyes out before your Savior, hear angel wings flapping and have angels blow on your face. Last spring for about 10 weeks, our Fusion services turned into this Holy Spirit filled season of revival. The move of the Spirit was so tangible and present that we couldn't help but open the Furnace so people could continue experience that every presence of God. Pastor Johnson and some of the coaches were in the Furnace having a crazy intense worship and prayer session. At one point, someone heard wings flapping near their ears and one guy felt what could only be an angel blow in His face. The Furnace is an amazing, holy, and anointed place.
The lyrics to the original spontaneous song are the most touching because the song sounds like God is talking directly to you. He asks "Do you know the way you move me?" Do we have any idea how much we move God's heart? Can we fathom how much God absolutely delights in us and smiles at the mere thought of us? Our names are etched in the palms of His hand and He knows the number of hairs on our heads. Seriously, most days I have a hard time comprehending the depth of His love and devotion to us. It's mind blowing and beautiful. The song is 22 minutes long but worth the length of this blog to post the lyrics.
Do you know how you've caught me eye in the secret place where you chose to die?
Do you know the way you move me? I see every time you laid down those other things for me, I see every time you seek my face beloved one. I see every movement of your heart towards me, I do. I see every little movement of your heart towards me. Though you're weak my beloved, I see your love, I see your love. And though it's small my beloved, I see your heart, I see your love. And though it ain't much my beloved one, I see the way that you want me, that you need Me, that you've gotta have Me, I see it. I see every little desire, every little passion, every little piece of hunger, every little thing, I see it all. Nothing goes unseen from My eye, nothing goes unseen from My gaze. Every time you look towards Me, I see it, EVERY TIME you stare at Me I see it, I see your love, how small it may be I see it all my beloved one. Every time you look My way I see it, every time you stare at me I see it. Though it feels a little weak sometimes, though it feels a little broken sometimes, I see every second, every little glance, every little glance my way, I see it, I see it, I love it, I love it, I love you just the way you are, I love you, I love you, listen my beloved one. Every little glance towards me, I see it. Every little time you look at me I see it. Every movement of your heart, every movement of your heart, I see it.
Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know? Do you know the way you undo My heart My beloved? I love every sacrifice you've made, every time you say no one cares, I see it. Do you know the way you move Me?
You're beautiful just the way you are. You're beautiful My love, My dove, My favorite one, My joy, I love you right where you are, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll never stop, I'll never stop! I'm so in love with you, my bride, I'm so in love with you my favorite one. With every single little glance, with every movement of your will, with every decision that you've made, I'm undone. I love you with an everlasting love, I love you with an everlasting love. I'm not disappointed in you, I'm not angry with you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. So don't hide your face from me, I'll break off shame, I'll break off condemnation, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone, you're free. You've ravaged me, I'm undone, I'm not disappointed, I'm not angry, I'm in LOVE with you! You've ravaged me, I'm in love with you.
Do you know how you've caught my eye in the secret place where you chose to die? Where you chose to lay it all down, where you chose to follow me, where you chose to take up that cross day after day after day after day. You've ravaged my heart, you have. Just one glance of your eye, just one. My heart it's undone every time you look at me. Everyday that you don't give up, that you don't let go, that you don't look down, my heart it's undone, my heart it's ravaged.
Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?
I saw when you gave it all up. I did. I saw it when you gave it all up. You passed up opportunity after opportunity just to seek me, just to find me, just to love me a little longer, I saw it. And it moved my heart. Don't think those little sacrifices go unnoticed. Don't think those little times go unnoticed, when you think I'm not looking at you. I saw it, I saw when you gave up everything to follow me, I did. I did and I'm pleased, and I'm proud, and I'm not mostly disappointed, and I'm not mostly mad, and I'm not mostly sad, and I'm happy with you and I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. My beloved one.
Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?
I saw it when you left your friends behind, and I saw it when you left your family behind, and I saw it when you gave up everything just to follow me, just so you could love me a little bit more. I saw it when you left your friends behind, and I saw it when you left your family behind, and I saw it when you gave up everything, when you let go of everything just to find me, I saw it. I'm pleased and I'm proud. I love you, thank you! It really means something to Me that you did it all. It really means something to me that you gave it all up, that you gave it all up, and it's not for nothing, I'll meet you there in the longing. It's not for nothing, it's not for nothing, it's not for nothing. I saw it, I saw it.
Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?
I saw it when you took the narrow road, I saw it when you took the road less traveled, I saw it when you took that narrow road, it's a little bit lonely sometimes, I saw it. I saw it when you left your friends behind and took that narrow road of love. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I love you, and I love you. I love you. I see your HEART, and I SEE YOUR HEART! That you want Me, I see it.I see it. I see it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Fasting and Prayer
It's that time again. On January 8, 2011, my church will be starting our yearly 21 days of fasting and prayer. Last year was my first year participating in the fast and it ended up not being as hard as I thought it would be. Fasting isn't an easy task and it's not supposed to be. It's a purposeful sacrifice to draw closer to God and to detox from all the physical and spiritual junk we have filling our bodies and souls. Prayer and fasting truly works! I still remember hearing God's voice speak to me as clear as day driving home one day. He reminded me that "he (Ryan) will grow up." Totally freaked me out but that just shows the power and wonder in being obedient and spending some time denying our flesh and being in the presence of our Father.
There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible about fasting and prayer but the one that speaks to most to me is Matthew 17:17-21. It's the passage about Jesus casting the demon out of the little boy and His disciples wondered why they couldn't cast out the demon as well.
Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you? Bring him here to Me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.
Jesus was very clear that nothing is impossible but some things require fasting and prayer. Some desires and knowledge require us to draw closer to God so that we can be free from distractions and open to hear His voice. It gets harder to hear the response to prayers when we have distractions, sin, fleshly desires and all kind of other crap clogging up the filter we need to discern from God's voice and our own voice.
Prayer is always an important staple in our lives as Christians but if you're like me, most days I wonder if He even hears me. Yes, He has heard and come through on countless prayers, but sometimes I wonder if He really hears me. There are somethings that I am still waiting on some sort of response, denial, confirmation, signs and wonder, but to no avail. God on mute again. There are a lot of things on my prayer list right about now so this fast is right on time. I ran across this devotional in my Bible that made a light bulb go off in my head.
The book of Hebrew chapter 11 talks about great examples of faith. Hebrew 11:6 states that "And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." I found the answer to my God on mute problem. I haven't always had faith that God will come through on the prayers that I send up to Him. Without faith, it's like my prayers fall on deaf ears. Makes perfect sense.
I have realized that I sometimes wonder if I am praying correctly. I know I don't sound anything like some of the more "seasoned prayer warriors" that I know but there is no format to follow. But there are some instructions that one must follow when it comes to prayer.
1. We must come in faith, believing that there is a God who will hear us and reward us. (Hebrew 11:6)
2. We must willingly let God examine our heart(Psalm 139:23-24), confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and then repent (Acts 3:19).
3. We can pray even if we feel that our faith is small (Matthew 17:20).
4. We must consider if there are any of our relationships that need mending. Then we need to go and try to make them right (Matthew 5:23-24)
5. We must come to prayer by asking in Jesus' name and for his sake. We can ask ourselves, Will the answer to this prayer honor Jesus' name? Will it glorify and extend the work of the Kingdom? (John 14:13).
This is going to be an interesting fasting and prayer season. This year is gearing up to be great and full of hope, promise, and purpose. I am looking forward to hearing instructions and direction from God, getting clarity on various areas of my life that needs a bit of fine tuning, etc. This is going to be a good year. Change starts now.
There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible about fasting and prayer but the one that speaks to most to me is Matthew 17:17-21. It's the passage about Jesus casting the demon out of the little boy and His disciples wondered why they couldn't cast out the demon as well.
Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you? Bring him here to Me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.
Jesus was very clear that nothing is impossible but some things require fasting and prayer. Some desires and knowledge require us to draw closer to God so that we can be free from distractions and open to hear His voice. It gets harder to hear the response to prayers when we have distractions, sin, fleshly desires and all kind of other crap clogging up the filter we need to discern from God's voice and our own voice.
Prayer is always an important staple in our lives as Christians but if you're like me, most days I wonder if He even hears me. Yes, He has heard and come through on countless prayers, but sometimes I wonder if He really hears me. There are somethings that I am still waiting on some sort of response, denial, confirmation, signs and wonder, but to no avail. God on mute again. There are a lot of things on my prayer list right about now so this fast is right on time. I ran across this devotional in my Bible that made a light bulb go off in my head.
The book of Hebrew chapter 11 talks about great examples of faith. Hebrew 11:6 states that "And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." I found the answer to my God on mute problem. I haven't always had faith that God will come through on the prayers that I send up to Him. Without faith, it's like my prayers fall on deaf ears. Makes perfect sense.
I have realized that I sometimes wonder if I am praying correctly. I know I don't sound anything like some of the more "seasoned prayer warriors" that I know but there is no format to follow. But there are some instructions that one must follow when it comes to prayer.
1. We must come in faith, believing that there is a God who will hear us and reward us. (Hebrew 11:6)
2. We must willingly let God examine our heart(Psalm 139:23-24), confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and then repent (Acts 3:19).
3. We can pray even if we feel that our faith is small (Matthew 17:20).
4. We must consider if there are any of our relationships that need mending. Then we need to go and try to make them right (Matthew 5:23-24)
5. We must come to prayer by asking in Jesus' name and for his sake. We can ask ourselves, Will the answer to this prayer honor Jesus' name? Will it glorify and extend the work of the Kingdom? (John 14:13).
This is going to be an interesting fasting and prayer season. This year is gearing up to be great and full of hope, promise, and purpose. I am looking forward to hearing instructions and direction from God, getting clarity on various areas of my life that needs a bit of fine tuning, etc. This is going to be a good year. Change starts now.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Here's To Living The Life I've Always Dreamed Of
Today is January 1, 2011. Last night me and the boys stayed in and enjoyed tacos and a countdown from Dick Clark. Not a traditional New Years Eve but I didn't want to go through the trouble of going out and having the boys out late. They enjoyed it so no worries.
Like always, plenty of people sent their usual mass text messages but one in particular stood out to me. My friend Quiana sent a message that said "Here's to living the life we've always dreamed of!" I liked that motto because I had never really thought about what it would be like to live the life I had always dreamed of. For as long as I can remember I have just been living, but not living life abundantly. My life has always been a product of my circumstances but I've never done anything that I really wanted to do. I am used to adjusting my life to fit those around me, whether it be kids or friends or family or others in need. Part of me feels like in all these years, I have lost little bits and pieces of me.
So this year is special. This year is different. This year is about doing things I had always wanted to do but never found the time or resources to do them with. This is the year of me putting myself in a position to live the life I had always dreamed of.
I made a list in my prayer journal of what it would look like for me to live the life I always dreamed of. Here goes:
I will have a life filled with love. Love from friends, family, and the mate that God Himself selected for me
I will do international missions work
I will be debt free
I will have a thriving career counseling those in need
I will own a house
I will be bold and fearless
I will share the Gospel with everyone that will listen
I will touch lives, inspire and lead others
I will strengthen friendships and mend broken relationships
I will be healthy in my physical body and spiritual life
I will have family that follows, worships, and honors Christ in all things
This list is subject to change but this would be my idea of an ideal life. I know that God has an amazing way of changing my life's plans but I am pretty sure He knows the desires of my heart. He honors those that are faithful and honor Him and I try to do my best everyday.
Like always, plenty of people sent their usual mass text messages but one in particular stood out to me. My friend Quiana sent a message that said "Here's to living the life we've always dreamed of!" I liked that motto because I had never really thought about what it would be like to live the life I had always dreamed of. For as long as I can remember I have just been living, but not living life abundantly. My life has always been a product of my circumstances but I've never done anything that I really wanted to do. I am used to adjusting my life to fit those around me, whether it be kids or friends or family or others in need. Part of me feels like in all these years, I have lost little bits and pieces of me.
So this year is special. This year is different. This year is about doing things I had always wanted to do but never found the time or resources to do them with. This is the year of me putting myself in a position to live the life I had always dreamed of.
I made a list in my prayer journal of what it would look like for me to live the life I always dreamed of. Here goes:
I will have a life filled with love. Love from friends, family, and the mate that God Himself selected for me
I will do international missions work
I will be debt free
I will have a thriving career counseling those in need
I will own a house
I will be bold and fearless
I will share the Gospel with everyone that will listen
I will touch lives, inspire and lead others
I will strengthen friendships and mend broken relationships
I will be healthy in my physical body and spiritual life
I will have family that follows, worships, and honors Christ in all things
This list is subject to change but this would be my idea of an ideal life. I know that God has an amazing way of changing my life's plans but I am pretty sure He knows the desires of my heart. He honors those that are faithful and honor Him and I try to do my best everyday.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Danny and Annie- A Love Story
Tonight, I had one of my regular conversations with my friend Kisha. She updated me on the marital problems of her god-sister and I was hoping for good news. Her god-sister and husband had been having some difficulties this year and my heart always aches for Christian couples that are struggling to find their way back to the happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, this latest update included an unexpected baby due to the husband's infidelity. Though they were working on getting past the affair, neither knew that the birth of a baby would be added into the mix. I have never met this woman but I sincerely admire her. She is a Christian wife and she takes her vows seriously. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. Through sickness and in health. This couple, married 11 years, have been through all of the above.
I kept asking myself, "What would I do if I were this wife?" Being a single person, it's hard to think about having to deal with something like that in a marriage that hasn't even happened. But, it makes me wonder if that's something that should be looming in the back of my mind. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity happens everyday. For this couple, infidelity has been a spirit that they carried around for years, lying dormant, and it has found a season to rear its deceitful head.
Stories like this and many others that I have heard or seen first hand from friends is enough to make me completely jaded and fearful of marriage. Infidelity is real. Even Christian couples are not immune to devastation like this. But at the end of the day, both the husband and wife have a choice. They have a choice to honor their vows and commitment to each other and God. They have a choice to deal with problems head on and not let them grow out of control. They have a choice to respect each other and their marriage. They have a choice to flee from temptation. They have a choice to be diligent and intentional about keeping God and His word in the center of their marriage. They have a choice to cherish the good times and fight through the rough patches. They have a choice.
I hate when issues like this cause me to feel weary of this amazing thing called marriage but I am human. Thankfully, God gave me a little heads up in the form of a YouTube clip to remind me that true love and devotion does still exist. It's funny that during my conversation with Kisha, I was trying to watch this clip but held off until I could give it my undivided attention. I was so distracted that I was certain I was gonna forget about the clip and probably never see it. Glad I did because it was just the spark of hope that I needed to be reminded that there are still magical love stories that God Himself pens. This is the story of Danny and Annie from Brooklyn, NY. This is by far the most inspiration and touching story of everlasting love that I have ever seen.
Enjoy
I kept asking myself, "What would I do if I were this wife?" Being a single person, it's hard to think about having to deal with something like that in a marriage that hasn't even happened. But, it makes me wonder if that's something that should be looming in the back of my mind. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity happens everyday. For this couple, infidelity has been a spirit that they carried around for years, lying dormant, and it has found a season to rear its deceitful head.
Stories like this and many others that I have heard or seen first hand from friends is enough to make me completely jaded and fearful of marriage. Infidelity is real. Even Christian couples are not immune to devastation like this. But at the end of the day, both the husband and wife have a choice. They have a choice to honor their vows and commitment to each other and God. They have a choice to deal with problems head on and not let them grow out of control. They have a choice to respect each other and their marriage. They have a choice to flee from temptation. They have a choice to be diligent and intentional about keeping God and His word in the center of their marriage. They have a choice to cherish the good times and fight through the rough patches. They have a choice.
I hate when issues like this cause me to feel weary of this amazing thing called marriage but I am human. Thankfully, God gave me a little heads up in the form of a YouTube clip to remind me that true love and devotion does still exist. It's funny that during my conversation with Kisha, I was trying to watch this clip but held off until I could give it my undivided attention. I was so distracted that I was certain I was gonna forget about the clip and probably never see it. Glad I did because it was just the spark of hope that I needed to be reminded that there are still magical love stories that God Himself pens. This is the story of Danny and Annie from Brooklyn, NY. This is by far the most inspiration and touching story of everlasting love that I have ever seen.
Enjoy
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hardest Thing I've Ever Done
I am a 29 year old virgin. LOL. Well okay, not a virgin in the traditional sense, especially since I have 2 kids. But in my mind I am a virgin again. As of December 28, 2010, I officially have not had sex in 1 year. Willingly not had sex in 1 year. Yes, I made a vow to myself not to have sex anymore until I was married. That vow was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.
I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.
Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.
So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.
I didn't have any formal ceremony, no fanfare or public declaration. I came back to Christ in September 2009 after straying for about 10 years and got baptized that November. When I made the choice to get baptized, I made the commitment to take my walk with Christ seriously. That included honoring Him in all ways, including my body. I made the decision to remain pure, but it took a few weeks before that commitment I made with my mouth actually caught up with my heart. It was on that night in December that I really felt disappointed and disgusted with myself about having sex outside of marriage. It was the first time that I seriously couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like such a hypocrite. I knew that on that day, my life had to change. Everyone has those pivotal moments where their life literally changes in an instant. That was one of mine.
Breaking that spirit of Jezebel, lust, and sexual immorality was HARD. Like seriously hard. I've struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember but refraining from it takes more effort than most things in my life. I am diligent and intentional about avoiding things that reignite that familiar spirit. I have basically cut out TV except for The Food Network and Cooking Channel because sex is in just about every show and commercial. I have cut out most of the old music I used to listen to because again, nothing but sex. I don't allow myself to be alone with men, especially someone I have feelings for. I already know that my flesh will be stronger than my will, so I am not even going to chance it. I tell friends when I am having sexual desires so they can hold me accountable. It's harder to fall into sexual sin when you are confessing it and having someone speak positive and reassuring words into your life. Are these radical changes? Not really. At some point in your life, the things that were entertaining stop being entertaining. When operating in the Spirit, you can't help but turn away from sin. I can still remember instinctively shielding my eyes during a sex scene at a movie for the very first time last year. I shocked myself actually but then realized that I was a new person, a new creation in Christ who choses to honor Him with a pure body, mind and spirit.
So I have one whole year of celibacy under my belt and it hasn't killed me. In all honesty, I think I have grown and matured more in this year than in all of my 29 years. I didn't have that sexual spirit consuming me and distracting me from things that My Father deem more important. Don't misunderstand me because the feelings are still there. I just choose to submit their desire to My Father and allow His grace and mercy to ease my heart. Pastor Johnson always says that he is striving to have more white dresses in our generation and I think that stuck with me when I heard it at my first Fusion service. No matter how much I love sex, I love honoring My Father more.
Monday, December 27, 2010
My New Year's Goals
Every year, people make New Year's resolutions. Every year people break their resolutions almost as soon as they are made. I had every intention of making the same resolutions I make every year and like always, probably break them by the 2nd week in January. Yet, as I was contemplating which lifestyle changes I was going to under take in 2011, I got the strangest feeling that I needed to make some goals instead of resolutions. Both are kinda the same concept but goals require planning and action. It will require some vision casting, prayer, and decision making.
What do I want to accomplish in 2011? What do I want my year to look like? What direction is God pulling me in? What amazing things do I want say I did? I have been very excited about 2011 for some reason. Not because I need a do over from 2010 but because I sincerely think that 2011 is the year of change, shifting, molding, stretching, and breaking out of my comfort zone. In order to do all these magnificent things, I need a plan. I need a starting point, something to strive for.
There are a lot of things that I have wanted to do but have limited myself for various reason. Lack of money, lack of motivation, fear, you name it. But as much as I pray to God for boldness, none of these lame excuses should be a deterrent from living my life abundantly and fearlessly. I've decided to jot down all the things I have wanted to do (within reason of course) and let those be my goals for 2011. This should be very interesting.
Creativity
1. Keep a plant alive
2. Cook through the Pioneer Woman blog
3. Learn to sew
4. Write at least one blog on sex trafficking for Change.org
5. Update my personal blog at least twice a week
6. Do one random act of kindness every week
7. Decorate every room in my house.
Health and Beauty
1. Lose 40lbs.
2. Create a weekly meal plan for me and the boys.
3. Do the 28 day beauty challenge and wear some kind of makeup every day for 30 days.
4. Try a new hair style once a month
5. Treat myself to a new article of clothing or shoes periodically and not feel guilty about it.
6. Be able to walk up Brasstown Bald Mountain and Stone Mountain without feeling like I am going to die.
Experience
1. Travel to Peru with the Fusion mission team
2. Learn the fundamentals of at least one pro sport
3. Attend one pro basketball, baseball and football game
4. Go to one concert this year
5. Take a plane ride
6. Get a tattoo
7. Go to the Cabbage Patch Hospital in Cleveland, GA
8. Spend a weekend in the mountains in cabin
9. Travel to Washington DC and New York City
10. Go ice skating.
11. Try AUTHENTIC dishes from at least 5 different countries.
Knowledge/Skills
1. Learn Spanish
2. Learn to change a tire
3. Refurbish a piece of furniture
Money
1. Create and stick to a budget
2. Consistently tithe 10% of my income to the church
3. Consistently put 10% of my income into savings
4. Pay off at least 50% of my debt
5. Take Crown and Financial Peace at Victory
Reading
1. Read the entire Bible courtesy of the One Year Bible
2. Read Ragmuffin Gospel and Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
3. Read Crazy Love by Franis Chan
4. Read The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
5. Read When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson
6. Finish reading Captivating
Spiritual Well being
1. Take Ancient Paths at Victory.
2. Take the Relating or Dating Seminar at Victory
3. Read one devotional everyday
4. Do at least 3 outreaches this year
5. Solidify my accountability partners and schedule regular check up meetings
6. Successfully apprentice a small group
7. Create boundaries with people
8. Write a letter to Jesus each quarter
9. Maintain a prayer journal
10. Commit to a day of total fasting and prayer each month
Social and Family Responsibility
1. Take the boys on a proper vacation
2. Schedule at least 1 movie night a week
3. Schedule 1 family outing a month
4. Spend at least 2 weekends in Mississippi
5. Call my siblings, mother, grandmother, and aunt at least once a week
6. Write one letter a month to friends that live out of state.
7. Send birthday and holiday cards to friends and family this year
8. Take professional pictures with the boys
After looking at this list, it looks pretty extensive and I do believe it is subject to change. But this is the result of about 3 hours of hard thought and concentration. To me, these are small life changes and goals. It's very rewarding to look back at the year and realize you have actually done something. Something that you can measure, something that you can check off your list. Even if I don't accomplish everything on the list, just knowing I had a fun year trying is well worth it. Bring it on 2011.
To be continued...
What do I want to accomplish in 2011? What do I want my year to look like? What direction is God pulling me in? What amazing things do I want say I did? I have been very excited about 2011 for some reason. Not because I need a do over from 2010 but because I sincerely think that 2011 is the year of change, shifting, molding, stretching, and breaking out of my comfort zone. In order to do all these magnificent things, I need a plan. I need a starting point, something to strive for.
There are a lot of things that I have wanted to do but have limited myself for various reason. Lack of money, lack of motivation, fear, you name it. But as much as I pray to God for boldness, none of these lame excuses should be a deterrent from living my life abundantly and fearlessly. I've decided to jot down all the things I have wanted to do (within reason of course) and let those be my goals for 2011. This should be very interesting.
Creativity
1. Keep a plant alive
2. Cook through the Pioneer Woman blog
3. Learn to sew
4. Write at least one blog on sex trafficking for Change.org
5. Update my personal blog at least twice a week
6. Do one random act of kindness every week
7. Decorate every room in my house.
Health and Beauty
1. Lose 40lbs.
2. Create a weekly meal plan for me and the boys.
3. Do the 28 day beauty challenge and wear some kind of makeup every day for 30 days.
4. Try a new hair style once a month
5. Treat myself to a new article of clothing or shoes periodically and not feel guilty about it.
6. Be able to walk up Brasstown Bald Mountain and Stone Mountain without feeling like I am going to die.
Experience
1. Travel to Peru with the Fusion mission team
2. Learn the fundamentals of at least one pro sport
3. Attend one pro basketball, baseball and football game
4. Go to one concert this year
5. Take a plane ride
6. Get a tattoo
7. Go to the Cabbage Patch Hospital in Cleveland, GA
8. Spend a weekend in the mountains in cabin
9. Travel to Washington DC and New York City
10. Go ice skating.
11. Try AUTHENTIC dishes from at least 5 different countries.
Knowledge/Skills
1. Learn Spanish
2. Learn to change a tire
3. Refurbish a piece of furniture
Money
1. Create and stick to a budget
2. Consistently tithe 10% of my income to the church
3. Consistently put 10% of my income into savings
4. Pay off at least 50% of my debt
5. Take Crown and Financial Peace at Victory
Reading
1. Read the entire Bible courtesy of the One Year Bible
2. Read Ragmuffin Gospel and Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
3. Read Crazy Love by Franis Chan
4. Read The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
5. Read When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson
6. Finish reading Captivating
Spiritual Well being
1. Take Ancient Paths at Victory.
2. Take the Relating or Dating Seminar at Victory
3. Read one devotional everyday
4. Do at least 3 outreaches this year
5. Solidify my accountability partners and schedule regular check up meetings
6. Successfully apprentice a small group
7. Create boundaries with people
8. Write a letter to Jesus each quarter
9. Maintain a prayer journal
10. Commit to a day of total fasting and prayer each month
Social and Family Responsibility
1. Take the boys on a proper vacation
2. Schedule at least 1 movie night a week
3. Schedule 1 family outing a month
4. Spend at least 2 weekends in Mississippi
5. Call my siblings, mother, grandmother, and aunt at least once a week
6. Write one letter a month to friends that live out of state.
7. Send birthday and holiday cards to friends and family this year
8. Take professional pictures with the boys
After looking at this list, it looks pretty extensive and I do believe it is subject to change. But this is the result of about 3 hours of hard thought and concentration. To me, these are small life changes and goals. It's very rewarding to look back at the year and realize you have actually done something. Something that you can measure, something that you can check off your list. Even if I don't accomplish everything on the list, just knowing I had a fun year trying is well worth it. Bring it on 2011.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Celebrate Jesus
It has been quite a crazy couple of weeks since I last posted because I have been crazy busy. I decided to take on a donation drive for Wellspring Living, a local non profit that helps former sex trafficking victims get the help they need. I thought of this earlier in the year but never did anything with it. After seeing The Candy Shop documentary, I was compelled to do something, anything.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna pull this off but I knew I had to reach out to as many people as I could so I relied on my trust Facebook account. As much as I am on there (seriously taking a fast in January), I knew I could finally use that medium for good. I decided to get the Fusion small groups involved to see how much support I could get. I sent out some emails and FB messages, crossed my fingers and prayed to God that He would bless my efforts.
Man did He ever.
My small group, Beauty For Ashes rallied together and got supplies, Tai bought a journal and all the ladies wrote letters. I was beyond myself happy and excited! Emily Young's group collected bags and bags of donations, along with Chae's group and Shannon's group. Even got David Mpofu's group to donate some supplies and I am sitting in my living room staring at this huge box of toilet paper that they donated. I still have to get donations from Lauren Watt's and Talisa's group! I love that my community of believers will answer the call to help those in need.
I learned a valuable in all this as well. I was disappointed about not getting a bonus, not getting a raise and right now my checking account is overdrawn due to debit error. I should be freaking out because quite honestly, Christmas is gonna be extra small this year if it happens at all. But I have more joy in my heart for all the things that I do have that none of the other things matter. I have a home, car, job, AMAZING friends, healthy kids, peace of mind and the love of my Savior. I have a heart that He has broken for His people and a faith that helps me dream beyond what my own mind can conceive. I had no idea that this many people would want to help out. But I have to remember that I surround myself with people that understand His purpose for us and have a true heart for His people. My friend Keith is putting together an outreach from the homeless that I am very excited about and plan on taking Gavin. I love showing Him Christ's love in action and what I means to sacrifice for the sake of others. He is learning that this season and I hope it carries on through out his life.
My Father is constantly showing me that He is faithful, that He is a provider, a comforter, a healer, my everything. Just His simple act of loving me makes me what to show His love to others. I am being molded and stretched and I know that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be that connection to others. This is the time to celebrate Jesus.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Lesson Learned
Tonight, I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that I may not be as great a friend as I think I am. One slight totally joking comment turned the course of a conversation with my best friend, opening the flood gates and releasing a lot of pent up frustration and anger. I had offended her and didn't even realize it until it was too late, but I am totally glad she checked me.
Proverbs 12:1 says "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." Tonight, I had to be corrected. I had to be corrected for the way I had been treating my dear friend and approaching her about areas of her life. I believe at some point, I strayed away from being supportive to being more realistic and harsh and critical. Though I feel I had my reasons for being that way with her, rarely is there a good reason to hurt someone. I can't even say I was totally oblivious to some of the things I have said. There have been times when something came out of my mouth that I wish I could take back. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Despite it all, I saw how my words hurt and my new found busy life and lack of time for her has made her feel. She deserves my attention and support just like the other people I surround myself with. Even though I always see her as one of my strongest friends who can always weather the storms of life, she is human and emotional just like I am. Though she can be tough as nails, she wears her heart on her sleeve. She needs to be inspired and motivated just like everyone else. She needs to be encouraged and praised. She needs a friend that will give her the honest truth but also a dose of kind heartedness too. Truth be told, I enjoy the fact that I don't have to hold her hand through every crisis like I do some people, but I also lost sight of the fact that sometimes she does need her hand held.
Our friendship has lasted longer than any other friendship I've ever had. Distance has separated us physically but never severed our bond. I have often been envious of her freedom, her light heartedness, her boldness, her drive. However, my heart breaks when she is sad, disappointed, gotten her heartbroken, anything that causes her to frown. I always wish I can shield her from the evils of this world and introduce her to the new life that I have found. A new life where she knows her worth is already established in the eyes of Christ and commands the respect and love that she deserves. A new life where sadness and pain are cast off on her Savior and blessings flow abundantly. A new life full of promise, purpose, hope, love, joy, freedom, blessings, everything she deserves and more.
I will stand corrected tonight and continue to pray for her heart to be made whole again and for her to have that life changing Christ encounter where she shakes off the old and embraces her new life. Everyone has their turning point in life and my journey is not hers. But I can still be a good friend that is supportive, encouraging and a living letter for Christ.
Proverbs 12:1 says "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." Tonight, I had to be corrected. I had to be corrected for the way I had been treating my dear friend and approaching her about areas of her life. I believe at some point, I strayed away from being supportive to being more realistic and harsh and critical. Though I feel I had my reasons for being that way with her, rarely is there a good reason to hurt someone. I can't even say I was totally oblivious to some of the things I have said. There have been times when something came out of my mouth that I wish I could take back. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Despite it all, I saw how my words hurt and my new found busy life and lack of time for her has made her feel. She deserves my attention and support just like the other people I surround myself with. Even though I always see her as one of my strongest friends who can always weather the storms of life, she is human and emotional just like I am. Though she can be tough as nails, she wears her heart on her sleeve. She needs to be inspired and motivated just like everyone else. She needs to be encouraged and praised. She needs a friend that will give her the honest truth but also a dose of kind heartedness too. Truth be told, I enjoy the fact that I don't have to hold her hand through every crisis like I do some people, but I also lost sight of the fact that sometimes she does need her hand held.
Our friendship has lasted longer than any other friendship I've ever had. Distance has separated us physically but never severed our bond. I have often been envious of her freedom, her light heartedness, her boldness, her drive. However, my heart breaks when she is sad, disappointed, gotten her heartbroken, anything that causes her to frown. I always wish I can shield her from the evils of this world and introduce her to the new life that I have found. A new life where she knows her worth is already established in the eyes of Christ and commands the respect and love that she deserves. A new life where sadness and pain are cast off on her Savior and blessings flow abundantly. A new life full of promise, purpose, hope, love, joy, freedom, blessings, everything she deserves and more.
I will stand corrected tonight and continue to pray for her heart to be made whole again and for her to have that life changing Christ encounter where she shakes off the old and embraces her new life. Everyone has their turning point in life and my journey is not hers. But I can still be a good friend that is supportive, encouraging and a living letter for Christ.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Helpless...
Some days I have to remind myself that I don't have a huge S on my chest, nor do I don a cape when I leave the house. I do not possess super human strength or can leap tall building in a single bound. I cannot solve every crisis in 22 minutes on a TV show and there are not always happy endings. I'm just one person, standing with my faith in My Father and the promise that He makes all things work together for our good.
I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.
You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.
1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.
I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.
I am no one's Savior. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn this year. I cannot save everyone. Some people will fall through the cracks and suffer. Some people will experience disappointment, overwhelming heartache, suffering, setbacks, loses, disasters, turmoil, consequences of their own bad choices or the bad choices of others. And I cannot save them. I will have to sit back and let the pain endure and pray for the best.
You would think that knowing that My Father didn't create me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder would take some of the pressure off but, it doesn't. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me wonder why I can't do more to ease the suffering. It makes me wonder why my prayers for Sabrina seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Why my prayers for restoration of broken marriages, healing for dying babies, better opportunities for those that are down on their luck, all seem to have gone unanswered. Makes me wonder if just my simple prayers and hope for the future are enough.
1 Corinthians 9:22 says "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Jesus became everything to all men so that he might save them. Not me. I wasn't designed to have a heart this big to carry the pains of the world, but to carry the love and promise of our Savior so that they can see Him through me and marvel at His power. I am a living testimony alone. My story of being redeemed from the depths of despair should be enough to remind anyone that is going through a tough time to know that there is a promise waiting. There is a freedom in knowing and following Christ. He can save you. No matter how bad the situation or circumstance seems, not matter how bad the pain is, He can save you. He can heal you. He can make you whole again.
I am not Superwoman, but I do have a heart the size of an ocean filled to the brim with the love of Christ ready to pour out on those in need. I try to be a friend to those who need one, but I cannot be any one's everything and I am OK with that. People will still die, get hurt, hurt others, have broken hearts, etc and there is not much I can do to save them from themselves. But what I can do is pray for them and allow those prayers to dance on the ears of my Father knowing that He will handle them in His own time. I can continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus here on Earth and showing people what His heart and kindness looks like.
Desires of My Heart
I am absolutely in a season of transparency. Though I am learning to share more about my thoughts and feelings with friends, I often share more intimate parts of me right here on this blog. Weird I know, but it's something about the therapeutic release I get when I allow my fingers to do the talking, that puts my spirit at ease. No tense feelings or hesitations, no worrying about whether or not it makes sense. Usually when I start typing, my walls come down like the wall in Jericho and I allow the Holy Spirit to massage my mind and the words flow. He knows my gifts and He is fine with where I am.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
I am always being told that He knows the desires of my heart. God already knows what is going on in my heart, so I often wonder why He lets me sit in a state of turmoil sometimes. I am far from perfect but most of the time, I strive to be as close to the likeness of Jesus as I can. He honors those who honor His word and will, but His timing is not our timing. He may know the desires of our heart, but when He decides to grant us those desires (according to His will) is a different story.
I have come to accept the fact that I have started to "notice" a certain someone who shall remain nameless. Our chance meeting happened rather randomly and our chance meetings since then have been brief and uneventful. He was no where on my radar until Facebook connected us together and I got a chance to peak into his life a little. On the surface, he seems very interesting, hence the notice stage. Of course being absolutely cute doesn't help so I have found myself checking out his FB pictures more than I probably should, wondering what the story behind this person was. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who I have shared these feelings with who keep me accountable of my actions and help me guard my heart and use a bit of tact and common sense.
I find myself praying to God daily (hence the reason I am blogging at 2AM) about this notice stage and these "surface" feelings that I have. Tonight I finally decided to admit to myself that I really didn't know what to do with any of these feelings and just asked God to hold onto them for me until He say fit to give me a definite revelation about this person. Admitting my own apprehension about developing any type of feelings for anyone at this point in my life is a foreign concept. I am learning patience and guidance, guarding my own heart, the value of him guarding my heart and protecting me, accountability and transparency, constant prayer and asking God to be in the middle from the very beginning, the notice stage. I am learning to keep my focus on God and not allowing this person to become an idol in my life.
From our brief encounters and interactions, I have observed quite a bit about him. Luckily there are no blaring red flags that I am desperately trying to rationalize away. He's a regular guy. Not flashy or boosting, but rather reserved and fairly practical. He has a relationship with Jesus and understands the need to pull away from the world when he feels his connection with Christ is waning. He is obedient to God's commands that are placed in his heart, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone a bit. He loves family and enjoys friends and seems to be interested in expanding his circle.
I have realized that I am perfectly fine with handing over these feelings and observations to My Father and not let them consume me. I mean this is just a simple crush, the notice phase, which could quite possibly go nowhere. But My Father does know the desires of my heart. He is preparing me for something great, but all in His timing. I am content in Him and okay with Him being my everything. I remember the day that He placed such a calming comfort on my heart that if it were just me and Him until my dying days, I would be okay with that. I am content in my single status and okay with my dizzy school girl crush as well. I desire for this notice phase to progress on to something more. I desire for my feelings to be made known to this person as well, the right way and at the right time. I desire to get to know this person better, observe them more, spend time with them more in order to cultivate a friendship. He knows the desires of my heart and even if this doesn't go past a simple crush, it was nice to enjoy.
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